This applies to every single one of you. No matter how little you may believe you are worth, I swear to you, you are worth more, way more than you could ever imagine, in your wildest dreams. You are worth the same as those you value most, that girl with the body you aspire yours to be like, those people that you envy for being so naturally beautiful, your closest friends, your family. You are worth every piece of happiness, hope and health. I promise. You are not a diagnosis or a statistic, defined by criteria, percentiles and numerical figures, no. You are so much more. You are more than the inches around your waist, the abs on your stomach, the lbs that creep up and down on the scales, the self defeating thoughts, the highlighting of your insecurities, the constant regrets.
You are the air you breathe, the laughter that slips between your lips, the fight that you said you had ran out of months ago. The love you share and feel, the smiles that sweep across your face, those moments where happiness feels so close that you can almost taste it. You are daylight, the sun, nightlife, clubs and music and drunken confessions. You are a shining star, the scent of your favourite perfume, your most treasured memories crammed into ink and squashed between frames.

Never doubt that you are more.

2013 ©

It takes a thousand reasons to recover, but only one to relapse.

There are no words, no carefully stringed sentences, no clever use of metaphors, alliteration, punctuation and full stops,
that allows us to crop and capture,
the rapture,
of love.

And til the ends of eternity,
shall i carry your heart carefully,
inside me.
Til the stars no longer shine,
til poetry no longer rhymes,
shall i hold your hand in mine.
Til the sea, no longer meets the shore,
shall i love you today, tomorrow and
forever more.

When you are greeted,
With a shell of an
Old wrinkly man,
Do not forget the person i am,
Please try to understand,
That i am not the deep curves within my skin,
Please try to look within.
Do not forget though my speech may be
Inconsistent and slow,
And i may have difficulty with
The ability to chew and swallow.
Do not forget, that these complications,
Do not show,
The things i have achieved,
The family i conceived,
The fresh air that I've breathed,
In many different destinations,
And when you get cross with my hesitations,
Because my actions due to my complications,
May be a little all over the place,
Do not forget,
That embedded within my face,
Lies a whirlwind of memories and dreams,
And though at sometimes it seems,
That i am frail and bitter,
Please understand i am trying to come to terms
With the fact that Im no longer as fitter,
As i used to be.

And when you see me cry,
Do not try to deny me
Of my dignity,
Be calm, be patient,
And look after me gracefully,
Sympathise for the person,
I used to be.
And when you take my body,
Dress it with care,
There is still life there.

And if i stand and stare quietly,
Please wait, for me.
And when you brush my hair,
Please do not rush,
And if i speak in riddles,
Please do not hush,
What may not appear to make sense,
This change Im going through is
So very intense.

And if i soil myself
And your left to clean up the pieces,
Please try to do so,
In a way that irons out the creases,
Of shame and self blame,
And if i forget my name,
Please understand the pain,
That i will never be again,
The same,
Its just my body and my brain,
Don't quite work the way they used to,
And if it appears that Im asking you,
The same question repeatedly,
Please be patient,
I am doing the best for me.

When you look at my pictures,
My photos, my life,
You will see a successful man,
With three kids and a wife.
Young girl, I've battled inner strife,
For almost 90 years,
But nothing warrants tears more,
Than becoming a widow,
Not recognising your own shadow,
Realising your body is no longer your own,
Being moved into a care home,
Where the phone doesn't ring,
Where the birds no longer sing,
And you feel like giving in,
Every single day.
And people constantly say,
How you're turning old and frail,
That your body is aging and turning pale,
And every task you do,
You feel like you fail.

And if in time you begin to find,
A snippet of the old me,
Hold it carefully,
In the palms of your hands,
For the sands of time,
Are slipping too quickly,
Through mine.

So when you are greeted with a face,
With wrinkles so deep,
You could bury your own fears is them,
That sometimes weeps,
Remember, i was once
Like you,
And one day, you will be like me too.
Handle me with patience,
Tenderness, love and empathy,
Handle me gently.

And young lady,
I ask you,
Please be kind,
And remember all i have said,
As i unravel and unwind,
These cognitions within my head.

