I knew my father's death-date before I knew his birthday.  Felt a hint of shame in saying that, but he wasnt around, nothing to celebrate.  I was under the impression he didn't want me, so I left even the thought of knowing him behind.  I held resentment buired in my heart for a long time, dormant, for he didn't often cross my mind.  When tensions were high as a child sometimes I would get the, "...live with your father." threats...but what would scare me most about that was leaving my friends.  
  A few myspace messages are all we had, but through it I got to see how you represented yourself.  Warm and caring.  You definitely liked to have fun, but while you were able, you were there for those that needed you for love.  Mom, as I got older, would trip out over the resemblance...but beyond looks; voice&personality.  Your birthday is December 12th, and I get to celebrate it at a rap show with friends in New Orleans.  12/12...one two one two, the hip-hop in me once breathed in the hip-hop in you.  Today is ten years, wild how fast the time flies.  No longer though do I sit and wonder why.  Feel free to press send on the message from the heaven you settled in.  
   We met for three days when you came to visit ma n me while I was 3.  1+2, 1+2...3, 3.  I must be being watched over by a 33rd degree - angel.  Your loss was painful.  I'm still learning how to heal & study angles from the pool table.   Seriously playful, but I had to learn to pick up self whenever my head would hang low.   Christmas 2008 was planned for...but November 16th brought too much snow.  Yeah, it blows.  But I've already had my sadness overdose.  We were getting close to being close, but your absence in life taught me how to grow.  Taught me how to stay warm when your environment is cold.  Just wish I could hear your thoughts of all you'd want me to know.  Still, energy forever flows, this book is never closed.
           Love you pops

November 16 tends to be heavy for me, but I say, not this one.  I didn't really get any quality sleep but I will make the day fun.  Start a new job i was offered 2 weeks ago, after being interviewed hungover on my day of birth.  My only gift to you was consent for cremation being the sun ☀ that was born first.  The new moon last night lifted any remaining curse, and gave power to future spells.  1 2 1 2 you already know the groove being Sagittarius born on 12/12.  Twelve is also the number of years today you have been out of your shell.  Yet I know you've been there for me spiritually when I've slipped and fell. Been twelve years since you left this material plane, but I know you know, eye spoke to you the other day.

I love you.  Thank you for allowing me opportunity to live again. 💜

It's now time to literally sing, time to open up my heart and let my voice ring.  The music is my passion and I wear as if it's an everyday fashion that'll never go out of style.  As for singing in front of people though, it's honestly been awhile.  Gonna give 'em a big smile, let out a joke so my nerves aren't all riled and relieve some tension.  Gotta give it my all, but that really goes without mention.

I see things everyday to potentially get me ******, I want to change it but what hurts the most is rarely do I really feel missed.  Bliss gets whisked away, and though I try to get by my mind goes into disarray.  I want to go out and play, have some fun outside of this hole, but not much is ever really under my control. I binge and cringe at how my past actions could've left me.   Girls and friends came and went, and there were times I felt like a deadbeat.  From what I wasn't told, 22 really is old. But I feel so much older. Words are actions too, and they can crush you like a boulder. I'm almost always cold and want something to warm my soul before this world chips too much at my head for it to take it's toll.  I always want to know but I get ever more aware how much the truth really hurts.  I guess it's best to take it when it comes in little spurts so you can at least prepare yourself for the road up ahead.  Maybe it's miniscule, to you, things that were said.  For me it was more than trivial, and boom, another scar to my head.  I don't wanna give you the wrong idea but so much of our everyday is left unclear and what's worse than feeling of fear is the probability of the actions behind it.  In life I have learned the hard way though that whatever happens, there'll be a day I won't mind it.

In my dream, I was at a best friend's house.  I noticed his neighbor's family outside in the backyard and wanted to tell them goodbye, for I'd be moving.  The youngest, was among the most adorable little girls I've ever seen/heard.  She said, "Ryan, come see how many cupcakes taller I got!" I chatted with her more than any other, and she seemed to grow sad and quiet due to me having to relocate.  Next thing I know, I'm in a war zone in what I believe to be the middle East, waiting for the moment when the bullets start flying.  I realize I've been here before.  Armed only with a pistol, it was me and few others in this room that seemed very unsafe...the walls seemed thick, yet there were 3 very big windows.  Holes in the walls accompanied by rattling noises were flooding my senses.  I made eye contact with a nearby "enemy" as he aimed the end of his turret at me.  Immediately I ran to a corner out of his gaze, as bullets whizzed past me, missing my body by mere inches.  Others joined me in that corner, hoping to remain safe.  I felt fear, and reflected on this morning - of me telling my girlfriend that I saw us both getting ready for our wedding.  Just then, in the arms of an older woman immediately in front of me, was this little girl looking so deeply inside my soul.  She seemed so similar to the little girl who wanted to show me how many cupcakes taller she was.. I decided right then to take very deep breaths and provide a sense of calm.  I kept repeating to myself "We're not gonna die today.."

I woke up.

A boy drags his feet along aged train tracks uncomfortably alone.
He wonders as he wanders if he'll ever find the deserved sanctuary he can call home.

A drone in a buzzing society, looking past all you see.
Nothing but a suitcase in hand, some would call him free.

But he's lost.  

