I'll bask in the glory
Of the unknown
I'll love you so much
It'll break my bones
There's not much
I know for sure
But I surely want
To be with her

There are 1,013,913 words in the English language
None of them worthy of describing you
Or the way you make me feel
1,013,913 possible words I could use
But none properly explain how
You tear me to pieces
And stitch me back up
Using only those 1,013,913 words
As your weapon
And your cure
None of the 1,013,913 words in existence
Compare to the beauty of your smile
None of them worth while
Or needed
When your lips touch mine
No word could ever describe the 1,013,913 ways
That I fell in love with you

I am turning 18 years old
In one part of me lives a child
Full of wonder and hope
And in another lives a woman
Wise beyond her years
Neither of them fit my 18 year old body
If I am the woman
I am too mature
And too cold
And if I am the child
I am too naïve
And too trusting
I am turning 18 years old
And I'm lost in my own mind.

I miss you more than usual lately. Everything reminds me of your smile. And your eyes. And your lips. And your voice. I want to bury my face in your neck and never move. But that place that was made for me is gone like the rest of you so now I settle for snuggling my pillow. But it's not warm like you were, and it doesn't smell like city life and expensive perfume.

Kiss me with your razor lips
Say my name with your dagger tongue
Stare me down with your stone cold eyes
Rip me apart with your words
Patch me up with your lies
Love me darling
With your sinful ways
Promise me forever
With your fingers crossed
Without you, darling
I'd be lost

There's a fine, fine, line between love and a waste of time,* That lyric never had meaning to me until I was drowning in a sea of hopeless, unrequited, I love you's. I always thought it was a silly lyric until it proved to be so true. I wish I was still blissfully unaware of how dreadfully fine a line it seems to be. And how much wasted time I spent listening to you say that you loved me.

I'll think about you constantly now.. Regardless how "over you" I was. I miss the way you checked on me after I let you know I was broken. I never let you see how much I smiled when you'd go out of your way to say a few sweet words to me.
I regret never telling you just how much you meant to me, and how I was excited to go to some place I hated so deeply cause I got to see your blue eyes glance my way... even for just a moment. I wonder if you noticed  just how nervous I was when you walked my way. Everytime I tried to speak you you, I stumbled over what to say. You gave me a few near heart attacks when you'd appear out of nowhere right behind me. Just seeing you made my heart race, but when you popped out of nowhere it nearly raced out of my chest. I'm sorry I made our conversations so short. I was so sure I'd say something dumb. You deserved to hear the sweetest words and how much I cared. I regret not just swallowing my fear and running to the beat of my racing heart straight up to you and telling you how beautiful you looked. One day, years, months, maybe days from now I'll come back and say hello, and maybe our hello will turn into small talk.. And maybe our small talk will turn into meeting up for coffee and maybe coffee will turn into our third date, but until then I'll just say these few things that you'll never see.

Take another sip
Burning elixir
Careful, don't tip
Over and fall
On the floor
In front of them all
Force the laugh
Take another shot
Only half
The bottle is gone
Play a little game
With yourself
Becoming less tame
Morals tucked away on the shelf
Anything to make you feel alive
Something you've not truly felt
Since you were five
That was the year
You realized
With a single tear
You're not like the rest
You're dead inside
This part of you
You have to hide
Drags you down
Each and every day
The higher you get
The higher the price to pay
It's expensive to feel alive
But you take that plunge
You take that dive
Anything to mask the pain
To make it easier to return
Home again.

You were always told that the answers you sought were inside you... residing in your body. But you never quite knew how to get them out. You resorted to cutting yourself open, you searched the scarlet letters that poured out but none of them spelled any words. It was like you were looking at a can of alphabet soup that had spilled it's contents onto the floor. And much like that can, after you spilled your contents, you too were empty. You cleaned up the mess but the inside was hollow and you still didn't have your answers.

Oh Joan Travoolty
What a swell name you have
Would be a shame if someone were to
Mispronounce it.

I should've never looked in your eyes. I got lost in them and I still can't find my way out.