You scream urgency
Like an accident and emergency
waiting room,
like a person relapsing into addiction,
Because they pushed themselves
too soon.
And there are claw marks in the soil,
Where you've tried to get to grips,
with your inner turmoil.
And there's a danger in your voice,
Like a lost child waiting to be found,
And you string sentences at a time
but no sound, emits.
As you sit in fits,
Of hysterics.
Danger, like,
Racing cars and frightened cries,
And there are holes in your back,
Formed by the lies,
You've been subjected too
And i wonder if i could use them
To carefully breath life back into you.
The life that you seem to have let
Slip through your finger tips,
Like dry sand,
And there are wants and demands,
Taped to the pupils of your eyes,
I wonder if i get close enough,
If i could see,
If i could prize,
open,
The dreams and memories,
Before they turned stale
And congealed in your veins,
Before they curled up and died
and left you entangled,
In the remains.
And the valleys of your eyes,
Run wide and down deep,
And when you weep,
Your tears fall heavier,
Than a ten tonne van,
Falling from unreachable heights,
And there are marks on your body,
Where you've lost the fights,
The sleepless nights,
With yourself.
And you're a shadow of the man,
You used to be,
And even your shadow,
Has sought to be free from you,
Sought someone anew.
And your foundations
Are built on heartache and pain,
And those little tear ducts in your eyes,
they constantly rain,
Torrential down pours,
And there is hopelessness,
Embedded deep within your poors.
And despite the ongoing rain,
You
You're in a draught,
All the love you've showered others in
Means you've ran out,
for yourself,
And your health,
Is a picture
Of cigarettes and late night drinks,
Old whiskey, poured down sinks,
And you're reaching the brink,
The breaking point,
But you quite like the sound,
Of broken plates
And you greet with haste,
The familiar taste of
Self destruction.
And there's a ghost,
Where you used to be,
Haunting the curves
Of your smile,
Watching you all the while,
As you destroy and defile,
The cold skin,
That stretches over your protruding bones,
This terror your living in,
Lures the wolves home,
Could start a thousand wars,
And this battle your fighting,
These revolving doors,
Inside of your mind,
Leave a carcus, a morsel,
A shell,
Of yourself behind.
And your insides stick to the past,
Like double sided cello tape,
And there are windchimes in your spine,
Counting down the time you wait,
For freedom to meet you
With open arms,
And your arms,
Paint a picture of self harm,
In bright red pen,
And the ringing of alarms is renewed
Again and again.
And your heart on your sleeve,
Is clouded,
And weaved,
Between fragile pastel pink scars,
And the hesitation in your voice,
Jars any conversation,
And you scream in frustration
As we express your complications.
And you,
You wish desperately,
That you could be free,
Of those demons, the sin,
For a new beginning.
And there's toxic in your lungs,
And a noose around your neck,
Where you've hung your expectations
Too high,
And you're hanging by a thread,
And the further you slip,
The more knots you tie,
In an attempt to buy time,
And you drink down each crime against yourself,
With another bottle of wine,
As you search and unwind,
The mazes within your mind.
And you can see in the way you carry your frame,
That you've been to the depths of hell and danced with the devil in vain,
On many occasions,
And your eyes they tell tales wanders
Of liquid sedation,
As you squeeze into a nation,
Too small,
Too handle,
Too inexperienced,
Too dismantle,
The train wreck,
You see,
Every time you look
Intensely,
At your reflection,
And your recollections of your past,
Are like shards of sharp glass,
Scattered between the seams of your life,
And you,
You batter the strife,
With drug filled bombs,
Painful tongues and licks,
Of the kicks,
You deny to be true,
As you continue to fall through,
Reality in a clarity,
Smeared with drunken violence,
And ear piercing silence.

Your insecurities,
all those flaws you believe to be impurities,
are beautiful,
to me.

just because you can't see the stars it doesn't mean they're not shining.

There's a noose around your neck,
where you've hung your expectations
Too high.

