the frustration I had
after failing
to bring myself to ******
for the
tenth
time this past week
makes me more
furious
than depressed

seriously
my *** drive
has always been high

as soon as I
got over
the shame
society places on women
for enjoying
their sexuality
I have always used
*******
as a release
relieves
stress
leaves me
relaxed
and
content

or should I say,
left me
feeling that way

usually
it was once a day
fairly frequent
but, it
matched
my *** drive's
needs

what the **** is wrong with me

I have tried
imagining,
watching,
reading,
looking at
every form
of erotica
that exists

I have searched
through everything
I can find
from
****,
******,
stories,
comics

and my search history
will let you know
that I've searched
everything
from
****
to
******
to
interracial lesbian forced *******
and things
worse
than that

e v e r y t h i n g

used to take me,
oh, I dunno
maybe three minutes
with my *******?

after
around an hour
is when I give up
now
I even bought
a different
*******
NO
RELEASE
NO
PASSION
GONE
what is
WRONG
WITH
ME

oh yeah -
depression

I mean
I knew it was bad
when video games
no longer
had appeal
that was enough

games
have been a passion
and a hobby of mine
since I was five

the other hobby
I started a bit older than five
but
you stole that one, too

after depression
beat the **** out of me
on Tuesday
I thought that was it
thought
since the next morning
I awoke
without the urge
to **** myself
it was over

nope

you have robbed me
of the simplest
things
in my life
that give me pleasure

no more
wriggling
moaning
spasming
the tingling
sensation
that starts in my toes
and makes its way
up
the length of my body
the warmness
that follows
with it
the
satisfaction
slight smile
snuggly
sleepy
post ****** me

I miss her
give her
back

I miss my life
give it
back

this isn't
ME
for ***** sake!

I am a ******
witty
humorous creature
full of passion
looking
for opportunities
to get myself off!
not this
depressed
apathetic
vessel
without soul.

you won't stop
until you have
everything
in my life

you won't stop
until you
put
my soul in your mouth
chew
grind
crush it

your saliva
breaks me down

spit me out
please
I am fighting
for you to cough me up
regurgitate
the essence
of me
let me put myself
back inside this body
please
please

no
you won't stop
you will eat my soul
until
ever fiber
protein
ounce of health
I had
is now
inside of you,
depression

cold-hearted *****

Dear future self,

(First I'll ask) How are you? How's your wife or husband? The kids? How's life treating you?

I know it was hard but it's gotten better..., hasn't it?

(Then I'll go on) Let me give you some advice, that hopefully you will follow.

Don't be like your dad. Don't get into drugs and waste your money away on them. Only to yell at your children when you don't have anymore. Don't be like your dad in the sense of fighting with your husband or wife until they cry. Don't push them away or sleep in an opposite bed, just because of their flaws. Don't act like you love them when you can't even love yourself. Don't settle down and have a family until you know you are stable and know you have taken care of your mental illnesses that eat you alive inside, only to hold a gun to your wife and not remember a single thing to happen.

Don't be like your mom. Don't support your significant other if he or she is tied in with drugs and abuse. Don't leave and then come back so your child can continue to go through your suffering just because you think "you love him". Don't fight with your child until she wants to leave or locks herself in her room just because she feels you hate her, of him if the matter comes to a son. Don't claim you want to **** yourself then disappear without another word, leaving your child behind to fend for themselves against their thoughts and worries of you. Don't let your child wrestle you for a gun that you plan to shoot yourself with. Don't have a family unless you have fixed yourself and prepared yourself.

Don't be like your sibling. Don't hold your children over your parents head and blame you're sibling for attention. Don't ignore your illness and replace real medication with drugs. Don't treat your children as if one is better than the other.


I know it's a lot to take in. A lot of advice to you. But hunny, it's better this way than to let your children relive what you went through. Continue to be different. Continue to be you. Be yourself and you will find happiness. Work hard and you will find gratitude. Don't be your family, and you will find unconditional love within your own family that you have never felt before.

Sincerely,
Past Self.

If the whole world but a stage be
Whose cast of characters are we,
What genre fits your life story,
A thriller, farce or comedy?
A romance or perhaps maybe
Drama, action, or tragedy?

Would you be the stage manager,
The producer or director?
Would you be the lead character,
Or play a supporting role or
Just appear occasionally,
Happy just an extra to be?

And when the final curtain falls
Will you have given it your all?
Will others demand an encore
Or will they have expected more?
But of the most significance....
How will you rate your performance?

My pure heart was dead inside
As the ghost watched us from across the room.
Filling our heads with ***** thoughts
And our veins with more whiskey.