I'll be where I belong someday.
Purple sky, red and green lights,
And the California sun rising up when I
Need the light the most.
I go through another falling out every **** year.
No primary and no old people I can go to.
Too many mutual idiots who adopt the ones I love and kick me out of the picture.
I'll take the photo
But I'm not the one who deletes it.
My heart and brain are my memory card filled with all the drama-less days of these **** cliques.
I can only make myself move on but
I cannot make you never exist again.
I get we move on but I don't know why I'm picked last.
It's either new people or other's who pretend they know and accept the real me.
It's just never how it used to be.
That's why I'm going to be in California getting away
From New Englanders who know me now.
Just let me grow first.
I suggest
You do
The same.

Dreams don't
But
Predictions
Do.

Just think of me as part of the past,
part of the problem,
part of the reason
to step up for
Yourself.
If you're one of the guys,
think of how lucky you are
you're not walking down church
steps with the handle of my coffin
in your right or left hand.
If you're one of the girls,
think of how lucky you are
to be thinner than me with
less problems.
I have 99,
you won't be one anymore.
I'll deal with it by getting iced
coffee alone and focusing on
reality only.
I never understood fantasy,
and you'll never learn how to
understand
me.

I can't trust you anymore.
If I told you I was sorry,
you would respect my will.
If I told you I was traumatized,
I am a survivor of abuse, and I
have a troubled past,
you would say it was all
my fault.
You walk away and lift your
hands in the air and say,
"just saying".
I hear the dominance loud and clear,
but when you hear the kindness from me
as simple and sweet as can be,
I demand,
you
Learn and
stop
knowing
everything,
You know you really don't,
why be two faced?

So there you were.
I had to get away from the kids who sat near me.
I asked to leave and they stared with ***** eyes.
I walked to the guidance office and came out holding back tears.
I limped down the hall,
And there you were.
We lied that the principle had to see me
And you
Took care
Of me.
That was so long ago.
We then fought over another someone who was a mutual friend.
She experienced worse than what I had way back.
And you choose her.
Sometimes things end on their own.
I don't fear independence I fear
This happens to everyone I
Befriend.

I knew there was jeopardy,
in our hearts and our minds.
Blood flowing amongst your lungs,
and to many breaths in mine.
Our eyes saw one another
as the same but different
color.
The virtue of patience grew mutually,
I just sat and thought of the day
you would be daddy and I would be
mother.
Long distance is anything but easy,
you never know how you really
are
until that infection hits you
hard in the
gut.
You knew you had to go,
you questioned if staying was worth it,
if I was the one thing keeping you alive,
the truth made you realize
I wasn’t.
Since we broke up and you hung up
first,
I have carried on with
blood, sweat, and tears,
and alcoholic thirst.
Every new man who approaches me
makes me crave your love once more.
I just pretend I was your one and only
and heaven was the last open door.
I find comfort in imagining our
break up call like this:
I heard your voice last as
they turned off the machines
and my heart shattered with
broken glass,
of picture frames of my visions
of you, me,
and our two sons and
daughter.
I will never find another man like you,
you were perfect
you just couldn’t believe it too.
But I know you are alive and
breathing,
if I see you again,
please tell me
I was the one
who taught you to
love yourself
you were such a gift
in my life,
I panic when I ask if I
was a gift in
yours.
I reminisce you as if you died
peacefully  in bed with dialysis machines and wires
hooked to your heart.
I was the last one who loved you,
who you held and protected in your
chest.
Those weren’t the only wires
that had to carry you through
as I was with you at the time.
So rest in peace,
You are one I will never forget.
You live in the sky with angels,
I continue my life with
regret.
I miss you,
teddy bear.
You were on dialysis,
so you being gone forever
is only
fair.

The image of food,
The desire for money.
I want to
Put on my fancy dress
With my favorite baseball cap.

I hurt nobody,
I mind my own business.
Deciding graciously
On what shoes
Are proper for where I'm walking.

I walk my neighborhood
With my dog by my side.
Taking care of a creature
Who has a tough life.

I run in the rain,
Freedom by the puddles
Left by the tracks
Behind me.
The few friends I have
And the man I love,
Understand oh so perfect.

I do, unique.
I do, peculiar.
I eat, what looks good.
I spend, carefully.
I wear, like me but a fun
Style.

I'm different.
So what?
I admire you, so what's so bad about me?
I do what I want.
I do what I need.
I do for others,
But first,
For me.