No GPS or CVS will show him what he needs.
Wallowing in his own misery looking into the night sky with greed.
Is satisfaction, another happening that only comes in threes?
While the melancholy waves rush at him in one-hundred fifteens?

..116

He spots a leaf, only one on the tree, and immediately it falls.
He has a phone, on silence mode because he doesn't answer anymore calls.  
You see he's traveled many greens just to see that the other side wasn't better.
All this time he contemplates mistakes whether or not he should regret her.  
He won't forget her.  
Taken over his mind, surely he's let her.
He bets her life is much better than his own.
Sitting on the side of the crossroads he tried to express how he felt in stone

Unable to grasp any clear emotion, at last he grabs what he's held on to all this time.
This suitcase of his, an eternal abyss, of all that which he'd coped with through rhyme.
The baggage he claims, that have been the remains, of every action he's ever endured.
A riddle was placed on the lock to keep safe, until the time in which he knew he was sure.

"What pumps you up and slows you down, brings forth smiles, but also frowns?"

He thought about it for a minute and heard a coyote howl
Suddenly jumped up from fear, looked around and then let out a smile.  

He knew then, as the tempo to his beat decreased that it was his heart.
The suitcase burst open, and once he looked in,
Realized he was blessed from the start.  
Hard drives worth of memories led him to sin
But also the epiphany that home was always within, and not so far apart.

Feelings burst out and wrapped up his being like a blanket not meant for security.
Embracing reality and letting go of miscues he's intertwined with a glowing sense of purity.
Bloated on love he rises above, and flows on with the wind much like a free balloon.
Sincerity to himself and the world around him made the corners of his mouth curl up to the moon.

The future's unknown but now he'll always be home,
With his heart beating comfortably.
He misses them all, will soon return all phone calls,
Knowing he found where he's meant to be

There's never been any cue cards, and if there were, the mind would probably try reading inbetween the lines.
Impermanently permanent.
Imperfectly perfect.
Gloriously insignificant.
The formation of lights have and will always mean everything to me.
There's no color paint I can't appreciate.  The canvas keeps stretching, faster than we candash our brush strokes.
A symphony of whimpers abruptly ends after yellow illuminates their surroundings.
The green never felt so full of life until it absorbed the blue.
A tree formed, & together they grew.
Layer upon layer, note on note stacked until the slowly vibrating chord echoed through the cosmos; infinitely cleansing every soul with any clouded shroud of doubt.
We will carry clarity with absolute certainty, as the fires within emerge, bursting out with creativity.
Harmonies and Melodies of every key,
Painting the existence of everything~

Poured a cup of fruit juice to see it was only 5%
Artificially coating life, never tasting the truth of what it meant.
My motivation space in my brain is vacant, and open for rent.
Sorry if you have to share it with a guy on the inside that's seemingly hell-bent.


Parents shed your clarity and wisdom, as oppose to letting your anger fill them.
Screams in dreams rip me out of my fantasy right at the seams, and maybe,
Maybe I'll never know what it means.
Some could view me right now as apathetic,
but those are the same that see my words as babble, because they just don't get it.
I think I've stopped caring about the criticism,
Because I stay within the confines of my individualism.
Your judgements put walls around me, restrictions I don't need.
I realize we're different, down to the music on which we feed.
No one wants to see how we're similar,
Always casting categories to the unfamiliar.
***** the false idea that you live up to
The only way out is being Through, with all the *******,
No more wrongdoings to persist.
I could speak forever, and for those who've listened, I hope you get the jist.
I'm ****** to remain in a state with people of a similar fate because we let it.
You must have it made if you're one who doesn't get it.

Running endlessly through a buffet of what life has to offer
Yelling, screaming, kicking, pleading because they didn't get what they wanted
Anytime's fine, unless the time's right now
Never can get what you want boy, you know that's not allowed.

Making crafts out of what no one would take a chance on
Anything'll do right now under the right circumstance son
Teetering towards a heavily weighted decision.
This is what causes the opposing forces into collision.
He knew what many felt should happen, but he also knew what was in his heart.
Entering this mode of thinking he felt, "then why hadn't they all thought this way right from the start?"
"Winning" could bring about closure, but it could also bring proper exposure.

Jumping for joy because people were on the same page.
Every single person, an actor on life's stage.
Nevermind what had made them different before,
Kings and queens they now all are, with only the whole world to expore (and beyond)
Insight made everything feel right and all the people now did bond.
Nights and days, rang out cheers and praise to you and the stars above
Seeing to be true what was always saught, the utopia of love.

I've got enough emotional baggage to fly 'round trip.
To top it off I've turned into an alcoholic, or whatever you call it,
Where you can't take a sip without following it with many more.
Can't hobble to the liquor store, just finished but I could use, or lose to another pour.
Too drunk to stand up, there's no use in keeping score.
Too many bottled up feelings, that in turn were let loose with a bottle.
I commence drinking, almost no slower than full-throttle.
I've acted in ways I'd rather not mention.
It'd be a good time in my life for some Divine Intervention.
I"ve taken a deep, hard look at myself and admitted -
Before I get admitted, that I better get some help,
Before my world realizes the destruction of self.

I had a conversation with my father but no words were said.  
I've asked him for answers before,
and I still have the feeling embedded in my head that
Some sense of clarity, I will be fed.

