This dagger encased in my mouth
Disguised as a tongue
I do not want it
I do not want to continue to slice through the skin of those I love dearly
but it comes unsheathed
And wrecklessly massacres the ones I hold close
I’m tired of seeing red

My kisses taste like ***** and the cigarettes I told everyone I stopped smoking
I drink beer by the case and eat like a bird
No wonder I haven’t gained weight

My eyes have developed bags that carry bags that carry bags
My heart skipped out on rent this month so don’t expect the mushy gushy **** this time around

My hairs tangled and I haven’t washed it in days my nails are brittle and my gauges are infected once again

I’ve worn the same outfit everyday this week
Because who’s really trying anymore when each night ends in in blurry vision and incomprehensible speech? Not me

Sand sits in the bottom of all my shoes because I can’t seem to stay away from the beach
It’s like my soul wishes to wash away in the riptides and finally be free

The water it calms me always rushing back to shore just as soon as it leaves, it’s peaceful something I seemingly cannot be

You tell me
I am but a fine wine
Who’s beauty is tasted
In the years I fermented
For had I just been sipped after being bottled
I’d be too sweet on the tongue
With time comes elegance and body

You love me
But do not know
How to love

We only see
What our eyes
Are meant to see

You treat me as fine china
In this concrete house

I’m drunk
And I am sad
For the death of us
It was monumental
For We are just rotting corpses
Of our once great bodies
Living in routine
Afraid to break away
And realize
There is more to life
Than love till death

Vacuumed floors and
Organized dressers
This is relaxation

Cold baths with no bubbles
Blunt roaches swimming in ash
Wicks that drowned and died in the wax of over burned candles
plates with half eaten food
Sitting there for days
Clothes so big you could dive into them head first
Circles so deep you look almost as if you’ve been punched in the face
But you feel that way too so
What’s the difference?
When you no longer count the calories you just
Restrict everything you consume
I almost miss when I would feel the pain of my body consuming itself
But everything is a dull ache now
This is only flesh tightly stretched over tired bones

Our love smells like gasoline
And alcohol
On these honest talkative nights
You showed me how to spiral out of control
And fly off the edge like it meant nothing to me
You located the spots in which I had never known were there
Like a book you read me and a garden you watered me
Our love it was nuclear
It was mutant
It’s sad Radiohead songs on long drives late at night
It’s the cigarette smoke stains so pungent on the roof on your old rodeo you could smell it as much as you could see it
****** noses in the cold
Seeing your breath but not being able to distinguish it from the smoke
Broken bottles and empty pipes
Cashed bowls and vomiting out of car doors
This is what it felt like
To really truly fall in love  
Waking up the night after still fully dressed
And in your makeup
It’s a *****, grungy, stinky, sticky,messy, wreckless life I live
But I live it loving you because it’s the only thing I want to do

I read some poetry today
That my soul needed
It drank from the sweet words
As a hummingbird from a
Feeder
It replenished the areas
In which I declared
Forever dead
To New Years
And new days
Forever search for what it takes
To
Grow back the gardens left unwatered
In times after the storm

It hurts so bad sometimes
I’d rather blow my brains out
Than see tomorrow
Because nothing  changes
It’s going to always hurt

No matter what you do
You do everything alone
You are born alone
You die alone
No matter the amount of friends love or
Wealth
No one owes you anything we’re all
On our own

I am the rocks
In the rivers
We used to skip
Sunken to the bottom as if
None of the smooth
Hops across the water mattered
Stuck in mucky water
With nothing to show
Except a few smooth
Dances across the still surface
and a swift fall to
Resting grounds
Where all the memories we shared lay on each and every stone

Now
You see me
Now you don’t
I hide behind barriers
I draw lines
And I don’t cross them
My walls are high
My mirrors they are confusing
The smoke it’s thick
And I
I am scared to let anyone in

I’ve been told I have that
Deer in headlights look to my eyes
As if everything I’ve ever known
Was coming to an end right in front of me
But little did they know
They were right

A love so sweet
It tasted
Of forbidden
Fruit

There are people who don’t know
The wrong things I have done
The lives I have disrupted
And I like it that way
I like knowing not eveyone needs to judge what I have reaped and sowed for many years
I have changed in unimaginable ways
I promise I am not who you once knew
And I’m sorry for the pain I have caused
I know there is much
But to the ones who love me
And know there’s more than meets the eye
But nonetheless admire who I am in present day
Thank you for the encouraging love and support you bring me
To be a new me each day and grow farther and farther from who I have been

YOUR TRAUMA
IS NOT DETERMINED
BY
YOUR AGE
YOUR TRAUMA
IS VALID
NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE
NO MATTER WHAT RACE YOU ARE
NO MATTER YOUR ****** ORIENTATION
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR JOB IS
YOUR TRAUMA WILL ALWAYS BE VALID
KEEP DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HEAL THAT PAIN