I lost the 10lbs I wanted to.
I'm at a healthy BMI.
I don't starve myself, I've lucky genetics
I work hard, I exercise on days off.

But now I want to be 115lbs, beautiful,
With a voice like Karen Carpenter,
And a heart as careless as the weather
I want to work hard to understand the long hours my ex worked,
Though my mom reminds me she worked much harder, longer hours, 16 to my 12.
I want to be as exciting and vapid and beautiful as the girls you like
Though that's not why you don't want me, and I'll never be
As beautiful as they.
I want to be as capable and desirable as others would have had me be
In order to have kept me,
When they never would have wanted to keep me anyway.
I want me to be everything they wanted me to be because
The reality that they just didn't want me is too heartbreaking
And my heart's too broken to keep living with rejection for just being me.
So I'll keep wasting away until I'm so thin and perfect I just slip out
Of existence.

I used to date
Now I just hate
It's a little
Silly stringing
Me along when you say
It's better if you go away
Tripping down a road
With water streaming between
Can't help but think
That the separation of my legs
And the stream, that's all it takes
Seeing what we'd never be
A bee and ant will never live in harmony

I used to love
Crushed by a dove
White feathers
Floating blood down upon
My arms,
I scratched,
Against the thorns,
You spit from your teeth
Come on closer to me

If we are, we are
But I don't pretend to know it
Side-stepping affection gone putrid
It's stupid
Thinking I got along fine
Before I left you behind

I used to connect
Warmth, I used to let
Fill up a gas tank
Leaking slowly
Open a valve like a locket
pour in the oil
I used to date it,
But now I hate it,
This crap you're giving out
Won't sustain, I'll clog the spout

And if I scream in anthology
Analogy, metaphorically,
Speaking, I'm going to die.

Hindsight may not be 20/20 after all.
Because after years of thinking I had the answer,
I still have no idea what I could have done
To keep you.
To still have you.
And even now, I fall.

In an instant I've awoken, I don’t really see the sky
I know rain falls from it on the shingles time to time
Little tinny voices are my alarm set on repeat
And it makes me feel so sorry not to wake up on some
Coriander washed London street
Still the smell, our Petrichor perfume, sitting in the air
Reminds me of our mornings, taking in a winter dare

Where I’d not rise easy to rainfall in the bleak misty dawn
Listening instead, your breath against the pillow I now indent upon

He took RDR2
He left the shirt I gave him in my car
He was long gone - before I had even driven far
Waited downstairs for the cops,
While I sat on our bed in shock
Night ended with me in the hospital,
He in the stocks.

Lonely and heartbroken, back in my home state
Observing the mess we made
While neither of us can bear to hear the country songs
We mired our love in,
He's probably passed out drunk from confusion
While I'm left up and sobbing,
Wondering how I get it so wrong so often.

It's a dead end heat, walking along the black asphalt,
Gravity pulling heavy on my ankles, needling my sore shoulders,
As various A/C units kick on, droning against the dead leaves,
Heavy as rushes at the edge of a pond.
I can almost smell the moss and peat and crave the cooler air,
Mouth watering for that earthy atmosphere and paths, outside this blistering concrete,
On and on the days drone on, on and on they fly by, and I'm missing,
Hours spent inside back tracking hours, reminiscing the haze
Over an abandoned playground, or the touch, of a forgotten moment,
Blood slowing, shutting down, circulation sluggish, dead,
Trying to cool down for just a breath

Preset
What can I get for you this evening?
Preset
Do you happen to have our stubs card?
Preset
Would you like a receipt-
Wait.
Error.
Error.
Preset.
Is there anything else?
Preset
Do you have any rewards on your card?
Would you like me to see if there are any?
Preset
Would you like to use your rewards today, or save them?
Preset
Would you like a receipt?
Preset
Have a wonderful night. Day. Evening. What time is it.
**** why did I preset that phrase...

Hello!
Preset
What can I get for you this... today
Preset
Large....? Soda, popcorn?
Preset
I don't set the prices
Preset
I am a robot. Cashier number 18. I have 10 modes and 30 presets.
Would you like to hear Maltesers BOGO preset?
2 for 6 preset?
Hot Dogs are Out, preset?
I don't have any receipts, please don't yell at me preset
Funny joke based on your N7 jacket or Pokemon Go app preset?
Ha.
Ha.
Preset
I apologize for your wait, give me one moment I'll be right with you-
With you-
With you-
WitH yoU

I missed you.
I'm so glad we're together again.
You look amazing.
How's the studying going?
Is the Greenhouse finished?
I guess we should **** the garden, today.
Teach me to make Rhubarb pie?
You don't know how to dice garlic!
Let's go to sleep.
I love you.
Let's go outside today.
I'd like to make pizza for dinner tonight.
Let's see a movie.
Movies.
Let's lay on the floor with a fort of blankets and pillows and drink wine
And watch movies..
Let's be you and us.
Let's.
LeT's
Go to the movies....
Presets Deleted

Would you like anything to drink, with that?

