It's loosing all control in your body yet being aware of everything that's happening.
You can't hear your own screams but you know they're there.
Heart palpitations.
Your breathing becomes as fast as your heart rate.
You can't see the people staring but you know they're watching.
You don't blame them, you don't know how to stop it either.
Having a gun held to your chest and being told to run.
Being told your free while being locked in a cell block.
Don't panic.
Stay calm.
"Anxiety, is that actually a thing?"

Drowning my antidepressant with a cup of tea, waiting for sleep to overtake me.
I've learn to ignore the begging of my stomach, I only have enough energy to feed one *****, and my heart is screaming for attention.

"If you take these pills you'll get out of bed" One pill two pills three pills four.
I'm out of bed and on the floor, crying silent tears.

"If you take these pills you'll worry less"
One pill two pills three pills four.
No weary thoughts cross my mind,
I'm indulged in sleep that seems to be the reason why.
Isn't this medicine supposed to keep me out of bed?

"If you take these pills you'll learn self harm isn't the answer"
One pill two pills three pills four.
I haven't binged in a week, I've been too busy with a panic attack spree.
If this isn't self harm then its self sabotage.

"If you take these pills you may have some side effects"
One pill two pills three pills- a
years supply later.

My face is stained with tears.
That seems to be the only thing I feel.
I think I'm done.
Or so I  wish it was done.

I take four green pills.
I'm addicted and scared.
I reach for more by force of habit,
Before I finish I'm consumed by darkness.


...

No I didn't overdose on anti psychotics,
but i've had my last dose of self pity.
Diagnosed, but not cured.
Enough with the pills.
Enough with these journal entries, and pitiful pep talks.
Enough with self indulgence.
I'm ill, not dead.
Sixteen years lived,
Two years defining me as anxious and depressed.
Its 2016 I call this "The Awakening"
If you fight for your sanity your drug intake won't define you.

One pill two pills three-
Who's counting?

Being told to take a deep breath
while drowning under water is like telling somone that's having a panic attack to stay calm.

When you do under water photography
with a full tank of oxygen you are told to only go down 100ft
After you go further than that your air begins to be compressed and you intake more oxygen
Thus leaving you 20 minutes before your supply of oxygen runs out and you're left 110ft down in the deep blue
You are asked not to panic if your oxygen valve is cut off
Stay calm
you can't breath
Stay calm
you just took a gulp of salt water
Stay calm
you've lost all feeling in your body
Stay calm
you're sinking
By all means stay calm
Now you can feel the bubbles in your vains
The very last supply of oxygen you have Trying to keep you alive
It leaves you feeling faint as if you're intoxicated
Well this isn't the high you were looking for

As a freshman in high school you're stressed out with the sudden new changes
More classes
More homework
Less friends
Less time
Getting up in the morning is a drag
You dare not look at your reflection because you know you'll only find someone who isn't you.
Walking the halls with weights on your chest flinching at the laughing group of girls
jumping at the bell
Aware of every sound around you, alarming you of any and all possible worse outcomes
You make it past your first two classes sitting alone at lunch
You can feel the stares
Compressed in your on bubble
The large crowd causing cold sweats
palms shaking
blurred vision
It's happening again
loss of balance
Everyone slows down
Your body is paralysed and you can't hear your own screams
You're told not to panic your  body is in flight or fight mode
It'll only last 20 minutes
Stay calm
hands are being wrapped around your neck
Stay calm
you only lost control of your body
They told you not to pass 100ft now you have 20 minutes before your tank gives out

You only pushed yourself past the limit because you thought you'd be able to survive one lunch period without a panic attack
110ft below the ocean isnt that far you've only done this plenty of times
But 1 to many is all it takes to be proven wrong

You see anxiety isn't cute
It's not butterflies in your stomach
Not akwarrd litlle giggles
The reality is it's a demon or a shadow that follows your every move you can't run away from it because it'll only follow
It's there when you wake up its there when you sleep
It's there when you're trying to speak but your words get cut off


It's loosing all control in your body yet being aware of everything that's happening.
You can't hear your own screams but you know they're there.
Heart palpitations.
Your breathing becomes as fast as your heart rate.
You can't see the people staring but you know they're watching.
You don't blame them, you don't know how to stop it either.
Having a gun held to your chest and being told to run.
Being told your free while being locked in a cell.
Don't panic.
Stay calm.
"Anxiety, is that actually a thing?"

