As iGet Ready To Sleep
Close my Eye's
&
Laydown, The 1st Thought Appears
Then The image
And rolling tape, scenarios of me getting high
Lately Have Been Appearing. Feels realistic
And They Have me Feining. The Movements look so Amazing &
Deceiving
All this is trippig me.

My Addiction iS Silent
Mnd Dragging
Its become swollen, overthinking about the Little ****.
The Little voices in my mind arnt making me feel Fine.
Im Trying To Drag Myself towards Sobriety
But my brain and working buddys Are Leading me back to
The stimulant
That makes it feel better
Ineed to settle.

iLet iT in
iLet iT Be
iFeed On To The Sadness And Dwell on my Past Sad ****.
Memories That Tournament Me.
Racing Thoughts At Night
About Things That Dont Let Me Sleep
Toss & Turn
Minor Migraines
Wish they'd
All just go
All The Negativity
To leave me so i can live
Peacefully

iM Crushing
iSee Him
iWant Him
iFound Him
iLike Him
iM Shy
iTry To Converse
Instead i Compliment
Flirtatious Comments As He Walks Past Me
IReceive A Request
iTs Him, he Found Me
iS All This Meant to be?
We Begin to get closer
Know More about each other
different ways of communication
Never confronted
Video Games, Social Websites, Sibilings
Finally
A Number
We Start To Text One Another
Every Second Every Minute Every Day
iHardly Know About him
He Hardly knows about me
Might he be into me?
I think Everyday About it.
The more letters
iwrite
The more im becoming to like him
Hes Everything iWanted Since Middle school days
little did i guess
we'd become neighbors
was it fate
iM Crushing
iSee Him
iWant Him
iFound Him
iLike Him
iM Hurting
iM Heartbroken
iM Sad
continued...

Will iBe Strong Enough
To Stop,
Im Sober Already
But
Temptation Creeps
Blinds me
Will i be quick to say no if pulled out infront of me?
iWanna Stop but iStill wanna use
At times Idont know what
Iwant.
Sobriety or the highlife...

Pretty Girls
Every Where, Beautiful Image
Angel Heart, Brain So Smart
Confident, independent, Successful
Then iTs Stressful
Disappointing, heartbreaking
Seeing
Some of these girls fall into the wrong trail.
Influenced, peers, relatives, boyfriends, homegirls
Got them to inhale
A Substance so strong
They dont seem to see it
The new life lane there on, once they
... continued

Im Sitting Here
Thinking about life.
As The Homies Are Taking Turns
Passing, Shot Gun
Sniffing, Racking, hot railing
Twisting
The Pookie Pipe 666
The Devils Clear ****
There Getting lost in that ****
Addicts since they were all youngin
Kicking it with 19, 25 30 40 year olds
Im Looking, Then Im looking down.
see the pipe passed on to me
Where ibegan to think and
Look Down On my
Life.
Reality hits me.
Im following the same line, chasing the same thang

Even Though IDont Want
the Drug.
it Still Roams
still Comes Along
makes Me Feind
without me Even Thinking About iT
iHate it
How This Cycle Just Makes iTs Way
it Makes Me Sad
believe me, iDo Try Hard
to Not think about it
let it come to my mind.
but it just makes its way to my brain.
im tired of this.

iM Trying To Find A WaY
Trying To Find Away To Get Away.
My Mind iS Twisted
iHave No Where To Turn
Not Even Drugs.
iTs me mentally, insanity

The Sky iS Frozen
Money iS Falling, Green iN The Air.
Theres A Scream, A Screen
Can iT Be
Crystal Clear Flashing its self to me
How Could iT Be
Yes, its The Substance
iT Has Control Over Me, iT Owns Me
iAlready Gave iT My Soul
it Bought Me
iM iTs Slave, iTs Puppet
its Two Thousand Thirteen
2013
**** Hasnt Changed, iTake Rehab As A Game
iGained More Knowledge
iPledge To My Godess
Which iS The Evil The Crooked The Devil.
iM A fallen Angel iNlove with Crystal

iWant To Be Set Free.
Away And Cured From This Addictive Disease.
iWant To Be Happy, iWant To Actually Smile
iWant To Be Able To Feel
iWanna Laugh And Enjoy Life
iDont Like Being Addicted
iDont Like Using And Tweaking No More
iWant To Quit
Sober Up Entirely
From My Health And Mind
iWant The Angel Back On My Shoulders.
iWanna Do Good
iWanna Succeed And Become Somebody
This Drug Always Seems To Get The Best Of Me
To Fall Easily
God Give Me Strength And Strong Wings