I often wonder
How people would react
If they could hear
The thoughts that trickle through
My mind
How often I tell myself
It's my fault
Everything is my fault
You're not pretty enough
Not smart enough
Not talented enough
Not nice enough
Not skinny enough
But I cannot speak
These thoughts
So instead
I could write a novel
Entitle it
Nicotine and broken dreams
And fill it with all my thoughts
It'd be written in blood
And stained with tears
Pages upon pages
Filled with hatred
And self loathing
It will be considered
Tragic and poetic
When in reality
I'm just pathetic
I mean nothing
Not a single thing
I'm unimportant
Worthless
Pointless
Good for nothing
A monster
A monster who gives her love
To everyone else
And saves none
For herself
A monster who leaves
Herself empty
And the empty spaces
Are filled with negative thoughts
That I must write down
To release

Oh the feelings you ignite
My heart like a light
I haven't felt this way
In forever, I'd say
Not sudden like the others
Been growing under the covers
Kept it inside for so long
Are these feelings so wrong?
Maybe I'm in love with your crooked smile
I pray it stays this way for a while
I don't want to fall out of whatever this may be
Somehow you feel the same about me
Maybe it'll turn out right this time
This isn't too bad of a crime
I think I've fallen for you
Yes, I think it's true
I love you my little sweet pea
I think maybe you're the one for me

People like my face bare.
I don't know if it confirms that I'm human.
Or makes you realize I'm even farther from being
Human than you originally thought
They tell me I'm beautiful even without my
Armor made of mascara and lipstick
And I've been trained to accept compliments
Graciously and without defiance
So I do, but I know that my armor
Is still all you see
My skin that I cannot shed is still armor
That protects the most beautiful
And the most hideous part of me
So until you can look into my soul
And confirm I'm still as beautiful as you say
I'll never believe you when you tell me
Just how beautiful I am.

So it's my birthday.
And all I want is to hear from you.
And to know that you're okay.
Maybe you hate me now.
Or forgot I ever existed.
But something about this day.
Has to remind you of me.
Right?

X

My coffee is bitter
But my feelings towards you taste worse
And my coffee alleviates my headaches
You just cause them

Pierce my heart
Freeze my veins  
Never let me
Feel again
Rip me in two
Shatter my soul
Toss it in
The blackest hole
Lose the color
In my lips
Turning blue
My fingertips
Bleed me out
Til I'm dry
The lowest lows
With no highs
Black roses grow
In my chest
All I want
Is to rest
I become death
And death becomes me
I may be decaying
But at least I'm doing it gracefully

Can a broken heart break?
Can crying eyes see clearly?
If I'm blind from the tears
That came from my broken heart
Then am I at the mercy of life?
Because as I lie here
Blind and broken
No self defenses
I'm helpless
Easy to break even further
Am I at the mercy of the gods?
Or is another person ******* me over?
How will I ever tell
With these tears in my eyes
I'm unable to see
Through these misty salt water lies
I'm at the mercy of something
That's not too merciful
Can you ever get out
Of the blind-broken-cycle?

Eyes.
Colored orbs
Made for sight.
Mine.
Only see your beauty
In the moon light.
Windows
To the soul
They say.
Mine.
Have a tendency
Of turning away.
Closed.
You'll fall into
A deep sleep.
Eyes.
Yours live
In the dreams I keep.

I can feel the frustration
Bubbling over
Like a shaken up soda
Got my four leaf clover
Lucky I didn't
Explode this time
I was close
To commuting that crime
Explosion of emotion
Bomb is set free
All my anger towards you
Flying out of me
I'll pay for my sins
But so will you
If that prophecy
Is even true
Be careful not to
Set me off
Cause stopping a bomb
Is proven quite tough

It's terrifying to watch her chest rise and fall
It's like she's not taking in any air at all
She lives and breathes like it doesn't matter if she dies
And behind her smiles and reassurance, there's sorrow in her eyes
She says she's fine and sometimes I think she might be
But if you look at  her closely, a broken girl is all you'll see
Her eyes are green and I think it suits her in a morbid way
Because her eyes are filled with envy when they watch other's happy smiles every day
When she tells me that it doesn't hurt anymore, I can see her hands shake
And when she falls into a dreamless sleep, I can hear her heart break
She walks through the streets with her head held high
But I think she just likes imagining being somewhere over the rainbow, past the grey sky
She's barely held together and fragile as can be
And the hardest part of it all is that she is me.

