I miss you more than usual lately. Everything reminds me of your smile. And your eyes. And your lips. And your voice. I want to bury my face in your neck and never move. But that place that was made for me is gone like the rest of you so now I settle for snuggling my pillow. But it's not warm like you were, and it doesn't smell like city life and expensive perfume.

There are 1,013,913 words in the English language
None of them worthy of describing you
Or the way you make me feel
1,013,913 possible words I could use
But none properly explain how
You tear me to pieces
And stitch me back up
Using only those 1,013,913 words
As your weapon
And your cure
None of the 1,013,913 words in existence
Compare to the beauty of your smile
None of them worth while
Or needed
When your lips touch mine
No word could ever describe the 1,013,913 ways
That I fell in love with you

It's been three months
Four?
I don't know anymore
I have some hope
But it's fading fast
I wanted us to last
I'm scared
What's happened to you?
Do you still think of me too?
I miss your laugh
The way you smile
You know dear, it's been a while
I still have a place
In my heart for you
You have to know that much is true
I may not have a spot in yours
But I love you just the same
I just don't know if I can play this game

Tell me I'm stupid
Ugly, or that I don't matter
Tell me I'm worthless
That I'm getting fatter
But don't tell me
That I'm not trying hard enough
Because the **** I'm going through
Is pretty rough
And I'm doing my best
And giving it my all
And it's not my fault
You only notice when I fall

Where are you when I need you?
You're not around
Just shut the **** up.
Don't make a sound
When I'm dead
Don't you dare cry
When I'm looking down
Your lashes better be dry
I know your tears are all for show
Guilt mixed in there too
But when I was in need
Where were you?
I called out to you
Crying your name
Needing the comfort
That never came
So now when I'm gone
Don't cry for me
Go on living
And leave me be
Don't say I was beautiful
Don't say how much you cared
Because if you did
Wouldn't you have been there?
Don't say it's so sad
For someone so young
Don't let that bull
Slip past your tongue
Don't open your mouth
To say that you loved me
Because let's face it
Did you, really?

Lonely
L for leaves that fell too early
O for orange colors speckled in with green
N for new buds forming on rose bushes
E for ever changing scenery
L for lazy Sundays spent in the meadow
Y for young flowers sprouting
Lonely me.
In a lonely world.

I buy myself nice things
And go nice places
All to fill this gaping hole in my heart
I continually try and fill it up
With little things
Empty promises
Beautiful lies
Yet the hole only grows bigger
And consumes what I try to fill it with
Like a ravenous animal
And I end up empty hearted
Like usual.

You can call me winter
I'm cold and unforgiving
Beautiful and dangerous
Harsh and untamed
My heart's not warm
It's frigid and blue
They call me winter
Because of you

I think you're beautiful
And quite interesting, too
I'd be overjoyed to spend
Even a few moments with you
I think of you quite frequently
What it'd be like if I were yours
But we're so distant
I'm scared to open those doors

**** me
I don't deserve to live
I pick at my self
In a desperate search
To find the beauty within
But all I'm left with
Is a hollow heart
Broken and used
Completely torn apart
I'm not beautiful
Nor pretty
Nor skinny
Nor funny
I'm nothing
Invisible
Disgusting
Good for nothing
Self loathing
Maybe I am something
I'm nothing to you
And nothing to me
A shell full of nothing
A something
And that something
Is me

The sun may see me every day
But the moon knows me
In every way
She knows how many tears it takes
To soak my pillow
She calls to me like a friend
Her little weeping willow
She knows the blood that trails
Down my skin
She knows I patch myself up
Only to begin all this again
She knows how desperately
I'm trying to fly to her
Like a little plane
Made of paper
She knows one day
I'll make it
I'll fly up to her
And there I won't have to fake it
The smile I paint on
For the sun
I'll start my new adventure with the moon
And the one down here can be done.

