"okayness" poems
Dear Little Lyle,
Please forgive me for the things I have done to you. For too long I have been kept you hidden and protected and numb from the world.
I know I hurt you by keeping you away from all the beautiful things life has to offer. I know you're afraid, scared, hurt, and injured by what I have done.
I kept you in darkness where nobody can see you, I kept you quiet so no one can hear you, I kept you bounded so you don't hurt yourself or others, I kept you alone so others don't have to bother you, hurt your, or make fun of you.
I spoke to you before that it be okay but I was wrong I kept on hurting you, I lied to you, forced you to do things to you that injured you and hurt you.
I made you cry, I made you hurt, I made it so that i wanted to **** you, so you don't have to hurt anymore.
I am so sorry for almost taking your life, over and over and over again. I know you were laying there whimpering, alone, and terrified.
I know you just wanted a hug and kind attention.
I am sorry for not giving that to you.
You just wanted a hug, a simple , "I Love you!", just a feeling of a little bit of okayness.
I know you're screaming, yelling, crying, hurting, all alone.
You just wanted someone to talk to, to play with, and run around the playground playing.
I am sorry I keep ****** you and hating you everyday.
I am so so so sorry. I am so sorry I keep lying to you and denying you any kind of kindness, love, and comfort.
Those people that hurt you, yelled at your, touched you, hit you, and made of your are now gone.
I am so sorry for trying to **** you everyday of every second, I am so sorry. I know you want you just want a hug and someone to tell you the monsters and clowns are gone, they are, I know made it impossible to love me again, but please find it in your little heart, little hands, and little self to please forgive me and to love me again.
I didn't know what else to do but to hide you from all the monsters, pain, tears, and blood.
In the dark nobody could see you but me, I am sorry for keeping you there for so long.
It will be okay, you will be okay, all the monsters are gone. You don't have to be afraid of me. I am kind, gentle, fun, energetic, and helpful.
I am so sorry for hurting you, and for allowing others to hurt you so. Please believe me when i say it will be okay, the monsters are gone, you don't have to hide anymore, you don't have to run away anymore. Remember when we were little we'd always asked god for special powers, he gave them to me to protect you and keep you safe, but it was my fault for failing to do those things, but the monsters are gone.
The monsters are gone, the screaming, and hurting is gone.
We don't have to fight anymore.
You don't have to hide anymore.
You can come and play in the light and in the dark, nobody will hurt you.
Nobody will hurt you!
I will care for you, love you, and teach you.
I will still protect you and make it safe and comfortable as much as possible. It's okay, It's okay, the monsters are gone.
with love,
Lyle K. Barber
Apr 9, 2016
Apr 9, 2016 at 9:54 PM UTC
I feel as though I would follow you,
At least until you were better
Just until the okayness and normality began to swallow up your pain
Until the morning sun didn’t cue your tears and whisky didn’t taste just like survival
Until you could look at your reflection and smile, or at least not frown
I believe I would walk behind you
Until my quiet overtook your noise
Until your hands would just stop shaking and your lips could quit their quiver
Until your time stopped slowing and you could walk with others once again
Until you ceased to beg the earth for its consuming and heavens comfort seemed a bit less inviting
I understand that I might replace your sinews
Until standing didn’t hurt so much and breathing took far less effort
Until the darkness of your room stopped singing such sweet hymns and the blankets of your bed were not your only lovers
I resolve that I would stay beside you
Until the search for all the pieces lost had halted and the shards were all or mostly accounted for
Until hope was not such a sin and desire didn't taste so bitter
Until every face with maple eyes didn’t beckon your distain
Until greetings and goodbyes were less like journeys deserving rest
Until time passed had set your bones and fading remembrance began to soothe your mortal wounds
I just dont want you be sad anymore
Jan 25, 2017
Jan 25, 2017 at 9:56 PM UTC
“We could never see tomorrow
No one said a word about the sorrow”
The Bee Gees
a simple rhyme, a plaint familiar,
for those who have never stared
down train tracks, which is a lesson
in recognizing
the uncertainties of
living,
even if linearly visualized,
t h e o r e t i c a l l y
can veer to destinations unknown,
worthy of being dreaded, thinking
what are the odds today is the last,
and maybe now and then, not just
dismissing,them so easily
but it always brings on pain old
and familiar, recollecting of the
way life never asks you first, the
swiftness of two life lines colliding
with the
s u d d e n e s s
unfathomable
of 2 locomotives crashing,
head on
and leaving behind
a desolation breathtaking
it is a well lit winter morning,
cold light, but the direct sun
leaves a general okayness,
and you trudge along,
head bent, respecting the chilling,
calculating the distance to
the warmth of a planned
destination,
but here I remind
all of us:
**”No one said a word
about the sorrow**”
Dec 13, 2024
Dec 13, 2024 at 9:20 AM UTC
Today, missiles and bombs fall
before my closed
eyes, exploding into stories of
politics and economics,
corruption and destruction, and
the ringing in my ears
doesn't go away
after I open my eyes
to the morning sun.
