They finally told me you know.
About what you became.
It took them awhile.
Every time I asked about you they said you were well.
fine.
moved on.
hid it from me.
I wouldn't have the right reaction.

They said you drove to their house drunk.
Brought our daughter with you.
They watched her play
while you ****** some stranger.

Well.
She isn't mine anymore.
I was a stand in stepdad at best.
She isn't yours anymore either.
you Told me,
her, your mother
you wished she was gone.
That she was such a burden.
You wanted to be free.

Your mother was
nice enough to take her off your hands.
the whole time we were together you convinced me your mother was devil.
stealing your baby.
Convincing all you weren't enough to raise a child.
You never told me that when I left,
she'd be right.
That without me, you'd give up.
go back to the trailer life.
The drugs. alcohaul.
Empty whirlwind to try and feel something.
anything.

I wasn't happy when I found out.
You'd think that when you hear
your ex lovers life going down in smoke
you'd be exhilerated.
I'm not... I feel guilty.
For leaving you that way.
you weren't fit to love anyone alone
Not me, your daughter, yourself.
I don't want to see you blackout on pavement
cold, too drunk to drive home.
Throwing up for whole days after ******* strangers for drugs.

When I left you, you refused to drink.
Said, you had an addictive personailty
were avoiding it.

I want to imagine you getting better.
finding the right help...
learning how to raise a child the way that is your own,
but is also healthy, happy.
I gave you both so much time, love, care.
Driving you to the doctors,
her to the playground,
the whole family down to boston for vacation.

you chose this.
Drunk driving from Trip to allyway
Killing yourself on the same street you grew up on.

I wish I had adopted her when you begged me to.
Back when our puppy love blinded us so loudly all we saw was the sun.

You had me convinced I was controlling, jealous.

So I showed you exactlly what happens when I stopped trying to help.
Stopped caring that you were lying.
Gave you all the space you needed to
be free.

I was hoping on some level that I was wrong.
That I was controlling. jealous.
just a confused terrible person.
wishing that I was this monster blind guarded by distrust.
But here you are....
Gave up custody.
Picked up a million vices
working at mcdonalds.
I'm happy you feel free.

I'm happy I gave up trying to change you,
it was the healtiest thing i've ever done.

I've never had a regret before.
always owned my descisions.
Preached each and every terrible experence helped shape my charecter.

Until today.
I regret leaving you that little girl.

All the audio recordings of you hitting her, calling her a ****,
telling her she couldn't eat until she stopped crying
All the times I didn't step up and say you were wrong
because I “wasn't her real father”
it “wasn't my place to tell you how to parent”
You "didn't hit her that hard"
all I ever wanted was to raise her right.
To love her.
Give her something constant in her life.

I painted you on such a pedestal just because you gave life.
trapped myself in this hole I labeled love.

I wasn't happy when they told me you lost her.
That you were an alcohaulic.
had given up.

I just regreted ever telling you no.
no I can't adopt Soleil.
I can love her without paper.
No I would never take her away.
I have faith in you.
You'll be an amazing mother.
Just believe in yourself.

Maybe if you listened to me.
you'd still have her.
be alive.
Free.

The jasmine died when
it tried to walk
past the window.
"Don't let it flow!"

You heard
what the ebony said? Don't.
Just don't. They thought
deeply that a flower
never could be a river.
They regreted it.

Not anymore. Then later
they found Snow White
stabbing The Evil Queen. To death.
Blackened blood. Ach, du.
The apple is just
a metaphor.

The jasmine was a rabbit from the moon.
She used to
make mochi and babysit
the princess, Kaguya.
Now Kaguya is all grown up. All grown up,
just like your country's spacecraft.
(I am not
that honest, but honestly
I am jealous.)

Ich, ich, ich, ich.
I never would understand
the world of
literary.

(Oh, God.)

Do me a favor
and hate me.