You scream urgency
Like an accident and emergency
waiting room,
like a person relapsing into addiction,
Because they pushed themselves
too soon.
And there are claw marks in the soil,
Where you've tried to get to grips,
with solid ground,
There's a danger in your voice,
Like a lost child waiting to be found,
And you string sentences at a time
but no sound emits.
Danger, like,
Racing cars and frightened cries,
And there are holes in your back,
Formed by the lies,
You've been subjected too
And i wonder if i could use them
To breath life back into you.
I wonder if i get close enough,
If i could see,
The dreams and memories,
Before they turned stale
And congealed in your veins,
And left you entangled in the remains.
The valleys of your eyes,
Run wide and down deep,
And when you weep,
Your tears fall heavier,
Than a ten tonne van,
You're a shadow of the man,
You used to be,
And even your shadow,
Has deserted you,
Sought someone anew.
And your foundations
Are built on heartache and pain,
And those little tear ducts in your eyes,
Constantly rain,
But you you're in a draught,
All the love you've showered others in
Means you've ran out,
for yourself,
And your health is a picture
Of cigarettes and late night drinks,
Old whiskey, poured down sinks,
And you're reaching the brink,
The breaking point,
But you quite like the sound,
Of broken plates,
And you quite like the taste,
Of self destruction.
And there's a ghost,
Where you used to be,
Haunting the curves
Of your smile,
That you paint on,
Why you defile
Your skin,
This terror your living in,
Could start a thousand wars,
And this battle your fighting,
Inside of your mind,
Leaves a carcus, a morsel,
Of yourself behind.
Your insides stick to the past,
Like double sided cello tape,
And there are windchimes in your spine,
Where your bones should be,
And your heart on your sleeve,
Is clouded,
By red marks where you've sliced open your skin,
In at attempt to be free,
Of those demons, the sin,
For a new beginning.
There's toxic in your lungs,
And a noose around your neck,
Where you've hung your expectations
Too high,
And you're hanging by a thread,
And tying knots the further down you slip,
As you sip,
Another shot of courage.
But there's only so long,
One can hold on for,
And believe me I've been down
To the depths of hell and danced with the devil
On many occasions,
And the sheer frustration,
Of the attempts to be patient,
Are wearing thin,
Like the warm skin, that stretches,
Over your protruding bones.

And the memories we so lovingly crafted, like a child building sandcastles by the sea, will forever wash over me.

In the summer,
Embers of sunshine,
dance in the pupils of your eyes
As you wave your goodbyes,
To those cries,
Those April showers,
That have held you in their powers
For so long.

In the summer,
You open our arms to each day,
As you watch the old decay,
and lay
In the creases of your past,
Grounded on soft grass.

In the summer,
You shimmer and fly high,
With each laugh
that tumbles across you lips,
Each movement of your hips.

In the summer,
Flickers of hope,
elope,
at the curves of your smile,
Like ice cold, lemon juice,
You are glowing, glittering,
Reveling in your youth.

In the summer,
You are shards of blooming flowers,
Peacefully scattered between hours,
spent, laying content,
In your skin.

In the summer,
You are a work of art,
Handed down through the
passages of time
You sparkle and shine,
and the moon does not confine,
Such beauty.

In the summer,
Stars fizzle on your tongue,
as you sing a song,
that reminds you of long ago,
And in the summer
You plant cherry trees,
Serenity.

In the summer,
You lay contently for hours,
and the present it sours,
As grey skies,
Blanketed with reality,
Set upon you and me.
Whilst in the summer you are free,
Every victory,
has its losses,
And every summer
must become history.

So the sun may set
In the pupils of your eyes,
And those goodbyes you waved to your cries,
May resurface,
but the furnace inside of you,
Blazes so bright,
You don't need the sunlight,
To ignite the fight,
That lays dormant in your veins,
so as you lay in the remains and
Seeds of doubt become rife,
As you battle with lifes strife,
Never forget
That there'll always be tomorrow,
So don't you dare,
sit in sorrow, or shed a tear,
face your days with dear,
Because as soon as one summer is gone,
Another is near.

So the flower beds we laid upon
May become rotten,
And that laugh of yours may be forgotten,
But for what its worth, my love,
The memories we lovingly crafted,
like sand castles by the sea,
Will forever spend their days,
Washing upon the shore,
That is me.

Mental illness does not define us,
we define it.

The night you kissed me
the sun fizzled on my tongue
as i drank from the stars.

