I hide from my reflection
While you clearly see through me
I look for mirrors to find myself
Yet somehow when I'm near, they disappear
I'm stuck in this constant chase for identity
I have to run, or I will sink in place if I stand still
I think friends, girlfriends will help,
A new perspective, one, two, multiple, perhaps,
In the end I'm looking for my happiness, this asymptote,
That zenith that everyone seems to feel,
That elusive peace, one day it will be mine
It's a wonder why you stick by my side
What's in it for you? Potential? A future?
Have you realized it yet, what you're doing?
You seem so self aware, that I forget you're human too
I think on some level you're a computer program,
Carefully compiled lines of code,
When you are all over the place with emotion,
I see who you truly are
I see someone I relate to, someone like me, whom I understand
I see someone I can love even more
Why don't you leave, if you're not getting what you want?
You say I'm not going anywhere because I'm scared...
Maybe I just don't want to..
But dare I ask, sweetheart,
Aren't you on some level, settling, too?

Please forgive me
I don't know what's happening
It's too loud in my head,
I can't see beyond this feeling
Please forgive me,
I'm trying to find aid
Sometimes it works well,
It's worth what I've paid
But sometimes it just fails
Nothing I try works
I'm yelling like a monster
I've never felt this berserk
Please forgive me
I realize what I've done,
Only after the fog passes
After the fears have won.
Please forgive me,
I hope there is medication
Meditation's an option, I hear,
God, I need a vacation
From all of this noise,
My head feels so tight
I can't hear my voice,
Or my thoughts, or what feels right!
Please forgive me,
This is beyond my control
I didn't ask for any of this,
I just want to feel whole
Please forgive me
I wish you could relate
I wouldn't wish this upon you
I dare to wish for a better fate
Please forgive me,
This isn't an excuse
I will gladly run away,
I will gladly be a recluse.
Please forgive me,
I'd change my brain if I could
Why was I made this way?
Why can't I work like I should?

Does anything matter, if it's not displayed out there?
Does it really, truly exist, if it is not shared?
Is it honestly worth doing, if no one else knows,
Invisible yet impactful, like the wind blows?
Musing at the crack of dawn, a sleepy Saturday
When one can't see, how do they find a way?

I feel like I'm seeing myself from above
Wondering, 'Why aren't you someone I can love'?
Imperfect, awkward, boring in some way,
Active at times, lazy the next day,
Why can't I be what I'm supposed to be,
Why is it a chore to try to be happy?
Some find joy quickly, to others it's elusive,
Maybe it's something that's exclusive
Was that in a memo that somehow got lost?
While we now pay the price, alas, what a cost!
I wish I knew where the answer would lie,
I hope I figure this out, before I die.

I'd like to create words with sunshine,
But it seems like they're filled with rain,
Storms, lashing across a piece of paper,
Lightning on a screen, shocking a reader
Thundering in emotion, their sounds unheard,
I'd wish for them to be simple and clear,
Concise, apt, optimistic, perhaps even brave,
All I can come up with are anxious refrains,
Maybe something's truly wrong with my brain?
Truth be told, I would rather not lie,
When there are things I don't know how to say,
When I struggle where others seem to thrive,
Writing helps me be glad to be alive.
If these are the words that leave me today,
I'll accept them, for I am glad they exist,
When the world leaves me broken, feeling small,
I'd rather have some words, than none at all.

I see you in the mirror, I don't know who you are
I try to leave, but you're with me everywhere I go
You try to undo everything I do well,
I hate you holding me back, I can't go with the flow,
I don't know where you came from, if I made you that way
You're all that I think I'm not, yet you show up somehow
How did I not sense you forming before my eyes,
I don't think I've ever looked clearly before now,
I wish you wouldn't exist, so I could just be me,
To live for a while without you dragging me down,
I'd carve up a reflection, so I like what I see,
I'd learn to swim properly, so I would never drown.
I know that's something the universe won't allow,
I've got to learn to live with you by my side,
I hope I grow to accept you no matter what,
I hope I grow to love who you are, inside.

