this guys venom, that guy is carnage, some other dude is playing the role of oh to hell with these supposed "guardian angels" / demons of want of conscience... if i'm spotted in public talking... can you please see that I'm talking to my ******* shadow?! wer wachen mich?! engel, dämon, that third breed of creatures... genius?! nein nein nein! mein schatten... i talk to my shadow, obviously i try to do so outside the realm of where people congregate... not football stadiums... a forest, a graveyard at night... this here is RIOT... me? i am MAYHEM... i was born in May... when the Chernobyl spectacular happened... ergo? i'm mayhem... oh i've seen this done... 6ft5 guys talking about being all hard... i'm only 6ft2... the girls have this funny argument when dealing with football fans: but you wouldn't talk to your mother, your sister your daughter like that... it's a football match... great line of defence... me... 10 shifts down... i don't think i've had any beef doing this steward business... i just look the part... i don't get any trouble... i do get compliments: oh... looking smart ol' chap... first line of defence? look presentable... look authoritative... to hell with being built like a brick-*******... give them some time... wait a while... chances are i too might... roll my eyes back... hide my irises and my pupils and only peacock the sclera of my eyes... but by then i'll be all berzerker mode... i'm ******* gagging for a physical altercation... like, i was watching this mini-series on the BBC about the 4 killings... 4 lives? yeah, about those killings in Barking circa 2019... 4 killings might qualify you as a serial killer... but what a ******* ******... he collected toys... he killed by injecting the poor sods with a drug that alleviated their homosexual inhibitions, perhaps gave them a hard-on... whatever... people killed by pseudo-autistic... o.k. they were killed by a ****** and not some Ted Bundy... not some Jack the Ripper: the mythological son of Cain... who... will never get caught... police at work... great Scotland Yard... a ****** just killed four gay boys and you're bound to ******* paperwork as the "real" police work... no wonder, eh? the killer was a ******* ******! then again, i also blame the victims... some people are just outright painfully - obviously... dodgy... why associate yourself, or even live... with people with absolutely no charisma?! no bravado? if you're going to get killed... at least make sure they kiss you before they stab you... what?! if i were to **** someone i'd shave my beard, shave my hair... i'd make sure it happened in a forest, at night, with a full-moon... and i'd kiss them while stabbing them at a crux point; i am "Judas": i am "Cain"... if someone is going to **** you... you want some ******* dimensions, at least 3: 3 will do nicely... but this killer... run-of-the-mill average Joe... great policing: clap clap... where's the nearest party? no. 10, Downing St.? on it! no one wants to be killed by a ******* socially awkward ******... a tornado, a tsunami... anything but this sort of *******! i grind my teeth... i have to grind my teeth... i feel like resurrecting Robespierre!

giddy like a ******* school girl, i seriously thought that
this part of me was dead, long gone, bye-bye...

i could have admired Bukowski in my 20s... and 20 year old
might... but i had a little think about it:
sure, i'm not surprised he could brag
about all the women he slept with,
why the FBI might have been interested in him...
but, then again, he was writing at a time
when... what?
                          erm... world war II happened...

most of the men who went off to war didn't come
back... plenty of ***-starved: bereaved women...
sounds like paradise...
hell... a postman: that also writes poetry on
the side...
                and i will never forgive the publishers
for this... Kafka explicitly implored for his books
to be printed in large print...
guess what most of Kafka is printed as...
in the small print...
                           almost subscript lettering...
and i'm not exaggerating...

but fire-**** Bukowski even though he wrote
sparingly (considering the oeuvre of other writers):
MASSIVE ******* PRINT...
CAN SEE IT FOR MILES...
COULD BE USED AS STREET SIGNS...
fair?
            
            it always happens... as you get older...
first you admire someone, then you... not exactly despise
them but... admire them less: you have your own
**** to deal with and when it comes to a democracy...
well... we're not going to admire the Quran
by the likes of things, are we? we might be a
bibliophile civilisation but that's hardly going
to make us become chained to just one book...

who wrote? didn't a woman write the Quran...
the older, business minded first wife of Muhammad...
Khadira? Khadija? ****... it's the latter...
write the first and you're going into Godzilla
territory (phonetically)... did she write the first surahs...
or what... magic pen, magic paper,
magic hand of an illiterate person wrote it?
after all... wasn't ol' Mo rejected by the Mecca crowd
and had to ******* to Medina?

then again... how did he come across the teachings
of the Docetics - a Gnostic cult that... is currently sitting
pretty at the zenith of Islamic orthodoxy?
anyway... meditate on this, meditate on that...
i'm currently meditating on Gemma...

oh, but i was fuming throughout the day...
i worked maybe too shifts with this **** of a silly girl
who's studying for a law degree...
wants to become a barrister... talk in court...
but can hardly conjure herself up to steward shifts
at events...
she came up with this crap about how:
there are too many old white men
in the practice of jurisprudence...
she isn't Pakistani... she's Sikh or Hindu or...
never mind: i tell her... as long
as a meritocracy is place...
      what... too many whiteys in India?!
too many whites in Kenya?
so... what's the ******* reasoning?!

i'm too polite... i just wait... i wait until people
buckle under their own argumentation,
mind you: i write, i breathe...
but then i focus on something... something...
much more... precious...
Gemma...
what the **** is wrong with me?
why have i turned into this teenage boy?
am i going back to high-school?
am i going to ask her for a photograph
so i can sketch a picture of her face?

red flags everywhere...
she was impregnated by an abusive alcoholic...
who battered both her and her son...
but if whiskey could be used to mould:
she literally is ms. amber: fräulein bernstein...
i'm getting butterflies in my stomach...
having met her on a shift on Saturday
i stopped jerking off...