And in my words
and the depths of my poetry,
i begin to unravel,
the real me.

And when the sun sets in my eyes,
And the still breeze of my breath stops blowing,
When the dawn refuses to break,
And the light of my life stops glowing,
I pray to God
You remember me, for all i ever was.
Let the catastrophe of losing me,
not taint your memory.
Rest in the knowledge,
that now, i am free.

The valleys of your mind,
are the prettiest **** wrecks
I've ever seen.

If every scar could write a story,
then inside of me lies a book.
If ever I dare dig deep enough,
to take a proper look.

To put pen to paper,
and bring to life, Past and Pain,
to scribble out
and exchange,
Words for Scars.
Reality and Truth.
To risk my foundations shaking,
my earth, Quaking.
and leaving me roofless
seems Ruthless.

If every scar could write a story,
then inside of me lies a book.
If ever I dare dig deep enough,
to take a proper look.

After the first
Never again
The second
The same,
Regret, pain
The third
Disappointment, shame
The fourth
A piece of paper with a name
The fifth and I’m officially insane
Confusing clouds, constant rain
Begin to drain
Me

Thoughts, a fact
A pact
To myself
My rapidly deteriorating
Physical, mental, emotional health

31 tablets, 52
What difference does
A few
More make
Another mistake
I break,
Crack, smash
Like China
A million pieces
Despair fills the air
I lay, unconscious
Without a care
In the world

Sleeping tablets
And anti depressants
Desperately searching
For the essence
Of a hopeful soul

Hospitalisation
Anticipation, frustration,
Sedation
A safe place
With locks on the inside
Reflecting on the times
I’ve tried
Cried, lied
To break free

After the first
Never again
The second
The same
Regret, pain
The third
Disappointment, shame
The fourth
A piece of paper with a name
The fifth
And I’m officially insane

It stops here
Succumbed with fear
As I walk, tread, carefully
Undress the mess,
That is me.

2010 ©

The best of poets have tortured souls.

If i could,
I would,
Carefully take you apart,
And put you back together,
Piece, by fragile piece,
And i would not cease,
Until the job was done.
Until the sun once again, shone from those lost, wondering eyes,
Until the cries that had chained you down,
Had been removed from the ground.

And if i could, i would,
Take my tools
And attentively drill out
Your insecurities,
All those flaws, you believe to be
Impurities
And ***** in self acceptance so tight,
So that never again at night,
Would you be reluctant, to hold yourself,
As you sparkle in the moonlight.

And if i could, i would,
Clamp together,
Your hopes and dreams,
Your self belief,
And tie them together at the seams
With double knots,
So that you never forgot, how
Capable you are.

I'd take each glittering star,
and plant them in the pupils of your eyes,
So that each time you cry
You'd be reminded of the beauty inside,
Of you.

And if i could, i would,
Paint over your frame work,
And tentatively cover up those scars,
So you'd never again see the hurt,
And never doubt
Just how perfectly imperfect you are.

And if i could, i would,
Saw away your sorrows
So when you thought of your tomorrows,
You weren't filled with dread,
You were filled with joy and hope
And optimism instead,
So that before you went to bed,
You were not filled with self defeating thoughts,
Ruminating inside, that pretty little head.

And if i could, i would,
Weld securely into place,
A genuinely happy smile,
Across your dainty face,
And a hand in yours,
So you'd never have to brace
Anything alone.

And if i could, i would,
Disassemble your malfunctioning thought processes
And rewire them back together again,
With a spanner, in the manner,
That meant you were not
Classed as insane.
I'd unfold and rearrange,
The chemical imbalances
Within your brain
So that the years of disdain,
And self blame,
Where a thing of the past,
I'd put you back together,
In a way, that showed you,
You were meant to last.

And if i could, i would,
Attach wings to your spine,
So there'd never be a time,
That you'd stumble and fall
You'd stand tall,
You'd rise above it all.

And if i could, i would,
Take the lonely shadows of your heart,
Rip them apart
And blaze them,
In a light so bright
It'd never die out,
You would never again doubt
All that you are,
And all that you can be.
And if i could, i would,
I'd set you free.

