The first time they call you names,
Leave.
The first time they make you feel worthless,
Leave.
The first time they hit you,
Leave.
The first time they leave you,
Don't go back.
The first time they take your life away,
Leave.
The first time you feel like you would be
better off on your own, than with the
person you love,
Leave.

I have been looking for the words
to describe this feeling for 26 days
and they didn't come to me until
you left me to be with her.
I told you that I wanted you to be
happy, and god do I wish that were true.
I was suppose to be your happy.
It was suppose to be me.
I made myself vulnerable to you
and you chose her.
and I thought to myself,
"I cant wait to find someone
who loves me unconditionally
for who I am as a person"
and I thought I found that in you
until you left my home
to go be with her at yours.

how many times
have you told yourself
you would be better
off this way.

you woke up one day and ripped my
heart out of my chest
and I'm happy that I picked it up
and grabbed it back from you before you left.
I think you thought I spent my time searching for my other half
but what you didn't know was that
I was never half.

Have you ever wanted to take away
someone else's problems so much
that they become your own?
You want to get them a one way
ticket to God knows where
and say "Just for you and I."
so the world will stop crashing at their feet.
and God knows it'll stop crashing at yours too.
You love someone so much that
you just want want to take away their
pain so bad
that it starts to become your own.

So i said to myself
"Yeah, lets pretend like we don't know eachother,
It's probably for the best anyway
Because when you talk to me
And grab at my shoulders the way
You use to, it all comes flooding back to me
Everything i pushed to the back of my mind
Hits me again like a tsunami
So i'll just turn my head
And walk away
Even though i can feel your eyes
On me.
Watching me.
Like you always used to."

don't forget to remind them that
you have lightening running
through your bones and
that you're not easily shaken
like the thunderstorms in your
mind.
tell them that while you may
be four parts of a disaster
your house was built to stand
lungs not ready to collapse
and your heart was made to love
despite all the Hurricanes raging inside
of you.

sometimes I think about what I would do if someone handed me a liquid that ended my life right away without feeling any pain or putting in any effort.
a few years ago I probably would have taken it without hesitation,
but now I would stop and think about how the sky turns pink when the sun sets in the evening.
I would think about how my dogs lick and jump when I first walk through the door after a few short hours.
I would think about how the sun reflects off the buildings in the city on a beautiful day and how good it feels to look at while drinking a cup of coffee-
I would think about how at ease we laid on the train ride home that day and how whenever we're standing under a sky full of stars we look at eachother instead of up.
life is full of little moments that set us free

*do not drink the liquid.

I wanted to scream
at the top of my lungs
and tell you that if you're ever
looking for me
you know where to find me
and i'll always be here
waiting
but at this point i knew
i was just yelling
with lungs filled with water
and you would never hear me
but i will always be here
waiting

I knew I was playing with fire
so why was I so surprised when
I got burned?
He told me to make sure I don't fall
in love with him.
He told me he wasn't comfortable talking.
He told me he wanted to make me happy.
I had cigarette burns up and down my body
and I should've known it would hurt
because you had ones to match.
There's something about tracing over your own skin after someone's touched you.
Almost as if the traces will never disappear,
like the scars from cigarette burns.

i fall in love with every sunset.
i fall in love with hidden restaurants
that have lights stringing along
the ceiling.
i fell in love with the way i healed
my own heart after he left.
i fell in love with each time i broke
my own heart only to grow stronger.
i fell in love with the way he sat next to
me by the river.
i fell in love with the way he knew how
much i loved to be kissed, and then
i fell in love with how much he took
advantage of it when he was drunk.
i fell in love with the way he sat at
the kitchen table all night with me until
we fixed the problem.
i fell in love with the way he asked me
if i liked the new shirt his mom bought him.
i fell in love with the way he asked me to
read his grocery lists.
i fell out of love when his jealous mind
raged wars on me for months at a time.
i fell out of love when i heard him talking
about the other girls.
i fell out of love when i decided to love
someone new.
i did not love how sometimes i can still
feel his hands on my waist
and his lips on my shoulders.
i did not love how much i would think
about him day and night.
i did not love the fact that there
is no explanation for the way i feel
about him.
there is no reason i want to chase what
doesn't want me, only to leave behind
what would give me the world.
i fell in love with the way the
cigarette burns lined up on his
skin and then never looked back.

