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 Sep 2018 Chin-Chin
Daiene
better
 Sep 2018 Chin-Chin
Daiene
I dont want to lose you
but I dont want you to be near.
I dont want to hurt you
but all I could do is take
- take away my pride and all my inhibitions
for you to be safe.
Because i am not worth it,
never was and never will be enough
to hold you tight through the night
wishing that the morning after you'd stay.
I just wanted you to be safe
from the monster that I became
from the person I promised you I wont be
from the coward that is myself.

-I love you but you're better off without me.
 Jul 2018 Chin-Chin
Syd
Connection
 Jul 2018 Chin-Chin
Syd
I lie awake wondering if
on your restless nights
You're lying there
Thinking of me too
I haven't cried in weeks
I haven't heard from you in months
And tonight
I'm lying here
Imagining all the places on my body that you've touched
How my own fingertips do not feel like yours
Despite my best efforts
I cannot fool myself into thinking
For even one tired moment
That you are here with me again
Why tonight of all nights
Am I lying here crying?
I have to imagine of course
That this all comes back to you
That surely you're somewhere
On the other side of the world
Thinking of me so strongly that I felt it
All the way back here
And so to that I say
I feel you
You are here with me
You are always here with me
This love we share
Will never leave
Thank you for saying hello
 Jul 2018 Chin-Chin
M
You don't know
just how you've
destroyed it

Just how you've
created spaces
replaced it all with air

Just how you've
let the dust settle
in between the floorboards
and our fingers

Just how you've taken
all the thunder
and left
nothing
but the rain
the hunger i feel
the emptiness inside me
befriends my broken heart
 Jul 2018 Chin-Chin
em
recently
I got a little older,
learned a lesson or two,
like how loving someone
could never be as poetic
as I wanted it to.
like how nothing
would ever be as poetic
as I wanted it to.
how can I accept
that the miracle of love
isn’t really a miracle at all?
how can I wrap myself
in someone’s arms
when I know
that there isn’t any sort
of poetic loving involved?
how do I unlearn
the romantic thoughts
that taught me
about the fireworks,
the butterflies,
and the fluttering fingers
in the dark.
and accept that
maybe kissing
won’t be as spiritual as I thought.
maybe it’s really just a mouth on mine.
how do I unlearn my innocent heart
who lulled me into a false sense of hope
for a lover who would call
the way my body moves
art.
a lover who would feel
the poetry
in every word
I spoke in the dark.
I can't wait for the day that I find someone where I don't have to question if they want me around.

Because all this not knowing is killing my soul.
Should I message him....No.
But I want to talk to him ?
Yeah but your probably just bugging him.
But, but....
Yeah your probably right
 Jul 2018 Chin-Chin
Elizabeth
Soon I realized that nothing comes easy with love. Sometimes we aren’t always meant to be no matter how hard we try and other times we didn’t try hard enough. Sometimes we fall into love and then we fall out of it the same way we came in, crashing hard, burning, hurting, pain. I wish I could believe that love was an easy thing, I wish I could believe we’d meet again at a coffee shop in thirty years with lives of our own and realize we should have been together all along. I guess I’m wishing for a false reality that you only see on the big screen, you only read in fairytale stories. For those afraid of love I understand why, I understand that the one who told you she loved you the most and promised to never leave was the one who left you bare and cold and freezing on that December night. She left you on your doorstep, the same place you met, the same place she told you she wanted to stay. She wanted to stay but she’s up and left and all that’s left of her is her scent and those memories. Love is gone. Love is lost. You are lost.
Fairytale stories are an escape from reality
 Jul 2018 Chin-Chin
More than Man
Everything, and everyone has a price; however, most bills are overdue. I have put myself in every situation necessary to gain opportunities. To those opportunities, I throw in a bid. To those bids, I place an unmeasured but respectable effort. This bill is still due. The ladder will be climbed. The plateau will be reached: Gaining and assigning costs. Sadly, where I cannot help but stumble, and never collect, I tread. As I walk, the soppy mud pulls down at my heals. There is no exit aside from the direction I came.

This is Pursuit.

I can name heroes, such as Alvin C York, who gave up the pen and took up a rifle, leading 100’s of men through respect and fear. I read that he was a teacher that volunteered for the first World War and captured over 130 men single handed. I can work canned equations that will tell me the declining chances as the hours near closing in my office that my phone will ring. I can cite tax regulation in context to a very defined, specialized and rarely referenced subject matter. I can draw on these lessons the way a craftsman draws his tool belt; I cannot explain hours spent or define with any reason one subject matter.

This is Woman.

Far more time is wasted than spent, yet somewhere, somehow, collected. I’ve spent on the perfect screens to distract myself from this fact alone. Most men do not chase a dream they have not experienced; ignorance is bliss. Within men that try, dressing as casual as one can afford and resting their beaten hands on electronic controllers, one may find a survivor. This man will climb blindly, because he has only ever know spending. He will spend blood, sweat, tears and time to never be vulnerable. The act of collecting becomes nothing more than the means to spending, and he will never let be.

This is Myself.

I have turned off the news. I have separated ways with those that need to surpass trivial, arbitrary hurdles. I will spend down on screens no longer. I have stopped broadcasting the news. I can feel myself exiting society. Like many men before me, I have begun to pack my bags for checkout. There is no blame. There is no hate. There is no expectation. Dreams. Goals. Responsibilities. A man cannot live on food and shelter alone. He cannot pick up discarded pieces of society that are not worth their weight. This man cannot die for anyone that would not live for him.

This is My Decree.

Signed,

Without Notoriety
 Jul 2018 Chin-Chin
caitlin
i preach about self love
when it’s something i lack
i tell you to hold on
when i’m not sure i can
i comfort your worries
while mine cloud over me
i encourage you to take care of yourself
while i struggle to stand
i teach you to love what you see in the mirror
while i can’t even look into mine
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