I am no longer sure if I wish more to be
a poet,
or a poem,
or if I even wish to be
at all.

I should warn you right now
That you probably should go
There are secrets about me that you will never know

I'm not a girl to love
Because my love doesn't last
I fall so deeply in love so quickly
And fall out just as fast

These secrets are everything to do with it
And they have complete control
So don't ask me to let you in
Because they force me to say no

These secrets are demons
Who tricked their way in
They turned my pure and innocent heart
Into darkness and sin

This numbness is the best friend
That I never asked for
The one that I never realized
I bargained for

In exchange for the pain
That I felt every day
The numbness came in and asked if he could take it away

There were no terms or conditions
In exchange for relief
Just pure satisfaction
That I was no longer weak

But as time passed on
I realized what he had done
Not only did he suppress my pain
But he also stole my love

The ability to love so deeply
That pain could break me
At times I have thanked him
But more often I feel lonely

I fell in love with you
I've never had love so pure
Why my best friend, this darkness
Let it happen, I'm not sure

He's never been one to share
So I'm worried about what he'll do
That's why I'm scared to let you in,
Because he never makes room for two

I think I gave him my soul..
And he ate it with a smile
As he kindly burned the pain away
And swept the ashes into a pile

He showed me how to live without love
Sometimes I feel like I owe him
For mentoring me as I grew up
I used to be thankful to have him

I realize now that I messed up
And I made a mistake
I can't be happy without your love
And I can't have love without pain

I shouldn't have let him take over
My soul became nearly black
I can survive on your love
So I'm accepting all of the pain back

Your love is strong enough
To carry my dark and regretful past
I trust you with my life and my heart
I believe that we could last.

he loves me
and i see it in his eyes
i see it when he pushes my hair back to kiss my neck
and it terrifies me

he knows me
and i hear it in his voice
when he laughs and calls me ridiculous when i collapse
in ticklish mirth beneath his touch

he adores me
and wouldn't hurt me for the world
i know it when he tells me i could never let him down
and i tremble under the weight of his words

I felt something hard hitting me from behind.
I knew it was something sharp.
It stabbed me down to my spine, destroying each nerves from my craniosacral down to my thoraculumbar,
leaving my whole body numb.

But that didn’t matter,
because I still felt for everything,
and it was so much more painful
from what I expected.

Blood started dripping from my open wound
and I sensed that it slowly traveled
outside my body.
There was some kind of weird heat
as each drop touched the linings of my flesh.

I cried because I knew things will be that way,
and I can never redo whatever damage has been inflicted upon me.

I gathered my guts to finally turn my head
to get the sight of my murderer.
Both of my eyes widen
as I saw your face.
It was you all along.