There are so many times I'd like to be brave
Times I should fight, but instead, I cave
There are so many things that I should know,
Truths that I'm told would make me grow,
There are lives I wish I'd lived to learn everything,
Maybe then I'd see the true nature of being.
It doesn't make sense why I am this way
I can't face the mirror, I'd rather look away
It's strange, being defeated by one's own mind,
Assaulted by thoughts too cruel to be kind,
It's so much easier to hide from it all,
To write from the shadows, not standing tall,
With a voice that's never meant to be heard,
To express reality without saying a word,
Imposing boundaries when they shouldn't exist,
Acting like it's okay, but to quietly resist.
Doing everything one can, just to save face,
Caught between a rock and a hard place.

I'd hide my words away if I could,
In a secret lair no one will ever find,
With shame leading the writers' crusade,
And envy at the helm behind acting kind.
It doesn't make sense to feel this way
Blamed for thoughts you cannot control,
Emotion must have its voice stolen away
If left free, it will take its toll
Exposed, one watches, stuck, paralyzed
As it reigns hell on all who bear witness
In the battlefield between wrong and right,

It's designed for another kind of person,
Perhaps one much stronger than us all,
Who can do everything with finesse and poise,
Who bears their burdens with grace, with no noise.

In the end,

Maybe I don't want to break the glass,
Maybe I just want to prove to the world,
That I was not made to be a waste of space,
That I could reach the ceiling in the first place.

Maybe the way I think is wrong,
Maybe I'm an affront to nature,
Maybe my mind wasn't meant to be,
Maybe I'm an impossible creature.

Yet

Does this make me any less valid?
Does this make me unworthy?
Maybe I don't ever make sense..
Nevertheless, it would be nice.. to be heard.

Where do you find courage in the land of fear,
Is it a treasure, hidden at the end of a rainbow,
That appears when the sun rises in the west,
Where the rain falls upward, instead of below?
I'm told to climb mountains that are molehills,
Yet I'm not told which ones are deceptive,
I'm told to look for mines when the land is clear,
I fail, but I'm trying to be perceptive.
I meet people whom I can't help but trust,
They lead me through valleys and rivers of glass,
When the time comes that I need to reflect,
Their illusions shatter, and I fight to pass.
If there's a day that I learn to be brave,
When I'm not defeated by my heart and mind,
If I get a chance to help someone else
I hope I don't ever forget to be kind.

It's easier to be afraid
To hide with your head in the sand,
It's easier to walk away,
Than to stay when things are unplanned
It's easier to be alone,
Than to put yourself out there,
It's easier to be angry,
Than to accept that life's unfair.
It's easier to sit in sadness,
Than to give happiness a chance,
It's easier to make judgements,
Than to look beyond a first glance.
I know all of this in my head
I wish I could apply them well,
I'll fail, I'll try and try again
Until the day I excel.
What is living but good practice,
To learn to get up when you're down,
Believe that this won't last forever,
That good will always come around.

I'd **** myself if it meant it spared you all the pain,
I'd willingly go crazy if it meant that you would stay sane
I wish I didn't have to make an impossible choice,
I'm trying to handle it with some grace and poise,
I hate that I see your face devoid of a smile,
I know it will remain like this for a while.
I hate that I'm making your dreams disappear,
I hate that I can't predict the future; it's so unclear.
The world refuses to help in any way,
I'm forced to hurt you, to ruin your every day.
If I could ask the universe for just one boon,
It would be for time to fly, so I can be with you, soon.

Silence fills the room
So I am never alone
Even if it's quiet.

I either say too little or too much
I'm unbreakable, or too delicate to touch
Flirting with extremes, mine is a plastic soul
Every minute that I fail takes its toll
Should I shut up, should I continue to talk,
Should I be vulnerable, should I be a rock?
Should I stop writing, or should I not care,
Am I being too honest for weak minds to bear?
No matter what, it's never enough
I guess I'm not made of the right stuff
What's the point of even attempting to hide
When I see they will never be satisfied?
It doesn't seem right, this world, why do I please?
What ****** deities am I trying to appease?
So I'll gladly wear my heart upon my sleeve
Knowing I will not be granted a reprieve.

"Thanks!", I tell the rope that promises to hold me, tight,
Unbeknownst, being strangled, that I won't survive the night.