    come off it: i ******* like i take a **** or take a ****
or take a shower... it's my:
no. 1, 2, 3 & 4 rule... no... no scented candles...
it's like exercise... i want to keep *** out of my head...
like i want to keep germs out of my head...
Gemma... what the **** is wrong with you
that's right with me...
3 days without jerking off?
wow! that's almost coming to the stamina
i achieve when i used to visit my grandparents
and could go absentee ******* shuffle
for over a month - when my grandfather was still
alive...

prior to: 35... still always want to ****...
if not thinking about *******...
waiting to **** a ******* and jerking off
just after squeezing out a loaf on the throne of thrones...
the ergonomics of manhood...
well... she's not a ******... she's not... "available":
just watch the movie: as good as it gets
to get the picture... single mum...
my prospects? on the pile of recyclables...
if she went for a "***** donor" that later became
an abusive alcoholic...
what is... an artistic alcoholic like myself to do
about her poor decisions?!

the **** am i? Claudius Maximus X...
  that ancient Rome fetish for fostering children...
uncles becoming fathers etc.?!
oh yeah, that's still in me...
but what has Gemma done?
put a having iron maiden ****** on my phallus...
prior to... **** anything that moves...
literally... Thai surprise... a Turkish *******...
ooh... oh oh: **?
now i'm only thinking about her...
Gemma Gemma Gemma...
ginger English rose...
                                   *****!

she fixated herself in my mind...
i think of her my testicles suddenly swarm like...
parasite infested wounds... my ******* are tingling
and i feel like circumcision is on the horizon:
like **** it is... ******* with your Hebrew / Arab
practices...

     Gemma, girl... you know how to drive a man...
crazy... i've been with a few prostitutes...
but this, darling... is something best associate
with the "upper shelf"...
i'm going nuts & bolts &           peanuts?!

it best happen to you:
you meet a girl & you stop thinking about jerking off
or going to a brothel...
sure... she's like a Pablo Picasso 'weeping woman'...
but no... you're looking for
  
   o.k. **** that cubist approach... Pythagoras somehow...
no, he wasn't... the woke brigade broke rank
and motivated me...

it's either Picasso's ******* or it's... i'm not even
going claim the Mona Lisa to be the pinnacle...
PERRONNEAU's
   Madame de Sorquainville...
   meint gott: das lächeln? fast, alles!

ich wollen: chaos!
               unbelebt dinge erscheinen mehr...
   unbelebt, dinge-veranlangt?!

oh Gemma Gemma...
what have you woken?!
        i imagine myself fathering someone else's child...
why? i can keep a distance akin to:
pet a cat, or a dog, recently?
same... father someone else's child = pet a cat...
like i don't come with a ******* exoskeleton...
like i'm... not capable of...
serial ******... i sniff fear...

                              ich abwarten;
ich hegen: die ältere sprache...
                                                    die wurzel!

              obviously if i will not get any *** from Gemma...
enough time passes... what?! cower in some
variations of the middle-class sensbility,
watch the ******* t.v.?
i''ll be scouting for some ***... i'm not even 40 yet...
of course i'll be... i somehow try to forget chewing on
my tongues... feeding into her inhibitions
of chewing on her tongues...
oh Gemma, Gemma... you are such a lovely lass!

i wish... i could have married you...
time, that ******* thief!
oh well... but i could be the supposed father that's your
son's uncle... "uncle"... then again...
so few women allow access to even these...
if fathers are not allowed access...
why should "uncles" be given access?
great! send in the psychiatric nurses!

i would sooner send in... death!
none of this supposed prescription of life...
is worth living... not under the feminine
mantra of the western world;
perhaps in Africa... but no here...
not, *******, now!

Daddy, can you open this jar?
Daddy, don’t forget to make my bed.
Daddy, can you make my dinner now?
Daddy, I’ve hurt my head.

Daddy, I’ve fallen over!
Daddy, I wish I could come too.
Daddy, my tummy hurts today.
Daddy, what would I do without you?

Daddy, I don’t like the doctors!
Daddy, I would like a cup of tea.
Daddy, my clothes need cleaning.
Daddy, thank you for taking care of me.

Gemma, can you open this jar?
Gemma, don’t forget to make my bed.
Gemma, can you make my dinner now?
Gemma, I’ve hurt my head.

Gemma, I’ve fallen over!
Gemma, I wish I could come too.
Gemma, my tummy hurts today.
Gemma, what would I do without you?

Gemma, I don’t like the doctors!
Gemma, I would like a cup of tea.
Gemma, my clothes need cleaning.
Gemma, thank you for taking care of me.

