Sometimes
                     Depressed,
means knowing what you have to do but not knowing if you can.

Can one surpass the limits of their own species?
Feeling human seems like wearing a shirt, two sizes too small.
Constrained by my very essence,
I wonder, how long can skin contain spirit?

Will my soul shatter this cage of flesh and bone,
Exposing the deity trapped within?
Can my ego withstand the blow, yield control,
And let truth grace the present?

Perhaps it's wise to let death be my ferryman,
To wait with patience for the destined moment of transcendence.
Yet for now,
I choose to bask in this human experience.

I will dance, I will play,
I will dare to love with an open heart.
I will lean into life's fleeting nature,
And for now, choose to be human.

I swim
I tire
I drown
Tumbling down
Over and round
I sink to the ground
No air to be found
I Struggle around
These lungs are bound
don't want to drown
float to the top look all around
no land is found
So

If we feel guilty
For privileges we have in our life
We all must become victims
Doomed to be resentful
Guilt breeds resentment
Fear will do the same
If we all have to make our lives worse
Exaggerating our own pain
When privilege is synonymous with race
We will always have opposing sides
The media creates this hate
Not the people
They want you to be scared
They want war
It keeps us distracted
From the socioeconomic games
The wealthy need chaos
To keep us fighting each other
Instead of creating actual change
All your Governments colluded
They want it this way
We are all divided
Causing each other pain
I know there needs to be accountability
But there must be a better way
When we are no longer angry at each other
Humanity has found it's way

Quite is what I need
less noise
more time to read
the world needs constant attention
but the headphones help a little
give thanks to anc
I just want space to be me
I cant help but mention
my rapid ascension
up past the tallest tree
with less noise in my ears
I will overcome fears
the quite will set you free

I yearn for silence
these thoughts
these noises
Tormenting

Emotionally repressed
With sadness stuck inside
Mentally distressed
Just want to run and hide
Tyrannically oppressed
Our feelings are denied
Why do our eyes protest
Would be better if we cried
Generations of men will attest
Some think it'd be better if they died
That's not easy to digest
Yet in no one we confide
Pain and trauma unexpressed
Constant strength we must provide
No wonder we're depressed
Too many lost in their pride.

Goodbye past things that hurt me
trauma that still affects me
burdens I no longer need bare
Memories that weigh on my mind
Behaviours we no longer wish to re-enact
the pain we no longer need to suffer from
I have learned what I needed to learn from these lessons
I understand that it is a part of my life that no longer serves me
I am ready to accept it and move on
I am deserving of love
loving myself enough to heal
forgiving myself for mistakes
understanding that which makes me grow.

This is not the pain of eternity
It is but the pain of a moment
A moment that will not last forever
Nothing does
Nothing can
But it is in this pain we find what has meaning
To avoid pain is to avoid what it means to truly live

I say thank you
Thank you to the me that brought me to myself.
The one who weathered the storm
The one that suffered as waves crashed
The one who pushed on when everything seemed lost.
Thank me.
For I would not be I
if you had not been you.

This is a world of my own creation
I am the architect of my own isolation
Alone at the whim of my own dictation
Forever trapped in an internal altercation

I hate myself for loving you
You chose to sail out the door
Leaving pain for a wake
And my brother on the shore
You told him you would take him
but instead you broke his heart
I had to become man of the house
I had to take care of mum
I'm glad I barely knew you
I didn't have to see what you had done
less than 5 months old
you didn't even give me a chance
But I can't hate you
I have tried
trust me I tried
I know when I see you
I won't be able to help myself
I know I don't need your approval
but that doesn't stop me wanting it
Wanting to know
If it is possible for you to love me
Do you love me?
It is impossible to tell
you left me alone in this world
Am I supposed to think you care
but
you would have been miserable
if you stuck around
if you were not happy
I am glad you left
I wouldn't want that around
but
It doesn't stop the pain
It doesn't stop me hating myself
it doesn't stop the anger I feel
Why Oh Why
no
How
Do I still love you?

And for a moment, everything was quiet—
no... silent.
Nothing moved, nothing raged,
not a whisper nor wind.
A moment where time stopped at nothingness,
a perfect little moment.