Baby unlock your window, I'm coming over tonight
Yes there might be a draft, but this is all that we have
For a ****** romance in the night
I can't walk in the door, I might wake someone up
Yes I'm not ashamed, but who could be blamed
If they saw us and said it was love?

Fingers
Wrap around my waist
One hand curled in over my back
Your headrest isn't solid board and creaky springs
I'd laugh but it would fall flat as
Against the curve of knees over knees and face to shoulder blades
I cushion you. Curled into me more than around me and
We look silly because I'm so much smaller than you

She opens her mouth and sap pours out.
They speak about their desires. Someone who won't leave after two weeks. Someone who won't break away.
I'd laugh but it would fall flat as
I'm the one who leaves after a day.
Isn't that the worst? No. I can think of so much worse. Then they speak about me. "You better hold onto her" and "she's good people" or "don't they look adorable?" then "he stole my cuddle buddy"
Then they kiss.

I try not to move, much.
I'm the reason they stayed.
But the man behind me is better behaved. And he doesn't want me for more than my warmth. And he's never slept the night here, not unless I put him there. So I stay. And I listen to the two on the floor. And feel the crick in my neck start to get sore.

Legs
Wrap around my thighs
One foot atop mine
Your breath isn't evened by force
When I turn to you I want to cry
but it's a thought away from falling asleep
So I fall asleep with you.

California. Land of the In-And-Out, the glitz, the glamour. The noise of traffic to burst the bees out of her hive mind. Okay, so In-And-Out wasn't as good as Biggerton's Burgers. That **** was endorphic, but at least anything was better than nothing.
At least, unlike South Dakota, there didn't seem to be any Llama farms around. She could live with that. It was actually pretty nice in LA. Noisy, hot, next to water. Her pyrite keychain (swiped) dangled from her keys as she turned off the Mustang (swiped, but undeniably hers) and pocketed them. Run-down Motels never went out of season. It would be treason against nature for them to. ******, broken-spring beds and tepid showers, loads better than her backseat though.
It would be easy to take in the habit of throwing trash around her car, she mutters. Half remembering all her garbage dump trips (neighborhood yards and fast food restaurant bathrooms taking the brunt of it). Agent Runaway laughs as she stretches her arms above her head.
There's a base in San Jose. Screaming, electric shocks, experiments. Like her. Just not... successful. With a mad woman on the loose, they've cut back spending. Put it all on her. And what a gamble that was, she hummed. But there were plenty of off-radar, illegal, operating sublets. She'd need one to solder her pretty little mind back together.
Agent Runaway stifled a yawn and clawed her way into her motel room, barely kicking the door shut and collapsing on the bed. In minutes she'd shut down all her sensors, stop listening to the babble of the old woman who'd handed her her keycard at the desk and the squabbling couple next door. She was asleep.

I have always loved broken things,
That I, in lack of care,
Became a broken thing, too

Would you love me in a hundred ways?
In goodmornings and goodnights,
Flowers and falling ill,
together on the couch with an Xbox
And a box of Kleenex between-

Would you love me in words unsaid,
Good deeds unseen and bouts of malicious intent
forgiven. IF I could be forgiven. That you would forgive me
In each of these hundred ways you love me

I need to get out of this town
I want to feel alive
I need to feel the fire
Because I'm dead inside

I can't kiss a thing,
Without tasting ash
You're the last good thing
That made my armor crack

Now it's rusting down
And I'm feeling the burn
God I'm chasing this town
A jail I did nothing to earn

Eve of Christmas Eve,
Cross-legged in my reindeer tights,
Sipping stew from a spoon,
Spoon should be bigger, stew needs more meat
More seasoning, I should adjust the ***
Simmering, boiling, stirring
Christmas record playing in the living room,
Lights above the door frame, lights about the fireplace
Lights on the trees outside in the drive

So it's warm in the kitchen, warm from cooking
Baking cookies, chopping onions
This old wood house gets cold but that's alright,
While we keep the fire alight
You'll come in from chopping firewood in the snow
Spin me round and bury into my neck, your icy nose
While I yelp
"Put me down!
Or else kiss the sugar and cookie dough that I missed
Off my cheeks, and just for good measure, my lips"
I forgot to hang mistletoe

It's eve of Christmas eve, my toes tucked under your thigh
Under this blanket we've curled within
There's nothing but a hunk of bread left on the table, the record's spent, and on the TV, credits roll.
A small plastic tree on your desk,
Presents in the closet ready to go
The fire laying low, as we drift asleep, the snow drifts grow outside,
I've got nothing left on my wishlist, no more dreams I can never unwrap, if you just promise...
No, just this is quite alright.

