Isn't it peculiar
how the moon and the stars
all seem so close?
So in-reach?

My four year old self
once believed I could
simply reach up and touch them
if I tried hard enough.
But isn't that what we're all told?
If we try hard enough
we can do anything?
If we try hard enough.

My eighteen year old self
now feels deceived.
I cannot grasp the moon
and the stars are out of reach.
*Or perhaps I'm not trying hard enough.

It's funny to think
That in some future time
I'll go about my day
And you won't cross my mind

we may be loyal to one
but we fall in love with many
*every single day

i guess this is it
you've said your last goodbye
i guess this is it
time for you to fly

i want to beg you to stay
ask you to jump off the plane and run
straight into my arms
where it all begun

instead i put on a brave face
and kiss you goodbye
promise you it'll be well & good
hoping my words aren't a lie

once you're gone, i can't help but break
inside i can't feel my heart beat
i miss your smile so bright
i miss your touch so sweet

but distance is just a number
and miles do not define us
alive will remain the burning flame
of love & lust

i can't say it'll be easy
or that I'll make it out alive
but i do swear to you one thing
*I'll try my best to make "us" survive

ten** was the number of minutes you were on stage the day i first saw you & realized I'd be missing out on life if i never got a chance to know the mind behind the words you spoke

nine was the number of times i lied to my friends telling them i wasn't falling for you when every inch of me craved you in a way i never had craved anyone or anything before

eight was the number of times i almost told you i loved you that night when we spoke about life & how easy it was to lose your way while growing up, but i held my tongue thinking you would never feel the same way

seven was the number of times i saw you at school & so badly wanted to reach out and hold your hand, when i knew i couldn't

six was the class we hid in the first time you kissed me & it was as if my whole world had changed in the blink of an eye. the rebirth of love, hope & purpose in my life.

five was the time early morning when i finally collapsed after talking to you on the phone since the night before despite having school the next day

four was the date when you came so close to getting suspended from school because you just had to come see me for a couple of minutes. willing to risk anything for that time together.

three was the number of times you stayed up all night while i cried, reassuring me until I was all out of tears & fears.

two is the number of people who understand how difficult it is for us not to see each other every single day. me & you. no one else will ever be able to comprehend what it is like to live without you.

one is the number of people who my heart belongs to. just one. you. eternally.

zero is the number of times I've regretted falling hard & fast for you.

I.
if you'd never told me you loved me
i wouldn't be lying awake at 3:03am wishing you were besides me
i wouldn't see lovers together & burn flames of envy
the pangs of missing you wouldn't cause me to skip meals
i wouldn't spend all my time wanting to hurry back home & so that i could talk to you
i wouldn't worry all the time about how you were doing without me
my body would not crave your touch
my heart would not slowly fade away
my mind would not constantly be haunted by the memories of us
if you'd never told me you loved me


II.
if you'd never told me you loved me
i would be lying awake at 3:03am wondering how i could get you to love me despite all my numerous flaws
i would see lovers together & my frail heart would crash & burn knowing we'd never be together
i would skip meals over meals, filling my stomach with the "what ifs"
i would spend all my time wanting to talk to you, even though you weren't mine
i would worry all the time about how you were doing without me when i was fading away without you
my body would crave your touch
my heart would slowly fade away
my mind would constantly be haunted by the the thought of me & you never becoming an "us"
if you'd never told me you loved me


III.
if you'd never told me you loved me
i wouldn't have been able to stay up till 3:03am and later giggling on the phone with you hoping my laughter wouldn't wake the whole house
i wouldn't see lovers together & know that i had my very own back at home
i wouldn't be skipping meals just because of the butterlies in my stomach everytime i'd think of you
i wouldn't be able to spend all my time talking to you, being with you, making memories with you
i wouldn't be able to pick up the phone & call you whenever i worried about you
my body wouldn't have been able to feel your touch
my heart would never have felt so much pure love
my mind would never be able to keep itself occupied in the wondrous memories of us
if you'd never told me you loved me


-
*if you'd never told me you loved me,
i would still die loving you.
there is good & bad in everything,
but to die not knowing you felt the same way
well, that would be death of the worst kind

i guess what i'm trying to say is,
thank you for telling me you love me