i can't believe this has already happened,
in a work environment you'd expect some sort of professionalism
but it's back to sq. 1 of dealing with people
at work as if it's a school-playground...
the moment Gemma entered the scene it must have
become obvious to the other girls (they're not women,
they lost that status today)
that i took a liking to her... i still don't get it as to why
i have a crush on her... i mean: she's out of reach,
not because she's this stunner: to me she is...
or that she's younger than me and i'm not a supervisor /
manager and therefore i can't impress her with
a higher status...
she's out of reach because i already know her life story...
she expanded upon it today...
mein gott... compared to her life: i merely exist...
she's the one that lived a life: i've merely existed
(as the saying goes) - 7 attempts at a pregnancy...
7 miscarriages... or whatever the problems were...
two attempts at marriage: both times she pulled it off...
raising a boy as a single mum...
an ex: her baby's-father who didn't pay her any alimony
or helped her with rent... a child that hasn't ever
seen his father... then some other ex who trained
as a boxer... 9 years her junior... who was ostracized by
his family for dating a woman much older...
she apparently showed him the sort of life he wanted
to live... ended up with him beating her up
and the child... running her into 9K of debt:
spiralling out of control...
                 how in her 20s she was working in the financial
sector and earning good money,
getting a mortgage... now: look at me, she says,
i'm working security at football stadiums...
she also has an M.O.T. license - she can check whether
cars are eligible to be driven on roads:
whether they're safe, since her dad (now retired)
used to own his own garage...
she also slyly mentioned psychosis...
                        breakdowns, social workers...
oh... look... one madman meets a madwoman...
no wonder there's an immediate attraction...
   i haven't mentioned that to her yet...
i'm throwing caution against the wind...
since? my psychosis aged 21 was slightly different...
walking into a church and hearing a choir of singing
"angels" (well, they weren't the ******* Baptist choir
from a church in Georgia) - i sampled a choir in my head?
what?! and then the great wind that dispersed the choir
as i started panicking and checking my MP3 player
for an alternative music... yeah... i put headphones in...
played some music... the choir was still singing...
i hid under the altar and covered myself
in a white cloth from the altar, shivering with fear...
then running aimlessly around the church
the wind descended...
that was back in 2007... funny things have happened since
2007... it's hardly a coincidence...
no i sometimes hear something akin to:
WIDZISZ    (in my mother tongue) - YOU SEE...
honestly, compared to her life: i merely existed...
she has lived: i had pockets of opportunity to live
(as the saying goes among people who "suffer" from
f.o.m.o. - fear of missing out) - i "missed" out on
the life usually lived by people in their 20s...
i could have started this security job in my 20s...
but it's not like an opportunity arose - well: until now...
i could have been a manager by now...
instead: "god" and ****... and writing these doodles...
any regrets? what, the time i ran with deer that
were obstructing a traffic intersection while holding
a can of beer: playing off the stag of the little harem
with young? inviting a fox to come to my garden
for daily food for about a month?
having a sparrow fly into my hand from a bush (ages ago,
Valentine's park, i must have been 8 or 9) -
no...
when she asked me: who do you live with
and my reply is: well, not my peers, i still live with my parents,
but i do most of the cooking, all of the housework,
the gardening and some DIY...
i feel ashamed saying that... even though i'm not some
loner gamer based in the basement not being helpful
around the house like a custodian ought to be...
then again: i'm not a single father either... so that's that...
but single mothers are never told to feel ashamed:
i'm inherently ashamed for still living with my parents...
i too might be hurting someone:
to put it all into biblical proportions i.e. how
a man is to get away from his mother and father and get
with a woman... these days? i'd replace my own mother
and father with: a father-in-law and a mother-in-law:
because a woman will always drag the man into her
family circle... so it's ****: either way...
- she regretted not going to university,
i told her that i regret having went to university,
if your son thinking about going to university?
yeah, he is... i wish i went into a trade school...
bad idea: sending him to university...
he wants to work in finance... well, that's fine...
as long as he's not studying the humanities:
universities are cess pools of indoctrination these days...
but... last time i heard: law departments at university
are not safe from leftist propaganda... what are the chances
that the sciences and economics will be?
science can be undermined by transgender biological
warfare... economics: well... erm... Marxism?
she also knows that i haven't been in a relationship since
i've been 21... now that i'm 35... what's that, i asked?
14 years... 15 years sooner rather than later...
i didn't tell her about my visits to the brothel
or the random one-night-stand...
          with the current funny geo-political ambiance:
it would have been hard having a Russian wife / girlfriend...
oh yeah, she proposed to me... chose the ring...
then she broke it off... so... technically:
i feel less guilty about how it ended - since i didn't end it...
Gemma... all the girls i ever really fancied had
that name... no... this is not some astrological conspiracy
theory... it just so happens that the two i'm thinking
of had the same sort of hue of ginger hair...
bombshells by my reading... and i thought i had
an archetypical weak-spot for blondes... turns out:
as much as i love Turkic raven haired girls...
a certain type of ginger makes me weak in the knees...
i'm still ******* confused... i get nervous, i get excited...
what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm playing a game of thinking that:
something might be on the cards...
we're already talked about that last time when she came
home to an empty house and ate a Chinese take-away
on her own... although we're working as part
of a team i still don't have her number: even though
i might need it for work reasons...
i'm playing this ****** game of being infatuated like
a teenager... well great, for me, of being only 4 years
her junior... but i'm constantly trying to bang my head
against the wall of impossibility of:
you go down this rabbit hole... things are going
to get ugly... i don't even think about getting hurt:
i'm thinking that i might do her more damage...
that wouldn't be fair...
but it has finally happened...
people are shifting, choosing sides... about 2 months in
and it's happening like it might be a schoolyard...
today i learned that this other... single mum:
5 kids... from 5 different fathers...
she only manages to live in a house for about a month
before she has rent arrears...
big... chunky girl... for the most part i thought she
had a decent personality... she joked that i wanted to hold
her hand... so... i arch my arm and wait for her
to put it into the slot... but she literally wanted
me to hold her hand like a father might hold a daughter's...
not like i'm a man and she's a woman and she puts her
hand into my trouser pocket or rests it on my forearm...
literally holding hands...
but it has happened...
a woman's take on violence... i'd rather slap myself
in the face...
one girl being jealous of another girl...
because a boy is giving the other girl more attention:
is being more tentative to her needs: since...
Gemma is much smaller than the lass i'm referring to who:
has started using... reputational propaganda...
strange... that she goes against the guy (i.e. me) rather than
a fellow female...
so Gemma turns out today and tells me:
oh, you know what she said? that you stank of alcohol
on the job...
i could seriously go through a list of chemistry i use
to pamper my *** up for the job...
sure, i might be drinking into the night,
but it's hardly me merely drinking...
i drink to exfoliate in my scribbles...
avon's soft skin - an air brush spray: which contains
alcohol,
      any and every ****** cream... Garnier...
Nzuri's argan oil on the hair mixed with
style expertise wax diluted with some water...
Ossion beard balsam... 1881 aftershave...
some sprayed on my neck just below my heard line...
some on my beard, some on my **** collar...
obviously some deodorant... best the soft scented
Dove stuff... Colgate toothpaste, bubblegum flavoured
gum chewed for almost 4 hours prior to an event...
some tobacco influence, some coffee...
i even apply some foot deodorant..
one accusation flies against another...
that's why i'm seeing this red flag...
Gemma says that X said Y about me: that i stink of
alcohol... wow... with all that pandering...
i'm surprised she might whiff up a scent of bourbon...
but X already pointed out... she ******* sniffed me
up... she put her nose in almost a touching distance
of my neck: oh, what smells so funny...
no... wait... you're just smelling good...
this is ******* schoolyard politics 2.0...
girls being girls... boys being... boys... boys actually
tending to their physique, their presentation...
an aesthetic...
if i were happily married with 4 kids, like Dan,
my supervisor i'd have a more: **** it attitude...
but now... one girl with aqua-marine girls keeps telling
the joke that: i honestly misheard her say:
hello darling for: hello daddy...
Gemma think she's being rude to her / not being friendly...
while also said X is telling me i smell nice
while Gemma says that X was telling everyone
that i smell of bourbon... what, under those 7 ******* layers
of scents that ends me soaking up a scent of soap...
so... my conclusion is...
Gemma doesn't have the audacity to tell me i smell
good... so she has to make it out that X said i smell of *****...
while X said that i smelt good...
you know... this makes absolutely:
all the necessary sense that it allows itself to allow...
while i'm the one who's somehow endearing
and have an affectionate heart / a rubber ear
to listen to life stories... no one is really going to
listen to mine...
             to reiterate: Gemma says X said that i smelled
of ***** on the job... i tend to sober up, proper,
on a commute... but then i use all these chemicals to
smell good... X managed to bypass her inhibitions
and tell me that i smell good: sniffing my neck...
what, the, ****, is this?
i'm not even as pessimistic as Daniel with regards
to people: sure, some might be *******, outright...
but some people are just like children...
they want to be told: no, you didn't **** up...
you want me to hold your hand in hand?
within my confines: i don't think i could ever arrive
at the unconscious realisation of resurrecting the child:
to feed myself with blamelessness...
that's not how the man-child dynamic works...
such petty lies.... petty politics...