This Feeling iS So Amazing.
Youll LOVE IT
More Like Fall inlove and Become Sick Dope Sprung,
iKnow iDid.
Fell For iTs Blinded Tricks So Easily
iTll Greet You And Come To You Nice And Sweetly
A Rush
The Feel As iF You Just Accomplished More Than
100 Things At Once.
A Sunshine Glow
Euphoric Flow

iNever Been iN A Relationship With A Human Being.
Only With My Drug,
Crystal ****.
IConsidered iT My Lover.
My Baby, My World My Everything. iFell inlove With A Substance,
Felt So Real.
Created A Strong Bond
That Seemed unbreakable We Were unseperable.
This Stimulant Kept Me Away From Reality And Everything in it.
Blocked Me
From Having An Actual Boyfriend and Catching
True Loving Feeling.
iWas Blinded By These False Euphoric Feelings.
A Rush Like iF ive Accomplished A Hundred Things.
iWas Concentrated And Focused On Getting High And
Just living The Addict life.
That iHad No intrest At 16 Towards Boys or having a love life.
My Mind Was Just Set On The Streets And Dope Game,
Riskful Missions And Hanging With Friends. Guys Would Holler,
But id Give No interest.
Just Me And My Drug iS All That Mattered.
Throughout My 3rd Time iN Rehab, My Neighbor Would Call.
A Guy Friend.
Daily Conversations, Laughs And giggls,  something so rare and unexperienced.
As iBegan To Recover & Emotions Started To Untie,
iBegan To Feel Some Strange feelings ive never experienced 1st hand.
Once iGraduated My program. We Communicated More,
I liked This, i liked him.
Was Hard To believe that after all he knew about me?
He was into me to.
My supporter, My Friend This Guy Became My 1st Boyfriend <3
041314

iF iRelapse.
Baby Just Know, iOnly love You.
The Drug Will make me go Crazy & Lie Saying iLove iT
More Than You. My Slip Will Turn me Half Way Back To my
Old Ways.
Wicked Mentality & Heartless self, Numbed Out, Emotionless
Painless And Careless.
Nomatter the Relapse and reactions Ijust Want you to know
Il forever love you more.

She Smiles, So Bright.
She Laughs, She Giggles, She Jokes.
She Frouns, So Low.
She Cries, She Screams And Throws.
She Waves, She Hugs.
She Plays, Shes Sweet And Talks.
She Pushs, She Goes insane.
She isolates, Left Alone, Danger Zone
She Goes Energetic Then Switchs into A Deep Depression. So Confusing
She Likes To Walk, Likes To write
She Has To Be Babysitted, Her Everymove Gets Closer and relapse
She's Full Of Happiness Shes Full of Light And Comfort. she's kind, Sweet And Respectful.
Shes Full Of Negative Surprises, Disappointment And Disasters.
She Needs To Get Her life Together.

iM Clean.
But iM Struggling. iBecame An Addict A Sad Hopeless Dope Fein.
iM 9 Weeks Sober & Every Day iS A Battle & iDont Want to lose.
iTs Becoming More Frustrating As My Clean Days Rise
instead Of Feeling Proud, im Feeling Down. Afraid il end up
throwing All those weeks to waste
Like Before. Then Feel
Useless And See All ive Done Go down the drain and
Start My Addiction all over again.
I Wish My Beloved
Ones understood. That its Hard for me to change from bad to good
im not used to it, im
Afraid to change but believe me ido but im so unsure of
What to do.

iTurned 17 Today.
Never imagined id make it this far.
iTs A Blessing.
iN Every Journal iHave, ive mentioned i wouldn't make it to this age. Would Have Died
Off An Overdose, Gun Shots or Stab.
But im Here, iJust Came in
from The Adorable Party my neighbor Threw me, out of every one
iWas First To Go in.
iTs late night, iM 17 And iM About To Get High, Got The Pipe
And the Bic Ready to light and twist
Find This Disgusting and
Sick. about to begin another year to this dope ****.
Started At 14, Now im Heading towards Another sad year.