How easy it is
to sink to the bottom
Relax
Exhale
Close my eyes
and just sink
Give in to fatigue
Cease my struggling
It's hard to stay afloat
But how easy it is
to sink

The first time I open my eyes
Each morning, I see you lay there

Quietly sleeping with a mind full of dreams
Undisturbed by my early rise
I surrender to the moment
Enveloped by peace and tranquillity
Radiance gleaming back at me
Only now do I understand the meaning of love.

I'm ok
Ok I'm not fine
Fine, I don't know the reason why
Why I feel so empty inside
Inside where my black heart lies
Lies I tell you to avoid explaining
Explaining the darkness I feel
Feel like I want this day to be my last
Last thing I wanted was to hurt you
You didn't want the real answer to your question
Question why you even asked
Asked me how I am today
Today I don't have the energy to hide
Hide the fact I am Struggling
Struggling to survive the days
days that get harder with each one
one more and I may not be able to carry on.

don't ask God, "where have You been?"
realise it's You
You who disappeared all those years ago.
You.
the One who forgot all there ever was

I gave up my youth, to become an adult
Now i am an adult on my own
I gave up my time to become a wealthy man
Now i am rich and alone
I gave up my life, for what i thought I wanted
but nevertheless I was mistaken
I gave up my happiness, for what i thought was success
For which i have forsaken
The path I have chosen to venture
led to my own demise
I gained everything I thought I ever wanted
A life I created, a nasty surprise.

On on
both good
Off on
you pick me up
On off
I pick you up
Off off
We stop and rest

I have been in a queue all my life
Waiting in line
Everyone else is waiting too
When I feel like I am getting close
There's another reason to let someone in front
A reason to put other people first
So I stay here
Waiting
Even when people cut the line
Jump in front and force me back
I tell myself
They must just need it more than me
I don't want to be selfish
But selflessness is getting me nowhere

I Don't Want To Be A Warrior In The Garden
Nor A Gardener In A War
Yet I Shall Rise To My Position
Of This, I Can Be Sure

As Steel Touches Steel
And Seed Touches Soil
Peasant In The Field
And King With The Royal

I Shall Grace The Gardens
Be The Gardener It Needs
Storm The Battlefields
Be The Warrior That Bleeds

I Hold It All Inside Of Me
Everything I Am And More
But The Garden Needs It's Gardener
And The Warrior Needs His War

I could have dance
I could have played
I could have chosen to laugh
all
this
time
I could of chosen to be happy.

Thoughts are soda
The Brain is a bottle
Anxiety gives it a good shake
The lid is depression
Do you feel the pressure?

What if it is me?

What if
I am what lurks in the shadows
What if
I am what scares me most
What if
I am capable of doing what others won't
What if
I am the monster under the bed
What if
I am the thing to be feared
What if
evil is me.

Women whom sing sad songs beautifully.

It's ok to stop
It's ok to slow down
I say this as I speed through my sentences
We are victims of endless pursuit
Racing to get things done only to find out that new things need doing
It doesn't end and if it doesn't end then it's infinite and if it's infinite
What's the rush?

So much to do with so little time
We fear of our finite existence
But with all this speed we lose meaning
And without meaning, why do it in the first place?

We want it now but we aren't there
And when we get what we want it isn't enough
There is always more, always something else
Another task or another priority
Another need or another want
It never ends
And if it doesn't end then its infinite
So if it's infinite
Why rush?

Yet as I scream into the empty abyss
All that echoes is my sorrow

I am not scared of thunder
The low rumbles cause no fear
but when thunder is on the table
It's my phone beckoning my ear

I am not scared of lightning
I look at the electric sky in awe
But the candescent screen terrifies me
because of the Caller ID that I saw

I am not scared of storms
the rain doesn't make me sad
but a raincloud is hanging over me
for that phone call was from my dad

I am not scared of hail
though the crystal bullets cause pain
you have never cared about me
so a call from you hurts just the same

I am not scared of hurricanes
though I think I probably should be
I'm not here to soothe your conscience
making you feel good is not my responsibility

I am not scared of the weather
for I know that it will always fluctuate
storms don't stick around for long
neither did you for the son you helped create

Today,
I disconnected from the network.
It's the most connected I have ever been.