I dreamed last night I was fighting you
again.
I called you a **** and I said I hated you.
While I said those words you had a smile on
your face.
So did everyone in the locker room.
I woke up and realized that three years today I say
better words and still nobody listens.
I was a joke then and I am today.
One day I’ll be listened to.
Don’t feel threatened if I’m right,
and never feel powerful when I’m wrong.
My syndrome is a gift and a curse and sometimes
fools me with my choice of words and actions.
If the dream had been real and if I had said it to you,
You would never get an apology.
You needed that name calling.
You never received it,
but you were no better
than anyone or
anything or
me.

I feel so tired but I cannot be still and rest.
I want to be alone, then be with friends, and
when I am with friends, I want to be left
alone.
I am aspie, I am bipolar, I am crazy, I am calm.
I have rage inside that is translated with humor,
I am very smart with gifted observations
not even the brilliant
can find.
This phase of anxiety intriguing my thoughts that
I will never make it on my own,
and my fears that my friends are buying plane tickets
and booking cruises without my knowledge
have unpacked their bags and are having foot massages
in my mind.
It is not true,
it is temporary,
it is not all about me,
I want my circle to be all about
happiness and trust,
compassion and gratitude,
pictures of natural poses
no ******* in the cheekbones nor do we
put on any light filters of black and white or
neon orange and green.
I feel so tired but I do fall asleep to practice
doing what I need to do for me.
I will spend equal time alone and out together,
I am strong, I have power, I am kind, I am titled as a
friend, sister, daughter, employee, ex-girlfriend, client,
intern, volunteer, but most of all,
human.
No human was ever and is ever made to be perfect.
It is normal to be depressed and reach out in need.
Don’t take your life,
just take your time,
and if you must play the game by your own rules,
do it until you function like the newest machine, iphone,
or crazy new invention that trends.
New rules build new trends and thoughts in our minds.
Shall we stay in a learning world and learn?
Sounds like a good plan.
We are enrolled for the same
purpose.

I don’t want to hurt you,
but I have no choice.
You have a better life,
and a hearable voice.
You got it,
and I lost so much more.
I will speak my hostility once,
and pray our intimacy will be
the way it was
before.
It doesn’t work that way
yes I know.
Your being happy is just
screaming to me you have
pride and ego.
I’ll never have the plans and excitement
so I can never dare.
I hope for misery to happen to you someday
and that will get you to put it down
look at me,
and say you
care.
I know you do but you have more
on your mind than I do in
my own.
Let me ask you this,
when is the last time
you were left
grieving and alone?
You’ll find me at
home,
I will never be well
known.

I know what I did was wrong
I would always
Be there

I just wanted to belong
I know you
Don't even
Care

I listen and I learn,
I ramble and I pant,
I get up and I leave,
because they said I can’t.
No filter photo of me,
holding a white mug with tea,
featured on Instagram with likes,
and no others around me riding our
bikes.
I go at it alone,
I hang by myself.
I love this company,
but deep down,
I want someone
else.
Opinions do matter,
actions speak louder than
words.
When the tree turns red and orange leaves,
the season has changed, time has
turned.
I listen and I learn,
to my own conscious.
It tells me not to beg,
let the others just
have it.
The photograph will be taken
with me in it someday.
There is a reason I get excluded,
let the truth come what may.
There is the right person,
somewhere somehow.
If this poem is going on too long,
I’ll stop here.
See,
I showed you
how.
Have your space,
and I need some too
right now.

Irresponsible
can sometimes be just
a label.
The way you look at me cannot be fair
in any way.
Why can't we just let go of when we mess up, get ******* over,
and fail?
Learning so much from every mistake making
new beginnings every new try.
Not every present moment will grasp every vision.
See everything in perfect form, make room for
a couple mistakes.
Time goes by,
slowly but not so sure.
Hard to see the clock tick and
take away everything that is right,
and the same reflection in the mirror.
Be firm but nice to yourself.
Look at you and if not happy,
find a way to improve.
Set goals and expectations at the right level.
Forget wowing the crowd and popularity.
The others you see who have more beauty and courage
are not expecting the same from you.
We only expect respect, honesty, to try, discipline, kindness, and
considerate approches.
The world takes its bad turns and we take time to be in a bad phase.
Time will pass,
you won't be as grown up.
Stay strong.
If anyone comments and reminds you of what they expect,
forget perfection.
Say, "half empty half full."
And expect what is needed.

To have and to hold.
Hands turning pale and letting go.
Every possibility
that has been vanished.
Every mind that changes
may or may not feel regret.
Being myself and being me
never was or has been a chore.
Men who disapprove
are no wusses but boys.
Women who gossip about me are no
******* but girls.
I can't always fight being insecure
as it holds me like a little baby.
I find my place,
I stand like a grown up with
my eyes on the prize.
The prize isn't romance.
I wait on no prince I let the time happen.
The prize is to be loved for who I am
by the right people.
And that is all I look for.