You tell me your afraid of the dark
well darling, ill stand in the shadows of your heart
and blaze a path,
so bright,
you won't have to be frightened anymore.

What happens when she doesn't want rescuing
When this mission you're persuing
is all in vain.

And me i wait down the weight,
of the past
by leaving my plate,
Untouched.
Instead i devour the self hate,
And compensate
for the thoughts in my head.
By pacing along a path,
that'll only lead to my death bed.

But me,
I already died inside,
Many years ago.
And my heart it may slow,
But it does not show my ability to swallow
Mouthfuls of regret at time.

And me,
I combine,
Thought and feelings,
With actions,
I have no sense of attraction,
When i stare at my reflection
That screams rejection,
And i pull out a fraction
of the person i used to be.

Because me
I am 100 pounds too heavy,
80 pounds to heavy,
Every single pound too heavy.
And this weight loss is steady,
And these burdens i carry,
With this thinking that refracts me
Prevents me the ability,
To see any positive trait, or quality,
I drown in a sea,
Of unforgivable mistakes,
I break, crack, smash
Into a thousand pieces.

And you,
You try to iron out the creases,
With therapy and weight gain,
And to you,
I am a piece of paper with a name,
And my tiny frame encompasses
Years of self blame,
Disdain.

And me,
I slip through the cracks in the earth,
As i claw and clasp for an inch of
Self worth.
I try to ride and surf
This tide,
But the feelings inside,
The thoughts in my mind,
Do not allow me to find
Acceptance anywhere.

And me i exhale rotten air,
As i stare at my past,
And i try not to feel,
But this pain is so real,
So me, i skip a meal
And refuse the next,
I filter through the net,
Stomach regret,
And maybe one day yet,
Ill be ready for freedom,
Excited and apprehensive about the person,
I have the potential to become.
But for now,
My meal is undone.

And me,
I run
in fear,
There is no life here,
No beauty near.
And the sheer idea,
That maybe,
Just maybe
A number shouldn't dictate my self worth.
Shouldn't cause me to hurt, myself
That i am worth more,
The idea of closing the door,
Too much to bare.
So in silence I'll stare,
I'll restrict and starve,
And lose my hair,
And don't tell me I don't care,
Because it'd be impossible
For me to care any more,
But can't you see
There's a fire inside of me
And Im burning at the core.

And i guess that makes me a coward, a quitter,
But i can't see anyway fitter,
And it tastes so bitter
Chewing on the past,
And the taste it lingers
And fills up my glass.

But until you've walked in my ever shrinking shoes,
Do not judge me,
Or the choices i chose,
Do not question the freedom i lose,
This body i abuse.

Do not remind me
Of the sanity i could find
For you have no clue
Of the hurricanes
That run wild within my mind.

Me?
I am astoundingly lucky,
You make me indescribably happy.
You free me from the deepest of insecurities,
and teach me,
To love myself,
show me the beauty you see,
teach me
to be, all i can be.

And if love could talk,
express its thoughts,
it would tell you
it doesn't care about gender,
it would advise you to remember,
that it cannot be planned,
despite your demands,
and that the holding of hands
between two women from Venus
or two men with a *****,
is exactly the same,
as that shared between
a girl and boys frame.

It takes many reasons to recover but one to relapse.

And you,
you are gold dust,
scattered perfectly,
Between the seams
of my existence,
And you sparkle and shine,
withstand the tests of time,
As you listen and remind me,
Your love is irrevocable,
Unstoppable,
And i,
I am incapable,
to withhold, your insatiable,
burning light,
you put the stars to shame
And the world to rights
As you glitter and i hold you tight,
In fright of you slipping through the cracks,
In my heart,
Where others have took pieces,
Left their mark.
And you, you take these
frayed seams,
These broken dreams and sow
Together something unbelievable,
Inconceivable.
And i hold you in my hands,
sifting the idea,
of no expectations or demands.
You form a safe landing,
With you i am standing,
on the edges of the shore,
Always left wanting more,
and your eyes they soar,
through my veins,
as you demolish the remains
of my past,
And i pray, this isn't too good to be true,
I pray this will last.
And you free me,
Your understanding, your loyalty,
allow me to be, all i can be.