Some speak to God in hopes that the right light will shine upon the dark places in their lives
To show true meaning.
Sometimes I'm slowly weaning, off of my habits that are detrimental,
That mask the fundamental issues behind my problems.
Right now I may sound feeble and weak,
But I seek,
Because I'm not sure that it's just that me can solve them.

I live the life of an in-the-know outsider,
Yet I feel so far behind in a society full of people wearing blinders.
Is it just that I'm in a rut?
Or am I only half-living, with eyes wide shut?
I know what's wrong,
But I don't feel I am strong enough to set the stage.
It's as if I'm waiting for something so radical to hit me in the face to spark the necessary change.

Strange isn't it?
I mean the solutions are so simplistic.
It's hard even admitting these things being one usually so realistic.
But on the contrary I have been known to manipulate my reality with conflicts that are imaginary.  
Acknowledging contradictions are comparable to a prescription for the soul,
One spot higher on the stairs.
Self-improvement can take it's toll, but we don't carry on without repairs.

This life happens so fast that in a flash you might've missed it.
So I'm holding on,
To this pencil and the art of right now.
I feel I must do what I can,
and keep faith that fulfillment can be achieved, somehow.
Whatever comes my way though, I absolutely cannot retreat,
Because there's no telling when I too, shall inevitably rest in peace.

Hey friends,
just want you to know as this year ends,
whether you ingest brownies, alcohol or ecstasy,
stay safe, hydrate and create some new history, blissfully.
Get live, just don't drink and drive cuz we still have memories to make.
Consciously enjoy your slice of heaven, for heaven's sake.
Much love to you and the stars above
May you feel peace as clear and symbolic as the emergence of a dove.
Wear a glove if you get frisky,
and if you're strapped for cash drink off-brand whiskey.
May the music vibrate your soul, and the collective energy-field take hold
For you to seize control and own the present.
Let intuition guide you to a place more pleasant.
Even if you're gonna sit at home, sippin' on some beer,
*I hope you enjoy yourself, and have an amazing New Year!

I admit to having been one to use the word "they" as if something exists outside myself.
Gaze fixated on projections, in order to find my help
The biggest illusion, is that of separation.
I realized eye was the doctor, rather than just the patient.
Everywhere you look is a mirror.
Walls soon dissolve connecting you to beautiful tones you choose to hear.
The physical world consists of atomic constructs filled with space,
Dive deep within the void for a transcendental taste as you ride new wavelengths and embody strengths you didn't know you possessed.
Majority of your electromagnetic field emits from the beat in your chest.  
Act with your heart, and let out all you've suppressed.  
There's an infinite amount of ways we can think to perceive the given test.  Create your own questions for answers that will fill you the best, as you astral project, exploring the universe with a body at rest. The paper in this book is entirely yours to sketch.  Eye am you as you are everything, eternally blessed.

I've been coasting quietly with an eye on society.
One eye's looking out for the hazards tryna blind me.
While my third eye is looking in, using intuition to guide me.

Sympathetic responses in an exchange for a shot at your wonder bra
I try to veer my course away trying not to expose those manipulations I saw
In myself I invest as a capital and so I'm brushing all the ******* off.

Your 8th pair of shoes?  Yes, another great investment.
I can't help but be disgusted as I bring on feelings of resentment.
So I let go, I gain control, and set my gaze ablaze on another page to vent.

Everyone's in the know, but the quantity of info is so little.
I can't help but scoff as what's viewed as importance is really artificial.
Eye can rise above, but at the same time I'm still in the middle.

Disrespectful kids, with blind belligerent parents.
You want change?  Just look at how your time's spent.
Calmly, look into the past and focus on where the care went.

The assumed superiority is a widespread, and welcomed disease, I'm sick of it.
Most of the privileged majority are better than everyone else and I'm right in the thick of it.
I've gotta change my ways in this maze, now that I've realized how I was depicting it.

The attitudes on display to all,*
While you carry around your expensive worthless items at the mall.
Almost makes me wish your exterior reflected what's inside.
The sneers with pride show that to none you abide.
Sitting on your high-horse, yet ungrateful for the ride.

I'm repulsed by the ****-don't-stink mentality.
In a game of the minds I'd love for some to battle me.
Bring your inner ugly to light and not even find it challenging.
This has snowballed into one big calamity.

Which means it's time to step back and breathe.
If I let it best me then only anger breeds.
So now I close my eyes, and shut out any lies as my mind secedes.
Just work on yourself, Ryan, for only then can the collective truly succeed.

**...ly....****.
the way people follow rules you'd think they were written in sanskrit.
dis...re...spect
i think it goes hand in hand with lack of intellect.
huge...e...go
why people carry themselves the way the do i may never know/
va....ca...tion
i just want to get away and have a little fun
head....ache....dayze
without proper treatment the pain always stays
free...to...live
we need to get out and take this life for all we have to give.
not...much...time
gonna try and relax now that i'll close out this rhyme.

The dialogue,
The volume,
The content..
It gets better right?

The petty,
The put-downs,
Vocal *****...
Too often why I'm up at night.

Egocentrism,
Carelessness,
And Irresponsibility.
Yet I'm the sewer rat not living up to my ability.

The toxic street withers me,
Too much debt to free,
I can predict the machines' actions almost constantly.

The happenings follow me,
What I see hollows me,
Will I ever emerge from this filth triumphantly?

