Maybe I need to break down
But, for the sake of being strong,
I'll force myself to hold on
God knows how long I'll last

Maybe I want to be broken down
Cause I know what pride I have
Won't let me do it
Myself

In the end, I feel I wasted the years
Working hard for something
That I knew, and I know
Will never be fulfilled

It's 3 AM
And I don't know
Where that shrill sound
is coming from.

Tantanan mo ko
Hindi ako nagbabanta upang takutin ka
Hindi nga ako nagbabanta e

Tigilan mo ko
Kasi sa bawat tawag mo
Nanlulumo ako
Sa bawat hiling mo
Sa mga bagay na wala naman ako
Mas nararamdaman ko
Na may kulang
Na may mga bagay na wala talaga sa akin kahit anong hanap ko

Alam kong trabaho mo yan
Pero please
Matuto ka namang makinig
Kasi sinubukan naman kitang pakinggan
Wala lang talaga akong maisagot

I will not ever forget
How much I relentlessly could never wait to see
The numbers behind your eyes
How, when I saw 10
I knew instantly you were sad
I saw 10 when I saw
How you kissed that pretty girl
More passionately than when you kissed me
How you saw me
As a shattered piece of China
Regretful of what was
And In pain of what you couldn't fix
I saw 9 when your dog died
And I saw 9 when I left
I saw 8 when we fought
About something you didn't do
About something important
That has now been lost in the void called memories
I saw 7 when you called off our anniversary
'Cause I got hospitalized
And you were worried sick
How you couldn't live another day without me
I saw 6 when you got sick and I called off our date
I saw 5 the first time you confessed
With all the effort
And all the flowers
In stems and in words
And I without remorse
Turned you down
I saw 4 when I confessed
With none of the flowers
Nor intentions because I thought
I was being unfair
I saw 3 on our first date
How your eyes lit up
When you saw me
In that little blue dress
And every single date after
I see 2 everytime you saw me
2, everytime we held hands
2, every single time we were together
Here I am
Wanting to go back to 1
I saw 1 the first time I kissed you
And you kissed me back
1, everytime we kissed
1, The first time I spent the night
1, Everytime I spent the night
1, The first time I told you
Oh My God I think I love you
1, Everytime I told you
My God I still do
1, The first time I told you there wasn't a forever
But I promised you
Infinity exists
And everytime single time I called you
My Infinity

My Infinity,
Infinity does exist for us
My love
It lies in what has happened
And how much we remember
How much we can grab hold of
Inside our void of memories

My infinity,
How much of a fool I am
To realize your eyes
Are only reflections of mine

My Infinity,
You haunt me every nanosend
Of every second of my life

My Infinity,
Please
Never
Let
Go.


My Self,
Find the person
Who doesn't have all those sparkly numbers
Deep within their sparkly eyes
Who never speaks of math
Nor numbers
Nor anything related to Infinity
And
Forget your love  for numbers
And never ending endings

Dear Self,
Please.

For years, I've waited
For a chance to come
To hold your hand
And to call you mine
Every year I felt
Like I took another knife to my chest
But I never said anything
Because I secretly wished
That good things came
To those who waited

You see,
I always had this dark thought
That people who rushed making decisions
Would meet their doom
Just as fast as they took their chance

But more years came
And more knives I took

One year,
I saw my chance
You held it
Like it was yours
And I was very ecstatic
That no one but you held it
You grasped onto my chance
Like it was your life
Like it was the most precious thing in the world
Then, I decided not to take my precious chance
Away from you
I decided to wait for you
To offer it to me
Because that would've felt better

I decided to wait for you
To finally hold my hand
And call me yours

I decided to wait

I subliminally agreed to myself, again
That good things came to those who waited

You continued on with your life
But you still kept my chance
I wanted you to give me my chance back
But you never did...

I watched my chance come and go
I watched you give my chance away
To someone else..
I watched as you crushed my heart
And I didn't say a word
Nor did I ever tell you
That I was hurt

I just watched you take a chance
but not on me..