Broken piano
I play no tune
You try to play
Clair de lune
On my keys
Of ivory and black
Beautiful outside
But inside they lack
They won't hit
The right note
They get caught
In my throat

Love is a two way street
And I won't walk down it
If you're not in the middle to meet
I won't put in all the effort anymore
I won't feel any remorse
When I look in your eyes & slam the door
So go ahead & take two hours to reply
I won't bother responding at all
Nor will I be around to watch you cry
You'll wake up every morning with a cup of regret
And I'll walk happily along my way
And you, I'll so easily forget

Does it hurt when I walk by?
Knowing I don't give **** when you cry
You told me I was nothing but a *****
But don't play my game if you can't ******* pitch
Your emotional abuse doesn't work anymore
You can call me a ****, a fake, a *****
Call me what you want babe, but the tables turned
Cause this time you'll be the one to get burned
I took your **** for so long
Thought that if I stood up for myself it was wrong
Now I realize I don't have to put up with you
No matter what ******* you try and guilt me into
I'm not your ******* toy so don't try and play me
Cause it won't end well for you, baby.
So do me a favor and move the **** along
Cause my patience for you won't last long

Sure I adore you. I always have. You're handsome and sweet. And always seemed to understand me. But I've never liked the way girls throw themselves at you. Or the way you always got what you wanted. But you liked that about me. The way I never gave you what you asked for. And that I never threw myself at you. You told me it was endearing. And that you respected me. And I respected you too. And I was honest with you. I told you I enjoyed the company of other girls more than I enjoyed the company of men. And you told me that didn't matter and that you liked me all the same. I told you I got scared and that I didn't know if I could go on. And you told me you cared for me and that I could tell you anything. So I told you the offer extends both ways. And then you graduated and I moved away and even though I don't see you anymore I still think of you sometimes. The boy who made me smile in a dark time. The boy I actually truly loved. Not necessarily in a romantic way. But in a way that I knew that you were meant to be in my life for a while. And I'm happy you were.

There's a cage around my heart
But I can't find the key
I need to release it
So I can be free
I'm the owner of a caged heart
I can't love with these chains
These restraints are only good
For inflicting pain
With each beat of my pulse
The cage becomes more constricting
Life with a caged heart
Isn't worth living

You can call me winter
I'm cold and unforgiving
Beautiful and dangerous
Harsh and untamed
My heart's not warm
It's frigid and blue
They call me winter
Because of you

Joy is David Bowie blaring on my record player. Show tunes pouring from my speakers and my lungs. Dancing to Come on Eileen at two a.m. Getting lost in a library. How I revert to being seven every time I go to Disney World. Happiness is when my fan mail reaches my favorite broadway star and they send me a signed playbill. Breakfast for dinner. Giving to someone and asking nothing in return. Knowing every word to my favorite films. Learning new things and discovering old things. Kitty paws and fuzzy cat bellies. Getting packages in the mail. Beauty is in an old book that's been worn with someone's love of it's story. Strangers who smile at you. People talking about their passions. Museums. Owls in flight that look like mystical creatures. Fairy tales and the people who believe in them.

There's so much to smile about.

Soft melodies
Float through my memories
Your image dances and sways
Through my head it plays
Breaks through my internal storm
Turns an icy cold, fiery and warm
The bells I hear
Bring you near
I yearn to always remember
The warmth in my veins, like an ember
The closer you get to me
The more beautiful the melody
Sparks ignite
A blinding light
Darkness fades into the moon
A promise assures you'll be here soon
I feel you now in this instance
Our love carries us through the distance
My soul contentedly entwines with yours
All I can hear is love's soft roars
Brought together clandestinely
To become one is our destiny.