I take a cigarette out of the pack
Flip it over and put it back
I don't even smoke
And I'm too broke
To try and start
But there's this feeling in my heart
Of loneliness and I'm scared
But this nicotine makes me feel like someone cares
So I puff and listen to the sounds of the city
Wishing I felt pretty
Like the lights that dance on the asphalt
And I know it's my fault
That I feel this way
But there's too much I need to say
To get out of this black hole
& I'm not sure I have enough strength in my soul
Filled with smoke and nicotine
And I'm barely eighteen
And I don't know if I can live a lifetime like this
Completely and utterly emotionless

I'm scared. Yeah I'll admit it. I'm ******* scared. I got my first job today. And in doing that I realized why I waited so long to get one. Because it ******* terrifies me. Inside I tricked myself into thinking that I was still ten years old, without a care in the world. But now I'm working. Clocking in and out. Making money to live. And it's scary as hell. To be ripped out of your comfort zone and spoon fed a dose of reality. I'm 17. But I'd give anything to be 16 again. Just rewind me back a year or a few. Im 17. I'm not supposed to feel like this. I'm supposed to be excited. At least that's what I've been told. But instead I'm sitting alone in my room crying over growing up. And I'm scared of that.

Oh the all too familiar lump in my throat
Salty tears well up in my eyes
Sharp pain in my chest
Heartbreak over your web of lies
You speak hollow words
From an empty soul
But you fill them up with charm
Until you fill up the hole
A silver tongued snake
Hissing your *******
Weighing on me until I break
Shattered, torn, and bruised
You leave me in my kingdom of sorrow
I hate you
But I'll love you again tomorrow.

I want to trace your outline with my eyes
Burn the shape permanently into my mind
I'll listen to your little sighs
As we kiss and you begin to unwind

Turning into an adult is somewhat reminiscent of the plague
I tried my best to stop the virus from spreading
I held onto my childhood like my life line
I desperately protected and nursed the flickering ember of youth in my soul
But even with such careful and tentative behavior
I found myself sipping on a dark roasted brew
Letting acidic bitterness of coffee burn my throat
And planning for college, my future
Planning out ways to achieve my goals
And making rational decisions like no child ever would
And as I stare at the purple hues that look like a dark watercolor painting under my eyes
I realize that I've caught the plague
This horrid plague of adulthood
I grew up too quickly
Far before any of my peers
And maybe it's because I fought it so hard that it took hold of me and infected me so mercilessly
But regardless of how or why it happened the way that it did, I am here now, exhausted and defeated, staring my fears in the face.

I'm so insecure
Deeply unsure
Scared to my core
Can't take it anymore
Heart's on the floor
Every day's a chore
Can't make it to the door
Who am I living for?

Pierce my heart
Freeze my veins  
Never let me
Feel again
Rip me in two
Shatter my soul
Toss it in
The blackest hole
Lose the color
In my lips
Turning blue
My fingertips
Bleed me out
Til I'm dry
The lowest lows
With no highs
Black roses grow
In my chest
All I want
Is to rest
I become death
And death becomes me
I may be decaying
But at least I'm doing it gracefully

Constant voices envelop my brain
I can't enjoy the silence
When the screaming won't refrain

Could you at least stay goodbye? I can't seem to shake the feeling you're still here. And it'll be easier if you just drain me of this poisonous hope that courses through my veins for you. I know you're not coming back. I know you've left me without so much as a farewell. I know you're oblivious to the way you've made my life Hell. But ******, you must know somewhere in that brain of yours that you hurt me. I don't even want some pathetic apology. I want you to pierce my heart with the words I need to hear. Tell me you don't love me and tell me you don't care. Tell me that and **** the part of me that still holds on to loving you. It's been months. I've known you for years. I think I at least deserve a goodbye.

Two AM.
I'm writing poetry.
In bed.
Two AM.
I'm writing to you.
In my head.
Two AM.
I'm sleep deprived.
Drinking coffee.
Two AM.
Shaking the sleep.
Off of me.

Who am I?
I could tell you my name
Or the year I was born
But it's all the same
I'm not telling you who I am
With an answer like that one
It's just my label
The name I was given
Who I am
Isn't so easily obtained
Who I am
Is me when I'm playing in the rain
Who I am
Is my tears that fall
Who I am
Is my fearlessness to stand tall
Who I am
Is not just a name
Who I am
Is my inner flame

You won't care until I'm dying

I have a hole in the crook of my arm where they drained me of my blood
They're wondering just what exactly is wrong with me

This may sound morbid
But I know that unless I'm dying
                             You won't care

So my body is killing itself
Because it's just as tired as I am of you not caring.