I rather live this way
or i go my way
for everything i couldn't do
for every path i couldn't go
for all of my actions
and all of my inactions

i'm but my own foe
for to all i have regreted of,
my hands had deviced
i'll go my way,embrace my fate

for all i've met i'm but part of
i'm the little boy of yesterday
that has turned to the young man of today
awaiting the matured man
of tomorrow

i've loved without returning
i've been broken countless times
but healed with time and tears
i've cried a river
i've known life just like the blood in my veins

i've learned to take things as they come
Until i can change them
to close my eyes from my desires
until i can command my wish
in living i've learned to live
live without hurt
live without broken heart
live without crush
But that's not living,it's dying

No mortal can live beyond broken heart
none can tell his heart what to feel
as blood in the veins so we're bound to love

There be nothing more like
to love and be loved in return.

the stone that I grabbed had broken,
and I had lost something which was priceless.
words that left in my mind unspoken,
and they said that I was heartless.

the stone couldn't be fixed again,
and I had lost my magical light.
everything was over as nothing could regain,
I regreted that I didn't hold it tight.

finding my hopes in the dark,
but no light to show me the way.
I wanted something which could spark,
but all the stones were far away.

the stone once was my star,
but now it becomes my scar.

I let it take control,
the thoughts of him,
it was painful,
once the pain was gone,
I still didn't want to let go,
no,
not of my best memory.
Now someone new has interrupted my thoughts.
"Someone,"
I cry to the sky with tears filling my eyes.
"Someone,
please tell me what to do."
No one told me.
So I rejected everything.
Love?
Pity?
I'd out-grown those thoughts.
But....
What about memories?
I haden't
I couldn't out-grow the pain.
The first was the worst,
that's why I regreted the second the most.
First I thought nothing of it.
I told him sorry,
I  said goodbye.
Soon after the deed was done....
I cried.
It was hard to believe it.
I was really regeting it.
I really loved him.
In the end my memories came back.
My memories of my first love.
I hate you.
You ruined my life.
My
worst mistake....
was my best memory.

Laugh because you smile
Smile because you laugh
Laugh like no one is listening
Smile like no one is watching
Love like you will recieve a gift
Give everyday like Christmas
Forgive like you were never hurt
Sing like the angels
Be an angel to someone
Be a geany and grant wishes
More than three, a life supply
Fall love like you've never fallen
And when you fall
Get back uplike you;ve never fallen
Smile like you'be never grined
Laugh like its you first time
Wake up with the birds
You have no time to waste
Only waste time when time wants it
And that is never
Pet a lion ad see if it he bites
Eat an apple to see if it is spoiled
Do extra and the extreme
Be you and not me
Fly with the angels and birds
Swera never
Promise nothing
Speak out, say something
Move around, don't be still
Listen to music, then make your own
Sit quite and grow strong
Live life, don't moan
Pain stays and pain goes
Pictures last long
Letters even longer
Add dates to keep count
This world is tricky on days
Mondays feel like Tuesdays
And Tuesdays feel like Thursdays
You don't have to have a reason
Not for every thing
Sometimes its better to do what you feel
And not what you mean
And don't be mean
There isno reason to
For God loves you
And so not stare
Or give that glare
Someone could get hurt
Or already is
For you know nothing of that person
Compared to what God knows
That person could have it all
Awrds lined up on the walls
With no family or friends
Or even worse
No religion
So laugh alot
It helps, alot
Smile because it means your alive
Frown to much and you could die
Count you blessings
If you can count that high
And pray up toward the sky
Were the moon and staes look down
Remember
They se everything
Things you can and can not see
Some things that neither please them
Nor me
Be happy you're not dead
Not yet
Smile often so God feels appreciated
"Love all" the Bible states it
Live wiht o regrets, but one
The one where you  regreted something that made you have fun
Fun
Thats right, that is in life
you have fun when you laugh
When you smile
Take a picture, worth while
Keep going every mile
Take a shot here and there
Yea, they hurt, but its a great worth
You think about what you could lose
Or, what you lost, if to late
So if everything is at stake
Be happy
Smile
Be clam
Sit down
Stay quite
Make sound
And love all around

Eight months ago
It came tumbling out
"Do you want to by my girl?"
The sweat of fear rolled down my back
It was silent for a moment,
But then you whispered, "yeah"
My heart jumped
It jumped as if its life depended on it
I had no idea what to say
I seem to not when I'm around you.

I remember when
I like you
Turned to
I love you
I remember thinking to myself
"Is it too early?
Will she think I'm too attached?"
I remember when I gave you that envelope, filled with the love that I had poetically composed for you.
And all you said was
"you're sweet"
I was discouraged.
I didn't say it again.

