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 Apr 2019 M P
Paige Schanely
you aren’t gone yet
even after a month of radio silence
even after a month of hurt
even after the worst month that these eyes have ever seen
and these hands have ever held
when you see me, you still tell me to keep my head up
so keep my head up i will.
i will raise my head higher than the clouds
because who i am to say that i can’t?
who am i to tell you that i’m not strong?
you already know how fragile i am
you know that i can shatter like glass
slowly the cracks form
but quickly i shatter and fall to the floor like a waterfall of broken shards.
you aren’t gone yet,
but the immeasurable distance between us makes it impossible to see you
even when you’re right in front of me.
you once told me that i’m the kind of person that makes life worth living.
but what you don’t know is that i don’t know how to live without you anymore.
so tell me how i can keep my head up
when i fall to my knees every i think about you for too long
one mention of you name sends a chill down my spine and tears to my eyes.
one resurfacing memory is enough to send me into a panic attack
so how the hell can i keep my head up?
you aren’t gone yet,
but the shelter you gave me is.
i am out in the open
unarmed
defenseless.
my shield is down
so i guess all i can do is keep my head up
can i just rant here? i love this person, and i don't blame them for leaving. their circumstances were no longer safe. i get it. but i want to be mad. i want to hate them. they left me all alone and with no one to make me feel safe. and i can't just follow them. i don't know if that's what they would want. but they are always telling me to "keep my head up" and "keep holding on". but they haven't heard (from me) the amount that i've been suffering. its just their friends that happen to see me when i break down. i just wanna talk to them, but every time i try, i clam up. idk idk idk. okay rant over, thanks for listening.
 Mar 2019 M P
Nikita
F*ck me over
 Mar 2019 M P
Nikita
Lick my lips
Cradle my face
Gaze into my eyes
And tell me I'm safe
 Mar 2019 M P
Nicholas
Scattered across my bedroom floor,
glimmers of light staccato on wilted rose pedals

Memories of us, 
the faintest slapback of the person I was with you,
flicker with lethargic buoyancy 

Fondness for fondness sake,
denial as a delicacy

Your face, obscured in these floral polaroids
Impressions of who you were;
what you meant to me,
a struggle to behold
but recognizable in ripples across the faces of others

Remains of an entanglement that seemed to answer
why the universe was even formed to begin with

This omnipresent truth laying abed the other
jagged reality of our affair;
it was never you,
it was my self-possessing pursuit of wholeness
Musings on the idea that love can be a very selfish act and that, in it's absence, we sometimes look back on a former relationship, not because we still love or miss that person, but because we love/miss the way that person made us feel about ourselves.
 Feb 2019 M P
Paige Schanely
i dread the day
where i will have to whisper a wrong-feeling goodbye into your arms
we aren't meant for this fate
though we knew it would end this way
from the beginning
it never felt right
no
we were meant to orbit each other forever
we will dance in the stars
forever
in loving memory
of the times we danced and sang together
on earth
goodbyes **** :(
 Feb 2019 M P
Paige Schanely
scatter
 Feb 2019 M P
Paige Schanely
i stand and watch you leave
the doorway fraMes your unsteady form as You walk out of my life
the whole scene reminds me of a haPhazardly taken polaroid pIcturE
in my white-knuCkled fingers
as i hold onto your mEmory as tight aS i can
for deAR lifE
because this moment here
is the breaking apart
i have Spent months grieving your loss
before it even arrived
and yet
this is harder than i Could even imagine
because watching you go is easier than seeing you gone
because the gentle ambiguity of your not-goodbye
is nothing like how you lived your dAys with me
fast-paced, breakneck speeds
every breath thaT flowed from your open heart sTormed right through the walls around mine
and without those i am suffocating
i am shattEring like a broken mirror
and you were the light i once reflected
every one of my fractures spreads and cRacks like a spider-weaved web
and i am the fly
i am too weak to say goodbye
so i let your “see you later”
shatter mE
because the you i may see later
will not be the same you that i know right now.
so i shatter and splinter and crack
as you slip out of my hands
and all my pieces are shattereD across every memory i have with you.
 Jan 2019 M P
A
All Poems
 Jan 2019 M P
A
My English teacher says
all poems are deep and complex
and all poets formulate poems with careful scrutiny
over the course of days, weeks, months

But I say
there are beautiful poems
that take hours to write

and there are poems that spill over from the heart
and onto the page:
the poems that we write through tears, sobs, hysteria, glee, laughter, sunshine, rain

All poems were not carefully formulated
but they're all beautiful regardless

— The End —