It doesn't burn my throat fast enough. It doesn't rebel against the other acids in the pit of my stomach. It doesn't make me want to clench my jaw and inhale profoundly. It leaves me alleviated. Leaves me in a trance. It's quite strange. Your absence affects me more than your presence. I'm always looking for answers that don't require to be answered. Yet here I am. With a triple distilled bottle of Tequila in one hand, and a flimsy phone in the other. I know you're not the type to ask who made me like this, but rather ridicule me for my abusive behavior. For the tactics and niche I picked up making me yet, so defensive . I'm unlearning it due to inheritance. I know you're not the type to care what traumas you tend to trigger, but I am the type to figure out what wounds are still fresh and what scars still remains. But who's to say I can differentiate, using it tactically or using it sadistically. I'm so attracted to what's so broken, and it hurts to look in the mirror because I reflect such brokenness. I leave my hand and foot prints on your sand and run away like I never moaned or whispered the sweetest lies.
Wrote to myself awhile ago: They're going to ridicule you, for how you love. I like that about me, I no longer hide anything.

I'm so tired of nothing but confusion,
And I'm so tired of all the using.
You just told me how you love me,
Yet then two days later you act like you want me to let you be.
So maybe you love me not,
Bc you made me feel like I'm not even a thought....
In your mind anymore,
You ignored me and made me feel everything less than adored.
So why tell me one thing but show me another?
Bc I'm not gonna sit here and smother...
You with all my affection towards you,
When I'm wasting my time and our time is pasted due.
If it's true and you're afraid to love me that's fine,
I'm not ever going to cross any lines.
To where I'd hurt you,
I'm just hoping you won't too.
Last night you made me feel something I didn't want you to make me feel,
I know that feeling too well...
It takes me back to hurtful places,
To where all my love went wasted.
I just don't want that to happen again,
But I want to be more than just your friend.
So don't think I'm not afraid to love again too,
I might not know everything but I know I'd like to be with you.

Looking out my window
There's two birds watching me
A black one and a red one
Both are sitting in my tree

One as red as fire
The other dark as night
A squirrel runs between them
Neither one takes flight

Red bird, oh red bird
Watching over me
Red bird, oh red bird
Just what is it you see?

The black bird is the devil
With eyes as black as coal
He'll be watching from a distance
When they put me in my hole

The red bird he is special
Always watching over me
And when I go to heaven
Beside me he will be

Red bird oh red bird
watching over me
red bird oh red bird
just what is it you see?

The blackbird switches branches
Planning how he'll get my soul
But, he'll be watching from a distance
When they put me in my hole

Silent, never moving
Both are sentinels, like stone
But, I know it is the red bird
Who'll be there when I go home

red bird oh red bird
what is it you see?
red bird oh red bird
watching over me
red bird oh red bird
watching over me

roses are red
night is dark
writing this poem
hurts my heart

shaky sobs
like violets, i'm blue
i'm wondering
why i ever loved you