So i said to myself
"Yeah, lets pretend like we don't know eachother,
It's probably for the best anyway
Because when you talk to me
And grab at my shoulders the way
You use to, it all comes flooding back to me
Everything i pushed to the back of my mind
Hits me again like a tsunami
So i'll just turn my head
And walk away
Even though i can feel your eyes
On me.
Watching me.
Like you always used to."

how many times
have you told yourself
you would be better
off this way.

Have you ever wanted to take away
someone else's problems so much
that they become your own?
You want to get them a one way
ticket to God knows where
and say "Just for you and I."
so the world will stop crashing at their feet.
and God knows it'll stop crashing at yours too.
You love someone so much that
you just want want to take away their
pain so bad
that it starts to become your own.

don't forget to remind them that
you have lightening running
through your bones and
that you're not easily shaken
like the thunderstorms in your
mind.
tell them that while you may
be four parts of a disaster
your house was built to stand
lungs not ready to collapse
and your heart was made to love
despite all the Hurricanes raging inside
of you.

sometimes I think about what I would do if someone handed me a liquid that ended my life right away without feeling any pain or putting in any effort.
a few years ago I probably would have taken it without hesitation,
but now I would stop and think about how the sky turns pink when the sun sets in the evening.
I would think about how my dogs lick and jump when I first walk through the door after a few short hours.
I would think about how the sun reflects off the buildings in the city on a beautiful day and how good it feels to look at while drinking a cup of coffee-
I would think about how at ease we laid on the train ride home that day and how whenever we're standing under a sky full of stars we look at eachother instead of up.
life is full of little moments that set us free

*do not drink the liquid.

I knew I was playing with fire
so why was I so surprised when
I got burned?
He told me to make sure I don't fall
in love with him.
He told me he wasn't comfortable talking.
He told me he wanted to make me happy.
I had cigarette burns up and down my body
and I should've known it would hurt
because you had ones to match.
There's something about tracing over your own skin after someone's touched you.
Almost as if the traces will never disappear,
like the scars from cigarette burns.

I wanted to scream
at the top of my lungs
and tell you that if you're ever
looking for me
you know where to find me
and i'll always be here
waiting
but at this point i knew
i was just yelling
with lungs filled with water
and you would never hear me
but i will always be here
waiting

what heartbreak it is to feel a storm in your chest everyday.
to feel like you don't belong in your own skin.
and i know one day we will all be happy
because that's what they tell us right?
but i swear to god it has been cloudy and raining everyday.
I've been praying for a sunny sky for days
weeks
months
years.
And i know
i should be happy.
But how does one find happiness
trapped
like a prisoner
in their own mind.

I'm laying in my bed and
i swear to god
i can almost feel my skin burning
as i lay where you did last night.
no one else would be able to tell
you were here, but i know.
and i wish i didn't.

You turn the music up all the way
so you can try to drown out your fathers words
repeating over and over again in your head.
This time it was about your weight.
Even though he couldn't even say it
without all the words coming out slurred
and his eyes rolling to the back of his head.
You wanted so bad to tell him that
you could lose a few pounds,
but he will always be an alcoholic.
But you don't because that would
only make him angrier.
You knew he was only taking it out
on you because his wife was leaving him.
You just walk away
knowing he wouldn't even remember
the conversation in the morning anyway
because he does this all the time
and you're used to it.

it was 8:21 pm and i had checked
my phone for the 78th time.
even though i was the one to ignore you,
i was hoping you would still try.
this wasn't me.
i used to not be like this.
for the first time in a long time
i bought myself some ******* flowers,
poured a glass of wine, and made some cookies.
for myself.

I will never forgive you for the way
you tore my heart right out of my chest
and left me on the ground to die.
This is the art of giving someone everything
you possibly can and loving until
you had nothing
for someone to decide they didn't want you in
their life.
this is ******.
This is someone giving you an oxygen tank
to help you breathe
to take it away a year and a half later
and expect you to breathe on your own.
This is how you rebuild yourself because
you were my other half and since you left
I only feel like I am half.
this is what you did to me.
I will never forgive you.