Anxiety is real
I say this with caution
why?
Because the society we live in forces us to pretend we're perfect even though we all know we are not
and if a "major flaw" such as anxiety evolves our life we shall not speak of it because you will be ridiculed and called unsettled or insane.
They'll scream at you and tell you not to have a pity party.
But all you ever wanted was a hand to lead you through.
You see it's not a social norm to have a disorder especially a mental one.
You're "normal" as long as you're indulged in studies and are focused on what college will accept you.
Friends enemies and acquaintances you must have a social life.
Its not right if you think its right to not worry what others perceive of you.
You have to spend time with your family and enjoy it
Or make time with your family and act is if you enjoy it.
Put a smile on as you walk the halls.
You wouldn't want to send negative vibes to your fellow classmates.
Laugh at some jokes but not all.
Even if you are overwhelmed in joy only show a percentage of it.
Don't show much emotion but don't show to little or your teacher may accuse you of being apathetic.
You can't make everyone happy.
You can't fit these rules because you have a little demon picking at you called anxiety. Study?
No.
More like shove as much information that you can into your head until you have a mental breakdown
You can't make friends because no one wants a friend who can't speak without stuttering.
Spending time with your family is a weight on your chest.
When will you inform them that their eldest child.
Whose supposed to be a role model, is slowly drifting away
becuase of an uninvited guest who forces themselves to stay
Getting out of bed and going through the motions of school is more of a chore being careful not to trigger any panic attacks. You're trying to be normal to meet societies standards and maybe your own but when will you be given a chance to not stand alone but to stand together with others.
Who are facing the same problem.
Because 20% of teens are suffering from an anxiety disorder.
You can question the standards because your life is at stake.
You can reach out in hopes that you'll receive a healing hand.
If only we can lower the black curtian we call 'normal' and accept the fact that not all fit this category.

In your arms is where I find peace,
Your presence is my serenity,
You may not notice the beauty of your existence but I embrace it with the very last of me

You are the remembrance of my past,
Screaming at me with the most quite angst "look, look at what you can be"
I glare at you and see within,
Reminding me of who I once was,
Of who I want to become

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul but baby your eyes are the window to the place I'd always prefer to be, in your arms, where I'll always find peace

Life is not to be understood but to be taken              to its full potential
                                       A bit like love
               I don't know how our paths crossed or why we're here
             worrying on these questions is a sin
       For I enjoy the time we spend
                           The passion in your eyes is a dark brown yet shines a light hazel in the sun
         Black jet hair with every strand curling from end to end
                     My fingers running through it
I can feel your breath
              Releasing tension with each inhalation
       Whispering your doubts through every touch
     Your rich laugh full of sincerity allows for a smile
               Silence we share as we lean on each other
                        Everything around us could fall and we'd stay still in each other's arms
                       .Vulnerability.
To the moon and back
            Below the depths of the ocean
                         As high as birds can fly
As far as the milky way
        All the stars in the night sky combined
                                 As many times as the sun has set on the west
Every **** second since we first met
                 Have I always had feelings for you
                    Mediocre and immature at first
      Yet I've fallen completely and utterly in love with you
         Vulnerable love yet I leave it in your hands

I can almost hear
The hot sun on my skin.
Cold ice on my lips.
Watching my legs sway back and forth.


The whole world's upside down.
Holding that sight,
I can see birds in their nest.
Singing along with the wind.


Sweat.
Sunglasses.
And Sun Burns.


Oh the sweet summer days.
Bringing me back to the good o'l days.

Impassivity;
No worry or fear
Just a blank face with an unemotional mind
The sun blinding  my face as I attempt to catch up on my life
Loud voices with many expressions
I cannot manage reality with fantasy nor can I understand
Jumping from horrid to hell
How do I keep my self still with no emotion?