one girl spread rumours about another girl...
come to think of it: it wasn't an attack on me:
since Gemma immediately retracted the accusation
with a way to defend me...
it was false from the get-go...
what Gemma didn't allow herself to follow-up on is
what girl X already arrived at:
a dis-inhibition of telling me that i smell good...
i'm working on her, i need more time...
i'm teasing her, sexually tensing her up...
like today... i bought her coffee... at first she asked for
3 sugars, then she asked for 2 sugars...
so? i bought myself a coffee and a coffee for her...
both were white... i put 3 sugars in one...
i put 2 sugars in the other...
i was gagging for her to suckle at the make-shift ****
of plastic for i could taste her back:
i already asked her to smoke a cigarette
she was already smoking which she willingly gave up...
but no... she took the plastic-****-cap off and drank
from the side: as i explained to her:
sorry, confused the two coffees...
which one is sweeter?

well... that "confusion" being sorted...
second "thinking" comes to mind, spinning an alternative
narrative... oh, sure, at first i did the right thing
of thinking that these two girls were out to destroy my
reputation... but being single mothers...
one has 5 brats from 5 different fathers,
the other has 1 child from 1 father...
some ******, ex... 7 miscarriages...
                  they're going out against each other...
they are... X tells me i smell good while
the other is telling me that X said i was scented with
bourbon...

considering that X has already started bragging that
she can get through a half a bottle of brandy in a single
night...

women! why have the gods "cursed" me with
such attributes that women: still in their 30s are behaving
like careless whisperers of bogus...
and then they turn around and tell you:
how their relatives worked in the security services
and how it was oh so different back then:
what? you mean when men only worked with men?!
and there was none of this pseudo-speed-dating
******* around?
i started to kee stressing:
so... we're here to avoid another Hillsborough Tragedy?
and all the women look at me all funny...
aren't we?!

lying: a byway of compensating for our life's works being
undermined from the get go...
i stopped myself from lying for the simple reason
that lying erodes memory: you always have
to back up one lie with another lie...
but... if you tell but one truth...
you can ******* toward the void of silence...
from what i've seen, from what i heard...
people who tell lies, who allow themselves to
                           be self-aggrandising...
who never channel self-deprecating humour...
well... i sniff it out... i too am recipient of scent...
it might not be *****... it might not be shampoo
or cologne... it's something deeper...
i might only be a steward... the minion,
the infantry pawn... but i sense something,
"something" is suspicious...

then again; how the **** have i managed to juggle
my current predicament, i will never know...
women... they ******* each other off...
what am i, best next suitor for their children that
i am not a father of?
me? ancient Rome's good uncle Caesar?
sure, i'd love to be even the most remote: surrogate status:
if i was given full access... but even these poor *******'
biological fathers are not given full access...

who the **** am i? what, i know that universities
are ideological breeding grounds, that i too agree:
it's going to become a waste of money?
that i know ethnic words like: niqab?!
that i can't be anti-racist: because even the racists
are people that need to be catered to?
i can be: non-racist... but i can't be anti-racist,
why? yeah, a low-hanging fruit...
trying to establish a new aristocracy...
my preferred pronouns are:
the royal ONE & WE...

one might think that we are not invoked to
ask such questions or to give such answers...
one is always supposed to counter any deviances
with a: we might do Z...
one most certainly concerns oneself with:
ought we?! if one is not concerned with (an) i;
since one is rarely to be bound to being agreeable with,
yet, disposing of an agreeableness
that constitutes a we; paradoxically...
it ought to be believed that that's how the English Restoration
looked like... on the basis of how language was
utilised...

year 0... we're not really having this conversation...
believe me (that) we're no(t) having it...
you're not reading this,
i actually haven't written it...
it's just a figment of your "imagination"...
but to think that the infra-sctructure of
the English language would be / could be... undermined
by their own native population....
so easily... as to be so accommodating to the fringes
of society?!

hey! maestro! now you let the orchestra play!
o.k.?!