My heart feels full and empty at the same time. I just really miss you. 930 miles seems like it’s on the other side of the world. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. But, I hope I do. Hope feels like nothing more than a dream. So I’ll let you go and I’ll let you keep coming back and hope one day I can wake up next to you on a warm sunny summer day, make us coffee and thank the universe for the hope I held onto when I felt both full and empty.

I know there is going to be a day where I will be able to sit on my basement couch and not think of all the nights you had spent on it.
I will be able to eat my favorite foods again without thinking of you.
I'll be able to sleep in my bed, alone, without feeling lonely because I had used to sleep alone only two days out of the week.
I'll be able to walk through a nice town with lights stringing in the trees without thinking about how we used to walk hand in hand
for days together.
I will be able to sit in my car and look at the passenger seat without picturing you sitting there with tears welling in your eyes saying
"I can't do this anymore."
I will come alive again.
I always do.

I am not the the night
i took comfort in another women's
idea of a home.
I will not be defined by the man
who only took what he wanted
and not what would make me
happy.
nor will i be defined by the man
who i let lay hands on me
and forgave home plenty of times
after.
I am the coffee shop i sit in
alone in the middle of the
afternoon to gain my piece
of mind.
I am the sunset i drive into,
alone, on weekday nights.
I'm made of the flowers i pick for
myself and put in a vase.
I'm not what these people think
of me to be.
I am so much more wrapped into
human skin.
And if they don't understand that,
they will never understand you.

I know, i should have known
better, the one person
i wanted, only wanted me
when he was drunk.
And i tried to stay
away,
but he was a drug to me.
He would never do this sober,
but when he was drunk
he would kiss me from my lips to my shoulders,
he would take me in his arms,
and he would feed this false sense of hope
into my heart,
and i knew it was all fake.
But i didn't care because i just
needed something to sedate.
Something to remind me
of what's it's like to feel
warmth,
even just for a second.
Because any other moment of the
day my blood ran cold,
and i feared that he might be the only
thing to heat me up.
Even though i tried so many times
to kick him out,
he always came back.
Like a disease.

They tell you how bad it hurts when
a lover leaves, but they never
warn you about ending friendships.
How the person you would talk to
and see everyday, doesn't want to
talk to you and see you anymore.
And you know you did nothing wrong,
just a simple change in mind.
But this was the person who was
never suppose to leave.
The one you called family.

i fall in love with every sunset.
i fall in love with hidden restaurants
that have lights stringing along
the ceiling.
i fell in love with the way i healed
my own heart after he left.
i fell in love with each time i broke
my own heart only to grow stronger.
i fell in love with the way he sat next to
me by the river.
i fell in love with the way he knew how
much i loved to be kissed, and then
i fell in love with how much he took
advantage of it when he was drunk.
i fell in love with the way he sat at
the kitchen table all night with me until
we fixed the problem.
i fell in love with the way he asked me
if i liked the new shirt his mom bought him.
i fell in love with the way he asked me to
read his grocery lists.
i fell out of love when his jealous mind
raged wars on me for months at a time.
i fell out of love when i heard him talking
about the other girls.
i fell out of love when i decided to love
someone new.
i did not love how sometimes i can still
feel his hands on my waist
and his lips on my shoulders.
i did not love how much i would think
about him day and night.
i did not love the fact that there
is no explanation for the way i feel
about him.
there is no reason i want to chase what
doesn't want me, only to leave behind
what would give me the world.
i fell in love with the way the
cigarette burns lined up on his
skin and then never looked back.

Let me tell you what it feels like
to have the one person you would
have done anything for destroy you.
He told me i wasn't special and that i
never would be.
Yes, we were together when
he said this.
And he didn't care.
He didn't care that i would
cry for hours over this.
He didn't care that even when
I, like an idiot, forgive him
I will still remember what he said.
And he didn't care that
I knew he would do it again.
Even when he apologized
and swore he would never hurt me
again.
He would.
And i knew it.

why're we always the most
vulnerable at 5am?
when we wake up from a deep
sleep
in the dark of the morning
and everything hits you.
i remember when you left
my 5am's were always worse
than my 2pm's.
and my dreams would
haunt me back to sleep.