It's the insanity I wake up to,
The vanity and the same stew.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what I have to go through.

It's grown ever-plain to see,
This isn't the way, that life should be,
But it's tossed onto the pile I've simply named "the pain in me."

No luminosity around to save selves,
Violent sound waves bounce off of every shelf.
Through these waters I have delved,
But no life-preserver,
No help.

I am unable to manipulate,
I'm just part of the tracks.
Desensitization's turned me from an alley cat,
To sewer rat,
Just by being exposed.
So I crawl through these tunnels with nothing but hope,
That there's a way I can go back..
Reverse the de-evolution I suppose,
And return to a world I thought I knew with humanity.
'Til then I scrape on living a life, transparently.

Drooling from pharmaceuticals,
and being told what's beautiful.
Recklessly using our mandibles,
and idolizing party animals.
No time to get personal,
Cuz I must go out and buy the product being scammed on this commercial.

Back.

Intelligence being blinded by fear,
So many don't pay mind, too full of beer
and confused why they can't see clear,
or even eye to eye with their closest peer.

Time spent pointing fingers
and wondering why "bad luck" lingers.
A society high on measurements and value measured by possessions.
The "Iwant" society diseased with obsessions.

Sold opinions with television and magazines,
Never realizing the atrocities behind the scenes.  
More psych evaluations and pills to swallow,
Or open love connections and spirituality to follow?

Many homeless, while uninhabited homes shows a higher amount.  
Pop-culture won't show ya, can the counter-culture even count?  
Fatty fast food paired with fast athletes, just to get a meager billion some dollars. 
There's still time to change though, which is why we need to bother.
 
Too cheap to buy selfless items, well then at least pay attention.  
See me for clarity, there's a wealth of info I didn't mention.

Watch the video for this word splurge here: https://youtu.be/7Cf6AFrOJ7w

Once upon a new day's coming of age,
We see beyond the mirages of these planes.  Knowing that as a component, Eye am the brave mage with energy off the page - Setting stages with graceful patience Paying attention to the placement of the arrangements."
Even though we want to rage against the machine
One must remember we can be lucid in this dream
Ah yes, the God of your Being, casting & crafting the current reality you're seeing.
Recently We've seemed to have lost touch with our delicate sense of feeling
So why not, Jump into our true emotions to induce our own potions of healing
25 percent, at 552 pm.
Our temples came from distant galaxies
So Ain't No use in getting worn down following drowning crowns spoutting fallacies
I mean..
The Stardust carbon rush in this body may be temporary
But what if I told you you've existed since the dawn of eternity?
Would you feel like you could give up some of that tight-gripped uncertainty?
Realise the lessons, blessings, and signs from what didn't go "perfectly"?
We tend to get hung up on our heads
And take it all personally,
And in doing so forget our powers other-worldly

A little bitta insight keeps us mindful
Backwards down the line
My bright flame was quite low. Right now though my soul glows, so to wherever there is lifeflow, peace.

For this moment's first time
Let the connection begin again
Show your color's intention and let some self love sink in, take it to the brink of your existence - Switching perspectives via timetravel on synaptic memory highways positioned, to tune into an opportunity to listen.  You will always be in the right place, so long as you can learn to believe.  
At the depths of my own mortality I was reminded I can still smile and breathe
Once we clear the cloudiness
All is illuminated to see
The star's light's mighty bright tonight yet
Pollutants still roam free
Some might call that a travesty, duality, or something in between
I know of both light and dark
I feel former in the latter as we speak.  My heart strings our tied in writing spells called poetry.. Which has saved me inside times of need.
Add 1 more little release,
To help me better be
In this moment
I am able, I am grateful, and at ease

A little bitta insight keeps us mindful
Backwards down the line
My bright flame was quite low.
Right now though my soul glows, so to wherever there is lifeflow, peace.

Let's fly and rise higher than our skies.  Really try, for there is purpose where there's life.  Sure the body will but the memories won't die.  Communicate to a source of the design, keeping the prized wide-eyed alive
A toast of tea to everything, and I choose to sea life as divine.  Those seeking control will scratch and hold as you climb.  Stuck in an old mold as the unconscious mind's bind prevents the sight to ask why.  
They still have the the power to heal and make right.  Left with nothing but a reflection behind closed eyes.  One with experience keeping the beat of heart as a platform for the next line's rhyme.  I'm just a thought, brought to you by you, and this scene is just another peak on this ride knowing a drop will come soon.  There's been such a growing number of those I know told "RIP", but maybe they're the ones waking up from the dream.  Maybe the only change is how we perceive.  Our weather patterns can freeze or be a gentle warm breeze.  No matter the conditions we choose to live in, may we all rise in peace.

*A little bitta insight keeps us mindful
Backwards down the line
My bright flame was quite low.
Right now though my soul glows, so to wherever there is lifeflow, peace.