I sit on the floor;
my face soaking up the bright
blue light and I think about
beauty because
why not.
Today, as my sweat drips
down my rough, porous nose,
and touching my
chapped lips,
it tastes like surrender; like,
relinquishing myself
to the "okayness" of life,
and remembering
that it is.
Sep 8, 2010
Sep 8, 2010 at 9:14 PM UTC
1.
You sit on your stoop
And you listen.
You sit on your stoop
And you breathe.
You sit on your stoop
And you take in.
You sit on your stoop
You don't leave.
2.
A car comes down the block and you fill it with ambivalence
There are artifacts of previous tenants in your walls.
Whatever you do you can't stop the faint buzz of the sun
Or the rattling of your morning coffee.
One on one.
3.
One on one you lie back to the marble.
You drift off to sleep in the end.
You can't help you don't look you're unable,
You throw the frog away in the end.
The croak drove you crazy and the tongue made you cringe
But there was something of value...
You don't think, I can't think, in the end.
4.
You squeeze and you pry
You don't listen.
You drag and you moan
You don't breathe.
You curl and you sigh
You don't take in.
You plot and you play
You just leave.
5.
You have anxieties like pop rocks
Once they fizzle down you accept another
Handful.
In the end.
The frogs in the bin but it's ribbit breaks through
And the spread of its tongue still reaches me.
Aug 8, 2017
Aug 8, 2017 at 11:31 AM UTC
I was a child
When fantasies of unending sleep enthralled me.
And every waking moment
Was spent pondering pain,
That familiar friend
That settled itself in my head.
A battle so all consuming,
I was certain
Of my dependence on it.
For art, for passion, for sensation,
I needed that ****** fight.
Though as much as I believed
Burning was a worthy sensation,
Nerve damage ravaged my weak body.
My ability to feel,
Even the scorching itself,
Abandoned me.
This vacillating strain
Between agony and paralysis,
Persuaded me, manipulated me,
To believe it was eternal,
To accept I would never know peace
Or effortless breath.
But I make myself dinner
And open the floral curtains
To let the golden, rural sun soak my kitchen.
This place is mine
And as improbable as it sounds,
I am alive.
And not only can I breathe
Without hearing violent screams
Echo throughout my body,
I sit on my grass green couch
And bask in moments of genuine, solitary
Joy.
Look at me,
No less scarred and broken,
No less hysterical yet apathetic.
But these moments of elation
That I never thought possible
Are becoming more and more frequent.
Satisfaction and mourning
For the dark child I was
Are present together in my heart.
Side by side, I feel regret for lost time,
Lost moments of splendor
And delight in my growth,
Amusement in my perfectly okayness.
Jun 30, 2020
Jun 30, 2020 at 12:57 PM UTC
May I be infected
with a sureness
of your love
May it spread within me
like an IV flowing confidence
in my okayness
In the face of fear
and desperation may
I be a cove of calm presence
May you be well
whole and robust
in every cell
In this time of solitude
may I encounter
the awesome power of now
Mar 20, 2020
Mar 20, 2020 at 10:55 AM UTC