My cells are renewing all the time,
You've never touched this new skin of mine
Yet I feel your touch on me all the same
My old cells can't die fast enough
One day my mind will deteriorate
To where I won't remember my own name
But I will still remember I'm missing someone-

It's all the same

"I'm just a call or text away," he says
I don't love him much, he's gentle
Unassuming, lackadaisical in our conversations
He'll reply when he wants, it's on my schedule
His presence on my phone won't consume me,
And I care, where he's going, what he studies, where he works
I know his favorite movies, I guess, his favorite parks, his number

I wish it could stay this way, always.
The part where you just meet somebody whose addition to your life though subtle, is duly noted.
You'll notice if they're not there for a week,
but you don't need constant reminders
Before they start wanting more, or replace you
Before I want more, or drift away
Before "I'm only a call or text away" becomes a relic of the past

Programming Incomplete:
"I don't wish to be alone"
Soundlessly voiced.
Recorded - Self Sentience is Shut Down
Program Rebooted.
Subject remains silent.
Lagging in Productivity.
Time Unmarked.
Logistics, programming, efficiency logistics sufficiently run.
Sufficient.
Program is reinstated.

They're watching me, in the reflection off the water,
The sunspots behind my eyelids,
The tread of my tires.
They're watching me from the corner of the room,
The feedback when I sing into the mic,
The shadows in the corners of my eyes.

I'm not possessed, but the angels of death,

Keep watch, over their own- made flesh.

Eclectic songs from foreign lands, spiritual and wild
Are his voice,
And he is nature and attention with behavior as the river flows,
He loves as a buck and carves as a woodsman,
A home and a hearth to heat.

His eyes betray the ghost of eyes I knew before,
But I do not know their story, only
That it puts me at ease in his front seat.

Exhilaration in the act of climbing again,
In sitting on the riverbed naked, fed grapes by artful fingers.
Wonder in the sunbeams shifting through the trees
Awe in the act of a kiss, and
Comfort in a beer and a drag and the warmth he has
to offer.

Were I the primordial force I would claim to be,
I would take his hand and bid him to come away with me
To live in the woods and love by the water.

And I only ever wanted to be symbiotic,
To be loved and in love.
Trained myself to forgive every hang-up I thought someone
Could throw at me,
And guarded myself not knowing, my guards could be the end
Of some things beautiful.
And beyond the hurt, we're still here word-for-word
Don't you want me?
Don't you regard me?
Isn't that more than enough, more than enough and just,
Breathtaking?
I never thought of vows someone and I could make as truth,
But here you are.
With no need to seek or try, in fact sometimes in failing,
We just are.
Maybe four years isn't enough to know someone but
Regarding the fragility of life I-
Oh,
Just shut up and kiss me.

If my dad were still alive, he'd say,
"Kyra I didn't raise you to be this way,"
"I'm so disappointed in you, you're squandering your youth,"
"Didn't amount to much in College, and can't keep a job,"
"You're lazy and a slob, and I don't like your tattoos,"
"I think you cut your hair too short,"
"I don't know what to do with you,"
He'd say, "Your financial skills are lacking, you run off with those the same gender as you,"
"And you're always moving around, with your head in the clouds."
And I know it's all true.
But daddy, I grew up to be just like you.

There's a ghost of a man who cared,
And I wonder.
If there's no turning back, why is my heart on full attack?
For a man who was never there.