The heated metal from the kettle steams the rebel in me.  The panic planted will vanish after a mindful pouring of tea.  Lets replace our hazardous waste with a serene moment of peace.  Funny the way honey laced stardust grace tastes - bringing about a face to please.
.
..
...
....
..... And release.....
....
...
..
.
 All of the tension fear and grief.
Stop with the constant judging of self by day of week
Start seeing the Synchronicities in and out of dreams
Visualize&Recognize; how to be still like trees,
Mighty yet stay playing with the rain and the breeze
Understand there is growth in what has been deemed defeat.
So let's bloom with groovy tunes and ascend above the streets.
Zoom into the moon reflectIng light with ease
Thank you for all your time sharing the air to breathe.
Hearts connected to the rhythm where we are beautifully free~

So while I was enduring hordes of fear, the path to clarity eventually became clear
Because all I needed was for you to be here.
I've always held you dear, wishing you were near, or that next to me you could reappear.
Sometimes I can't even bring about a smile as I gaze in the mirror.

It helps to be aware of the happiness you've attained.  
I know I once brought the feelings unto you, and I still feel a little strange.
Locked up tight in a cellar in my heart, the feelings have remained.
Thinking of the years they've sustained, I pray for situations like This we could be trained.

Next to none know of the magic when we stared into each others' eyes..
Everything happened so fast, but it was a more-than-delightful surprise!
Even as ships capsized, I knew somehow we still had our ties.
But I felt lost for so long, probably because of my emotionally driven tries.

A ray of sunshine, a beautiful soul.
A piece of my heart you inadvertantly stole.  
With such a little role, potentially never again will I be or feel whole.
I'm unaware of my own control, and to myself I have taken a toll.
Your spirit lifts me enough to want to make improving myself the goal.

Whether or not again our paths cross..
I am making peace with the time lost,
Though still wishing our moments were equipped with a pause,
While regretting never fully telling you how many times you left me with awes..

I just wanted to tell you that I miss you.
I'd hoped I could blame things on a miscue,
But instead I take solace in time I misused.
All I've ever wanted to know is,
Did you ever feel any of this too?

It is the birth day de mi padre,
I lay, grateful for the conversations before we had to part ways.
Inside of myself I see your face,
Calm, still, and happy fills my summer headspace
The void used to be a bruise to me, and I bumped it all the time.  Subconsciously moreso, but it brought me to my rhymes.  Thanks for helping me realize all will be alright.  It's now 111, I'm seeing special signs.  The beginning only begins once you let it in your mind.  One can never be defined, but my bias helps allow me to see the depth in your eyes.  Eternally a part of the design, reminding spines that they're intricate & divine.  Thank you for your choices, and the genesis it bred.  Thank you for the time, and the warm thoughts to blanket my head.  In the end, it came down to what was said.  I can rest in bed smiling because the timing was perfect, for had you waited to say anything then it would have never been worded.  There stands Mars, staring at the stars.  Inebriated and contemplating just how far you really are.  Imagination fills the dark, in my pocket there's a spark, and when ya wanna speak it will go straight into my heart.
I long left the cage made of rage when I decided to turn the page in order to set the stage.  Unfortunately sometimes it takes a tragedy for us to come of age.  Blessed in the ways we can seize the current day.  Jump in, the water's great, and here comes another wave,~  Underneath the splash crashes I heard my name, it was you, telling me everything is okay - and to float back up and become a mirror for those already saved.  I miss you, and wish you could stay.  I remain a child longing, with a mystery to taste.  So here eye am, unafraid, and destined to forever play among the blades of grass.  Appreciate what was, but know there is no home within the past.  Release the anxious worry over how long on this earth we're going to last.  Over-exerted circuits in the brain retire too fast - which doesn't allow the proper growth to know patience.  Ascension is not always painless.  I once was a patient desperately waiting to be seen.  dabbling around chemistry with a head full of steam.  Then I let go and a black hole swallowed those walls whole, along with the notion that we had no control.  Now I row, straight into my dream with intention.  Hoping to see you there for some sort of healthy lesson.  Apologies to my surroundings for the jumbled mess of stresses.  Embracing it all and cutting away the self to delve with introspection.  Abundantly grateful to exist, and find solace in these confessions.

I love you, Happy birthday Dad, rest easy

And in the drought, passion roared through that eternal water spout.
There was some doubt but then the world realized what this life was really about.
Heads were in the clouds only to find out that the stars have aligned.
Enraptured in love is where we've found ourselves so gently intertwined.
And in this time, no such face with numbers existed.
We ran together taking the opportunity as though we could have missed it.
It was bliss and had the moment had physical elements I might have kissed it, too.
For only from all perspectives do we acknowledge what is true.
It was indefinitely inspiring and on that notion we flew.

*What we share is beautiful, and what's not commonly known is taboo.
It just might be that what potentially starts with me, could end with you

Another day, riding on emotion
Seldom ever breaks down
but I don't have the potion,
To fuel my being.
Lucky to be alive
but there's something I'm not seeing.
Lapped around similar 'scapes
Falling all the time,
with all the scrapes to prove it.
My body itself is a high-powered vehicle,
just hope I don't lose it,
Prematurely with the things I've been doing.
Sometimes I see surroundings pass by but
it doesn't feel like I'm moving.
Reach out to those that could use it
Lead them away from the mentally abusive.
I'm still there though,
the expression on my face even looks weak.
Guess I just hit bleak patch,
but again I'll maintain a satisfying streak
Innocence never left,
But the breaths are slowing.
Used a bit of what I had left to fill up an inner tube,
My body's too weak to maintain how I'm flowing.
So I drift off, into another realm.
A place where people are underwhelmed
And stay to help each other grow.
This place exists at a point in time, but when,
I may never know.