And all I did
was wait..
...and watch

The clock ticks
twice
And I know
ah, I've waited too long again

The clock ticks
thrice
The air feels cold
And all I can hear
is a tearing, breaking sound
Of a heart that hoped

The living room is full of shards of a memory
A memory worth stepping on
I want to feel the tearing of skin
Feel the blood gush out as I remove each shard that tears my feet and I,
I am not a ******* but in moments like these I feel compelled to feel the burning sensation even when there isn't a fire anymore
I miss this.
The hot feeling of passion, only there isn't any passion
The hot feeling of being alive, only there isn't much reason

I don't want to be here but where else am I supposed to stay to feel like I'm still human

What makes me stay
Isn't your jade eyes
Nor your heart shaped lips
Nor your addicting smile
Nor your contagious laugh
Nor how you stare at me
Nor how you suddenly fall asleep
Nor how I'd spend all day just talking to you
Nor how you inspire me
Nor how you're just perfect
Nor how you're suddenly not so perfect
Nor how I love you
It's rather because of this connection
     Our friendship
     How you kiss me
     How you hug me
     How you give me all I want

You're everything I need
And that is what makes me stay

I'm realistic
I see that there's really no hope
Yet
I'm still that girl full of faith
Waiting for the day that my dreams
     become *reality

And I said
     So?
     Who cares if she's better
          you told me I'm the best
           and that's good enough for me
     Who cares if it isn't fair?
          you told me I was still the winner
          and that made it all the more worthwhile
     Who cares if I'm silly and even downright insane
          you'll love me anyway, right?
     Who the heck cares if I ***** up,
          tumble and fall
          or just come crumbling down

I was built and loved
      enough to stand up on my knees using my own two hands
      eventually, I'll be on my feet
      ready to fight again
And you know what?
    **I'm **** proud of that

I believe in the misunderstood, the underestimated, and the overlooked. I believe in society's want for you to stop being creative, to conform, to be ready when society tells you you're an unoriginal, uncreative human being right after you graduate. I believe death is a ***** and that the "living" don't really exist.  I believe classrooms are hell, colleges are satans, and teachers are noble but wannabe St. Peters. Grades aren't supposed to judge but everyone judges by numbers. I believe everyone hates society but fail to know that they ARE society. I believe in the failure to connect and that those who are isolated are the ones who have the most potential to be great. I believe scientists are better bosses than management graduates who are taught to follow the money when scientists are taught to follow the truth. I believe the truth is a lie and that the world is nothing but a big fat machine. People are liars, I am a liar and I  believe everyone is just dying. I believe suicide is courageous, because facing the unknown is always more courageous than facing the expected. I believe in the plastics and  the cynicals. I believe in poetry and I believe in absolutely no one and nothing at all.

Why can't
I have both.
?

I've always wondered
What could have happened if I stayed?
Sometimes I imagine
That maybe the life I always wanted
Was a life where I'd always be snuggled in your embrace
I wonder what could have happened if I turned around
If I'd made that one last glance back at you
Before fully walking out of the life we had
In every hour, in every second of everyday
I'd vividly visualize what emotion your face would've given me
And each time I do, all the feelings come back
I feel your warmth like a fire long extinguished
And I freeze to the brink of death
Frozen, but not enough to die
Certainly not enough to live
And so,
Cruelly, to satisfy myself
I decided to accept your invitation to come over
I knocked on your door again
Thrice, like I always had
The sound my peaceful fist made knocking on your door
Made me think about all the times I heard you do the same on mine
It made me think how much I wanted to rush to the door, open it and smell your scent
It made me think about how much I want to see you
But then a stranger all dressed in white opened your door
He saw my sleepless eyes
And smiled at me
Like he knew who I was
And it made me think how much I regretted leaving
And painfully regretted coming back

I want you to think of me as a canvas
I want you to paint me
     with every single technique you know of
I want you to make me feel every stroke
And I want you to make me beg for more.