And you,
You tell me Im a beauty,
But all that i am,
Darling,
I owe to thee.

Mistakes,
everyone makes,
but how much more
self criticism
do we take
before it breaks
us.

Take all that love and care,
You have to share,
and give them to the person who needs and deserves them most,
the ghost
of yourself.

you take the only space that will ever truly be your own,
and destroy and disown it.

All these people talking, but i can't hear a thing.

You don't always have to be alone to be lonely.

Life is a maze,
Some of us get lost along the way.

To aspire and inspire, to analyse, criticise, to encourage, share, support and advise.

And those pretty little firefly's
that used to illuminate
the sockets of your eyes
must have been soaked up by your crys
must have fizzled out and died,
inside of you.
Because there's no longer
that burning light
that used to ignite a room
And put the stars to shame.
And since they died out,
you haven't been the same.

And honey, i can try to ignite them again,
With all i have,
But I've done all i can do
darling the match lies in you.

As the ink sinks into the paper
i burrow deeper
inside of myself, until i am lost
in words, alliteration, commas and
full stops
to crop my faults
and tie my edges together
sew myself,
with rhythmic leather
in an attempt to hold secure
My frayed mentality,
conceal the reality,
That i have fallen apart,
Glue together new beginnings and fresh starts,
With ink at the heart,
Of it all.

When I burn around my edges
And sometimes my very core
You shower me with your love,
When it rains it pours.

People often tell me I'm a Daddy's girl
And whenever I try to explain why
I get lost for words,
When I begin to even try,

It's the tight grasp of your
Reassuring hand,
It's the freedom of
Never living in demand.
It's the way you hold me
Every time I cry,
The way that you know
Without even asking why.
It's your warming
And contagious laughter,
It's because with you I know no matter what happens
You'll be waiting after,
With a listening ear,
It's the fact that you're so sincere.
It's the way you take my fears
And brush them away,
It's the promise of being there
That you've kept til this day.
It's the years, you've fought by my side,
It's the way you look at me
With such pride.
It's the fact that you're not perfect
Nor are you trying to be,
It's the devotion and
The belief you have for me.
Its your unfaltering and calming
Presence
It's the when I'm searching for
An essence of hope
You shower me in it,
It's the way in which we sit
In silence for hours on end
Not only are you my father,
But my only real best friend.
It's the fact that on you,
I know I can depend.
It's the me I see in you and the
You I see in me.
It's the fact that no matter how lost
I am
You always guide me home,
It's because with you
I know I shall never walk alone,
It's because every memory we've shared,
The meals you've so thoughtfully cooked and prepared,
Have been done with so much love
It's because when I feel like I'm drowning
You lift me up above
The water.
It's the fact that I'm your daughter.
It's the glint in your eye,
And the compassion in your voice,
It's because with you,
I know you'll respect my choices.


It's the waterfights, the trampolining, the shopping trips, the dreaming.
It's the pool, and the Xbox too,
It's the way without you, I have no idea what i'd do..
It's the walks, the talks, the games,
The frames of photographs,
It's the serious late night talks,
The happy and memorable laughs,
It's the hospital trips, the dunked biscuits,the broken arm,
it's the way in which you disable the ringing of alarms inside my skull.

When people ask why I'm a daddy's girl,
It's all these things, and so much more.
It's because what ever I ask for,
You tell me that's what daddy's are for.
It's the way you aid me to open doors
To the present
Despite my fears
It's the way you've never faltered
Throughout the years.

You are my logic
At times when I stumble
You are my foundations
At times when I crumble apart.
It's love you give me,
From the bottom of your heart.
It's the hundred new beginnings and fresh starts
The thousand chances,
The cheesy dances.

Its because when I burn around
My edges and sometimes my very core
You shower me with your love
And when it rains, it pours.

Dad, there are a million reasons,
Why you're my king,
And that you will remain,
Strong and shining.
So when people ask why I'm a daddy's girl
Ill keep it short and sweet
But never forget, never regret,
You're the number one dad to defeat.

In the heartbeat she gave me,
would i give all to thee
once more.