So I'm taking a vacation from my mind
that constructs an absurd blur,
Keep living for the kids and kisses,
and moments that creates blisses
Love and writing are my life preservers~

Dreaming, within a dream
Seeing those, that don't see me
Wondering if it's all due to my projected reality.
Only to wake up to a mind that wants to hassle me.

remember to breathe

I'm still here

Going to leave this head and enter the formless
Embrace all the love that keeps us at our warmest
Find innermost truths, waiting to be found in unconscious corners
Under a white light, joining other performers.

I told my friend as we rested our heads that we can fly
Belief is everything, sensing immediate retreat with the refusal to try

Now I'm in the sky, shaping clouds as they pass by

Even if I can't help everyone rise, I hope to at least paint them something beautiful in their mind's eye.  
Visually stimulating, and absolutely comfortable.
I'm here to remind you that this life is so wonderful.

With each second that flees, we could be, rewiring our circuitry.
Living a life that's driven so purposefully
Stranger shifts have happened,
but this is your vessel, you are the captain
Watching the waves come to me in a rhythmic fashion
Speaking without words, only to express this true passion.  

"..."

I need to visit the man in the mirror
He provides me a smile and dissipates my fear
Even though my own ship, I may not know where to steer..
I know that once all the sediment settles,
The depths of the water that reflect, will become clear~

Sitting in class vibin' with mates watching time pass
Nourishing connections because lifetimes fly by too fast

"Tell me about yourself.."

I am a boy in a man's body that approaches music with the will to grow and know enough to take hold of this world and shake it up a bit.
Never detrimental to the globe, because I'm in love with it.   Face facts with tact, splash onto new horizons even if it knocks me on my back.  Latch on to the moment, direct divine intention and let creativity explode in a blast on the right track.  Shining a light into the black and admiring peoples' masks, but never distracted.  What happens is what's meant to be even if we had overreacted.  Focus on what you have, instead of that you lack.  Collect our energies together, mash and exponentially grow.  Sometimes it'll seem like you're a turtle on the road, because the progress process is so slow.  Let go of the mold and stroll with the will to blow along in the breeze never knowing retreat because the feat is huge, but with focus we'll make it.  Take your preconceived perception and break it.  You gotta be happy, because doing what you love is the ultimate payment.  

Too many expressions are vacant, but heads full.
Escape from comfort zones that inadvertently take a toll
You are,
and have
all you need.
That person in the mirror is worth getting to know.
Water the self, and emerge from the seed to grow

But Why, and whom does it affect?

Where is it, that the actions will reflect?

When will answers show themselves, when concludes the test?

"I've been wondering for too long!" I protest.



Will I reach, a desired level of clarity?

Will the feat, be much more than a dare to me?

...Curiously I spy forward...


My head's an over-animated scoreboard, emphasizing the score of the opponent


Yet.. Today is a new day.

If the chance is taken, isn't there a possibility that I too fall prey?

True, just like the cat that was killed, or so they say.

Maybe it was just a tale of a tail, given from those too scared to change direction.

Those who follow suit now live in a certain detention, without mention, or ever expanding into the next dimension.  

But what if they had taken the next step?

The conclusion of the saying was something I could not accept,

Now using the unknown as fuel, I leapt..

Not knowing if I could make it

My head was perplexed, riddled with anxiety, I didn't know if I could take it!


With a thump,

My eyes opened up,

Revealing a new reality.

I was guided by faith, and truly believe I've touched on a divine sense of spirituality.

I let go of the naysayers and everyone that had tried using hassling methodologies,

Because I took a necessary leap of faith, in order to better me.


If I failed, I would die trying,

but at least with false beliefs I would not be confined.

Before my eyes, a natural goldmine, beauty previously undiscovered.

I had trusted myself and have never felt so full of wealth, now standing in the land of the lovers.

Everything and everyone had a bright and shiny aura, radiating bliss.

Had I known such a place of magnificence exists,

I would've trusted my intuition more, rather than certain people, and came when we were kids!

Alas, in the midst of all this thinking, I don't even want to be blinking my lids,

Because I no longer want to miss any, of *this.

What matters is right here and right now,*

It's seems I've ascended, like I'm on a cloud..

No negativity here, I don't think that it is allowed!

Because this is a new land of possibility

I haven't even moved yet but I'm so glad I didn't retreat!

Then something tickled my legs, right by my feet, looked down and was surprised to see,

A short-haired cat, walking elegantly.  In disbelief I watched it so free, when it popped in my head,

"Are they still talking about me?"

.. Had this cat really just used telepathy??

I wondered if I had been living a dream, and then the cat turned back and winked at me..

I would like for the old ry to die tonight.
I'm rewriting the script:
The escape artist quits,
having never fully escaped.
Held down by the mask's weight,
I have to cut it free,
to honor past seeds of the family tree.  
So now the last thing I have to face is - reality.

I tire from the 8-5 work life.
Opinions from everywhere tell us what some believe is right.
But I can't cosign with that slave fight
For I want to align with the stars that shine all night
The light is still bright during the day,
But our vision is limited in this universe anyway.
I must cut open my hand,
To remove this pesky splinter
Growing only more alive
Flowing into the dead of winter
Time to straighten out my spine
To show this world I'm no beginner.
Not financially where I'd like to be,
But I don't have to fret over dinner.
Oh what a tangled web we can weave,
When we let our head be the thread spinner.