I have grown so accustomed to being alone
I crave the solitary nature
But I wouldnt mind spending alone time with you
And planning out our future
Because you're not just another human
So carelessly wasting my time
You're a part of me
And I'd love to call you mine.

It's hard to put my finger on what's wrong with me
What really is hurting me
It's like having a knife in your back
But you just can't find it
So when I'm asked by others
"Well what's making you sad?"
I stumble over my words
And trip over my thoughts
And search for answers
That I just can't seem to grasp
Because I truly don't know
I can't explain how I'm feeling
With the words that I know
It's like asking me to explain the color yellow
To someone who's never seen it before
It's not something I can tell you
To truly understand you'd have to feel it
And see it with your own eyes
But I'd never wish that upon anyone
So I guess I'll never have an answer
And you'll never understand
What's really making me sad
Is more than I can explain
To understand it, you'd have to feel my pain

Oh the feelings you ignite
My heart like a light
I haven't felt this way
In forever, I'd say
Not sudden like the others
Been growing under the covers
Kept it inside for so long
Are these feelings so wrong?
Maybe I'm in love with your crooked smile
I pray it stays this way for a while
I don't want to fall out of whatever this may be
Somehow you feel the same about me
Maybe it'll turn out right this time
This isn't too bad of a crime
I think I've fallen for you
Yes, I think it's true
I love you my little sweet pea
I think maybe you're the one for me

I should've never looked in your eyes. I got lost in them and I still can't find my way out.

Hello.. I miss you
More than I ever could've imagined
Memories are flooding my brain
Is this part of the healing process?
Who knew it'd take six months to heal
I just don't understand
I have so many questions that you left unanswered
Did you forget about me?
Did I really mean so little to you?
Did I do something wrong?
Are you ignoring me on purpose?
Do you really not know how much you meant to me?
Mean to me...?

I'm not me for you.
I didn't cut my hair for you.
I didn't put on mascara for you.
I didn't put on this dress for you.
I didn't put on my heels for you.
I didn't write this poem for you.
I'm not living for you.
I'm living for me.
So drop your narcissity.

I had forgotten
Your existence entirely
But last night I dreamt
Of you and me
It was dizzying
And a lovely sight to see
In the midst of my wonderland
You grabbed my hands and kissed me
Maybe I was tired
And my brain wasn't thinking clearly
Or maybe last night as I slept
You just so happened to think of me
And I felt myself in your mind
Dancing through your memory
I loved you all this time
And I love you still, baby

I don't like to write all my feelings down poetically. I can only turn sad stuff into pretty poems. But when it comes to the content melancholy feelings it's something better left directly said. I'm not happy. But I'm not exactly sad either. I'm exceedingly emotionless. I'm not even sure if that's a good state or a bad state to be in. I suppose it's at least a clear state to be in. You can see things for what they are. You're not blinded by happiness nor are you shrouded in sadness. So I guess melancholy isn't so bad.

I'll send you away just like I do with everyone else
I care about you so I'll push you away
As hard as it may be, I won't let you close to me
I can't afford to get hurt so I'll keep you at bay

There's a cage around my heart
But I can't find the key
I need to release it
So I can be free
I'm the owner of a caged heart
I can't love with these chains
These restraints are only good
For inflicting pain
With each beat of my pulse
The cage becomes more constricting
Life with a caged heart
Isn't worth living

"Here I go falling down down down..."
I run from love
Like a kid hiding from the seeker
I don't want to be found
The farther I run
The deeper I fall
I forget who I am
Where I've been
And why I was even running
To begin with
But before I can remember to run again
It catches up and grabs me from behind
And I fall
"Deep into the funnel of love"

I've never felt such yearning... To just march up to you and declare that I love you with every fibre of my being. But no matter how much I yearn to set my adoration free and take that weight off my shoulders, I have shackles holding me back. Iron shackles created from pure fear. Fear of the reaction that you'll give. I'm not scared of telling you, in fact I've never been so eager to tell anyone that I loved them in my life. But I'm terrified of what you'll say in return, because I can almost guarantee that the answer will not be "I love you, too."