what is wrong with me?! i thought i was way past this
teenage point infancy of feelings -
i thought i would never return to the boy that would
look at girls with longing in high school -
who'd ask them to be drawn - whether Janina in art class
to asking this new girl Emma a year my junior
when she started attending our school's sixth form
college and i asked her: can you give me a photograph
of yourself... i want to sketch you...
i'm sitting down writing this listening to music that
i listened to as a teenager... for ****'s sake... Backstreet Boys?!
you have to kidding me: i'm kidding myself...
i feel like a mollusk: all mushy-peas and butterflies
in my stomach...
she was new to the job... but i worked with her friend
who she apparently has know for donkey's years...
i always wanted to come across this sort of an English
beauty... dark ginger hair... not even remotely ginger...
no freckles... perhaps slightly pale skin... but in her own words
she tans decently... i was curious: that's not ginger:
proper ginger.... it's more auburn brown: perhaps a darker
shade of ginger...
and her smile: lustful yet at the time playful...
Gemma... oh Gemma Gemma...
         why am i getting all these butterflies... why have i returned
to the boy... i know this isn't love:
it's such a sickly sweet infatuation...
i took care of her on her first shift... we worked the turnstiles
checking for Covid passes... we had fun...
she felt comfortable... i gave her my hand to feel
how cold it was...
    i hate jewelry on the hands but i didn't even mind
that she had four rings...
then her back story... how old are you, she asked: 35...
see... at 35 and not married, childless...
what's on offer? i can see girls in their early 20s... in their
late teens... oddly enough i can never find these
girls.. women... interesting...
obviously i didn't ask her for her age...
she was going to disclose it at some point: covertly...
she had her son at the age of 27... he's 12 now...
ergo? she's 39...
                   what are my prospects? if i didn't go mad
at the age of 21, i might be your atypical male in his 30s...
with a stable career, a decent income....
probably a mortgage, a car... but silly ol' me had
to ******* and look for god and honing a life under
the radar of prescribing myself to the pursuit of art
and a quasi-poverty...
it all looks great when such elevated feelings come into
play: but i can't afford the sort of things reality
dictates when it comes to women...
some boyish infatuation bound to a 30+ year old man
is only going to hurt me...
poker face on...
     i can't provide what is expected of me: if anything
is to be expected of me to begin with...
i better keep my distance...
while there she is... telling me of her private life...
aged 27 she was impregnated...
the guy broke it off with her 3 months before they
were supposed to get married...
he apparently said that he would be ****** if he stayed
and doubly ****** if he left...
an alcoholic, he was charged with battering her
and her son: his son... then 3 years old...
he was given an 8 month suspended sentence and
some hours of community service...
his second, third, fourth? partner he also impregnated...
but she was already mothering three children
from three different fathers... ahem... "fathers"...
he apparently drew up 8 thousand pounds of debt
on her credit cards...
                      i'm in love, i'm infatuated...
but in the back of my mind... i'm getting "triggered"...
we talked about her kid... i tell her that i was also an only
child... the kid calls him ****, doesn't call him father...
hasn't really seen him: to the best of his ability to remember...
while we were coming back from our Fulham shift
she would rest on my shoulder,
look at me like a schoolgirl... i'd pretend to not notice...
she would sit slightly forward...
rest her elbow on my leg... she felt sick, she had a headache...
good on my to have had some paracetamol...
i told her to draw the glass down so gusts of fresh air
would her face...
god... the only thing that was missing was
seeing her face in the moonlight, in a forest...
RYAN ADAMS - STAY WITH ME...
we passed the national history museum and she thought
about going inside... the ice-rink outside...
the ice-rink outside of Somerset House...
once you get older ****** tensions become so much more
deliberate...
subtle... yet nothing closely associated with
the vulgarity of being a teenager: we're talking about
hurt creatures mingling with hurt creatures...
yeah, women made mistakes... judge them?
not when they are coming across so insatiable...
i never thought i'd return to this arena of feeling...
she picked up some Chinese take-away while dropping me
off at the nearest Tesco so i could pick up a liter of whiskey
and ******* home...
Fulham FC beat Bristol City 6 - 2...
                 oh Gemma Gemma, Gemma...
i've been living in England since i've been 8 years old
yet i've only ever dated a French girl, an Australian girl,
a Russian, ****** a Thai surprise, a Turkish *******...
an Ukrainian *******, a Romanian *******...
i too consider myself an alcoholic...
but... ramming my fist into a woman, choking her...
beating my own offspring... that **** is off-limits...
i've been missing to tell English girls what i've been dying to
tell them for the past 20 years...
would i take your son on a date with you in tow
to the National History Museum?
sure... i think i would...
         but that's what's on offer...
                            too many unrealistic expectations on
the behalf of 20 year old girls...
Gemma has a car... i rather cycle... could me and your
son go cycling, toward Epping?
sure... that's... what's on offer...
fair enough for the infatuation... but when reality
comes around to bite my *** i know this will only have been
a very beautiful dream... chances are...
for every kid there will be a different daddy...
hell... she might be a lesbian... but she has children...
she's dating women but... what?
she went to the ******* *****-donor clinic
for her sample of progressiveness?!

beautiful, i don't know how i found my extroversion
and my confidence, maybe it was always there:
sleeping... while i was looking for something else...
i might drink, excessively at times...
but even i'm thinking along the lines:
i ****** up... but i didn't **** up to that point...
not that i'm any better... just saying:
at least i'm not scarring younglings...
to hell with bringing children into the world if
you **** them up outright...
i'd rather have no children than **** up children...
but i still can't help falling in love...
even if she's 3 years my senior...

