Today it became crystal clear why no one has ever wanted me
I drag so much bagage
and am constantly followed
by demons I gave birth to

In fact some would say
It's a good common sense
to stay as far away from me as possible
Yes, maybe my fingers have the potential to do magic in the light or in the dark, doesn't matter if you are the right one
But is that all you are looking for?
Because, for once I'd rather be the full course than the cold leftover

I see youth in a haze
Sunny afternoons from Mars
Been chasing stars

World still turns
Joints burn
I go back to sunny afternoons
Still in a haze
Now I chase the Moon

Honestly, I am barely surviving without you
I now get that it never stops hurting
And all I can think of is how you look in the moonlight
How your lips were cold and slow
How my ribcage broke the moment you pulled me closer
You are alive in every corner of my mind
Feels ***** yet powerful
And I kinda love it

I can't really be alone at night
So I search for slow cold lips and knowing hands
Pain in the chest. I connect you with pain. The good kind.
I summon you at night.
Whatever I touch I leave numb

I am bisexual. I am sure of that.
I've been sure of it for quite some time now.
I came to realize something.
If I end up with a woman I am going to embrace the essence of everything that's broken and ****** up about me and claim it as my own and let it define my identity.
Now don't get me wrong that doesn't mean it's gonna be a sad life or that my female partner will make me miserable.
No!
We will have lots of amazing and breathtaking moments and happy yellow days.
But there will always be some gray in the corner of my vision.
Gray will never leave.
All of my depth will forever be in the back of my mind.
And depth requires some darkness.
But I will be fully me. Real me. A picture frozen in time.

However, if I end up with a man I will probably abandon my depths and my grays.
I will forever be feeling like some part of me is missing but I will be leading a whole new life which will be about learning to love myself and nothing will ever be broken.

Do I even make sense?
What does that say about me?

Today I visited our spot for the fist time since you’ve been gone

And as I guessed, this year spring came in suspiciously late and I knew that it was because of you. You stopped time for me. Your last miracle.

But it feels ruined in all its beauty without you here. There is no sky under which I can last without you.

You know how I always liked wearing color and I would swear I’d wear yellow to make you smile?

But after they told me you are no more I knew wearing anything but black would never feel right again.

I whipe my tears as the sun hits my face. I avoid your name only to stop myself from sinking.

I divide my being in three: before, with and after you

Now you exist in places I can’t reach with my hands and I ache while I trip over our memories and open windows.


So when tomorrow starts without you and I’ll have rising sun and tears in my eyes and coffee I will honor you.
Love of my life.

My death will be liberating.

And I do not say that in the sense
that I am going to find a cliff
and take a good jump off.

No.

I am just trying to find a
clever way to tell you

that I do not know what is going
to happen next.

You see,

there is a
fine line
between
dreaming and
mortality

and

I am finding out for myself
that being in love
does not always
involve

being awake.

And for my sake
I fall in love with daydreams,
nightmares,
hazy realities
and

the hung-over idea

of not being enough.

It is all out of my hands.
                 It is all out of time.

And the only thing I have left to do,
now,


is decide.