I never fail to rise with the sun,
Even when my mind is cloudy
Release the pressure with adventure
Take some time to re-ground me.
Melt away the unnecessary "realities"
And live the life you find astounding.

Energize in the storm
Even though the sounds rain vicious
Soak the electrons into your soul
Natural atmospheres reign nutritious

Though my dreams have been borderline terrifying, it's mixed with a magic I can't explain.  I'd often prefer to stay than to wake, and let the story play.  In my dreams I have purpose, even if it is to help save and escape when I am the aimed prey.  I have planted myself in rough terrain, and though I feel the wetness of the rain, I currently lack the passion to push past the concrete shade of gray.  While unconscious I am sometimes robbed of speech and mobility, but awake I am just a shadow's stain.  The sun's rays will hit the next day and we will both forget I am there.  I can honestly say I still prefer the dangers of the night, to the impending daymare.
Let me sleep.

Two opposing forces
with no eventual winner.
No matter how you cook it,
BOOM
Chicken dinner.

molecular confusion
inner-temple pollution
case for head institution
ego protrusion
sense of self diffusion
living within the confines of one's own delusion-

[|creating constricting prisons|]

Just listen~

Reducing ticks, slowly
Seducing lustful luxuries
Chasing things instead of dreams
When we could all live a life as beautiful as the feel of skin on satin sheets

Or something else substituted in if that's not your cup of tea~

This means goodnight for me, been up since 445
Thanking all that's divine for the opportunity to be alive
Determined to achieve masterful lucidity
Diving into the universe within you, within me

eyes closed, walls fall
infinite possibility in a sprawl
unlimited mind
~wormholes of consciousness
in a land where most mostly see randomness
Eye tend to see vivid vivacious images of perfection
Puzzles, and symbols creating mind-maps that outlast past perceptions

Speak your truth-

Gain divine intervention with immediate introspection
Choosing to see the beautiful in every reflection

We all plummet from the skies
~like stones into the water, rippling out vibes~

Enjoy the swim,

*~just remember you can still fly~

Fell through the lion's gate maybe sippin' too much of Mercury's Gatorade.  Head all over the space still forcing construction so the levee won't break.  I barely leave my mind when I get heavy for heaven's sake.  Hard to translate the mental pain when so many seem to exist on different planes.  I reside in light and shadow so I know none of this is strange.  I've taken off the mask but haven't gotten out the stains.  Ego popped up and tried labeling the experience as delirious.  Yet I can't recall E existing with long periods of fearlessness.  I'm releasing repressed emotion B, cheers - here it is.  Time to shed the shell of what was, this is Sirius.

The Pyramids of Giza are aligning with Orion
Oh, Ryan, you need to work on your discipline and timing.
Meditate while the Lion's Gate Portal blows open
Elevate cuz no mere mortal is immune to the potion
Create great change as the spiritual sun is rising
More than a name, this is Sirius, reminding us to stay shining
- And Break chains that have kept us in our own confinements
It aint too late, we are divine beyond our environments
Energy exchange, now we reclaim how our power's spent

..and then the sky went black.  Hordes run from the downpour thinkin' mother nature's on the attack.  She's got your back, time to fend for hers.  You can choose the claws or the tune of the cat purr~

Solo drunken dances on a rickety Milwaukee balcony in the rain.
Leavin' a shred of me wherever I go to create a stain of change.

Strangely sane, in a couple of ways, trying to make every day brighter
Strained grace, shown by my plate, made before the flick of my lighter

Reminded constantly of inevitable shell shedding, so I'm letting my worry go
I'll be okay in the new terrain, paint on my soul a new globe.

Within a state of exploration, we demonstrate the need to go above and beyond
We follow water droplets before we stumble upon the pond.

Here, between the ripples we previously thought we couldn't calm
You see your highest self more clearly than ever before, inside your eyes all along

I watched from a distance as you leapt into it's depths
I wanted to join the soul-lercoaster, but our time hasn't come yet

Still the smile is always there.  Watching each other grow, I don't know what can compare!  It almost isn't fair how rare these moments are, but I choose to be present because everything is a star.  While stumbling upon gems, others go unnoticed.  To me it would seem they're meant to be for another being's focus.

Always one to blow in the wind, eventually, maybe I'll later take root
Inking all over pages carefully composed into a wondrous tale of a book~

I think I'm going to leave the ending, open-ended, such is life.
Let the possibilities flow through, and maybe encourage a few to write.

Tired, but more than enough energy to soar over any plight
I just daydream so much that it's difficult to sleep at night.

