I played and was betrayed for a pittance
Stayed in the parade out of persistence
Gave up all charades of any resistance
This is how I earned my own existence

By selling myself by shelling my soul
One inch of survival a day for no self determination
One loaf of bread to let them make me hollow
One stream of **** to shovel from this hovel

I prayed for redemption stayed in this place
Strayed from my potential to maintain my space
Let them flay me alive till my empathy was displaced
And I became a clone of their perfect human race

Just a shadow self of everyone else with no voice
And no real face

I'll keep on writing until my hands will bleed
I'll write myself out; my sorrows and my greed
I have replaced some other face with yours
I have denied that you're made of closed doors
And even though at start you were a game
A trifle that will pull me out of shame
A fake reflection of my own revolution
Of the one who seemed to be solution
No matter how long will I grow your seed
My garden craves for it, it is in need
No matter how hard I try to close my eyes
And then wake up next morning, without belief in lies
You are not just reflection anymore
You're part of me now, you're the closed door.

I bleed
through the ink
on my paper
I scream
through the words
on my paper
I laugh
through the memories
on my paper
I cry
through the pain
on my paper
I speak
through the stains
on my paper

Tonight
there is nothing
on my paper

i cried yesterday,
though not because i miss you.

i cried for the person you used to be.
i cried over the boy who couldn't sing
(but i loved when you did)
i cried over the boy whose laugh lit up the room
(and i selfishly loved being the cause of it)
i cried over the boy who would do anything for anyone
(even someone as unworthy as myself)
i cried over the boy who
taught me the video games he played on sad days
(and was patient even when i smashed buttons)
i cried over the boy who cried during my favorite movies
(even though some parts were drowned out by electric touch on my skin)
i cried over the boy who believed he would spend forever with me
(but forever is relative, isn't it?)

i cried yesterday,
though not because i miss you
(even though i’m sure you’d like to think so).

i cried for the person you used to be.

I wish I could hold your hand without my palms sweating or my fingers shaking
I wish I could look you in the eye without having my insides ache with the feeling of man eating butterflies
I wish I could think about you without my head spinning
I wish I could read your sweet messages without crying because my anxiety does not deserve love, and sometimes anxiety is all I am.

"I am sorry for everything.
I am sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you.
I am sorry I can't be with you like I wish I could.
I am sorry for everything.
I wish I could always make you happy and feel loved.
I hope you do when I am around,
but I wish I could make you feel it when I am not.
I just only wish I could be with you all the time.
The saying, "If she's happy, I'm happy," is true.
Not like "they" even mean it though.
It's true for me because when you're happy,
it spreads through me like fire,
making me happy no matter what,
it's like a crazy connection we have.
But saying that, When you're sad, I'm sad.
I can see the pain in your eyes even when I'm not with you,
and it makes me want to cry.
I hate looking into eyes that can be filled with such beauty
and seeing only pain and suffering.
You shouldn't have to go through any of that.
You deserve much better that what you have.
I want to give you what you deserve and make you feel
happy and loved and cared about, all the time.
But if I cannot, I'm sorry.
You deserve the world, and you mean the world to me,
and there is nothing I wouldn't give for you to simply be
happy.
Even if that ever meant I can't be with you,
I would love to just see you happy, and loved.
I am so thankful for what we have now and
I hope we always have it.
I would truly be lost without you,
I love you so much.
Goodnight and sweetdreams, baby"