What was it that they said was so important?

They said
     That I had a choice
     That it was all up to me
     That, to them,
     I was the beauty queen
     and they were my kings

They told me
     To use my voice
     To never be deceived
     To never listen
          To all those people who treated me less than I deserved
          To all those people who thought they were better than I was
          To all my inner demons
          To those who gave me nothing but the worst

They told me
     Honey, I know you're good
     To me, you're *better that the best
     Everything you are speaks perfect
     You speak innocence
     Something so surprisingly rare
     An aberrant everyone wants to consume
          as food for their tainted souls
    
     And I will be there
     When you come home beaten
     By whatever monster you've faced
  
     I will be there

But then they said
    You've got to pick this and that
     exactly those two and in exactly that order
     No questions, you just have to
     Some decisions in your life
     are just not made by you
     And, Honey, you can't ***** this up
     This is important and it's going to help you
    In the near future

Naturally, I got confused
Who can actually be trusted with words?
Which part of this generation
Do we get
Where we can actually
get to speak for ourselves?

And so I
Pleased everybody
But myself

Four corners of a room
Pulse, until four corners become
A point, I'm in the middle
Of this shallow house
Where darkness has been
present but now gone
All that lies here is
Emptiness
is all I am
And out is the only place
I want to go.

I fear change and of being forgotten, but I’ve come to realize that the essence of transcending my own life is not merely limited to that of memory, trinkets and remembrances. Similar to a mother tree, my roots will go deeper and the seeds that I have created will continue to plant seeds of their own. Essentially, as I go further into the past and the future, I am connected to almost everything through my ancestors and through my children’s children. My children will remember how I was good to them and hopefully pass it on to their own children. The people carrying me within them may change and may forget who I am and the things I’ve done. However, the values I will have instilled within my kin will become my essence and I feel that that is enough to validate my existence and my worth. It is enough for me to commit myself to make at least this possible.

I say I hate cliches, but I can't break free from them
I end up being the teen who hates her parents
I want to cry for help but who would help?
The adults?
Like that's new?
I don't even want help anymore.

I feel trapped
But the only one here to trap me is myself
I say a few words don't hurt
They don't.
I feel numb.
Dead.

I feel nothing.

What difference then is there in life and death?
They don't understand
How inviting the knife is.
Or how exhilarating heights are.
How I want to jump from the tallest building
Just
To taste true freedom.

But freedom
Is not what I want...

It want happiness.

Once, there was a person who did me wrong. At the time, I didn't know why I was so sad. But, I cried everyday. I couldn't sleep at night and only fell asleep from exhaustion as dawn broke. I wanted to hate this person. Maybe I should have. Maybe, I did.

I know I shouldn't have because she was only doing her job and I was the one in the wrong and I didn't work hard enough and I didn't have enough sleepless nights to prepare for what I should have prepared for. I didn't give myself enough to the work. I didn't give ENOUGH of MYSELF. I didn't know my priorities and I didn't realize that my actions at the time would cost me so much down the line. Or, so I thought.  I don't know.

Today I thought I didn't care.  And, I hadn't for such a long time. I've met the person I was before it happened and I was confident that I was fine. I became her again. It's been years since I...

Yet, I heard news about others who were given merit for their accomplishments. Something I should've been awarded should I have not had that one slip up. Or was it my slip up?

And I thought I was fine, after all this time. The point is.. I''m done deciding whose fault it was and really, I don't feel sad. But, I don't feel fine. I'm far from fine. I'm not mad. I'm hurt.

I feel as if the wound that I thought was a scar was still a scab and someone ripped it off to reveal that the wound never healed. I just ignored it and forgot about it. I lived as if the scab wasn't there.

I used to believe time heals all wounds and maybe it does for some people.

I see now that the magic hasn't worked for me at all.

I'd say you bring color to my life
That my life was gray before you came along
But, that would be a lie
Life was always colorful

You make me want to color it some more.

I want to color you silly
Would you do me the honor
of coloring me too?