Let me tell you what it feels like
to have the one person you would
have done anything for destroy you.
He told me i wasn't special and that i
never would be.
Yes, we were together when
he said this.
And he didn't care.
He didn't care that i would
cry for hours over this.
He didn't care that even when
I, like an idiot, forgive him
I will still remember what he said.
And he didn't care that
I knew he would do it again.
Even when he apologized
and swore he would never hurt me
again.
He would.
And i knew it.

what heartbreak it is to feel a storm in your chest everyday.
to feel like you don't belong in your own skin.
and i know one day we will all be happy
because that's what they tell us right?
but i swear to god it has been cloudy and raining everyday.
I've been praying for a sunny sky for days
weeks
months
years.
And i know
i should be happy.
But how does one find happiness
trapped
like a prisoner
in their own mind.

stop destroying your life
and yourself
for people who
don't deserve it.

it was 8:21 pm and i had checked
my phone for the 78th time.
even though i was the one to ignore you,
i was hoping you would still try.
this wasn't me.
i used to not be like this.
for the first time in a long time
i bought myself some ******* flowers,
poured a glass of wine, and made some cookies.
for myself.

I'm laying in my bed and
i swear to god
i can almost feel my skin burning
as i lay where you did last night.
no one else would be able to tell
you were here, but i know.
and i wish i didn't.

I know there is going to be a day where I will be able to sit on my basement couch and not think of all the nights you had spent on it.
I will be able to eat my favorite foods again without thinking of you.
I'll be able to sleep in my bed, alone, without feeling lonely because I had used to sleep alone only two days out of the week.
I'll be able to walk through a nice town with lights stringing in the trees without thinking about how we used to walk hand in hand
for days together.
I will be able to sit in my car and look at the passenger seat without picturing you sitting there with tears welling in your eyes saying
"I can't do this anymore."
I will come alive again.
I always do.

They tell you how bad it hurts when
a lover leaves, but they never
warn you about ending friendships.
How the person you would talk to
and see everyday, doesn't want to
talk to you and see you anymore.
And you know you did nothing wrong,
just a simple change in mind.
But this was the person who was
never suppose to leave.
The one you called family.

you ruined me and you didn’t even know it
because you didn’t even know my name
but it was your smile
it was the brightest smile
i have seen in awhile.
i’ve been in the dark lately
so when your face lit up the room
i became attached
like a moth
to a fire

I will never forgive you for the way
you tore my heart right out of my chest
and left me on the ground to die.
This is the art of giving someone everything
you possibly can and loving until
you had nothing
for someone to decide they didn't want you in
their life.
this is ******.
This is someone giving you an oxygen tank
to help you breathe
to take it away a year and a half later
and expect you to breathe on your own.
This is how you rebuild yourself because
you were my other half and since you left
I only feel like I am half.
this is what you did to me.
I will never forgive you.

I don’t think about where you might be anymore

I don’t think about who you might be with

I don’t know you

You don’t know me

We were young

We didn’t know any better

I thought the sun would never rise again

When you left

But it did

And I grew

And so did you

I know, i should have known
better, the one person
i wanted, only wanted me
when he was drunk.
And i tried to stay
away,
but he was a drug to me.
He would never do this sober,
but when he was drunk
he would kiss me from my lips to my shoulders,
he would take me in his arms,
and he would feed this false sense of hope
into my heart,
and i knew it was all fake.
But i didn't care because i just
needed something to sedate.
Something to remind me
of what's it's like to feel
warmth,
even just for a second.
Because any other moment of the
day my blood ran cold,
and i feared that he might be the only
thing to heat me up.
Even though i tried so many times
to kick him out,
he always came back.
Like a disease.

I only knew you for a month. I met you and then you were gone. As quick as the change of seasons here in Illinois. But I get it. I get why you left. I would too. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. If I only get to know you for a month that’s ok too. If you ever decide to come home I hope you find me. I’ll continue on with my life and move along with the changing seasons and smile when a boy tells me I’m pretty. I’ll wonder what you’re up to from time to time and pray to whatever God there is that maybe I can see you again soon.