I remember the night you called me;
I had just left you so it was a surprise
You said you forgot to tell me something, that you were avoiding it
"I love you"
All I could do was reply mutually.

I remember when you told me of your depression
I truly knew not what to say
What was there to say?
I quickly learned that sometimes silence
Is better than
ignorant speech
And that holding you was the best form of therapy, because to know that you're special is all that you needed.

I remember much of these past months
You are always in my mind
You are never too much
And I have not regreted it once
I love you
And I don't plan on that changing.

Saw you drop your car keys in the gutter
And I smiled
The letter fell to the ground in the pouring rain
Serves you right
Then the wind turned your umbrella inside out
And I chuckled at your folly
Soaking wet in your car and it wouldn't start
Then I saw you bent over the steering wheel sobbing
Then I didn't feel so smug
Then I regreted how mean I could be
I walked out into the rain and tapped on the window
"Can I help ?"

Love was created to share.
The nore you love.
The more you care.
Now consider this as truth.
When you're given a love to love.
Respect and cherish that selected one.
Don't like others treat this wrong.

Now consider this.
The biggest fools are those that realize to late.
That their truest love stood beside them.
Ready at an instant to defend them.
Least, until they hurted them.

Who hadn't regreted losing someone great?
Which came about cause of a foolish mistake.

I messed up
Bad
I'm sorry
I keep apologizing even though I shouldn't
I feel bad for hurting you
Even though you hurt me more
And never said sorry
I still apologize
Hoping you will take me back
Because I left you
The way you looked at me as I stared into the distance at what I thought was love
Was like the way the dreamers look at the stars full of hope and happiness
That doesn't cover up how much you put me down
How much you made me feel bad about myself
How much you made me feel I wasn't good enough
The things you called me
The way you treated me in front of our friends
They told me how I should leave you and how dumb I was for staying
And when I did I regreted it
And here I am again apologizing
I'm sorry

When we first met I never have I thought of you throwing you life out of the line
Until we became friends, never in my thoughts have I thought you'd do such thing to yourself

Those time spend together full of smiles and laughs
I realized that, it was all nothing but a mask for you to hid

How did you do that, pretending to be fine when you knew everything was nothing but sadness
Why didn't you tell me when you were drowning on your own thoughts everyday
Why didn't I noticed everything happening to you when you were alive

I ask myself the same question everyday
When I walk, before I sleep, most especially when I looked in the mirror
As I ask myself, blaming myself for not being there when you were hurting

I am your friend- I was your friend

Oh how I wish for you to see the sun rise once again
But there's nothing I can do, I am no god, I can never bring you back to life
I'm just a friend who never saw the scars on your soul

I regreted believing you when you said "Some dust got my eyes" one Tuesday night when you cried on the corner

I was a fool believing you when you said " I'm just feeling cold" wearing a thick sweater one summer morning

I was blind believing you were truly happy when your smile never reached your eyes when we laughed our jokes out

I thought I knew "too much" of you, but in reality I was oblivious of the "true" you, of the "whole" you. How stupid of me, right?

You're like a universe: so silent, so beautiful, yet still unknown to most, until your last breath.

Deep in my heart, i knew i felt something. I didnt know how to describe it, i didnt know whether to explore it, i was a wimp, i couldnt even if i tried. Years passed and the feeling never faded away. Reached a point i couldnt hold back anymore and decided to explore this-what i felt. I knew it was gonna be full of challenges, i knew it wasn't right, i knew it would be a dead end but i just had to give it a try. Something kept pushing me so hard, i couldnt resist. With all the ups and downs we have gone through together, even the worst of the worst, never a single day or moment have i ever regreted giving this-us-a try. Being with you, knowing you love me as much as i do, having this mutual strong feeling of love means so much to me. I am not ready to let you go, i dont think i ever will in my heart. Your birthday passed, actually your birthdays have passed and never once have i ever wished or given you a b. Day gift, today i get to give you all the kisses for all the birthdays i missed. You mean so much to me, you really do mean the world to me. I love you,so much! I love you.

I imagined your cheeks a red rose
And poured my kisses so close
Poor rose it seemed to hear
My cravings to have you near
So i picked it up quickly to see
To feed the missing of you in me
And when the winds of love howled
And each lover his lover called
I regreted i picked the rose so
Perhaps it had a lover i don't know

∴ Lyna Salman