A void in space
Silence in a dark room
My chest aches for it to be full soon
I wonder if I will ever feel
How it is to phone home
To know I’m not alone
My head tells me its a lie
It must be venom in my eye
Because I feel like I should die
I know I’m sick because half the time
I like it the feeling of loneliness
No one can hurt me
No more room for knives in my back
The blood has turned black
Disgusted by my lack to fight back
How do you know when I seem the same
I still crack a smile
Tell a joke or two
Unfortunately the punchline is me
Unknown to you
So I will keep taking hooks
Because at the end of the day
Nobody feels me
No matter who looks

i long for pleasant days.
days that feel like new beginnings,
days when i feel as if i am floating,
when each and every
fiber of my being
feels content with letting go,
tying loose ends,
shedding dead skin.
when my body no longer
feels unworthy of
occupying a space in this dimension,
when my brain no longer
allows toxicity to occupy a space
within it.
i long for moments of silence.
solace for my soul,
a place for the skeletons
in my closet to
rest their dust-covered heads.
i long for happy summers.
when i no longer fear
the thought of love.
when i no longer imagine love
as an ugly ****,
devouring a flower bed.
when i no longer imagine you
resting in someone else's.

Within my own broken self
I look for hidden parts of you.
You, the destroyer; I am your victim -
For now, at least, our roles are reversed.

I climb the steps to the top of a fountain -
The imaginary steps, the ones we invented;
And I reach the fountain that never existed,
To drink from its memories - torn and twisted.

Do you remember how it all started
On that fateful night not meant to happen?
It happened though, despite all odds -
Its pain enduring, its memories blurred.

No longer knowing what’s real and what’s a dream,
I crawl through the day not daring to scream.
With one wish only - to reach the night,
So I can beg it for shelter and a brief respite.

The imaginary comfort of welcoming darkness,
A cruel illusion that inevitably shatters
As soon as the first beam of all baring light
Casts a fierce spell with all its might.

Thus I’m left with another day to crawl through;
With promises that are fantasy - none of them true,
Longing for the arrival of the merciful night
With its false comfort to sleep by my side.

Copyright: Nara Hodge 2018

This is my life. I have to be okay with the dark presence that looms over me, and I have to accept that I won’t be able to expel him for I must make friends with him to get my way. I have taught my self to just breathe every time I hear his loud footsteps coming up the stairs and not to duck underneath my covers or shout my mother's name. I learned to keep my distance, and In the darkest hour of the night even when he creeps through these halls, I must keep my composure and swallow my pills until the shaking has gone away. He goes by the name Dad, but he’s treated me unlike so, and now I don’t look him in the eye or laugh any longer than I should because one day I’m scared of what’ll happen if I do. I’m afraid of the day when I will lose to the darkness that creeps inside rooms once light and beautiful and changes the presence for good. Rooms once light now dark and dreary.

She jammed her tongue down my throat
and the taste took me back to simpler times
truth be told, I loved it, her kiss reminds me of my favorite ice cream
but it leaves a bad aftertaste, it's a killer addiction, like poison
she slowly eats me alive, I'm addicted to the heartbreak....