It's not my fault,
what I have that I deal with,
It's not my fault,
that I can't do anything right.
It's not my fault,
they give me a hard time.
But it will only be my own fault
when I shrink my temper.
I take the blame after every outburst.
What can I say?
Nobody wants anger
and I make it worse.
For everyone
and then me.

Why don’t we translate,
everything
the media says to,
“this is what he will want
to see on you.”
Why don’t we take the
magazines with tales of,
“how I lost weight,
so easy!”
And shred them to
bits.
Why don’t we ask people on the street
without a camera crew,
and hear what they have to say.
If I were asked on the street
while looking the way I do today,
I would tell them,
“We should not be turning our
look into a uniform just because
someone managed to make it
to their goal weight.”
A goal is something personal and
can be for others.
Lets make sure we are not losing
weight for others.
Truthfully,
transparent bones and
loose clothing are not
want anyone wants to see.
We want to see people on the streets
holding doors for the disadvantaged,
giving pennies to homeless people
holding cups,
smiling at children how we never know
they are so fascinated that we are grown up.
To me,
that turns heads more than skinny people
who are doing it for the magazine.
Please,
be kind to yourself and don’t ever let
the magazine do the talking.
See the image in your head,
keep it there,
and let that be your guide.
Not to impress by being thin,
but to own the way you live and look.
You’re beautiful,
and know it.

Rest,
hush,
go find you.
Loneliness is nothing to feel
ashamed of.
You are the first
who must give yourself
love.
Confidence is key,
friendliness is
unlocked.
You'll find yourself leaving a conversation feeling
so proud.
You were one who talked!
It may look easy to them,
but we're all different.
Being alone may feel awkward,
but I think it's confident.
Give yourself time,
and later you'll find,
your difference,
is a gift to the world.
Your circle will come around
and your social life will be founded
and twirled.

I ended up getting a life
but I left some space
for you.
I believe in new beginnings
but also in
follow through.

They will never
Say to you what they say to me,
Treat you the way they treat me,
Look at you
The way they look at me,
Feel like that
The way they feel around me.

Nervous, and scared is how they feel.
Treat me differently,
To you, their real.
Always giving your skills a try.
I'm happy for you
But that could be a lie.

You will never
***** it up like I do.
Embarass yourself,
See why they trust you.
Lose your temper,
It's never out of the blue.

I was given the gene
To give my anger a call.
Got so bad
I now lose it all.
Make you cry
At my vulgarity.
Never wanted to teach you that
Profanity.

They are never
Hesitant with you like with me.
Talking to you like a minor
Like with me.
Watching you impress
As I get frustrated
And cause everyone stress.

We two siblings
Nothing alike, not the same.
I play the role,
You play the game.
Sorry for my
Going insane.

Comparing us to the bible story,
You're Abel and I'm Kane.
My anger is no fuzzy sweater.
This is why you are better.
Forever they will see your presence
And feel relaxed.
They will see my presence,
And you will see my tracks.

Will be the point where I am
Out of your life and I am
Gone.
It will be forever
Won't be long.
Let's just try to get along.
Prove
That in your life
I belong.

Only way I forgive
is to step away.
Stand in the moonlight
and move to the darkened side of town.
They will never find me,
come to know
how they believe they own me.
I could never find
a place to stand
within the space or love.
Loneliness is a lesson
to teach us to take ourselves out
and find some ourselves.
I walked alone for months
on the streets of falling out.
Where then I met people alone
in the middle of the street.
I crossed at the crosswalk.
And here we met.
This is no comparison
but a story of staying out of
the streets of falling out.
Yes leaving you was hard.
The tears and pale skin showed.
Now we talk
but have moved on to others more like us.
We don't need to feel shame,
just know we were never meant to be.
They were not like the pedestrians who God put at the same sign.
One said Falling Out St.
the other said Forward Avenue.
Split and broken up,
but happy with sigh.
I walk with the ones I trust with a place for me to stand between
on Forward Ave.
This time my friends are not numbers.
We are family.
And we reside on weekends
in our little place
that holds us together.
Take a left out of
Falling Out St.
Turn right onto
Forward Ave.
And you will find
my family and I
deep
and meant
to be.