Why iS iT So Hard?
iJust Want To Drop iT All. The Past
And The Sickening
Memories.  My addictive mind
Cause iReminice About
It heavily.
Every day, every second iThink
About it
Just Crosses My mind not intentionally.
When iM Sad And Blue Racing Thoughts Start running
To me.
The High Life Part begins to trigger
Me, flashbacks
Of How it all was, twacked out
Plays nonstop
Im maintaing my sobriety but im
Worried my
Manipulative side mentality blinds me.

So Yeah
iFucked With Tweak Again.
How Have iBeen Getting On One? Night Time.
When Everyones Asleep,
***** Major.
My Mind Was Just Beginning
To Sort Out.
iJust Stopped The Process.
By Me Tweaking At Night ?
iM ******* With My Head Again
Still Paranoid Worsening iT.  
iDidnt Enjoy iT ,
But **** Have iBeen Getting High(: iMissed iTs Feeling, iTs So Pure And Dreamy <3
No Wonder iLove iT, Began Reminiscing Deep About iT ^_^ Remembering Why iT iS iSay DopeLove <3$:.

**** *** Am iDoing
Making This Worse For My Self
iJust Begun
And Re Picked Up
This iS Were iT Starts.
Should Begin To Worry
iTs Way To Early!
Already On A Thin Line The Last Chapter iN My Life
till My Death Story.
iM Killing Me Slowly
By Taking This Substance.
My Times Ticking
My Hearts Beating
As iContinue To Use
More Like Abuse.
iCant Just Take
1 Line Or Smoke 1 Bowl
And Save The Rest.
iGo All About And Have To Do Every Last Bit.
Then iGo On Again To Finding A Way To Get More Of it

iTs Difficult To Live Mylife,
The Struggle.
The Problems iHave And Keep Creating.
Not Knowing Who iAm
Being A Drug Addict Who Cant Seem To Stop There Bad Habit.
They Say iTs Easy You Just Want To Want iT.
Not iF You Fallen So Low, left All Alone.
iM Deep iN This ****, Deserve To Be 6ft Down To Rest.
iTs The Best.
For Everyone.
iM Doing Nothing But Disappointing The Ones Taking There Time Trying To Support Me.
Wasting There Encouragement Not Knowing iWont Last Long Before iUse And Fall Back in
The Same Cycle All ******* Over Again :/
iTs  Very Sad, To Continue This.
Been To Many Places Yet Nothing Changes,
iM Tired And Overwhelmed .
Why Am iUsing Now?
iFeel Lonely.
This Drug Fills Everything Up inside Of Me.
This is The Reason Why iWent Back To iT.
Before iT Was Cause iLoved The Effects And Kept Trying To Get High Asf Like My 1st Hit,
Then Lead To Me Going At iT Cause
My Body Felt Like iT Couldnt Function Off iT
Which Made Me An Addict .
Loving And wanting To Always Have iT.
Before iT Was Great,
Nobody Knew.
Then they Found Out The Truth.
Ever Since Then Ive Been Living Daily On Lies Having To Hide iT, Denying im On iT When Clearly iTs Obvious.
Chemicals Messing With My Mood ,
My Mind Now Plays Tricks On Me. Dont Know When itl Be Over Cause iDont think il 
 Want To ever Be Sober.

iN & Out Of Rehab
       iRelapse
Then Collapse
iNever
        Commited To Sober Living So Why Are People Tripping?
     Drug Programs
Are A Waste According To My Case.
        im Never  Going to Stop
 unless i O.D And Drop
But Even iN Heaven Thats iF iRise.
            With the Angel
imma Continue Tweaking Cause iM A ****** Tweaker
     Or iN Hell With Fallen Angels.
It'll Be Better,
       Since iSold My Soul To The Devil.
He Never Asked
iJust Gave iT Up.
iFell iN Love With A stimulant Drug made up Of Chemicals ****** Poison But idgaf il Keep Dosing.  
 Went From Snorting To Smoking
    Methamphetamine
iLet iT Get The Best Of Me.

Part 2
Out & iN
2014 iTs Krazie
iM Back To This Dope ****.
Its been Already 4 years and
Im still Addicted.
In & Out
Of Rehabs, Different Drug Programs and Sad That iStill
Havnt learned ****.
Got Out November 19 2014 For The 3rd Time
And im Still Twisting, Getting Lit
Ilove Living Twisted
Im on a comedown
Im irrated right now wanting to take
Another hit.