There are so many times I want to be brave
When I know my life is my own to save,
Yet my courage fails me again and again
I can't quite seem to deal with my pain
I wonder if it's because I was made wrong,
That I have to be weak, while others are strong,
Maybe I've been given worth that I don't deserve
It's why it's so easy to lose my nerve
Is there a way I could just believe
That it'll be okay, that I won't be deceived,
That my actions will determine my future,
That I can go against my brittle nature,
That there'll be strength in myself I can find,
To move ahead, to leave the past behind?

Maybe we're all puppets that dance by a thread,
Displaying emotions like delight and dread,
Telling stories as Destiny demands,
With the whims of fate being our commands.
What if we found free will, and learned to feel,
Discovering new paths, knowing what's real?
There's a whole world out there to explore
Life is comfortable, but could it be more?
I don't remember how I ended up here
The others are content, yet I wish in fear
Everyone's ten moves ahead of me,
I'm trying to catch up, it's a mystery
Is it worth the risk to escape alone?
This doesn't seem right, it's all I've ever known.
So I hold on, helpless and afraid
I dare not be more than what I've been made
Dreaming of a future where we're not playthings,
To be alive, unattached to these strings.

If nothing really matters, I understand
My efforts go wrong in ways I hadn't planned
Maybe it isn't worth trying to swim higher
If I'm a loaded gun made to misfire
So I may as well learn to be content,
I'll make my home here, at rock bottom
I'll find a way to accept my descent,
To live with this wreck of what I've become.

Don't get comfortable
Because when you do,
Life makes you lose balance,
So you fall, down, down, down
With no floor approaching
Into the darkness, numb, screaming
"When will this end?"
Keep looking out for it
You never know
When you'll be next.

When I hold the knife that causes my pain
I don't think I have a right to complain
Struggling to get myself out of the bed
I sometimes wish it was a grave instead
What am I made of, if the simplest thing eludes me
I'm drowning, drowning, in my insecurity
If all I can do is write the hours away
What's the point, waiting to see the next day
If it's all going to be the same, again
Listless, choking numbness consuming my brain
It doesn't make sense, I try but end up here
Am I not destined to live away from fear?
This life, it hurts, I don't know what to do
'Get help', I'm told. How, I haven't a clue.

Terrified of my own instincts
I lie awake, staring at the night
Frozen, unsure, whether to start or stop
To wake or to succumb, to disappear
In this coffin, I lie, within my grave
But I hold the shovel
Can I dig myself out?
Or do I shut myself in?

I wish I could tear off every piece of me
Change my form fundamentally, from within
I wish I could build myself, careful, slowly,
Choosing the bones, joining muscles, sinew, skin
Maybe then I'll feel strong, like I'm capable of more
Maybe I'll feel okay about my reflection
Perhaps I'll hope, in ways I didn't, before
Perhaps I'll have control of life's direction.

Maybe we're all beggars in ways we don't understand
Unconscious, asking, trying not to demand
Believing we've been dealt an unlucky hand
Playing in ways that go wrong, the moves unplanned
Maybe we'll make it right, with luck on our side
Trying not to break, at least we'll have tried
If it has to end someday, let's enjoy the ride
If life is pain, at least death can be dignified.

"What plans do you have? Doing anything fun?"
How do I say that I plan to have none?
If a filled calendar means I'm living right
I'd gladly live wrong, with peaceful days and nights
"Seize each moment, you're running out of time!"
I'd rather enjoy what's left of my prime
Quiet, indoors, away from loud nonsense
Feeling alive in the sound of silence.

What if I'm shaped like a square
When the world is made of circles?
Should I smooth my sharp corners,
Or should I just add more edges?
Where do I learn to conform,
To fit in spaces that aren't for me?
Should I change to fit the norm,
Or create another, entirely?
How do I choose parts of myself
To keep, to let go, to borrow?
Can I retain my identity,
While evolving past tomorrow?

Keep it together.
Don't lose control.
Don't let go.
Calm down!
Don't lose it.
Hold. It. In.
Don't worry!
You're so blessed!
How can you worry?
What's there to worry about?
Breathe.
Deep breaths.
It's not working!
Is it working?
Don't panic!
It's just anxiety.
It's just stress.
It'll go away.
I can't do this anymore
Don't lose steam.
Relax.
What do you mean, "you can't relax"?
It's all in your head.
It's just self-pity.
It could be worse!
You're so entitled.
Don't let anyone know about this!
Don't make a sound.
I think I'm going crazy.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
If you act normal,
Maybe you'll start to feel normal?

