I binged today. Normally I'd say, "it's okay."
but the truth is that it's not
I wish it weren't so hard to stop, but I have a disorder
One that many people just don't understand.

It's like I have a hole I can't fill inside of me
one that keeps telling me I need to eat more
"You're not full yet, eat this, eat that!" My stomach tricks me
Until it doesn't and I feel the consequences of my actions.

If only I could stop myself.
The people who think it's as easy as telling yourself no are wrong
I spend money on food that I think will help me,
try to create a new habit called "eating healthy."

My disorder just laughs at this.
Because it knows what I'll do the next time I'm feeling anything
I'll go order a McDonalds number 3 large,
or go to the grocery and fill up my cart.

I'll get home and eat it too quickly til I can't move anymore
Then cry and feel angry that I'm too afraid to throw it up.

I quit therapy, despite it helping me.
The place and time stopped being right.
I think she'd be so disappointed
I'm full of shame again tonight.

There's something I desire
more than other things.
I can't stop this craving;
this longing to be free.

Maybe in another life, place, or time
bigger than you and me,
I'd be running through a flower field,
or exploring new cities.

Honestly I just want to run,
run far, far, away..
I wish I didn't care what they all say,
I'm sick of all this ****.
The tricks, and the gimmicks
Why cant I run away from it all?

Is it the rules I was given?
Or maybe the trauma I can't fix?
The way I start and always stop
just to get stuck in the midst?

The flashbacks that don't stop
or the drugs I just throw up,
I'm too scared to take the hint and
start to think "maybe I'm just not meant for this."

Even though I know,
I want to run so far away from here
and stop caring what they say.
I'm sick of all this ****.
The lies they make me say.
Why can't I just listen to my soul?

I hear her yelling deep inside,
telling me I should just go!
She says I can leave any time,
to where, I might not know.

I just can't fathom what might happen,
when I'm all on my own.
I'm scared it won't be worth it,
but what might happen if I don't go?

I'm tangled up in a mess,
the mess of life versus dreams.
It's a ribbon I'm afraid to untie,
because of this it'll always haunt me.

I'll follow you through the galaxy
into black holes, around moons, through seas
but will you follow me to a new atmosphere?
It's a planet that's so far from here.

Am I exceptional enough to capture your attention
if I am will this feature last long enough
for us to be known as star and moon for life?
If you follow me, I'll follow you.

When you're homesick,
you should go outside and close your eyes.
Then look up into the night,
see all the clouds in the same blue sky.

*It feels like home doesn't it?

Laying in the grass
you look up into the sky,
it's a warm night between summer and fall.
The stars twinkle and you let yourself drift off.

You're dreaming.
You're floating up to the stars,
all of the things that make you who you are,
encompass you.

Then you wonder,
is it wrong?
To wish for a savior?
I'm here to tell you it isn't.

It's okay to want someone to save you.
To long for them...
to wish they'd rush into your life
and be there to catch you.

You're only so strong alone.
It's okay to sometimes,
just sometimes...
want someone to be the hero you're dreaming of.

My heart fills up until it's pounding
I freeze and wonder where you are
or what you're doing...
Are we even in the same universe still
or are you out there floating?
A lot of my life has encompassed you somehow.
Whether I was just thinking of you during a sad time
or laughing while reminiscing...
I miss you and hold you in my memories.
Though, we'll probably never meet again
I hope time will untangle someday for me too
and we'll cross paths come what may.