Be that *****
The one who strung em up like trysts
Little popcorn kernels in her gums
Be that *****
Who picked them as weeds
And kept the thorns in a back pocket
Be that *****
Who kissed them away as lipstick stains
On a broken mirror packed tightly away
Be that *****
Coddling a text message
As if it were a runaway child
Be that *****
On that summer’s eve
With miles of distance in one hand
Be that *****
Who broke her own **** heart
Trying to glue it back together again

Sometimes I feel low, you told me I don’t have to be so,
I text you when I’m feeling lonely
But when the night, slowly fades to day,
You’re just as far away, oh, oh
Give me a break
Give me a rhyme
Give me a response
Before we run out of time
With this clock on the wall, and the kettle on the stove
There’s no other place to go
Love is all that made me feel new
Far too late for we’ve got to talk it out
You just shut it down
Can you find me a purpose?
Can you find my better half
I catch your voicemail a second time,
And I begin to laugh

Sometimes I feel low, you told me I don’t have to be so,
I text you when I’m feeling lonely

I unzip all the progress I've made, like a suitcase,
And it all comes tumbling out, every accomplishment,
Every moment I felt a little bit lighter and a little bit better,
I am suffocating. The air is tight and heady and I am choking on it.
I shouldn't be here - shouldn't be here - don't want to be here
Where on earth should I be instead?
It's clammy, I'm queasy, I dread this
Let me throw it all away
Hide my baggage in a dumpster, hide my thrice ****** worries in an
ashtray
Brand name purses of tightly packed I-feel-betters
Lost in luggage claim, their discount replacement from customer service
Just another lie to swallow.
I don't want to wake up again, again, until I have my piece of the world
To own. To fret over. To fill. To be prided on and loved in.
Until then I am a jumble of taut nerves and plans
If no one's got one, then I should have, and
Backpacks, dufflebags, crates, I shouldn't have left my happiness
In things that would arrive too late

I keep checking to see if you've called
(you haven't of course)
I'm just tired of feeling stuck on hold-

So I take each step, heel to toe,
On this tightrope, swaying
Alone
I used to do cartwheels
On the balance beam
And fly through the air
Parallel bars.

I jumped off a bridge, climbed myself up rocky ledges,
Zipped over canyons
Dreamed of repelling down mountains

I'm afraid of falling like I never have before
Trembling here on a rope beneath the stars

There's just one thing I want you to know
Please don't catch me if I decide to let go

I lay on stained mattresses amidst oil paintings and mirrors
Lattice veils of mascara run down my pallor cheeks
As I stare down at the blood pooling in my outstretched hand
Reflections stare down at me, winged ******* and soldiers
All eyes across the room staring down with me, to the checkered floor
My pale pink toes brush the tile, the soles black smudging the gloss
White, blaring, chandeliers above, candelabras with jeweled adornments
Gracefully falling downwards like tears, my own indenting upon satin sheets
Wrapped tight around my legs, falling loose around my shoulders
Caping me, hanging open at my ******* bruised and swollen
Though I've no babe, and so, I clench my eyes against the staring
Chiding me, beguiling me, burned in behind my eyelids there,
you. are.
Whispering like chiffon, along with the fabric of my dress beneath your manicured fingernails
Tracing the edges of my gooseflesh and regaling me with tales of woe
and wonder, of the conquests of art, fine frames and fantastic auctions
Our freedom, held capricious on the winds of chance, before
Now love, our love, your love, provided such an opportunity, a chance to fly away
This you mumbled to my neck with adoring kisses
as relieving as fresh rain against my skin, hands tuning the zipper along my back to play such a fine melody like a phonograph
A pretty thing, to be molded by such hands, with as much regard as handling a Monet painting

I see it clearly after all

Slender fingers bite, holding fire from a gun
She sees the moon linger above the cool waves, blue flames
Trills of music from a box wound into her ethmoid bone
Love songs from another world
Lifeless, icy lips upon her palm, sliding each boot off arched white feet
She looks at them, looking at him, unseeing
Gliding on dancer's legs across the stone, feeling hollow
A shallow, dark crevice in her lungs, slim bones ringing
Clumsy hands unwinding strips of linen from her chest,
Salve binding each lid to its brother, inside there are stars
Bright, unending, singing coarse to the nape of her neck,
A beautiful embrace of salt finding each exposed bit of skin as she slips
The cloth hanging lightly across hips and stomach, the barren, sunken
Stretch of muscle beneath
He reaches, unfinding, dips his tongue across the stuck-out vertebrae across a worn, stretched spine
Stark scars written like poems into her ribs
Barest caress of nail across her illness, lost, within the blue-green waves of the sky
He wraps all she's known into a breath, the call of gulls and the fear
Of twisted sheets
Shaken strength sends her to the window, sewn
Peace willed, token
Slender fingers deft on golden clasps, butterflies hanging neatly
Clavicle to clavicle, intent to fly free
Palms entwined on the swell of the back of her calf,
Drawn out dreams, tongue rested well and full at the bottom of her jaw
Air and ocean stilled, contingent upon the trigger rested
Barrel trained between cool eyes, aside her wan mouth
Warmth flooding from his boiled blood, thrumming against her back
Constellations bleeding across her shoulders, dripping cool
Painting trails into a cruel smile
Slender fingers sting clean flesh, unfettered by the world
She sees the blue flames dance and reaches, long forgetting the gun
Sweet music released, a harmony from each heartbeat
Kisses
And nothing, sweet nothing, save trickling tears