Is it called drowning
If it happens in a pool
I chose to swim in?

Maybe there's no hope, too much time has passed
Whatever I started, never did last
Oh how I wished, I wished it would endure
Perhaps I did it with a heart impure
And now I look at the blank road ahead
Wanting to exist somewhere else instead
To retrace paths and restart, unseen
To come back feeling proud, with my conscience clean
But the laws of physics don't work that way
So if I have to live another day
I'll start again with no expectation
Maybe enjoy the process of creation,
Cast away the ropes that left my hands tied,
Be less consumed by the demons inside.
Let me forgive my mistakes, in the mind
Let me find the strength to leave them behind.

If I could reach inside myself
And remove all scars of the past
If I could erase every mistake
I wonder how long I would last
Before I begin to fade, dying away,
Withering into dust, no longer alive
Would it be better than who I am now?
If life is pain, am I meant to survive?

I'm not in the Olympics, or the WWE
Yet I fight my demons with each breath, daily
Sometimes I lose, I'm knocked out, I'm outdone
Sometimes I win, I can pretend life is fun
I wonder if I can ever tap out and leave,
If there's so much more that I can hope to achieve
Is it courage I'm seeking, or how to let go?
If there's an end to this, I guess I'll finally know.

Anxious all the time that this world isn't for me
Fearing failure with every opportunity
Racing heart, trying to breathe, to think, searching for air,
Agony, so many emotions, too aware
Intrusive thoughts, nothing makes sense, loud, amplified
Dying before death arrives, I'm a coward inside.

I have a set of bespoke masks
For each and every person I know
Depending on what is asked
They'll see what I'm willing to show
If, one day, I lose my disguise
The world wouldn't handle it well
So I keep it safe, within my reach
Tailored to visions I need to sell.
Why do we put up these charades?
Forlorn souls, trying to find our place
If we can't be ourselves, we pretend
To be who we're not, just to save face.
It doesn't, it doesn't have to be this way
If I could change the world, I'd decree
That the veils come off, so people learn
To be true, themselves, finally free.

I don't know you, but you're a part of me
With every beat, every lyric, every note, every key
And now that you're gone, I feel so lost, so empty
As though I'll spend life searching for you
Until we meet, perhaps in the afterlife
To ask you, why did you leave like this?
Why leave the earth to shine bright in the sky,
To be a revered, inspiring, light, lasting only a moment?
Help guide us home, lead us to a better place
Give us a sign, anything, to know that you're well
Remind us you're there, and you'll never be forgotten
I've never seen you live, how I wish I did
Perhaps I should have tried harder
Perhaps I should have listened more
Had I known you'd be gone now...
I would've done things differently.

The whole world's playing a game of poker
And I'm dealt a strange, confusing hand
I don't want to be mediocre,
I make rash moves, which were never planned
Inevitable, I fail each test,
To start over, again and again
So I'll keep my cards close to my chest
Hoping that this time, it won't be in vain.

I can't look at the sky anymore
It reminds me that I've failed to explore
What it means to reach so far up high
No matter how much, how hard I try
I'll never design the wings of a plane
Or find its material stress and strain
I'll never make a rocket land or rise
Mapping out exactly how it flies.
I'm told I overthink, that it's "just dreams"
"They're just delayed, it's not what it seems"
I've tried to believe, but it hurts inside
I guess they're not late, they've been denied.
No one knows what's really going on
But I'll apply and work till my strength is gone.
Will there be an answer? I don't know
I wish time would speed up, it's just so slow.

In the beginning, they say there was light
That changed through the days to become the night
Blessing the world with what it means to see
To know miracles, wonder and ecstasy.
No one knows if the darkness fled to hide
Ashamed of everything it held inside
Cowering in an unearthly prison
A lifelong sentence as light had risen
Convinced that this is safe, that this is fine
Convinced that dark never had the right to shine.
They say it quietly withered into dust
Following instructions, trying to adjust,
Discovering freedom like never before,
To know what it is to be alive, to explore
Finding expression in pain through art
Finding reflection in matters of the heart.
Learning to survive, running from the light
Claiming the throne as ruler of the night.