you know what she even mentioned... her anxiety...
why are these women so open with me?
i'm the guy who ***** off into a forest or a graveyard
at night... am i to be trusted?!
so she tells me that she started gnashing her teeth...
grinding them unconsciously...
because of all the stress her supposed super EX...
the one that impregnated her, that run 8K pounds' worth
of debt on her card... she now has to think about
getting filling on four of her teeth:
since she was grinding her teeth...
i did that once... just after my great-grandmother's funeral...
i sat alone in the kitchen and gnashed my teeth...
i also took a red rose i was supposed to throw
into the grave for some ******* reason:
which i didn't... i didn't... i sat alone in the kitchen
at night and played around with the candlelight...
i managed to turn a red rose into a purple rose
by the use of candlelight...

to be in love once more: but... oh **** me...
the reservations keep flooding in...
this might only become a one night stand of me feeling this...
we picked up her Chinese takeaway...
while she dropped me off i was tempted to
kiss her hand goodbye... i refrained...
i was sort of waiting for the words:
you want to come over with me?
i just left her to her Chinese takeaway to herself,
alone... i'm drinking whiskey on my own...
but... am i alone?

               what a ****-show modernity has become...
honest to god and the devil...
the arch-angels and the demons....
you are here: you are here...

tonight i might have to mount the tired
steed of snow & the frozen lake...
to make it over some minimal distance...
oh Gemma, Gemma, Gemma...
you eating the Chinese take-away yourself...
not that i'm at all the best of company...
but how pretty you look.