My eyes are blinded from the sun
I'm sure the heat must be at least one hundred and one
You fix your eyes to look back at me and your head covers up the blaring sun
I can stare into your eyes
You hold me in a way you hadn't done in so long
Arms wrapped around tight as I listen to your soft voice speak words with so much meaning
I believe
I believe what you are saying
Every word every syllable every punctuation and space
My heart is aching with so much love
I stay silent in fear of ruining the moment but love I promise I was listening and I promise I believe

A day in the life of words
                 wished not to speak*

     Nostalgic reputation retaining more or less emotion.
     An ongoing tenacity of a war between mental and disorder.
      Recollection of a pervasive incident.

Insecurities fade as you grow of age,
Revealing your inner opinion.

The body you carry is yours,
Full to your possession.
Care of it, for its the only thing that'll stay with with you till eternity.

Your body is a temple and you do as you please.
Need less to say it'll only bring you ease.

Find it's beauty, not by appearance but by the way it works as one.
Admire the way it carries the pressure,
And may you never find displeasure.
Love your skin for it has been beautifully done.

Perched on the cliff holding onto the edge of ease you can feel the angst crawling through your sleeves
Resisting the cries, for if one tear is free you'll be losing your sanity
Define to to me the norm
Yet there is not one

Persistent on the idea of your mental unease, you can't manage to see that we chose who we want be
Let thy worry flee and fly as you fall of the cliff of uncertainty

It's funny how something so simple like a high school  heartbreak can hold such a dark grudge on your heart. All these poems and all my cries. My venting and worrying all gone. My life feels so much lighter. Happier. You dont notice that your being held back until your finally released. One message. One message, changed this all. I put my ego to the side and talked to you first. After months of unanswered calls. We made ammends. I can breath without worrying what I intake. You don't realize you need peace until it reaches you outside of your nightmares. Peace, it's the only thing holding you back from reaching beyond your state of mind.

I fell in love with the idea of love it's self

Your deception hidden behind that smile

Smooth talk and irrelevant lures blinded me from seeing what others perceived

My anxieties vanished when those misleading lips of yours pressed against mine

Once letton go i knew all I heard where lies

To be honest, You're the only one I've ever spent this much time and effort on

Endless marathons of movies
Late night dinners
Our 3 am conversations
Weekeneds spent getting to know each others families
Silent afternoon walks

I was convinced you and you alone would make me happy
I was convinced we where meant to last because you promised me
I was convinced I couldn't let you go because than you'll let your self go

But you dug your hole deeper
You took my second chance for granite
Controlling me because you thought I would keep on following
You believed I would chase after you like any other girl

Little did you know I'm really "not like other girls"
I'm a strong independent women
I don't cry over a man
I don't beg him to stay and I sure as hell don't let him walk all over me

I control her,
Silencing her when she speaks,
Telling her not to believe,
She thinks she controls her thoughts;
Little does she know I do.
Only I can make her go back when she’s down
The right path.
Seeing her calm makes me feel wrong.
I force her to isolate.
Laughing because she can’t escape.
I’m watching her life flash before me,
Planning her next thought.

-Inner Indecisiveness

Prayer against evil
Spirit of our God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Most Holy Trinity, descend upon me. Please purify me, mold me, fill me with yourself, and use me. Banish all forces of evil from me; destroy them, vanquish them so that I can be healthy and do good deeds. Banish from me all curses , hexes, spells, witchcraft, black magic, demonic assignments, malefice and the evil eye; diabolic infestations, oppression, possessions; all that is evil and sinful; jealousy, treachery, envy; all physical, physiological, moral, spiritual and diabolic ailments; as well as all enticing spirits, deaf, dumb, blind, mute and sleeping spirits, new-age spirits, antichrists spirits, and any other spirits of death and darkness. I command and bid all powers who ****** me-by the power of God Almighty, in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior-to leave me forever, and to consigned into the everlasting lake of fire, that they may never again touch me or any other creature in the entire world. Amen.

Your lies feel like torn out stitches
Filling me up with love
Covering it up with lust
Telling me you'd change
Crying for my own sake

Every once in a while I'd find a few  straggling threads
I've held on with hope yet you continuasly pull till the very last strand stands

Holding me in your hands
I'm afraid to run
So I still myself
I'm you're muse

You've sewn me up
Yet I allowed you
I watched you pierce my skin
Leaving blood with every word
I didn't call you to stop
Because I'm simply in love

I can hear it playing,
Yet feel it coursing through my veins.
Pumping my blood with its rythm.
Running wild through my frame.