Kelly came over to steal my boyfriend yesterday. It was a Monday.
She wore baby pink lipstick and her favorite new labret piercing
That meet-me-outside thunder-rolling-in hooded gaze
And a judgement call towards me that I could never meet. Well, maybe on a Wednesday. But in that I was out of luck.
It was dangerous to watch her pull up on her Viper, trail her polished fingertips along his truck. I saw her hike her skirt and shake her choppy mangled hair out from where it matted under her helmet.
I thought, at least, he'd noticed when I'd taken the brush out of my pack that morning and groomed as he bustled around the house. No?
He always did like his women wild. I'm not jealous, I'm envious.
She crept in the door and removed her shoes where I'd just ***** inside, and with her barefeet padded into the livingroom.
Now you can tell I was on my guard, but I wasn't in the mood to pounce.
You have to be, to do what she did. You have to make that decision early. Bite a lemon, shave your legs, set the intention in your mind. That someone's heart is going to get broken, some guy is going to get stolen. And this time it was mine.
So I just sat on the couch bewildered as she broke him into a smile, on a subject only people in town would understand. Do I look like I'm from town, or know hell about it? It ached so to be prodded in that scab.
She left after dropping off some bottles and a snide comment at my expense.
She didn't come back today, but neither did he. And I know.
I let him get away. Or if he's stray then he deserved to get got,
I still love him, however,
Now I love Jack, Jim, and Jerry, a heckuva lot!

You look at me,
Filled with adoration and pride.
You look to me,
For a love I fear I cannot hide.
You look at me,
With trepidation and disappointment,
You look at me one moment,
Like I'll shy away, like you want me near,
Then you look at me,
Like I am stronger than I appear,
Still you look at me.
Dismissive or attentive,
And I look at you, oh yes I look at you,
Look on with pride, with love, with fear
I look at you, like you'll never see me looking,
Like I'm too afraid to show my feelings,
Like I don't see you watching too,
When I look at you
What are you feeling, I wonder, what must I be?
That you look at me.

The cuts are warm on my hips
Blood and heat is primal, tangible,
Human and animal
I escape into my mind more and more and more and more
I can't remember the dreams, but being
Someone else, with different thought patterns
Different goals, different family, different loves
I can feel the cuts in my thigh while I dream
Holding and encasing, pressing in and blanketing
I know the dreams don't want to break, but break like a fever
If I didn't have to wake
I'd never live a life I'm willing to take.

You don't want to talk, and maybe that's okay
Maybe you don't think anyone would care, either way.
I just want to tell you, I think your soul is beautiful,
I think you're worth the fight.
I know you're doing awful, I know your world is gray, I know you're not alright.
I'm not here to tell you it'll all work out, I'm not here to pick you up and dust you off, I'm not here to bring color into your world.
But I am here to tell you that I think you're an incredible girl.
He/they/whatever.
I'm here to tell you not to sever all your ties,
I'm here to tell you to save your goodbyes.
And save your lies. You don't have to be fine.
You can be fine some other **** time.
Right now, it's okay to break, and break hard.
Until you're better, whether that's years or days,
I'll be your faithful guard.
You can scream, shout, cry an entire lake.
You don't have to cling to your last card,
You can have played your hand, had your one last stand,
It's okay
I'll be your one-man fan, reminding you that what you want to do, you absolutely can, and will do anyway.

For I am lonelier still, surrounded by those who cannot fall and break along side me, but only stand in my light when it matches theirs.