I rush to sit down when I hear your call.
I see it is you and I know what I have to do.
I press the green button.
God knows what you are about to say to me.
I want to say I don’t care
But I am obligated to hear everything since you
Have chosen me to be your Doctor.
I am no such thing and never will nor
Want to be.
I have spent hours on the phone with you
Every single day even when I never had time to.
I have heard countless terrible stories and
Listened carefully
Even
If I didn’t
Want to.
I understand what you are going through
But know I am going through something too.
Soon we will find the opening to the tunnel
We walk through everyday.
Just act like I am there.
Know it will be ok.
I can assure you but cannot
Take every punch for you.
I can listen but I cannot
Sacrifice every minute of my life for you.
I can call you friend
But you cannot call me Doctor.
It is never too late to start again
But I cannot do half of it
for you.

Nothing can last forever,
Not even the greatest improvement
achieved and done whatsoever.
Great bodies and reputations are a phase and
happiness is for a day,
looking at others who have
what I lost
is the stir of
the fray.

Waking up in your room
for the last time.
Your family prepares you breakfast
in your home kitchen.
Moving in sounds scary.
It is,
but as the days go on you will see
College has it's good and hard times.
The people you meet
Will either mend your life
or break your heart.
This is a place where
we explain our pasts,
we find our love,
and crying is always allowed.
The drama will occur,
And we learn to let go.
We learn capabilities within us
that were never trusted of us in
High school.
Those days are done, and here is the new beginning.
So take a deep breath,
and give many chances.
To the school, the people,
And you.

Don't ever know the tide,
just by looking.
Do I dare go aboard?
Can I keep this friendship sailing?
By the comfort of my ocean,
near the dock at my home.
The ocean remains,
so theres always new sailors to
bond with.
So I'll get to know you
since when I'm alone on my sunfish
I see you on your opti.
Before you get on my ship
I'll bond with you
like we sailors do
and together we sail away
as friends.

Part of it was security higher than a mountain,
some of it was trust larger than a desert.
It was natural no matter how scary to see,
and vulnerable no matter how much you laughed
and I sat humiliated.
I said I could do it, it took a crowd to say I couldn’t
after I fell and broke something.
Doesn’t matter what can and can’t be fixed.
It is over,
but I trusted whoever was there
when I made the greatest mistakes
ever.

Today the ocean lost its blue texture.
It appears today gray and
shimmering.
For the sky itself is in control
and the sun can only work so hard to push its way through
the stubborn clouds
and to be seen and needed.
Though rarely wanted.
Desire of a lonely human
to stand still in the moving current
and get covered and possessed by
Poseidon's wave.
Than a cloud to pour out buckets of rain
for display of pure beauty
to be destroyed.
Nature acts up
as a mother who slaps her child.
She, like the sun, cannot push any longer.
Or the young man overpowered with
want, lust, and brutal obsession,
to control the innocent girl he loves.
Ruining a beautiful relationship
like the clouds overbearing the natural beauty.
The child walking by another one
alike at the park
holding in one hand a brown paper bag
scrunched at the top
filled with chocolates and a lollipop.
Notices the alike child crying.
The child crying
looks up
and out of nowhere sees that he is handed
a big, round, colorful lollipop.
That itself replicates the
action of the wave.
Poseidon taught us through the creatures in his sea
to be kind and be brave and strong.
Calls Apollo in the lonely sky
to assist his beautiful fiery sun
that deserves to appear before the world.
For our Gods to create, another wave
for those who must start over again.
For the Gods are to guide us,
and we,
to be human,
and learn from words,
and nature.
From the wave to the sun,
create,
and change,
the anger, hate, and brutality.
For us to learn and let go.
And be happy.

How dare you invite yourself
and interrupt every bit of me being happy and glad?
Now that you've come in me
I'm nothing but enraged and mad.
Broken glass everywhere
and empty shelves that held food.
Get out of me, Depression
I want to be in a better mood.
You're selfish
you're unreal
you wreck my relationships
my happiness is what you steal?
Get out of me now
I want to live okay again.
Get out now,
take a walk,
you're like a faux friend.
When will you ever claim your time to end?

I walk out of my glass house onto a pebble driveway.
My jeep sits there parked on the left.
I'm not going to drive it now.
It's late,
and my anger has the best of me.
Tying my physical actions to my mad-at-the-world mentality.
It was a moment,
it will be passed but remembered.
Should I be the responsible once of another wrong?
Throwing a stone at another house like mine won't solve anything.
I would rather let go of one wrong since two won't make a right.
I put down the stone,
go back to my glass house, let it not be shattered.
That is where my home is.
My heart may not be there too,
it was only a moment.
I'll retrieve my heart again.