Filling in every empty mass.
Retrieving lost remains.
Rearanging my thoughts.


I'm new.
Affixed.
Secure.


Listening to it come to an end.
I can no longer feel.
No blood pulsing in my veins.
A walking corpse is what I am.
Only a metaphor of life it's self.


Anticipating for it too begin,
So I can once feel again.

I've always aspired to have a full appetite and to be able to love my body as well.
Image after images portraying women as petite and srxual, deluding our morals.
May we follows these guidelines societies assigned us or rise above the oppressor and learn to love ourselves wholly and truthfully because "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and if that is so you cannot control what others perceive of you yet you may come to an understanding that loving yourself for all and within will bring you nothing less than contentment

A graveyard of justifications
Presuming that others would ask
Outrageous exaggerations filling my lungs as false assumptions carry on
I'm asked to eat but I can't hold anything down without feeling sick
Sick of my angst
Sick of self pity
Sick of how I've become lost

I push for a higher understanding
Maybe I feel empty because time is awaiting for something to fill
Yet time seems to be what slowly kills

An abyss of mixed emotions and distortions
My body was once a temple, now  detrimental

Last spring I lay in a bed of comfort
Painted with stability, a profound confidence radiating throughout my body
Yellow for the sun that'd kiss my skin farewell
Red for the overwhelmed vitality of love; intimacy at it's pure
Green for a lucid state of mind free of chaos and anticipation
Purple, the memories I'd take for granted soon forgotten

My silhouette lay twined amongst the vines that'd seep from the ground
Weaving between blades of grass
Accompanying my restful soul
that seemed to have gone unbothered

Summer, Autumn, Winter
Mocking what felt as my last breath
I'd lay that spring in a bed of thorns
Bathed in red from lust and broken hearts
Tormented with a ray of yellow, I'd long for a kiss farewell

I lay that season in a different state than that of which once occurred
Encountering it with a hope of autumn leaves falling alongside my worries
Amongst new colors I'd desire to lay
In search of a virtuous amour pro-pre

Unrest .
Unease.
No actual blank mind.
No inner peace.
No calm.
Growing weary.
Growing apetite.
Don't force me upon the truth, because all i've been built on is lies.
For when I fall I'll just be a dead exaggeration.

The cut you left on my heart is not the first of many to come.
Deeper compared to the others I admit.
Nott healed just yet.
The same pain.
Similiar situations.
Soon to be all overcome.
I have no doubt this will be afixed.
Staying clear of you, it'll mend into a scar, just like the rest.
Leaving in imprint, but not a setback.
This pain shall end.
This encounter, conquered.
And thats really whats keeping me together right now.
Me.
My Self.
And I.
I lost you, yet in the midst of it all.
I found myself.

Habits or nature?
Or am I a failure?
It's resurfacing like a determined child.
Born to have gone wild.
Shall I bury it benith my feet?
Or await my defeat?
Oh they ask why I write poetry if it's always the same.
Confusing. Alluding. Manic. Erratic.
It's not writing but more like my life. Sunflowers and kisses? Isn't that all lies?
Yet you've never seem wonder why you hear cries?
I sit here trying to please you.
While you are on que.
It's not just one person.
You all seem to worsen.
Why call me out when you don't want to hear a shout?
I'll let you in on a secret....
There's no such thing as sweetness.

Subatomic pieces filling in
missing spaces
A puzzle to become one

Every laugh every tear
Every memory shared

Your smile with my smile
Our breath falling in sync

Only patience
Don't ponder
Our love is a wonder

It's silly how a few hours past I was drowning in despair, despite the fact that I still can't comprehend why I broke my streak of panic attack free
Silly me can't stand a loud crowd
Silly me let's it get to me
Silly me is lost in some cloud
Silly me freaks when he speaks
For that voice I've heard before
Singing me to sleep
Now I find it a bore
I tend to be pessimistic in the comfort of my home
But today I let it climb a shore
Silly me. I won't let it be.

