I want to be more free in the way I live my life.
Bubble.

For so long I have lived in a bubble, refusing to explore because it was dangerous or it was disrespectful, oh, because it was  ' I said so.'

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.

I want to explore, I want to write, I want to experience, I want to live with all my might.
I need to live with all my might.
Break down the concepts that were ingrained in me.

Yes marriage is great,
But why should it be the centre of my life?
Yes money grants freedom but why must I follow material wherever it walks?

I'm bursting this bubble and escaping this mindset.

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.

Why is the phrase I'm going to **** myself used so leniently?

Is it not a statement that carries weight? or is it just a jovial way to deal with feelings and move on from it?

Why can’t we be thankful for the life we have, the breath we breathe?

Let us PAUSE for a moment.







The breath that you have today is the same breath that someone’s soul is craving for.

The day that you are living in is the same day someone else was not permitted to see.

The experiences that you have experienced today are the same experiences somebody wished to see one last time before the plug was pulled.



Please, be grateful for your life and what it entails because everything that has breath must praise the Lord.  

It is our praise to him that makes us more aware of our lives.

I apologised to him.

I let him know that I was sorry.
I had come to the final conclusion that I had wronged him on many levels.
That I was in his life to speak life into him, but I spoke death to his name.

I apologised to him.
I asked God to soften his heart, that I wished not to receive the response he gave me a year and a half ago.
My Father softened his son's heart and my now brother embraced my apology.

The one I hated is now the one I love.
The one I love with the love of God and not the love of man.

I apologised to him, after 2 years of being unable to carry out God's will for my purposeful life.
He has finally given me an understanding into the life of His son.

I apologised to him.
My heart still beats at the sight of him.

I apologised to him.
My body still pretends that it is not mine in the sight of him.
But I will not let into this feeling, fleeting, floating, it will leave me hanging, left to die, die from pain, die from embarrassment, die from rejection.

I'll wait for him to leave.
Eight more months and this will all pass by.


I apologised to him.
I now speak life into him.
But a part of me wished he saw me as much more, somewhere not so deep within.

I apologised to him.
Now it is clear that my heart yearns for him.

I do not understand love.
That is why I place myself before your eyes.
I do not understand love.
That is why I desire for you to behold me in all of my complexities.
I do not understand love.
For all I have ever given is lust.

I do understand love.
That is why I pray for you instead of allowing my heart to brood over you.
I do not understand love.
So I will try my utmost best to not gaze at you.

I do not understand love,
But I do understand that there is no future for you and I.
I do not understand love.
But, I do understand that you are going places that I have not yet been called to venture into.

I do not understand love But I understand that I am here to speak life into you.
I do not understand love,
Yet I Love You enough to not hold onto the version of a man that I have turned you into.

Lust, to consider others as mere objects of ****** desires.

The idea of the other man was one that was so unfamiliar to her.
The world of somethings or should I say someone's to whom she was strictly advised to not communicate with.

They did not realise that they were everywhere. In the streets, the churches, the buses, the schools, the screens,,,
Her school.

But when does a parent come to the realisation that their child is bound to met the other man.
Is it a day they wish would come but not too soon?

As a unit when do parent's decide that their child is ready to bear their new life in love?
Or is it a journey their child must venture into on their own?


This was a world that I had to venture into on my own.

But yet I was not alone, for no temptation that has ever enticed or overtaken me, regardless of it's source is uncommon to the human experience.
The years I served and loved the Lord allowed me to see that.

*

Sun shining through the opaque window was not something I witnessed regularly.
I would quickly pass through the mesh of other men and familiar men, attempting to not  be engulfed by their constant entrance and exiting.

I had seen this other man before but I had never permitted my eyes to view him in that way.
But the one day I gave lust permission was the day I enrolled myself into a learning season.

I learnt later on in my life that messing with the other man was something that always left me incompetent; unable to control my own body.

The wisdom I gained after this tumultuous experience lead me to understand that I firmly believed I could overtake lust but I was repeatedly and shamefully left to consume the dust that it left.

It is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life.

Keep these three in mind.

The lust of the flesh is the constant desire embedded deep in the man.
It is what triggers lust in the man's eye and leads to a growth of pride in their heart.
It is pride which directs them way from sanity and wholeness of their minds, it is lust that turns them away from their values and virtues, the God they serve and most importantly the God they love.