It's bad again, wish I could tell you different
That the laundry and trash aren't piling up
Tell you I don't have to talk myself down from panic attacks
I get them every other day and some days, twice
I wish I could tell you anything at all, but I'm coping
Hopefully I'm coping.
I wish I could tell you I make more than I spend
I wish I could say I'll come home for a weekend
And when my ex sent me old photos from a vacation,
I wish I could tell you I'm still the girl who's in them

It's cloudy, the ***** is hiding up there,
In her own starry grave, but I know
She's watching me as she has thousands before
And she'll die eons before we see her light go out,
I will never live to that day, though she'll watch me still
I wonder if she's seen my children thrive, watched them age?
In a way I never will, and she's laughing, I know, at time
At my frail mind addled by drug and drink
Will she coddle them? Will she coddle this love I hold?
Will she fight for or against me? Beg me to let go?
If she is not a guardian, she's a poor excuse for an enemy.
And I will always be, eyeing her
Cursing her stars while ever reaching towards them
Mayhaps a symbol of a man I lost. May be the throne I aspire to own
Across the sky from my own Orion,
Carved into my skin
Driving me home.

I pace this room like a ghost / picking up books
Trying to fold myself in them. I want to be a soulmate,
another half, I want to be like stardust, some white powder
You can inhale or **** on to get you high I want
To be the reason and the drive but like a drug I am also,
I am the reason you shake, you sweat, you worry and turn from the bottle, syringe, or pipe
Until I'm some forgotten college memory you were just trying
Like a memory either fond or full of regret but a memory you won't forget all the same /
While you hope your child doesn't try something like me, doesn't get hooked on someone like me because I am a stain on a perfect track record,
An expulsion from school or work, god if you'd only hid me better
I promise I can get you out of whatever you need to escape this. time.
Only I can't promise I'll get you where you're headed and if you
survive
See I'm not the heroine of your story, I might just be an echo
Of a star trying to burn her way home, through any means necessary
But unlike that star, that drug, that ghost, I care if I hurt those people around me and in that, around me, I'll always feel alone.

I'm sick of this christmas music
The holy and tinsel and
The way my too-tired friends will jaunt around
Telling me the girl who stared them down in their first week at College was a *****, and the guy who never slept alone was trying to make up for the Lab he missed last Tuesday, and how they snuck a look at the group behind conformity buildings one and two on game night
Then we'll walk into the consumerist shops glitzed up, marveling at the sales, and we're broke, but I'll pay for you,
And we'll ***** and fit and smile tight because we missed each other we missed these outings we missed this performance we used to put on
We'll run out of things to complain about.
In the middle of World Market or Ross I'll sing a verse from the song on the speakers and curse when it cuts out for a cashier's announcement.
You'll groan and promptly leave me in the aisle.
Not entirely lost, but I'm sick of trying to find you. You never leave me in the store anyway.
There are children who witnessed our display.
One is lost and yet not lost like me.
"Hey!" I shout for you, for you'll come and grin to the child, not the fake teeth you flashed me bared, you'll ask if they need help, I'll sing them a song, and I'll carry them.
You'll find their mother, who will look at us as if to say "couldn't you have waited to return them?"
It's now dark and snowing and I can't drive. So I drag you to party city and buy something stupid I'll wear when we get to our other friend's party or your house for dinner, or the junior high to delight in misery and our mutual hate.
But I love you.
I love singing songs to you off key.
I love showing you my scars and letting you rip them apart.
This is my favorite kind of Christmas.

Last night I had a dream
You left me again,
this time you hesitated.

There're torn pages, fire licking, floating through the air,
Naught save ashes, paper, charred on the ground
There's no way to read them now

I admit, the first light, flame, flicker, wasn't easy
I was guarded and yet unburned,

But the second light, that one was easier,
And it seared my skin, as well as within me,
Carving out this hole, well it hurt

Look, I get it, I was only ever just a nuisance,
I look like a drowned rat, I'm an alcoholic, you're free
I'm living in some stranger's spare bedroom,
And I'm trying to do justice to some guy's song
While my nerves are pulling me in a riptide while I'm singing
But teacher says that I did excellent, and that means everything
So I stay alive, and I **** the last vape off a faulty e-cigarette
And I close my blinds against some girl doing drugs in the soccer field
Because I'm sleeping in a suburb off LA where the lights never go off
Trying to forget trying to sleep on a couch while a friend's roommate
Was getting off, up in Hollywood
City of masks and scripts and chewed up misfits
Well I haven't blacked out drunk in who knows when, that's going for me
And when I met that guy again he told me to hang in there
Because we all know I'm a suicidal game of chicken
Or just a late night gas station casualty waiting to happen
Then somebody tells me they're happy I'm here,
And I don't live with them, and they don't know me,
And I'm pretty sure they don't want to be, involved,
But it makes me feel, maybe sticking around wouldn't be so bad after all.
After all, I can make the headlines one way or another,
....I'll figure out which way tomorrow.