I am not the the night
i took comfort in another women's
idea of a home.
I will not be defined by the man
who only took what he wanted
and not what would make me
happy.
nor will i be defined by the man
who i let lay hands on me
and forgave home plenty of times
after.
I am the coffee shop i sit in
alone in the middle of the
afternoon to gain my piece
of mind.
I am the sunset i drive into,
alone, on weekday nights.
I'm made of the flowers i pick for
myself and put in a vase.
I'm not what these people think
of me to be.
I am so much more wrapped into
human skin.
And if they don't understand that,
they will never understand you.

We filled the room with
music that ran through our veins
as we sat on the floor and cried
because of all the people who dug
their claws so far into us
and then ripped them out
so fast
without any warning.
We drank straight from the
bottle of ***** like it was going to
tell us why they left when we got to
the bottom of it.
My best friend ripped all the
pictures she had of him off her
wall and threw them in the garbage.
And i thought to myself
"if only feelings were as easy to
get rid of as ripping pictures
of the people who hurt us off
the walls."
Then i thought to myself how
many times i would have ripped
your picture off the wall
if i had to do it everytime you
hurt me, but also how many times
i would be taping them back up
when you say sorry.

my lungs are screaming
heart is longing
always longing
for somewhere i’ve never
even been.
longing for somewhere that
may not even exist
but i can smell it
i can feel it
i can put myself there
and for a moment i feel the calm
the space
and the peace
i’ve needed
for what feels like forever.

I had millions of stars
inside of me when you
first met me.
You managed to put
out every single one by
the time you left.
With your words,
broken promises,
and fists.
But did you think these
galaxies would never re-light
and burn brighter than before
when you left?
You will never fully put
out this flame.

as much as i wanted to be wrong,
i knew i was right.
we are not meant to be.
two people cut from different cloths.
You and I.
two different branches
stemming from two different trees.
we never stood a chance.
this world couldn't handle two
huge weeping willows
put together as one.

why're we always the most
vulnerable at 5am?
when we wake up from a deep
sleep
in the dark of the morning
and everything hits you.
i remember when you left
my 5am's were always worse
than my 2pm's.
and my dreams would
haunt me back to sleep.

I wish I could record
Every word you spoke to me
Every glance you took at me
And rewatch it over and over
Just to feel the
butterflies in my stomach
The redness in my cheeks
The smile on my face that wouldn’t leave
I wanted to replay you
Over and over
I wanted to write a 12 page essay
On the way your hands moved when you spoke
And how you would brush your body
Up against mine
Even though you knew
You weren’t suppose to.
I want to meet you for the first time
A million times
I want to watch you
For the rest of my days
And pray to god this feeling never
Goes away.

There were so many nights
I tried to paint the
Summer stars
On my ceiling
But it never worked
And instead i would lay
Saddened
I finally understood what
"Beating a dead horse"
Meant
When i begged you
To care
Over
And over
Again,
But you never did.

They tell you love is kind.
The first time i fell in love,
love was not kind.
Love left me hurt
love gave me anxiety
love left bruises and marks.
The second time i fell in love
i was a lot more careful.
And this is when love
made sure i was okay at 3am.
Love didn't try to put a hold on
my life, but joined it.
Love didn't compete with me,
but encouraged me.
Love told me i was special,
and i listened, despite being told
i was the opposite the first time.
When i heard the three words for
the first time again, it didn't sting.
It lifted.
And i felt it once again.

When you chose the other women
over your wife
son
and daughter
did you feel it at all?
We wanted to save you from your disease
and they wanted to fuel it
with every shot they poured down your throat.
Did they know how sad we all were?
Did they know we begged you to stop?
Was it worth not only killing yourself
but killing all of us with you?