So many strange coincidences
So frequently
That I almost believe
They are not coincidences
At all.

confidence
something I've not yet mastered
confidence is only doable
when I'm plastered
confidence
says more than words themselves
confidence is a book
that I tucked on the highest shelves
confidence
the unread page
confidence in the book of social skills
why learn it when I've got these pills?

My heart continues beating
My mind continues wandering
My lips continue to sing
My lungs continue breathing
I am without you
But I continue to live
You told me I couldn't
And I believed you
My thoughts told me I'd die
If you weren't here
And I believed them
But here I am
On my own
And still living

I've started wishing again
Stars, eyelashes
Wishbones, 11:11
Creating pictures from the ashes
I doodle your name
In the pages of my heart
To me you are
More beautiful than any work of art
You are the sun
To my rain
You take away
Every ounce of pain
Will you be mine?
Will you love my mind
And my fragile
Soul as it gently unwinds
In your hands
You can mold it
To any shape or form you please
My heart, you can hold it
I trust you
With every inch of my being
In my dreams
It's you I'm seeing
I
Crave
You

I live by the light of the moon
Dancing underneath the castles in the sky
The night's beauty makes me swoon
And I fell for her mid July
The call of day comes in with the tide
I run from daylight's kiss
In caverns I hide
Because I only live in darkness
When the sun shines bright I can't see
Through squinted eyes
There's no beauty around me
But through the lunar skies
Love reigns supreme
The dark and I together
We make quite a team

I am not afraid of dying
I'm already dead
Fear is imaginary
It's made up in your head
But I envy those who are afraid
Of the absence of life known as death
Because they have something to live for
Before they take their last breath
If death is the absence of life
Then I've already been dead for a while
Life hasn't been around for some years
Left me alone and took my ability to smile
Death is painless
Incredibly easy to slip into
That numb feeling
That death creates in you
I'm a ghost among the living
No joy to be had
But being so very dead
Isn't so very bad
I feel nothing
No pain, no fear, no joy
I was nothing to life
Just another human toy
I was nothing all along
Life is just a beautiful lie
Death made me see the truth
Through my own soulless eye
No one really cared
All I felt was pain
Death let me see the light
Through life's darkness and rain

Dear High School Me,

Freshman -
It's not you. It's not your fault. You are who you are and don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. Don't change yourself to please them, it won't work. You'll be accepted, but still held at bay. You'll never truly be accepted by them, and that's okay. You don't need their acceptance. You are human, and so are they. They aren't better than you, and you aren't lesser than them.

Sophomore -
You've accepted yourself, congratulations! Focus on that during the rocky times. This year will be the hardest one of your life. You'll try to end your life before it can begin. The present is painful, but the future is beautiful... Focus on that. The "weird" behaviors you have right now are coping mechanisms, don't be too ******* yourself. Your body is trying to protect you. Let it. When they follow you into the bathroom and you feel like you're in danger, listen to that feeling. Don't start blaming yourself, none of this is your fault. When they stalk you, and tell you that they're broken and utterly in love with you even though they've never met you before, that is a sign of psychosis, not a sign that you need to fix them. Don't let them guilt you into doing things you don't want to. This year will end, things will start to look up.

Junior - Don't let her guilt you into befriending your stalker. Use your backbone, you have one for a reason. You're allowed to dislike people. Especially people who stalked you. (seriously self, *** were you thinking?) Sing. Sing loudly and sing proudly. Don't be scared. This is what you love. Keep looking up. You will get out of this town this year. You'll go to a place where people accept you. You'll find your passions. You'll find yourself again.

Senior - This is your year of recovery. Use it wisely, but don't be scared when it comes to an end. You can't put off life forever.

Dear Present Me, you're a performer. You adore theatre. You have goals and passions and you're in college perusing them. You're singing, and learning, and loving, and laughing, and being you. And I am so, so, proud of you.