And when it rains
it pours
in that little mind of yours.
So you take your thoughts
and hang them out to dry
in the form of a poem.

Honey take away the blade
From those innocent little wrists
You're far too precious
To hurt yourself like this.
Baby, take your fingers
From down your scarlet red throat,
You're far too beautiful,
To make yourself gag and joke.
Sweetheart, take away those pills,
From your desperate hands
You're far too gifted,
To slip through the sands
Of time.
Darling, take away the fist,
From your delicate head,
Your far too special,
Use a pillow instead.
My love, take away the bottle,
From those pursed lips,
you're far too magnificent,
To throw your life away, like this.

Angel, take all those self destructive thoughts,
Urges and impulses,
Those painful memories,
Those constraining convulses,
Of the past,
And throw them to one side,
hold yourself in your arms,
And allow yourself to cry.
You're worth so much more
Than to cause your self harm.
That's a promise from me,
You're life is far too treasured,
For you to drift away,
In history.

There are a million and one,
rainstorms, tucked neatly into those tearducts
enveloped in those beautiful eyes of yours,
didn't anyone ever tell you, love,
its okay to cry.
So let those rainstorms fall,
lace your cheeks and tumble gently over your pursed lips.
There's beauty in the break down,
There's beauty in this,
Moment of vulnerability,
Unfamiliarity,
And there will be clarity,
Once your storms have been exhausted,
And the sun will rise again,
In those eyes.
So darling sit and pull yourself close,
Let those liquid droplets,
Drown you in your clothes,
For i promise you will float.
Pull your knees in tight,
Cuddle up in your own embrace,
And allow those weighty storms,
To trickle down your face.
Feel free to whimper and maybe ask why,
Sweetheart, its perfectly okay to be hurt, be vulnerable, to cry.

Losing you proved harder than
I'd ever imagined.
So I took the memory
And pretended it never happened.

I buried you,
In the corners of my smile,
And hid you in the gaps between my teeth,
And every once in awhile,
I shone you,
In an attempt to conceal my grief.

I bottled your scent,
And put it in my pocket,
I captured those enchanting eyes
And placed them in my sockets.
I tuned your name into the beats
Of my heart,
I sewed you perfectly, into me,
So as not to tear myself apart.

I took that warm touch of yours,
And carried it in my hands,
I took that soothing voice,
And placed it into bands,
That I laced through my hair,
So when my levels of despair
Reached boiling point,
I'd never forget, that you were there,
That you had always cared.

I took your reassuring grasp,
So I'd never walk alone,
I kept your number,
Tucked neatly in my phone.
I took your kind and gentle ways,
And reinforced them to myself
As the days,
Passed by.

People told me I should start to let go
And I simply replied
With the answer of no.
Because letting go,
Means losing all of you,
And call me crazy,
But that I could never do.

What if the sky isn't blue?
What if the grass isn't green too?
What if the sea isn't wet?
What if we never felt the sharp sting of regret?
What if morning never came?
What if there was no sunshine after the rain?
What if the leaves they didn't dance?
What if love didn't involve romance?
What if humanity ceases to exist?
What if time, was all but a myth?
What if the suns rays didn't shine?
What if poetry didn't rhyme?
What if the breeze never blew?
What if birds never flew?
What if colours existed in shades we'd never imagined?
What if no one could recall, terrible things that have happened?
What if there was no such thing as war?
What if no one closed or opened a door?
What if no one died?
What if no one ever lied?
What if humanity wasn't corrupted?
What if this world we live in, wasn't distructed.
What if global warming was just a scare?
What if all parties involved chose to play fair?
What if life didn't end in dying?
What if we were all satisified, just because we were trying?