It starts in my chest as a small burning flame.
I feel it go down my right arm and into the tips of my fingers.
Almost painful to the touch, my hands tingle.
Almost as if my soul was trying to reach out to anything that would reach back.
My face turns hot and red.
I try to take a deep breath but feel as if my lungs have quit their job.
I lose control of myself.

there is no worse feeling in
the whole world than
trying so ******* hard
to only fail.
like i swear to god it smells
like this house is burning down
but everyone knows it burnt down
years ago.
and maybe i'm a little drunk,
but maybe i always am.
like god didn't give me
the power to do anything,
except write.
like i will never be heard by
anyone.
and my face lotion
smells just like you,
but now a days i smell
a house burning down
and i think it smells like you.
and the word "sorry" seems
to slip out of my mouth a lot
more than it should.
i think thats what a
burning house is like.
maybe its saying sorry, agreeing, and failing
even though you know
you shouldn't.

The fire started in my parent’s room
They tried to shut the door
So my little brother and I wouldn’t know.
The smoke went through the cracks and down the hallway. My father was the one who lit the match,
Even when he promised he wouldn’t.
But like I’ve always been told,
“An addict is always an addict”
and my mother just couldn’t take it anymore.
The fire spread to my bedroom first,
Burning all my childhood memories,
Leaving scars and smoke in my lungs
That would be there forever.
Did they know what they were doing to me? My little brother acts like it never happened. But I know he wishes his role model
Never lit that match.
How could the man who taught him how to play baseball Ever do such a thing?
My little brother stopped playing baseball
And I moved out of my bedroom
But some things will never leave you And to this day I can still smell
The lingering odor of smoke
On my clothes.

and i know you weren't right for me.
i take the time to memorize every scar
on someone else's body.
i look to see what makes their eyes light up
and what completely drives them mad.
i had every scar on your body memorized
and you barely even glanced at me.
you had me around, but for all the wrong
reasons.
what you neglected to realize was that i was a hurricane in the midst of the sunshower that was your life.
maybe you should've payed more attention when you had the chance.

i couldn't wait for the day
you sat, sick, wondering why i wasn't answering.
wondering why i couldn't just care
as much as you care.
cause it makes you sick to think that the person you would do
anything for doesn't feel as deep.
doesn't feel as hard.
because your anxiety has its hooks
dug so far in you that you cant breathe sometimes.
i care more than the others. always.

When was the last time you ever cared about anything?
When was the last time you wished you didn't care?
How many times have you have you laid on your bedroom floor,
shaking,
thinking over and over again
it'll all be worth it some day.
Cause they tell you to keep going even though
You feel like you're going to die.
So what's the point?
And it hurts.
it hurts so bad,
but we keep going.

alcohol ruined my life
and I wasn't even the one
drinking it.

You wrapped your arms
around me in the middle of the
night, I almost forgot what it
was like to be cared for,
until you reminded me.
And when I came over
and took care of you
while you were drunk
I was in fear,
because growing up
and even in past relationships
I only saw violence in
intoxicated men.
But when you looked at me,
while I was only wearing
an old T-Shirt and shorts,
and called me beautiful
I knew I shouldn't be afraid.
You started showing me what it's
like to be cared for,
instead of abused
and used.
And I know I may be scared sometimes,
almost like some sort of
bad PTSD,
but please just stay with me.

I can't decide if the grass is greener on the other side or if it just keeps getting brown as I walk to that side.
and I thought maybe if I drank myself to sleep tonight I'd stop having dreams about me dying.
have you ever noticed how the sky can be a bright blue on one side and the darkest black on the other right before it storms?
do you wonder if the bright blue side knows the dark black thunderstorm is coming,
or is it a surprise just as it is to us?
maybe if the storm waited a few more days or minutes it wouldn't have been as bad.
maybe it was always that bad.
maybe the rain is what makes the grass greener.

I knew it was for the best.
I sacrificed my heart for you
when I gave it to someone else
because I knew we would only end
up broken.
I knew this was it for us.
whatever we were
whatever we had
would be gone for the rest of our lives.
I could take it I knew I could.
I would soon forget about you.
and when I woke up new year’s day
after you got drunk and angry and destroyed everything in your house,
i told my friend, and she said,
“i’m glad he didn’t break you”
but I think walls and glass weren’t
the only things that have been broken
by him the last nine months.