She only does it to free her mind.

But yet she's locked in a cage.

She only does it to get rid of the bad thoughts
The ones that fill her with rage.

She doesn't think it does anything to her mind
The mind she thinks she's saving with it

She's so addictive to anything she can feel better
As she takes a hit from it

It keeps her calmed by physical matters but keeps certain things alive

She thinks she's moving forward with this soothing inhale as the feeling arrives

Thinking she's ok and content but really she stays still.

It can take more and more to realize that this distraction can ****

I hate that she does it, I watch as her eyes light up to the substance she adores

An addict doesn't have to be consistent its about what they want more and more

She…

Is...


Constantly searching for answers. Constantly questioning surroundings…..places…things.

Always curious.

Always distracted.

Mind bobbling and rattling with ideas. Ideas that come and go. But ones that never really stick.

She desires attention.

She’s not sure what kind. Just any kind.

She reaches out to people for validation of herself without knowing. For comfort.

Beautiful.

Wandering, sparkling brown eyes. Full lips. Bright smile. Lights up her face.

Upbeat.

In small ways and big ways.

Talented.

That’s scattered in different things. Poetic in certain emotions that are expressed.

Anxious.

For everything. Anything.

Aching for change. But changing nothing.

Excitement.

She shows. She likes.

Naive.

Her eyes light up to new things. Growing more curious. Unaware of consequences.

Unknown.
To others. Herself.

Stuck.

In her mind. In her expectations. In her demons. In her betrayal. In her regret.

She.

Is……

Yearning.

For self assurance. Accomplishments.

Guidance.

I…
Want to…


Show her realization. Reality. Art.

Beauty.

In herself. In her talent. In her aspirations.

Patience.

In her skills. In her growth. With her mind. With her future.

Peace.

Within herself. With her past. With her doubts.

Show her that….


She…
Is….

A Diamond in the Rough.

That she has to fall down. To get back up.

To brush herself off. To want to keep going.

On one path at a time…with one foot at a time.

To stop running.

In her mind. With her thoughts. With her feelings. With her analysis of herself.


That it is ok…

to move slow. To take her time. To perfect her craft. With one desire at a time.

She…

Is…

A work of Art that requires time.


She….

is….

Beautiful.

Maybe I loved a little too hard.

A little too much.

A little too annoying.

A little too passive aggressively.

A little too bad.

A little too good.

A little too sudden.

A little too selflessly.

A little too ******.

A little too much depth.

A little too much passion.

A little too much.

Maybe I loved a little too much.

Amazing.

Amazing how a human being can be the reason to your sanity or insanity

To drive you insanely happy or crazy, you never thought it would be you right, how can it be?

It seems so much more simpler to watch the idea of love to someone else's vision

You go from low to high to high to low, your butterflies grow then go, your temperature has risen

Get yourself prepared for the roller coaster of the dose of another human beings presence

You'll learn a thing or two, from the deadly feeling of the unwanted turn of events and their lessons

You have no idea what you're in a ride for, get on, go high, go toss and turn upside down

You'll laugh, you'll scream you'll fear for your life and your stomach will torture round and round

Leading to starved insides from the lack of the dose you so desperately need

Your eyes will get too heavy to close  for it all to be over as you plead

To get off, to please be over, you can't take anymore, its too much, no mas no mas

Its frightening to know how much you lack of self control for this ride, keep your fingers crossed

Will you make it? Will it be worth it? Can you make it through it to the end?

It slows down after a while, the craziness settles down until you let it begin again

You're off, you made it, the drops of your insides switch off and you feel empty

It wasn't that bad, even more so knowing you could do it, its so tempting

To try it again. And again, you crave to get on once more.

The roller coaster of another human being can excite or scare you to the core.

There's nothing else like it, its a powerful drug that can cause us to deplete

To look back at an end or beginning with the thought of it as a victory or defeat.

Do you know what it feels like?
To feel completely alone.

To have no one to talk to?
But yourself.

That no one cares to check up on you?
Unless they need something.

That no one wants to hang out with you?
Because their first options bail.

Do you know what it feels like?
To long for a companionship.

To feel like you're not interesting enough?
Because people lack consistency.

To reach out to people to be sociable?
But you get little to no response.

To watch other people in close friendships?
And only see what it could be like to have them on tv shows.

To stay at home and use your time trying to create?
But your heart feels heavy.

To encounter cool people then exchange connections?
And be ignored or flaked on.

