When you have b.p.d you can't really control your emotions.
Everything hits you like a wave.
And you can't take it all in because
It's exactly like being hit by a wave.
You panic, and try to grab hold of
The ground to keep you from going
Deeper but your grip loosen and the next thing you know you're neck deep.

I am quick to cry and to anger
and people think I'm strange.
They don't see how hard I try to control it,
I know I'm seen as deranged.

Emotions can be overbearing
and it's difficult to stay quiet
when someone upsets me
It's simply not easy to hide it.

I guessed for a long time that the issue was with me.
But I thought I could watch maybe learn their technique.
For keeping a cool head when things get heated.
Instead of losing it over nothing and feeling totally defeated.

I was wrong it turned out.
I don't have breaks I have border as in
borderline personality disorder.

I got a diagnosis
and was incredibly afraid
that people would treat me like someone
who'd contracted the plague.
While I wasn't right,
I wasn't totally wrong,
mental illness is unfortunately
still mostly ignored.

If I was unwell with a headache,
people would ask
'Are you okay?'
'Here I've got Panadol Actifast.'
But when the ills
In the mind and I say
'I'm feeling down'
9 times out of 10 people get freaked out.

So it's tough when you're shamed
For having a disorder
A lot of normal people suffer
So could your son or daughter.
So next time you hear someone say
'I'm feeling down.'
Do me one favour
and please,
just don't freak out.

It's hard enough already dealing
with this day to day
without having friends
turn their backs and walk away.

watching you walk away
was like a bullet in my chest
you told me you wished me
nothing but the best

but how could that exist?
without the one thing I need
how can I follow
if you aren’t there to lead?

and who’s going to protect
me from everything bad?
who’s going to dry my tears
when I am terribly sad?

I bet you never thought
of that did you?
a bullet in my chest
it shot straight through

shot straight to my
still beating heart
took away my life
so away you start

off to be free of the burden
I was upon you
so you shot me in the heart
& it went right through.

I don't remember, any more,
The exact shape of your hands
As I held them in mine,
Caressed them,
Memorized the length of your fingers,
The depth of your calluses.

I don't remember, any more,
Exactly your height, how much
Taller than me
You were, where
My head rested on your chest
When you held me tightly close.

I don't remember, any more,
Your scent, when we lay together
Creating our own
Magic rhythm,
Matching our heartbeats as we
Touched the sky, together.

I don't remember, any more,
The sound of your voice, calling
My name as though
It were a song
Within itself, a precious treasure
You valued with all your being.

And I don't remember, any more,
The color of your eyes, the shape
Of your lips,
Only...
How your eyes crinkled at the corners
And your laugh, as you told me,

"I love you."

they tell me "fake a smile and thats the way"
they don't live this isolated and discarded style.
not by choice
as i cut flesh as that is my medicine of choice.
i cannot be fake or have to be so...
shun me... I've already been left like trash for pick up day.
talk about your lovers, show off your photos, and never answer a letter.
as the tears fall upon this blade
as the skin tears and it distracts the pain
Crazy.
live my confined and abused up life and then that game you can play.
my age might be a barrier
my looks
or some excuse like such...
I've heard it all and hit too many road blocks..
i want out of this hell....so badly....
and miss the sun shine so **** much.
i never needed sympathy
i never needed silence
or remarks of faking a smile...
think of why, if you care and truly understand these words....
i need a true friend to support me
not just this knife which is my new prescription..
isn't Mr. sun  real enough to set this imprisoned
soul free?!