After granting permission to the lust of my eyes I finally witnessed this other man.
His eyes of hazel.
Hair of silky wood.

The stray rays of sunlight showed me the beauty of his beautiful brown eyes.
My heart was enticed.

Now I know that more than anything., the heart deceives.

By giving permission to lust I gave it the liberty to use my mind as it's playground, my soul as it's puppet.

I would venture through the day unable to focus on what I was being taught and why.
I forgot what my goal in life was, why I was there, in that school, in that body, with that name. With my name.

I believed my purpose was stripped away from me, I did not understand that my purpose in that season was to sit experience, absorb and learn.

Venturing through the new life in love lead me to a mistaken identity in lust, because whenever you give permission to your flesh out of His Spirit you are bound to fall into mishaps, In my case to consider the other man as mere objects of ****** desires and not the man that God has created for His Glory and their honour.

Conceiving a child out of lust and bearing it on my own birthed bitterness in me.
Which when fully grown turned into sin and unless I submit this child to God it will turn into death.

I refuse to leave a cavity in the womb of my heart because of lust.
I refuse to be tainted by the lies of the one with no identity, therefore tries to steal mine, because of lust.

So through the mesh of other man and unfamiliar men, I must walk up to the other man and begin to consider him as the man of God and not just the other man.

Because just as the woman was taken out of man, the man was taken out of God.

There is a burden in my heart, there is a wallowing in my spirit, there is a heaviness in my heart.

I want to do more in you lord, I need to do more in you Lord, I find it hard to let go of my desires and walk to you.

But with the little strength I have, I'll call upon your name and I shall be saved, I'll lean into you for help and you'll be my guide .

I come to you lord.
My heart needs you.
My strength grows weak without you.
I know your strength is made great in my weakness, so I come to you father. Please help me.

It has honestly gotten to the point where you are no longer my one desire.

God is.

It has honestly gotten to the point where I just want to be friends with you.
Just to know you as you and not the man in my mind, I am breaking  you down you know, you know that fiction I made of you in my mind, the fantasy I would call on to rock me to sleep or to comfort me when I would refused to go to my heavenly Father.

Lie by lie, fiction by fiction, lust by lust, I am breaking the false imitation I made of you.
Demolishing it till the foundation is clear.

But now I want to know you, talk to you, make you laugh knowing
I honestly do not have feelings for you but only Philia love towards you.
I honestly want to understand your actions and why you are who you are.

I don't like you I just want to know you.
I no longer lust after you, but I now see you as the human God made you to be.

I'm renouncing the pain I spoke over myself.
I'm renouncing the hatred I spoke into this family.
the hatred spoke into those of my past,
the Boy who made me realise I was filled with lust,
I am renouncing the words that I spoke and listened to that reduced and reduce my self esteem.
I am renewing my mind with The word.
I am renewing my mind with His love.
I am allowing Him to work through me.
I am forgetting the past, refusing to ponder on old history.
Please carry me through Lord, increase this capacity.
I am so used to ignoring my feelings that accepting them make me feel like I am  wrong.
So peace to my heart.
Joy to my mind.
Salvation to my soul.
The lord  in my spirit, He alone makes me whole.
Please teach me how to navigate and accept these feelings Lord, you gave them to me for a reason.

Because it's that easy, it's that easy to let go of the reality you have conformed to.

Let go and let God.
What does that even mean?

So I drop the label.
I drop the band.

*

They call us idols.
Do you know how hard it is to forget what you have worshipped?
Why do you think it was hard for me to not worship Him in those few times I could?
Because he is embedded in me.

Those sounds that we have sung, dances we have preformed, I have become alert of those people who worshipped us because in doing that they worshipped him.
The one we sung to, the one we served.
The lullabies he loved, the sensuality they adored.

We became figments of their imaginations, roleplays that they could call on to make them sleep, we have become a game that they mentally switched on and off when they wanted to.
Their desire is to switch me on when they want to zone out and switch me off when they need to come back to reality.

For my body to be abused in their minds.

But I am worth more than that.

I too am a man.
I too am a son.
A brother.... A friend.

I am not a prized trophy.
A statue of sensuality for all to see.

...

I too am a child of God.

Stray kids, baby sheep who have gone astray.
Jesus is The shepherd and we his people are The sheep.
Bangchan, Felix, Hyunjin, Han, IN, Seungmin, Leeknow, Changbin.
All sheep who have gone astray from the shepherd ; stray sheep that lead more sheep away form The shepherd.