There were so many nights
I tried to paint the
Summer stars
On my ceiling
But it never worked
And instead i would lay
Saddened
I finally understood what
"Beating a dead horse"
Meant
When i begged you
To care
Over
And over
Again,
But you never did.

stop destroying your life
and yourself
for people who
don't deserve it.

as much as i wanted to be wrong,
i knew i was right.
we are not meant to be.
two people cut from different cloths.
You and I.
two different branches
stemming from two different trees.
we never stood a chance.
this world couldn't handle two
huge weeping willows
put together as one.

I had millions of stars
inside of me when you
first met me.
You managed to put
out every single one by
the time you left.
With your words,
broken promises,
and fists.
But did you think these
galaxies would never re-light
and burn brighter than before
when you left?
You will never fully put
out this flame.

We filled the room with
music that ran through our veins
as we sat on the floor and cried
because of all the people who dug
their claws so far into us
and then ripped them out
so fast
without any warning.
We drank straight from the
bottle of ***** like it was going to
tell us why they left when we got to
the bottom of it.
My best friend ripped all the
pictures she had of him off her
wall and threw them in the garbage.
And i thought to myself
"if only feelings were as easy to
get rid of as ripping pictures
of the people who hurt us off
the walls."
Then i thought to myself how
many times i would have ripped
your picture off the wall
if i had to do it everytime you
hurt me, but also how many times
i would be taping them back up
when you say sorry.

you ruined me and you didn’t even know it
because you didn’t even know my name
but it was your smile
it was the brightest smile
i have seen in awhile.
i’ve been in the dark lately
so when your face lit up the room
i became attached
like a moth
to a fire

i couldn't wait for the day
you sat, sick, wondering why i wasn't answering.
wondering why i couldn't just care
as much as you care.
cause it makes you sick to think that the person you would do
anything for doesn't feel as deep.
doesn't feel as hard.
because your anxiety has its hooks
dug so far in you that you cant breathe sometimes.
i care more than the others. always.

They tell you love is kind.
The first time i fell in love,
love was not kind.
Love left me hurt
love gave me anxiety
love left bruises and marks.
The second time i fell in love
i was a lot more careful.
And this is when love
made sure i was okay at 3am.
Love didn't try to put a hold on
my life, but joined it.
Love didn't compete with me,
but encouraged me.
Love told me i was special,
and i listened, despite being told
i was the opposite the first time.
When i heard the three words for
the first time again, it didn't sting.
It lifted.
And i felt it once again.

my lungs are screaming
heart is longing
always longing
for somewhere i’ve never
even been.
longing for somewhere that
may not even exist
but i can smell it
i can feel it
i can put myself there
and for a moment i feel the calm
the space
and the peace
i’ve needed
for what feels like forever.

When was the last time you ever cared about anything?
When was the last time you wished you didn't care?
How many times have you have you laid on your bedroom floor,
shaking,
thinking over and over again
it'll all be worth it some day.
Cause they tell you to keep going even though
You feel like you're going to die.
So what's the point?
And it hurts.
it hurts so bad,
but we keep going.

I can't decide if the grass is greener on the other side or if it just keeps getting brown as I walk to that side.
and I thought maybe if I drank myself to sleep tonight I'd stop having dreams about me dying.
have you ever noticed how the sky can be a bright blue on one side and the darkest black on the other right before it storms?
do you wonder if the bright blue side knows the dark black thunderstorm is coming,
or is it a surprise just as it is to us?
maybe if the storm waited a few more days or minutes it wouldn't have been as bad.
maybe it was always that bad.
maybe the rain is what makes the grass greener.

alcohol ruined my life
and I wasn't even the one
drinking it.

One night I was sick and tired
of being weak
so I looked up at the sky and screamed for something to save me,
it turns out that I had received a pair of wings.

When you chose the other women
over your wife
son
and daughter
did you feel it at all?
We wanted to save you from your disease
and they wanted to fuel it
with every shot they poured down your throat.
Did they know how sad we all were?
Did they know we begged you to stop?
Was it worth not only killing yourself
but killing all of us with you?

