nights like these
and i think I am okay
for once i hear Your word
my stomach unties
not knots
my mind slows
not races
my body rests
not tires
and i know i am okay
for i can feel Your hand of peace holding me
and i know You will never let me go

Nights like these
I even tried to take a shower
The water seems to calm me when it comes down in it’s torrents
like the rain
yet that hasn’t worked out the monster that my body tired
my stomach knotted
and my mind racing in unease
Nights like these

tears filled my eyes looking at nothing,
thinking of everything.
every cork that filled a hole in my heart slowly popped itself out and i literally felt the rush of sadness through my body,
filling my veins,
intoxicating my mind once again.
is this what i'm meant to be?
sometimes i feel like a punching bag for everyone and myself.
i will beat myself down slowly then all at once.
i am not a best friend,
i am an enemy to myself.
this is how it'll always be right?
i wanted to slice open my skin and feel numb again,
i wanted to take a handfull of sleeping pills to feel numb again.
i can hear my parents fighting again.
i can feel how i felt when my own friends told me they never loved me.
i can see my older sister fighting my mother over everything again.
it all came back to me in what felt like a split of a second.
i was 12 again and as sad as i ever was.
i was 12 again,
sitting on my bedroom floor,
wishing that i would gather the courage through my sobs to finally end it.

and i should have.
i'm not meant to be here.

Night like these
The lights turn off
And it feels like someone’s hand clenches my stomach
Twisting and twisting and twisting it into a perfect knot
And I can’t untie it
Nights like these

Nights like these
When my stomach hurts like that
And the light seems to bend around the room in funny ways
And I can’t every seem to fall asleep
Nights like these
When nothing is ever right

I’m scared to turn off the lights
For with no light
Then comes the darkness
For with only darkness
Then comes the nightmares
I’m scared to turn off the lights

I've known you as one name.
I nickname
I thought you preferred.
I've gotten so used
To using it.
But I love your name.
I think it suits you.
So I'll call you by one name,
Sing it to the sun.
Breathe it out
Like a breeze in the summer.
But your other name,
I'll whisper to the stars.
Let in fall from my tongue
Like a prayer to the moon.