As the light begins to fade
The Windows begin to shade
I watch our memories flash
Knowing they've already past
All I feel is ***** coming up with you as the after taste
My body too numb to remember what you did to me
It seems only at night
My darkest of fears shine right past my guard
I'm left with only dreams of you
To guide me through
Hate is what I'm supposed to feel for you
But sorrow is all I can manage torwards you

Here's a poetic piece of ***** for you my friends
Depression creeping into your life relapsing after a year of no symptoms while avoiding the fact that you don't feel any remorse nor comfort, hell you feel nothing at all so you sleep away your pain or find an escape in *** and drugs and alcohol but when it wears off after a few hours youre placed right where youbleft off, but please NO don't feel pity I've been here and I've been ThERE and no one helped me last time but myself so please don't touch me, leave me to drown and at the last moment, the last second, ill resurface, or not

What if I was happy from the start?
what if my parents bond was stronger than the freedom of divorce?
what if kisses bruised my face in exchange for those brutal hands?
what if my dad held me in his arms a little longer?

Maybe I would have never alluded to the conclusion that a broken family is a healthy family.
maybe I would have learned that self hate is a vile disease, deteriorating from the inside out.
maybe I would have never searched for sanction in lustful boys whom fed into my daddy issues.

Maybe I'd be sane, clear of mental illness-
Or in expense for my self destruction I'd find content in a solitude of isolation-

What if I was happy from the start, will there ever be such a possibility?

They're biting their toung, vividly picturing a perfect vision of  themselves.
Crossing they're sweaty fingers,
While trying to hold still they're shaky hands.
We all want others perspective of ourselves to be someone were not.
We're not doing it to impress them.
But to prove to ourselves that if you want to be someone so bad you might actually turn into them.
(DM&C;)

I used to be scared.
Fearful of the months to come.
I was raised with lost trust.



It's not you that I ever feared.
You've shown me love.
Passion.
Respect.
And care.


You my darling, are something different.
Nothing I've ever imagined.


Your like a dream.
My dream.
With passion deeper than my own.


I'll hold on to you tight.
Never let you go.
Love you endlessly and free.


For you've helped me break down those walls.
No longer isolated.
Open to new love.
You've proven me wrong, that I can still trust.


(And at one point I trustED you)

Its 2 a.m and i suppose i should be resenting some boy who's broken my heart or maybe relating my life to every cliche movie scene. Yet somehow all that's crossing my mind is how badly i needed a laugh. I needed a night where i could not let go, but let in. The cold air reassuring me that what I'm living is reality. I smiled and i didn't have to reassure my self it wasnt fake. How strange it was to realize that i feared my own fate. Not that i approved of the memories i built upon lies. But the unrealistic scenarios I played in my head seemed to distract me from the truth. Hiding behind a closed mouth with an open mind. Life hit me harder than the realization that i had to grow up. Confront the lies i built & deal with scenarios i dare not to imagine. Confronting the fact that life wasnt a desicion yet death is a given option. I realized i have two choices, live through reality or die between the lies.
All i can say now is im no longer afraid of my reality.

I have this strange theory about perspective that the way we live our lives is based off of perspective. The way you judge your self, others, your attitude, what you do, what you see, what you hear, what you believe,  what you can and cannot learn. But it's ultimately up to you if you are willing to have a broader perspective on life and stop looking at things from your point of view but from others and I find it so fascinating how each and every person has their own perspective and how they can teach one another a different way to look at something...

My optimism turned
Into pessimism, It took over.
Waiting for my turn,
Yearning to be heard,
I searched for a way out;
Clawing, Screaming, Scratching, and Crawling.
I found an escape,
But it lasted nothing but a day.

You told me you loved me. I replied "what is love?" You told me you'd show me. I let you go on.

You hold me as if I'm fragile, yet you're aware that I can bare more than I appear.
You kiss me and I slowly wane to you.
You whisper in my ear the sweetest of words and I fall a little harder.
You look at me as though you can see within me, past my physical intentions.
You touch my lips, my heart stops.
You caress my face as you kiss my forehead,
I attempt to catch my breath.
Our fingers intertwine as you kiss every knuckle,
I melt within.
You sing to me the dearest of lyrics to help me sleep.
You call me just to say you love me.
You worry if I've eaten or if I've made it home. You worry if I'm upset or weary.
You ask of my past.
As if to catch up on what you've missed.
Even though you know we have the whole future to attend.