entablature archetypal wrangle arguable arraign arrest ascribe arsenal article artificial artisan ascension austere askance obliquely aspire assail assault assay assert diligence obsequious assimilate stigma perspicacious astute asunder atman atrium attrition intrepid autonomous avarice avert avocation azimuth azure abbreviate aberrant abhorrent relinquish loathe abstinence abstention  abysmal accelerate accordance accoutrement accrue exasperate acquaintance baccalaureate bacillus backbite baggage ballistic baluster bandolier banister barrage barranca barrier bartizan basilica bastion batholiths bathyscaphe battalion batten battle bauble ***** beastly ******* beckon beacon bazaar bizarre Bedouin beguile behavior beleaguer belligerent belvedere berserk beseech bewilder bezant bicker bigamy bight bilk billet billiard billow biogenic biscuit bivouac blatancy blizzard bodacious boggle bollix bombardier boudoir bouquet butte boutique bower brassier mesa breach breech brochure brogue brooch broach bruise brusque buccaneer buffoon bureau buttress buxom caffeine cauldron calisthenics calligraphy callous camouflage campaign campanile cannery cannibal canny cantaloupe cantankerous cantilever capacity capillary capricious carbohydrate caricature carnivorous carouse carriage cartography casserole cassette cataclysm catastrophe cache categorical caterwaul cavalier cauliflower celerity alacrity cellophane cellulose cemetery centennial cereal cerebellum ceremonial cesarean cessation chaff challenge champagne chandelier changeable chaparral charade chargeable chassis chateau chauffer chauvinism Cheshire chiaroscuro chicanery chiffon chigger chrysanthemum cipher circuit citadel clairvoyant clastic clique coalesce coercible coincidental colloquial colossal column combustible communicable community commute complacency compulsory comradery conceit conceal concession confetti conglomerate conjugal connive connoisseur consensus constellation consummate continuity contrivance convalesce convenient convertible convolution copasetic copious corduroy coriolis cornucopia corollary corpse corpuscle correlate correspondent corridor corroborate corrosion corrugate corrupt costume counselor countenance counterfeit courageous courier courtesy covert covetous cranny crease credenza credulity crescent ******* criterion crochet crocodile croissant crotchety crucial cruel cryptic cuddle cuisine cul-de-sac culinary culpable culvert cumbrous cummerbund ******* cunning curare curiosity curtilage curtsy curvaceous custody cylindrical cymbal cynicism cyst dabble daffodil daiquiri damsel dastardly dazzle deceit debilitate debonair debris debutant decency decipher decimate deconcentrate decorum decrepit dedicate defamation defendable defensible deference deficient deficit definitive defoliate delectable deliberate delicatessen delinquent delirious demarcate dementia demolish demure denigrate dentil denunciation deplorable depreciate dereliction derisory derrick descent desirable despair desperate despicable despondent destine deterrent detonate deviance devisal devisor devour dexterous diabolicalness diagnosis dialogue diamond diaphragm diarrhea dichondra dawdle differentia difficulty diffuse dilapidate dilate dilemma diligent dilute diminutive dinghy dinosaur director  dirigible disadvantageous disastrous disperse disciplinary discomfiture discordant discotheque discreet discrete discrepancy disgust disguise dishevel dispersal dissect dissention dissertation dissident dissipate dissolve dissonant distillate distortion distraught disturbance divvy docile docket doctrinal dodder ***** eccentric linguistics domical dominate domineer dominion dossier doubloon douse drawl dreary dubious dulcet dungeon duodenum duress dwindle dynamism dynasty ebullition echinoderm eclectic ecliptic economist ecumenism edifice editor educe effervesce efficacious egalitarian elaborate elapsed eerie elegy eligible eliminate elite elixir elongate elucidate elusion eluviation emaciate embarrass embassy embellish embezzle embroidery embryo emissary emollient emphatic enchilada encore encumbrance endeavor endogenous endure engender ensemble enthusiast entourage entrepreneur epaulet epitome erratic erroneous escapade esophagus espionage esplanade etcetera ethereal etiquette eucalyptus eulogy exaggerate exacerbate excellency exhilarate expectant exquisite facetious Fahrenheit fallacy fanion fealty feisty frisky felicitous fenestration ferocious fertile fervent fickle fictitious fiery finesse finial fjord flaccid fledge flippant flirtatious flivver fluctuate follicle forbearance forbiddance forehand forebode forceps forfeit
forgo forlorn formidable foundry foyer fracas fraught frivolous frolic frontier funnel copious furrow fuselage fusillade futile forgone frivolity frolic galaxy galleon galoot galore galoshes gambit gangrene ganglion gargantuan gargoyle gardenia garret garrote gasolier gatling gawky gazebo gazelle gazette geezer geisha gendarme generosity genre genteel gentry genuine geodesic geranium gesticulate ghastly giggle ****** gimmick giraffe gizzard glacier glamour glimmer glimpse glisten glottis gluteus gluttony glyph gnarly gnaw goddess godling gorgeous gorilla gory gossamer gourd gouts gracious gradient granary grandeur granulation grapple gratify gratuitous gregarious grenade committee grievance griffin gristle grotesque gristly grotto grouch groupie grisly grovel grudge gruel gruesome gubernatorial guerrilla guffaw guidable guidon guile guillotine gullet gymnasium gyrate habitable hacienda haggard halibut halitosis hallelujah hallow halyard hammock harangue harass harried hasp hatred haughty hearth hedonism hegira heinous hegemony hemisphere hemophilia hemorrhage herbivorous hereditary heresy heritage heroine hesitate hibiscus hidden hideous hieroglyphic highfalutin high-rise hilarity hippopotamus hoarse holler holocaust holster homicidal horror hosiery hurricane hydrant hydraulic hydronic hyena hygiene hyphen hypnotize hypochondria hypocrisy hypocrite hypotenuse hysteria idiocy igloo ignoramus ignore illicit illiterate illustrate imbecile immaculate immaterial immature immersible immigrant immune impasse impeccable impedance impenetrable impervious imperfect implement implicate implicit important impressible innately inert impression impugn inadequate inanimate inauspicious incandescent incantation incarcerate incentive incinerator inclusion incoercible incompressible incontrovertible controversy indefatigable inconvertible inconvincible incorruptible indices indictment indigent indigestion digestible indignant indiscretion indiscreet indisiplined indiscernible inducible inebriate ineffable inefficacy ineludible inexorable inexpiable inextricable infallible infatuation inferior inflammatory inflexible infuriate inimitable iniquitous infuse infusion ingenuity ingratiate inimical innards innocence innovate innumerable inoculation insatiable insectivorous insincerity insinuation inspection inspirator instability installation insurance insufferable insufficiency insurrection insupportable integrity intellect intelligence intemperance intension interaction interception intercession interdiction interface interference interpolate interrogate interrupt intersperse intervene interstice intractable intergalactic intransigent intravenous intrepid intricate intrigue introductory introject intrude inundate invective invariable invertebrate investigate intuitive invertible investiture inveterate inviable invidious inviolate invigorate invincible invoke invocation invalidate involute invulnerable impregnable ionosphere ipso-facto irascible iridescent eradicable irrational irredeemable irrefragable irrefutable irregular anomalous irrelevant irreproachable irrepressible irresistible irrevocable irreverent irresponsible irritative irrigate irritability isolable isosceles isostasy  issuance isthmus italicize iterative itinerary interjection ******* jackhammer jackknife jackpot jackrabbit jaguar jai alai jalopy jalousie jamboree Japanese jacquerie Jacobin jargonize jaunt javelin jealous jehoshaphat jeopardy jocular jouncy journal jubilant jubilee judgment judicature judicious juggernaut jugular juke julep juncture junta jurisprudence juvenilia juxtaposition kahuna kalpa kamikaze kerf kangaroo karat ken katzenjammer katydid kempt kerosene kewpie khaki kibitz kibosh kilter kimono kinesiology kleptomaniac knell knowledge knuckle kook kowtow kulak kyrie labyrinth laccolith laceration lackadaisical laconic lacunar lacquer lagging laissez-faire lamprey languish lanyard lapidary laputan larceny lariat