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to stumble upon my poetry some day.
I want you to know how much of this I write for you, and you alone.
I write out the words I can never seem to say.
And I don't have the courage to call you on the telephone.
I love you.
More than the night loves the stars.
I need you.
More than New York City needs subway cars.
I miss you.
More than the moon misses the sun.
I ache for you.
More than legs ache after they run.

Young girl
Can't keep her eyes open
The world's much too loud
And she's too soft spoken
Young girl
Can't help but to cry
She's too wise for her age
Sees right through the lie
Young girl
Too fragile for this world
Just like a porcelain doll
With her hair curled
Young girl
Run away from it all
Don't look back
And be careful not to fall

If I carve out my heart
Maybe it'll stop the pain
If I slice my wrists
Maybe I'll never have to breathe again
I'm done
I can't take it anymore
I've had my fun
But now I'm closing the door
On my life
I'm afraid this is goodbye
Don't pretend that you loved me
And don't you dare cry
I'm gone
Im sorry I guess
I couldn't take it any longer
Couldn't handle the stress

Anger doesn't begin to describe this
I'm beyond disappointed
Bewildered at your ability to hold an act for so long.
You lied and lied and lied
And lied some ******* more.
Well congratulations, you're the fake of the century.
And I'm ******* hurt.

"Forget regret or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today."

Live for the moment
Shoot for the stars
Dream it and do it
Let's take what's ours
Don't worry about tomorrow
For it's yet to come
Forget all your sorrow
Make life fun
You only have today
Don't waste it on strife
Forget what people say
And live your life

Don't worry
I'll be gone very soon
I'll disappear into wherever it may be
I'm very sorry
I troubled you
It'll never happen again
That I can swear to
I won't speak
Or breathe your way
I won't be able to
I'm too far gone
You can't reel me in
Let me sink
This is the end
Of me
The little girl
With too much hope
Reality hit her hard
She just couldn't cope

Once you've come to terms with dying
You stop checking for monsters under the bed
If they **** you, you won't mind
Besides, they live in your head
No more looking both ways
When you cross a busy street
If they hit you, maybe you'll die
You think as you stare down at your feet
No point in reading how many pills
You're supposed to take
You take the whole bottle
Maybe you'll finally break
Are accidents still accidents
If they're purposely done?
What if you accidentally
Shot that loaded gun

Do I dare?
Tell you how I feel?
Should I?
How do I show that it's real?
My love?
Do I let it be known?
For you?
Can you see how it's grown?
Can I?
Let the words come out?
Will I?
Why am I so filled with doubt?  
Love?
Shouldn't it be easy?
Please?
Promise you won't tease me?
Will you?
Let me know?
Do you love me?
Like winter loves snow?

Can I stop the clock?
This is all happening too fast.
So much doubt
I'm not ready
Maybe I'll never be
Give me a few more years
I still remember becoming a teen
Adulthood seemed like forever away
But now it's hanging over my head
Like a menacing black cloud
Threatening to pour down on me any second
I've never been so scared
Of not having enough time
Why did I rush this?
Why was I such a fool?
Carelessly wishing my life away
One short year at a time
Now I've played all my cards
And I've nowhere left to hide
The time is upon me
I can feel it inside
My terrified heart
That beats in tandem
With the ticking of the clock
An internal reminder
Of impending disaster

I'm a corpse
Pretending to be alive
Just waiting
For my black chariot to arrive
To take me away
Down below the sea
Drowning under
My black veil of misery

I have an unhealthy distaste for spring
All the feelings it seems to bring
Every year I feel the same again
I watch flowers bloom with disdain
Spring fever poisons the minds of others
But I hide from this disease under the covers
I long for winter and fall
Spring makes me feel so small
In the warmer months I grow old
Maybe that's why I yearn for the cold
Every year I bid winter adieu  
And wait for her to return anew
I wish I could follow her wherever she wanders
Maybe my spring times wouldn't be so somber