To only wish that you'd meet the person who'd make it worth the wait.

Hang in there.

I feel this pain.

Can you feel  mine?

I hate getting drunk, because I think of you.

I hate getting sad, because it started with you.

I hate thinking of you, because I cant stop thinking of you.

I hate shedding tears, because Im sad for you.

I hate when my mind drives, because it races towards you

I hate when people ask if Im ok, because I know the answer is because of you

I'll never love again, because I'll never love anyone but you

I hate smoking green, because it would remind me while I drift

I hate sitting still with my thoughts, because theres too many of you

With this liqour, green or sadness it'll all surround you.

You would swear you were the greatest thing to this world

But only because I made you that way.

I love getting drunk, because I think of you

I love getting sad, because it started with you.

I love thinking of you, because I can't stop thinking of you.

I love shedding tears, because I'm sad for you.

I love when my mind drives, because it races towards you

I love when people ask if im ok, because I know the answer is because of you

I'll never love again, because I'll never love anyone but you.

While you go on living your life as if nothing affected you, I'm affected the most.

While you pretend your feelings didn't hit you in the face, my face is numb from the hit.

While you narrow down your choices in who matters to you, I'm the one that didn't.

While you go out with your friends and laugh like nothing phases you, its hard over here for me to even crack a smile.

When you thought being distant would make things go away, I stayed close to try to walk beside you.

While you're out smoking and drinking and trying to push away thoughts, I'm sober with the reality of your absence.

While you're out telling yourself that its not that serious to you, my stern look towards us is never hidden.

While you're out filming, taking pictures, or even listening to music; I'm out shooting, capturing, and listening to familiar pains.

While you're doing your thing like its easy, its hard out here for me.

While you're used to it being easy to let things go, I hold onto what I still can't get over.

My depth of emotions runs so deep that my tear ducts dont need a cue to fill up.

You can only be affected by those who have touched you in ways you never experienced.

That's why its so hard to be okay with it all.

Imagine.
the moment where you come face to face
with someone who will control how you feel
from now on.

You just know.
You know that this person will affect you
no matter how heavy your fists
will try to fight back.

Fight the fact that you want to see what it feels like.
That you can try to lie to yourself
and not believe it for a second.

Imagine.
Slowly punching the denial with one hand
trying to reach for a heart with the other

How can a being cause you to fight with yourself
about what is right and wrong
knowing how you truly feel

The feeling started at a slow and ripping rate
it grew and grew with the denial you threw
it had no chance against the rawness of this being's affect on you

You let it grow faster the more you dodged it
the more you ran the more it played Michael Myers
and appeared right behind you
when you thought the coast was clear

Imagine.
imagine no longer dodging

You keep still this time and let it hit you back
with the most powerful hit of intense friction

It creeps into your body
flows through your veins
chills your core

theres no such thing as butterflies
you hold falcons in your stomach

imagine.
accepting the thing that scared you the most

and it turned out
this intenseness only affected you

that this feeling caused you to invest
and the reciprocation was empty handed

that the fists you fought to share this feeling
were completely empty

there was no beating heart that you could grasp
and yours was no longer beating in your chest

If I had a dime for every time I looked at you and thought to myself,
"Wow, she's just the most beautiful person I've seen", I'd be able to buy 10 houses by now.

It's not just your beauty, it's your duty.

It's how you handle what needs to be done.

It's the drop of your wrist when you walk around talking to yourself about what to do next.

It's about how your  eyes twinkle when you wear your heart on your sleeve and never regret it.

It's the little things.

It's also the little things that brought you to tears.

That brought you to regret the years, we spent.

Because I wasn't making it as evident

That you are important.

Those little things can add up to just as much as all the dimes that would buy me 10 houses by now.

Those little things can lead to the greatest and the most saddest moments.

For every little thing that makes you smile, I make note.

I make sure I try my hardest to retain the memory before it runs out in my brain.

But I could do way better to do even the littlest things that make the biggest impacts that brightens up your face.

Those little things I want to be intentional with.

No matter how many houses I can buy, no matter how many times I look at you and think to myself, "Wow, she's just the most beautiful person I've seen".

It will never amount the little things that make a big impact.

I will always cherish the lessons in learning what little things can go so far as to make you frown or pout.

I'll make sure its the little things that you smile about.

I can't control every little thing that goes sour

I have set intentions on being as fragile as your favorite flower.

Because it's the little petals that make the flower bloom as beautiful as you so I can buy as many houses as I'd like.