Decorations
That's all they are
Little pink
Decorations
Raised bits
Of my skin
Adorn my arm
The same way
Ornaments
Adorn
A Christmas tree
Decorations
My scars are
Decorating me

I suppose it's possible to just disappear
In a world of six billion people
But I promise you that you'll never
Disappear from my heart

I paint my nails a dark color
To hide the blood under my nails
I apply my makeup every morning
To give life to my sleepy tear soaked eyes
I wear long pants
To conceal the cuts on my thighs
I wear long sleeves
To cover up the scars that adorn my arms
I paint on a smile
To distract from the sadness that truly lies there
I am the master of disguise
You look at me and don't expect a thing
I'm wonderful at covering up
All this pain I'm harboring.

Off to Disney
Haven't been since I was five
Guaranteed to be happy
If you keep the magic alive

Where are you when I need you?
You're not around
Just shut the **** up.
Don't make a sound
When I'm dead
Don't you dare cry
When I'm looking down
Your lashes better be dry
I know your tears are all for show
Guilt mixed in there too
But when I was in need
Where were you?
I called out to you
Crying your name
Needing the comfort
That never came
So now when I'm gone
Don't cry for me
Go on living
And leave me be
Don't say I was beautiful
Don't say how much you cared
Because if you did
Wouldn't you have been there?
Don't say it's so sad
For someone so young
Don't let that bull
Slip past your tongue
Don't open your mouth
To say that you loved me
Because let's face it
Did you, really?

Please.
For my sake and yours too.
Don't ******* love me.
Cause I can't promise I'll love you back.
And I can't promise I won't get attached.
The only thing I can promise,
Is that it won't be fair for you.
And it'll tear me to pieces
Because one part of me
Feels bad for not loving you
Like you love me
But the other part
Doesn't want you to stop
So please.
Just don't ******* love me.
Because I've built too many walls
Around my heart
And I can't tear them down
And I'd never ask you to
So don't ask me to let down my hair
And let you in.
Don't ask me to huff and puff
And blow my walls down
Because I'm not a princess in a tower
And I'm not the big bad wolf
I'm just a broken china doll
And my pieces are jagged
And I know you'll get cut
One one of my edges
So just spare us both the pain
And don't ******* try to love me.

"Here I go falling down down down..."
I run from love
Like a kid hiding from the seeker
I don't want to be found
The farther I run
The deeper I fall
I forget who I am
Where I've been
And why I was even running
To begin with
But before I can remember to run again
It catches up and grabs me from behind
And I fall
"Deep into the funnel of love"

The worlds hazy hue
Beneath my purple tinted shades
Thinking of you
Makes me want to give up the blades
My lipstick stained cigarette
Between my lips
You let
Me put my hands on your hips
Steal the cigarette with a kiss
Inhale the smoke
Little miss
I've got half a pack cause I'm too broke
To buy anymore
I'd give my last to you
Rob the convenience store
If you wanted me to
Bite marks on your collar bone
The scent of your skin
Smells like home
Pop a pill out of the little tin
Kiss me gently
Push it in my mouth
In the back of your Bentley
While we travel down south

I'm doused in pink
And people think
That I'm weak
If my palette was bleak
Would you think me strong?
You'd think wrong
I'm made of steel
And quick to heal
I may be covered in bows
But heaven knows
This princess is tough
My edges might not be rough
I may look like a fragile flower
But I hold so much power
My femininity doesn't make me
Some weak little daisy
Beautiful yet tough, like diamonds & pearls
Just like the girls with ribbons and curls

I had forgotten
Your existence entirely
But last night I dreamt
Of you and me
It was dizzying
And a lovely sight to see
In the midst of my wonderland
You grabbed my hands and kissed me
Maybe I was tired
And my brain wasn't thinking clearly
Or maybe last night as I slept
You just so happened to think of me
And I felt myself in your mind
Dancing through your memory
I loved you all this time
And I love you still, baby

You've become one of those memories that I can't remember whether or not I dreamed up, or it actually happened. I can feel my heart aching for you and my mind doubting itself. Were you ever even real? Were you just some beautiful nightmare I dreamed into reality? Will I ever dream of you again? Or will I one day see you on the street and be overwhelmed by the fact that you were as real as the love I felt for you?