But here's a cheers, to you and your existence

May whatever you endure make you feel more replenished
Watching the obstacles behind us, fade away until diminished.
I'm here for you,
Take my hand,
We're not quite finished~

Fly free,
question,
and be heard when ya wanna be.
Eyes have limits
In a world full of gimmicks,
But you fuse what you choose to see.
A part of me,
wants to get lost at sea,
Land on an island surround by trees
In mother nature's company
I will relearn to breathe
and take on a life of peace with ease.
Remember to think, before acting to please.
Yet the joy of spontaneity can come on like a breeze.
The internal world, affects everything around you.
This universe hides secrets to bask in and astound you.
Power is limitless when you discover the profound you.
Believe in the oneness and there's no telling what you'll amount to.

i walked into the night,
and felt the cool air's breeze.
stepping away every once in awhile
usually gives me enough to release.
in an attempt to sober up from binge thinking,
i noticed i was alone, moreso than usual.
not a single car on the street,
no single individual.

this is common after midnight
but i thought there had to be someone who is also deprived of sunlight.
it was then that i was blinded by unusual headlights
on a vehicle known as hindsight.  
abandoned the instincts of fight or flight,
because i was curious.  
it turned into my driveway.
it felt as though there were some undiscovered forces at play,
as i lay in wait.

the door opened up, and a man with a bright white aura stepped into view.
i gazed upon his face and then was at a complete loss as to what to do..
he looked at me, smiled, and said, " yes, that particular thought is correct,
i am you.

you needed someone, and so here we are.  
see this distance between you and your true self aren't so far apart.
it gets hard, when dealing with passions of the heart,
but every day, every minute...moment, can be a new start."

Everything happens as it's meant to, though, right?

" destinies are in the hands of everyone who believes it,
but most don't see to seize it."

are you, God? an Angel?  a jester in disguise?

"you naturally won't want to accept this statement initially,
but i will tell you no lies.  i am from a faction of lightbearers,
to help illuminate the path.  the variables you add and subtract though, changes the outcome like math, heh heh."

where am i to go?

" you are not to know, yet, what's the fun in that?"

true, but then what about this,' shedding light on the path'?

"all that is within you, is everything.  unlimited potential and power to benefit the universe.
before i disperse back into the cosmos, i am here to ensure that your own light grows.  the love you emit causes radiated blooming within the chakras of others, but your aura has diminished, do you know why this is?"

fear?

"love."

but wait..

" embrace all that you are, Ryan.  i needed to remind you that you are loved deeply.  take care of yourself, so to not be the cause of your own reaping.  your efforts are never exhausted, i see and appreciate all you do, with a smile.  now go the extra mile, cross the line and let your divine shine through.  you are never alone, remember things from the past you wrote.  every word still holds true.
i must be leaving, but listen to what's inside when you're unsure of what to do.  Namaste, Ryan."

but wait! who really are you??

as I stood in bewilderment, he ascended into the sky with a smile, and his vehicle disappeared.  
would this interaction have happened had i displayed my primal urges of fear?
when he was no more than a sparkle in the eye that is the ever-expanding sky
i didn't feel so dry and lifeless, but rather moist with creative juices from all that sunk in.
and the warmth, it was a love you could touch without touching.
this is what i was missing.
and so when reminiscing, i show gratitude and blissful appreciation,
because too much can be lost in the translation of contemplation.

Low in the depths of tar-pit lungs
Teeter tottering on words stilll unsung
Dreading bother thinking I can't add up to the sum
Treading water with the head above to breathe by the beat of the drum
Reflecting all of life even when the thought of existence stung
Already rebirthed a few times at 25 years young
And I'm not done
I know it's just my heart by all the switching of the rhythms
Haven't yet lost sight of land, therefore I must keep swimming
Slipping through ripples of time, knowing we're only just beginning.
Blessed to have seen the sun set but now darkness reigns king.
Serve the mind for entrapment, where are you taking me?  No, wait hold up where are you taking me?
A cold cell mold confine hell-bent on destruction
As soul sits with patience until we're ready for instruction


Is this life a cavernous abyss, or buoyant brilliance stuffed with unfolding bliss?
Loosening our grips throwing caution to the wind
For at our rest date we can smile about all we actually did

Vining my way through a period of construction.
Acquisition with reduction
ThisCurrent position holds no grin
When ya gotta weak spine slumped so thin caught in the midst of a mental tailspin intertwining the connections as another whirlwind - lesson
Holes were punched in for memory's retention.
Acknowledging the unknown came with clairvoyant introspection
And conscious intention management
Be aware of body language and how you translate it
Moments sink like the rock that skipped over lake waves.  
Dare to act now and not be afraid
Be an aid to humanity and ultimately yourself for we are the space within everything once the oneness has been felt
The weather has helped.
...And so in it I delve
for ive already slipped through hell
and honestly im quite glad I fell
Flames fueled us enough to embrace our hold
While Rain soaks the soul for us to flower and grow
Rise up from below to experience the mighty breeze blow
Your trials through the dirt allow the light to show
Apollo wants to see your glow
Let go and tap into the flow, present tense beauty forward into the unknown

But if you don't break out of your shell how are you to ever know?

Is this life a cavernous abyss, or buoyant brilliance stuffed with unfolding bliss?
Loosening our grips throwing caution to the wind
For at our rest date we can smile about all we actually did

(€€Fool you will never be good enough,
Should have stayed in school
Remain obedient to your masters
Your ocean is really a pool
Your attempts to peer past the hollowgram Have been deemed uncool
Get back in line and enjoy life as a tool€€

Sir you got me a all wrong,
Let'***** the brakes for a second
Pull off onto the shoulder for a moment to be reflective.
Your energy is scattered, the gears are wearing thin.  When's the last time you sat alone and sought answers from within?
No matter, there is time now to begin.
Conscious living is by no means an accident
I appreciate the time you've already spent
But I must ask
What is the tale of your means to an end?
The answer is rhetorical, but I am here for you as a friend.