This stress goes on,
I can't remember what happiness is supposed to feel like.
Neither the cranium, the heart,
so I can just pretend.
To sound optimistic after
saying hi after a while.
But I can only protect myself.
Can never be used.
So to those who got everything.
The pictures are all around.
I'll get my happiness back someday.
I'll smile without cringing afterwards,
and laugh without going insane.
I may be different.
I am no harm.
I am glad you have your happiness still
since when it comes to moving on
you have it easy.
I do not. I don't forget.
I remind myself
then I hate myself.
But why do I get the hate?
Don't I deserve to be happy again?
Give it back to me right now.
But you can't.
Only I can be the director of my feelings.
And I will cast my happiness
back in my play.
And my life will not be a drama of hurt
but a drama and comedy of
where I deserve to be
and what I work hard for.
Thus not earned,
but taken.
Happiness is deserved by all
and can't be bought.
So think of what is there.
Smile.
I'm going to be happy. :)

They say every rose has it's thorn,
and every baby has it's mother.
They tell me that if the shoe fits, wear it,
and there are two sides to every story.

What if,
the rose makes my hands bleed,
what if the baby lost it's mother,
what if I don't like this shoe,
and what if the story is too hard to
hear?

I am full of grit but as everyone else,
I fear what I don't know.
What will it be like when we are
hours away, I'm here and you are
not?
This love has shaped me into a
better woman,
and has made me aware of how
beautiful and angelic I am.

We can do this together,
long distance,
and still in love.
As time goes and we get closer
to where priorities meet,
I just don't know how it will be.
It won't be easy,
but what is?

It doesn't matter what it really is.
I want to rip off my label,
but it is attached to me on the inside.
Doesn't define any part of me.
I can be brilliant in the rarest ways.
Don't you dare look at me
and say things are so hard for me.
Never will I let you call me different.
I have two ears and one mouth.
Like everyone else, I don't always use them in
proportion.
I am naked under my clothes,
same as the rest of the world.
I can only express what's inside
through my words.
Sometimes it is done for me.
I feel no humiliation for the things I have to work on.
What have you worked on today?
Who do you care about?
Do you see past my label?
The truth about the label is,
it's hardly nothing.
It's not me.
I'm not it.
Tells me what to work on.
What are you working on?

Cloth covering all of my chest
along with an untouched face
with no shadow.
My hair has no style and I know none of what
you told me.
What is ***?
I have never heard of such a thing.

Why is my ***** considered a given sin?
Now the boys must be taught and understand
they are now old enough to accept a
woman's body. Respect her with
no touching or laughter.

Mothers and fathers feel the heartache
at the time for their daughter to grow up.
If a parent carries a phobia of the aftermath,
they learn nothing and growing up is harder
than it needs to be.

She'll be beautiful.
She'll have a sophisticated wardrobe and heart.
Let her hair grow and cut in her own style.
Her clock has ticked to a new time in life.
To all the parents of young, willing adolescent girls.
Stop looking at your little girl.
She is now a woman.

You cannot hold the time anymore,
theres just no need to rush.
Breathe, love, admire.
Watch her grow into a blossom.
Therefore, a kind young woman.
Have no fear, but pride.

What you see
is nothing compared.
To what I
think,
feel,
and
own.

Even if I find myself driving away
in a car all by myself breaking every law
and practically flying,
I am doing what I want right now.
I am home, I am safe, I am
loved no matter my flaws.
I pull out of the driveway and onto
the road.
This is how I party.
By myself, stopping for small bits of food,
and playing whatever song at the highest volume.
Before I was home I was in pain.
I suffered holding in every breath that meant
need.
I fought back tears as I walked where my flooding
eyes would be noticed.
I smiled and said I was good whenever the
‘how are you’ questioned bulleted in me.
I would have said,
‘homesick, not even a care that I am used to this place
away from home’.
Here at home I am forgiven no matter what I break and
loved no matter what forsaken move I make.
I’m breathing normally, and I am not worried
about who is out to hurt me.
I don’t hurt back,
I reassure my senses and nobody says I can’t
go home.
This is my real home.

I miss the times you would sit with me on
my bed and we would share every tragedy in our day.
You were not one to defend anyone but tell me I was more than a victim but a dear friend of yours.
Time went on and you narrowed your focus to something else.
You are now gone and I am lost.
Come back to me.
You are one who carries true
Sympathy.

It never matters
how hard I try.
According to my loved ones and strangers,
everything I say
is a Lie.
I want to be different
so to view me as
smart and wise.
Frustrated and burned as I prove it,
giving writing many more tries.
Taken seriously on occasion.
God forbid this becomes my profession.
Trying so hard
as I hold the pen and think.
But I know for fact
the fairy tales and desired thoughts
are creative and full of art.
They belong on paper and
ink.
I may be weak, but I do what I please.
Forget the critics and the
rude who tease.
Speaking from words on paper
that were from my pen and ink.
It is where my imagination belongs.
So read it,
and think.