I know what it's like to have a monster in my head
That wants to be productive, but can't get out of bed.
I know what it's like to suffocate without masks
To be paralysed with panic over simple tasks.
I know what it's like to have doubt buried deep inside,
That questions each tear that falls before it has dried
I know what it's like to wish to silence my brain
To wonder if overthinking would make me insane
I know what it's like to detest every part of me,
To hide it from people so they don't think I'm crazy.
I know what it's like to scream with pain, aching to die
With a heart that lives on, whispering, "One more try".

I'm trying to find perfect words to say
I'm trying to find perfect words to write
Anything in my power to get you to stay
Anything to have you near, in my sight
I treasure the words you return to me
I wrap them, lovingly, and keep them close
Messages of all kinds in memory
Still fresh, like the beauty of a wilted rose.
I could never tell you how much I feel
This, my only secret, tender and true
You're a poem immortal, so brilliant, unreal
And I'll be right here, watching, in awe of you.

I'm a strange mixture of yin and yang
With light struggling to be seen, to be heard
Pleading, in anguish, to the darkness
"Don't put me out, let me say a word!
Let's make a deal with terms for us both
I want to live, let me heal, to be free
I'll respect your space, I'll leave you alone
Don't let us become what we used to be".

What if the Titanic
Couldn't cope with expectations
And instead of dodging the iceberg,
Saw an opportunity to be free?

I once replaced every part of me
With robust designs that shined from within
Strong, efficient, I could run forever,
I had everything I needed, built-in.

I had nothing to be changed or improved,
I was a perpetual motion machine
With no ties to an inferior past
Cast away from memory, as though unseen.

Yet sometimes, in the shadow of the day,
When I feel a distant ache long denied,
Forgotten wounds of what used to be,
I wonder who I really am, inside.

I remember, countless times I asked God
"Fix me, get this madness out of my head
Help me think right, push me to be strong"
What I heard back was silence instead
So now I pray for all in this world
For peace, light, a clear path for every life
For hope in unimaginable darkness
That every soul finds what I can't, in strife.

Who would love a person
Held hostage by demons
That demand a ransom so steep-
Every breath, every thought, every step?
Who could love someone like that
Knowing they will be dragged down?
Would they choose love over a life?
Choosing ******* over freedom?

I'd hide myself beneath a thousand walls
I'd suffocate, to satisfy the audience
With dying breath, through countless curtain calls
But this is life, it has to be, this penance
Paid for past sins, cancelled shows from long ago
I wear them like armour, the scars deep inside
I fear the wounds to come, the unforeseen blow
Unravelled secrets, truths no longer denied
It doesn't matter, the blood on the floor,
It doesn't matter that I've nothing to say,
For a second on stage, I'm the one they adore,
A moment of heaven in the hell of each day.
If I could become something else, forever
Unblemished, unfeeling, without any flaws
The perfect artiste in every endeavour
Perhaps I'll finally deserve the applause.

I'm afraid each time I open the door
The dead eyes staring at me, through my skin
Sneering, laughing, taunting, in my head
They won't ever leave, they lie within
I close the door, trying to escape
Stepping slowly, then quickly, to get away
Running, exhausted, even when I'm lost
Every moment filled with unease, dismay.
(And I try, I try, to reach out, to explain
But it's hard to understand invisible pain.)
Everywhere I go, the demons follow
I was a fool to think I'd outrun them all
Who am I, if I'm nothing without them?
When the end comes, will they stay when I fall?

i wish i understood the songs of requited love
more frequently
than i wept to the songs of heartbreak

If I could let everyone know
All the death I feel inside
Revealing when I feel low
I don't know if they'd be surprised
Maybe they saw, and did not ask
Maybe they knew, and kept away
I don't know which I would prefer...
I'd like a 'How are you today?'

Little match girl
Standing on a sidewalk
Seeing a world move on
You know you will be gone
Will anyone remember
Your words forged by pain,
Aching to be read,
Your tunes searching for hope,
Pleading to be heard,
Your voice, weak, feeble,
But unlike any other?
There wasn't time
To get through fear
To show them who you are
Alas, you lie, awake
Buried in books
Waiting for your last breath
Listening to this elegy
Was life worth it?
Are you proud
Of who you have become?
Could you have done better
If you had more time?

Strangled to death
By a noose of intricate lies
That used to keep me alive.