If morning had never graced its presence that day,
Would you still have upped and gone away?
And if the sun had never shone that dawn,
Would I still be alone, this early morn?
If the stars had never ceased,
And the darkness had kept its presence,
If the night had never drew in
And the moon stayed ever crescent
Would you still be laying by my side
Would there still have been that change in tide?
Because since the seas direction changed
I've been left in the remains, off shore
Fighting for something,
Though for what I'm unsure.
I've been treading water at a steady pace,
But there's only so long, can race
Before time comes and takes our place.
And the seaweeds are starting to pull me under
And the clouds in my mind are starting to thunder,
I search desperately for shelter, solid ground,
I long to be found,
But the shift in tide has bound
Me
A daughter of the sea,
Alone, trapped in we.
And my heart lays heavy,
In a bottle of sherry
Too heavy to keep afloat
So send out your rescue mission
Your men and boats
But they will not find me,
I am entangled in chains,
And the remnants and remains
You cannot see.
So as I drown, in this bottle of whiskey
Consumed by the taste
From the last time you kissed me,
Fuelled by the solace at our loss of history
Do not try to save me,
You are the one who deserves to be free.

If morning had never graced its presence that day,
Would you still have upped and gone away?
Or would we have stayed, forever embraced, fingers interlaced,
In a morsel of romance.
And if the sun had never shone that dawn,
Would I still be alone, this early morn?
And would we still have had to mourn over our loss?
If the stars had never ceased,
And the darkness had kept its presence,
If the night had never drew in
And the moon stayed ever crescent
Would the tides of change still have to flow,
And form a drift between us two,
Would we have to mourn our history,
Would we still be through?

Though maybe if the morning had never come,
and if the sun had never shone,
and the stars had never ceased,
Your chance of happiness would be gone,
And I treasure that of yours,
More than I do of mine,
So let the sands of time sift between us two
Let the stars shine and the moon not confine, you.
Let dawn break, as we awake to a new day
Let the tide change
And let the remains
Embrace you in all the joy you deserve.

The clocks came to a halt
As our conversation cracked and fizzled out,
And there was no longer a need
To scream and shout
Because with our arms wrapped the enemy
Of our lover, one another,
We were once again complete.
But you were never willing to accept defeat.
The silence became intoxicating
As it seeped through, caressing the entire room
And fed up with the waiting,
Done with all the slating,
You got up and left
All too soon.
And our only goodbye was the mixture
Of our scents,
Your whiskey breath and my stale cigerettes.
That danced in the air.
The fire inside of me began to smoulder
And the devil on my shoulder
Lay down at rest.
The night grew colder
As day drew through the blinds
And reality burst through, in dark colours, amongst the leaves
And the gentle breeze from the window
Awoke me to its short sharp scratch.
As I came to realise
You were never hear
And really it's been three years
And  I'd spent the night showering myself in my tears
And grieving a loss that
Had been and gone
Many years ago.
The clocks started ticking again
As I accepted the reality
And the formality it came with.
As I dressed for work,
I buried all of the confusion
Anguish, pain and hurt
Under bright red lipstick.
Your favourite colour.
And though I knew what I knew
Before I left
I still turned and waved goodbye to you.
Our memories crammed inbetween frames
On the Mantel piece,
They say coping gets easier
Of those deceased
Tho I have my reasons to question
Such ideation.
It's been three years,
And the house is still the same
Everything is similar
Except now I'm classed as clinically insane.
I guess you could say,
Your death, tore open and apart
My cell membranes,
Leaving room only,
For damaging remains.


And the job I'd got up and dressed for
And the night id stayed up and present in
Wishing, to see you once more
Were both fantasies,
Dreams I'd formed
Tho I wasn't dreaming
And my my mind is screaming
For you to not be gone
And it will never stop
Until we are at peace as one.
So the sun may shine
And the clouds may break
But me, I will spend the day,
Laying under our duvet
Wrapped in yesterday's memories
Of you and I
And I will sit and cry and wait
For fantasy to overtake reality
Because its hard to understand
When the two are so blurred
That I have no clue
If I can do or undo something that's happened
When there's no pattern
Just confusion.
Evolution of a broken mind.
And if I dig deep enough
Consolidation in you I find.
Despite the constant reminders
That you're gone,
Baby I'm still holding on.

Fear not there haunted eyes,
a young girl, broken,
behind them lies.

Why is it so hard
for us to accept ourselves as we are,
and yet so easy to pick out our
imperfections and scars
and allow them to taint and tar,
combine and define
the picture we paint
The person we are,
and the person we believe we should be.
The staged presentation
we allow others to see.

Today is the yesterday that you'll regret throwing away tomorrow.