I told you I didn't know what love is. You replied " I'll show you".  

Love, when I can't go a day without you crossing my mind.
Love, when I'm in my happiest place yet I still feel as though you should be by my side.
Love, when I long for your presence, just so I can hold you.
Love, it's the honest truth.
Love, it's more poetic than any poem I write for you.

Hot to the touch
Sweet to the tounge
A bitter burning sensation staining last nights regrets
Forbidding today to take a turn like yesterday
For my heart is healing
Forgiveness
Failure
Fear
Breaking past the mind set of chains
Reclaiming a new testimony
Threatening the temptation with a bond of a higher power

No beauty within.
Nothing less than a jealous vitality.
Wanting to be sufficient.
Soon to be omitted.
Inattentive remarks straining a clasp on my optimism.
I fought for this sanctity, yet all i recieve is insufficiency.
Why do i require to fulfill others perceptions, when i established my center point, my high.
Should it bring trouble to others?
Shall i yearn to keep them content?
Thier wondering eyes demand to be settled on themselves.
While i propose to live the way i desire not them.

She takes in deep breaths trying to savor the taste of nature
Amused by the opulence
Her bare lips against the wind
Enchanted by the view
Laughing along with the birds tune
Soaking in the vibrant sun
Her vacant mind wondering off to the blisfull trees

I can hear the music in the background
Cold sweat rolling down my chest
My heart pounding to the beat becoming one with another
Hitting every eight count  
Leaping across the floor higher than before
The louder the music the faster my pace
Nothing on my mind, my body getting lost to the music
Smiling because they’re watching
Hair in my face
Adrenaline running
Feet aching
Body ready to collapse
Pushing for the next count
Knowing every pointed toe, releve, and turn can break it or make it.  
Striving for more, because
Dance is what I live for.

Never believe a girl with a yellow smile and misleading intentions,

As she presses her tabaco stained lips against your skin she releases a depressive buzz paralyzing your thoughts
Inhaled smoke filling the empty space a heart is to rest while her melancholic warmth hugs your body and chars your throat
She can see the pain gleaming from your eyes and yet still continues to kiss your stomach into knots

The truth finally rolling off the tounge
Or was it that she couldn't stand the bitter after taste?

Good thing you left before you became her second hand smoke

Milagro;

Las palabras de su boca no tienen sentimento

You loved me; like no one ever had
So when they held me back with chains
Leaving you without a trace, I fought;
I gave you a shot, the pain left me with no name,
The shame people considered it a game,
But I’d give it my all, just to give you a call
My scars shown as bright as stars,
But I didn’t care because you were always there.

A            beautiful               disaster,
     Reflecting       off      the     mirror;                            
                                     A         peaceful     S T O R M
rolling                         through                 town;

                              A           creative          mess,
  on         the      museum                 wall;
              A           fearful              fighter,    
          Overcoming           his                 anxieties;
               Listening            to the             art,
          While       watching      the           music,
A                    mess         born            sdrawkcab;
Living                         inside                            out.

Misconceptions. Betrayal. Ruthless decisions. Again. Striking us as the black crow in the flock of pigeons. She's playing with the demons for an interest but when she's no longer amused they loosely stick around. She's gone to far. They must drag her in further. Overtaking her. Oh her children turning to drug abuse running wild while hiding behind a mask. Reaching her soul they can taste her regret. Self harm. And mental disruption. They're inside her head leading her in vain. Envying her little happiness. Pumping her blood with venom. Dark and misleading. Should she have not played with one to many, maybe our lives would be back to normal.

I've never token interest  in the weather until we started making calls. It's the same conversation replayed.
What are you doing? Nothing.
How was school? Good.
How's the weather?. It's cold in the mornings but by the afternoon it tends to fade.  
Are you okay? Is something wrong? He notices something in my voice. I catch my breath and fake a laugh.
"I'm exhausted from dance it's nothing dad"
I miss the memories that were never there.
The memories that will never be there.