I don’t think about where you might be anymore

I don’t think about who you might be with

I don’t know you

You don’t know me

We were young

We didn’t know any better

I thought the sun would never rise again

When you left

But it did

And I grew

And so did you

there is no worse feeling in
the whole world than
trying so ******* hard
to only fail.
like i swear to god it smells
like this house is burning down
but everyone knows it burnt down
years ago.
and maybe i'm a little drunk,
but maybe i always am.
like god didn't give me
the power to do anything,
except write.
like i will never be heard by
anyone.
and my face lotion
smells just like you,
but now a days i smell
a house burning down
and i think it smells like you.
and the word "sorry" seems
to slip out of my mouth a lot
more than it should.
i think thats what a
burning house is like.
maybe its saying sorry, agreeing, and failing
even though you know
you shouldn't.

and i know you weren't right for me.
i take the time to memorize every scar
on someone else's body.
i look to see what makes their eyes light up
and what completely drives them mad.
i had every scar on your body memorized
and you barely even glanced at me.
you had me around, but for all the wrong
reasons.
what you neglected to realize was that i was a hurricane in the midst of the sunshower that was your life.
maybe you should've payed more attention when you had the chance.

During the winter, I never would have thought you would be gone by the time the leaves grew back on the trees.
Today i walked to our favorite spot.
It was still so innocent, like us when we were there.
Brand new and untouched by each other.
That was over two years ago.
And i swear to god, I could have built a house right on top
of that bench we sat on, on that second date in the middle of the woods, and live there forever.

I didn't realize how much i was going
to miss you until the cold breeze started
to flow through my windows.
You reminded me of Autumn.
My favorite season out of them all.
The cold air hit me like you did,
when i first met you.
I realized i didn't want to
live through another fall season
again, if i had to do with without you.
Now that you're gone i know the leaves
are still going to change.
That doesn't mean you're going to come back.
I just let the cold breeze roll in
along with autumn memories with you
and i still go on,
everyday,
as if you never existed.

You wrapped your arms
around me in the middle of the
night, I almost forgot what it
was like to be cared for,
until you reminded me.
And when I came over
and took care of you
while you were drunk
I was in fear,
because growing up
and even in past relationships
I only saw violence in
intoxicated men.
But when you looked at me,
while I was only wearing
an old T-Shirt and shorts,
and called me beautiful
I knew I shouldn't be afraid.
You started showing me what it's
like to be cared for,
instead of abused
and used.
And I know I may be scared sometimes,
almost like some sort of
bad PTSD,
but please just stay with me.

Lately you've been haunting my dreams.
I see you again and you're as warm as you
were when I first met you.
Isn't it odd how our dreams only show us
what we want to remember about a person?
Because despite all the bruises and tears,
in my dreams you hold me so tight
just like you used to.
You wrap your hands in my hair
and you tell me to never leave you.
But you left me.
And I swear to god i can feel your heart beat
again,
just like how I used to count the beats of it
at 3 A.M. when you would keep me warm.
And in my dreams we do exactly that
and lately it's been so easy to sleep.

Last March i went to the doctor
for a simple cold and when they
listened to my beating heart
they wanted to rush me to the hospital
because my heart rate was a lot higher than it
should've been.
I told them that it was fine
i would be fine.
what i didn't tell them was that
there was a volcano rupturing inside me
for the last 6 years, that know one
could control.
the doctors wouldn't be able to calm
this disaster inside me.

I keep seeing your eyes everywhere i go.
I keep feeling your arms wrapped around me
in my dreams.
Sometimes i'll be driving through
a beautiful sunset
and your scent will come
across me.
I had every crack and callus on your
hands memorized.
And now I barely remember the sound of
your voice.
And thats life
and I am trying to be okay with that.
Okay with the fact that I might die
one day without ever seeing you again,
hearing you again.
You were my life and now
you're absolutely nothing but
a memory.
All I want to know is if you
miss me too.
This is the cold truth about life.