Baby sheep that is what a kid is.
The equivalent of a child in terms of sheep.

Stray kids are children who have gone astray from their father- his love and his care for them.

It's crazy that this is what these children of God are being called.

Before, Bangchan who God calls by name Christopher (bearer of Christ)
worshiped God in his monthly music listening...
This was unheard of in the Korean entertainment industry, I had never seen nor heard of anything like that before.

It wasn't a regular thing but it was something that happened enough for me to recognise.
The one who has been called to bear Christ still wants Christ.

He has never forgotten about the shepherd.

Alas.

There must come a time where the kid thinks of the days he was not lost... in the care of the shepherd where he could constantly see the shepherd, he doesn't realise that the shepherd is still looking out for him.


The shepherd watches over him daily but he respects The kids decision to go astray and so patiently waits for him to return.
And so patiently waits for them to return.

Christopher has been called to bear Christ in all things, in all that he does.

And even in the short moments that he did bear Christ, those were  moments of awe, moments of clarity and peace.

This is a call to the Bearers of Christ.
Please come back and bear Christ.

The beauty of life is found in the small things we observe.
The smaller details we decide to pay attention to, fragments of life we decide to pick up to create our own images and perspectives of.

The beauty of life is found within, that is a decision to not trust ones own self but rather Abba in all of his wisdom and understanding.


The beauty of life is found inside out, accepting that what you see on your body is beautiful and does not deserve to be  demeaned by your own lips.

The beauty of life is found outwardly, in the way we choose to speak to others, whether those we dislike or those to whom we forget we love so much.

God: You call that Love? I call that
         infatuation.

Man: You call that love?

God: I call that raising a nation.

I keep refining each word and sentence because the thought comes to my mind that what I write is not a reflection of the one I serve, I want to express more of my feelings but that knowing would speak to me telling me to hold back.

Hiding each poem that I write, allowing my thoughts and emotions to rot in the dark at the back of a shelf.
I forget that the readers behind my poems will never see my face.
And even if they did, they would never know it was me.

All I can say is that my God does not want me to deny my feelings, pretending that they were never there. He wants me to accept these feelings and work on finding their root.
He does not want me to wallow in my emotions, recalling and replaying every hurt and wronging others have done against me.
Sometimes replaying the wrongs I have done against others hurts even more.

It is the understanding that I out of the two of us knew the right thing to do, but yet I still decided to hurt you.
I forget that the words I wrote in my youth will be the words that embrace me in my future.

My attraction to problems is what I believe fuels my writing, whether  it be pain or lust or sadness.
I feel like my poems are all fuelled by negative emotions.

I read what I write and I enjoy it.
I seem to enjoy the pain laced in my words.
The intense truth that I dare not speak to the faces of others.

Then I think to myself, are these people the ones I really love if I can't be confident enough to bring them my thoughts and emotions?

Nevertheless, I write.
You will see my work plastered over your screens.

When I am older you will see my face on your billboards plastered high.
You will not know it is me, but it will be me.

Behind the scenes in prayer, on the stages in prayer.
Behind the scenes writing my poetry, talking to someone about these poems.

You'll never meet me face to face and know who I am, but still.
God bless you.
May the Lord bless you and keep you, may he shine his face upon you and give you peace.

My tongue has not always been merciful towards you.
My eyes have not always displayed my affection for you.
My ears have not always listened to you.
My hands have not always helped you.
My feet have not always walked towards you.
My heart has not always loved you.
My mind has not always thought justly of you.


I now see that this too is your first go at life.
So I'll not take that right away from you.


I will make sure my eyes always display my affection for you.
That my ears always listen to you.
My hands always help you.
My feet always walk towards you.
My heart to always love you.
And my mind always thinks justly of you.

It is He who makes me whole.
Not man.
It is He who restores my soul.
Not man.
It is He who has dominion over me.
Not man.
It is He who will truly fill me.
Not man.
It is He who will truly love me,
Not only man.
So when I forget, and begin to return to my *****, Lord please remind me,
"I know the plans I have for you, plans of I good and not evil, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Good things sometimes take some time.
The eternity that you have placed in my heart, I cannot see from the beginning to the end, but you can.,
So I wait on you.
So I look to you.
Remind me o Lord that you are the only one who makes me whole.