laryngeal larynx lascivious latent latter lattice latrine launderette lavatory laxity lechery legacy bequeath legend leister lei leisure lemming leniency lentic leopard lethal lethargy lettuce leviathan levitate lexical liable levity liaison libation liberate licentious lieutenant ligament lilac limnetic limousine limpid lineage lynchpin lineolate lingerie lingual liniment linoleum liquefy litany literacy lithesome littoral lizard loath local loiter longevous loquacity lottery louver lucidity lucrative ludicrous luminary lummox lurid luscious lyricism machinator machinelike machismo macrocosm besmirched machiavellian mackerel mademoiselle maelstrom maggoty magisterial magnanimous magnifico maintenance malaprop malarkey malediction malamute malicious malign malinger malleable mandarin maneuver mange maniacal mannequin manure manzanita maquette maraca maraschino marauder marbleize marbly marionette marmalade marquee marquetry marrow marshal marshmallow martyr mascara masochism massacre matriarchy maudlin mausoleum maxillary mayonnaise meager meandrous medial medieval megalith mediocre Mediterranean megalomania melancholy melee membrane memorabilia menagerie mercenary mendacity meritorious mesmeric mesquite metallurgy metaphor meticulous metronome metropolitan mezzanine micrometer midriff mien demeanor millennium minarets minion minuscule minutia misanthropic miscellaneous mistletoe moccasin modus operandi monaural mongrel monotony morgue morose morsel moribund mortgage mosaic mosque mosquito motley mottle mucous membrane mucus mullion multifarious munificent museum musketeer mutable mustache mutineer myopic myrmidon mystique naïve narcissism narcosis narrate nausea navigable Neanderthal necklace needle nefarious negligible nemesis neophyte nertsy  nerve-racking nestle nether newfangled nocturnal nonchalant non sequitur normative Norwegian nostalgic nuisance nullify obedient obeisance obelisk obese objectify oblate oblique obliterate oblivious obsess obsolete obsolescence obstacle obstinate occupy occurrence ocelot odious oedipal officiate ogle ogre oligarchy omelet omnificent omniscient ontological argument oodles oomph opaque operable operative opossum optimal orangutan orchard orchestra ordinance oregano orgiastic oriel oriole ornery orphan osculate ostensive ostrich osteology oust overwhelm overwrought oyster pachyderm pacific pageant painstaking palate palaver libel palette pallet palomino pamphleteer panorama pantheism parapet paradigm papier-mâché paraffin paralyze parishioner parliament parody parquetry parsimonious pasteurize pathogenic payola ******* pediment pendant pendentives penicillin pennant pentathlon perception percussion perennial parameter perimeter peripheral peristalsis permissible pernicious perron perseverance persistent persona persnickety personnel persuasion petite pertinacious pessimistic pestilent pestle petticoat petulant phallus phantasmagoria pharaoh pharmaceutical peasant philander phenomenal philosopher phlegm phoenix phooey phosphoresce physique picayune picturesque piety pilfer finagle pilaster pillage pineapple pinnacle piquant pique piteous pitiful pittance pizzazz placate placenta plagiarism plaintiff plateau platypus plausible plinth plunderous pluvial poinsettia pollutant polygamy pommel ponderous portico portiere portentous prairie precipitous predecessor predicate predilection preeminent preempt preferential premier preparation preposition prerogative presumption pretentious preternatural privilege proclivity prodigious proffer progenitor progeny promissory promontory propellant propensity propound proselyte prospectus protégé protocol protuberant pseudonym  ptomaine pulchritudinous pursuant pygmy pylon python qualm quarrel quarry quash queer quell querulous quibble quitter quixotic rabbet rabbit rabbi radiant rambunctious rancor rankle raspberry rethink rebellion recant recital reconcile redundant referral reglet relevant reluctant remiss reminiscent remnant rendezvous renegade repartee reprieve repertoire repetitious reprehensive reprisal repugnant rescind reservoir resistant resurgence resurrect revelry reverie retaliate reticent retrieve retrograde reveille reverberation reversible reversion rhapsody rhetoric rheumatism rhinoceros rhinoceri rhubarb ribaldry ricochet riddance rigmarole risqué rive rollick Romanesque Rosicrucian rotisserie rotunda rogue roulette rubato ruminate rusticate sabotage sabbat saboteur sacrilege sadomasochist salacious salmon salutatory samurai sapphire sarcasm sarcophagus sardonic sarsaparilla sassafras sassy satiate satirical saturate saunter savoir-faire savvy scabbard scaffold scalawag scarcity scathe scenario scenic schism sciatic nerve ******* scintillate scissor scourge scrawny scrimmage scribble scruffy scrounge scrumptious scrunch scrupulous scrutiny scurry scythe sedition seethe seismic self-applause seltzer semiporcelain seniority sensible sensual separate sepulcher sequel sequin sequoia serape serenade sheaves serendipity  servant settee shabby shackle shanghai shanty shellac shenanigan Sherlock shirk shish kebob shoulder shrapnel shriek shrubbery shtick shush shyster Siamese sibyl significant simile simplicity simultaneous sinewy siphon skeptic skiff skillet skirmish skullduggery slaughter ****** sleeve sleuth slither slough sluice smart aleck  smidgen  smithereens  smolder  smorgasbord snazzy sneer snide snivel snorkel sobriety socioeconomic sojourn solder soldier solemn solicit soluble solvent sombrero somersault soothe soprano sophisticate sophomore sortie soufflé sousaphone ***** spiel souvenir sovereign spaghetti spandrel sparrow spatter sphinx spatula species specific spectacle spectral spelt sphincter spinach spinneret spiritual splatter splitting splurge spry  splutter sporadic sprawl sprinkler spree sprightly squawk spurious sputter  squabble squalor squander squeak squeal squeamish squeeze squiggle squinch squirrel stable squoosh stabilizer stagnant stagnate stalactite stalagmite stammer stampede stationary stationery statue statuesque statute staunch stealthy stein stellar stench stencil stoic steppe sterile stickler stifle stimulant stingy stirrup stolid strafe straggle strangulate stratagem strategy strenuous stretch strident stringent strudel streusel strychnine studious stultify stupe stupefy stupendous special stylus stymie styptic sublimate subliminal submergible substitute submersible subpoena subsequent subsidiary substantiate suburb subversion success succession succinct succor succulent succumb sufferance suffocate suggest suicidal sully sultry sumptuous sundae sundry superfluous superior supersede superstitious surreal supplicate surrender surrogate survey surveillance suspension suspicion sustenance swarthy ******* swath swear sweaty swelter swerve swindle swivel swizzle sycamore syllable symphony symposium symptom syndicate syndrome synonym synonymous synopsis synthetic syphilis syringe syrup suffrage tableau tabloid tacit tambourine tandem tangible tarantula tarot taunt technique telekinesis temperamental temperance thence temporal temporary tenuous tequila terrace terrain terrific terrify tetanus tether thatch thistle thither through though throat throttle thwack thwart ticklish tiffany timbre tirade titillate toboggan tolerant tongue top-notch topography  tortoise trauma tortuous torturous tourist tracery tournament tourniquet trachea traffic tragedy tragic traipse traitor tranquility transcend travesty transcribe treachery treatise trellis trepidation trestle trinket triplicate triumphant trivial troglodyte troubadour  trousers truncate tumultuous tundra turbid turpitude turquoise tutelage twixt twiddle twitter tycoon tyke typhoon tyrannical tyrannize tyranny umbrella unfulfilled unanimous usury undulate unequivocally unguent urethra unprecedented unscrupulous untenable unwieldy utterance vaccinate vagary valance valiant vandal variety vehement veldt veneer vendetta venetian vengeance vernacular versatile version vertebra vicinity victual vigilante villain vincible vinyl violate vitality vivacious volition voluminous voluptuous ****** vulnerable wahine waiver wallaby warble warrant wayfarer weasel wheedle wheezy weird whilst whistle whither whittle whoopee whoopla wistful whither wizen wont worse worst xanadu yowl yucca zephyr zeppelin zucchini extraversion embezzlement euthanasia extortion obscure carousing marauder aptitude ribaldry rigmarole chicanery shenanigans capers antics escapade crafty cunning cleaver connive furtive sneaky stealthy plunderous pillaging usurper pilferous wheedling finagler longevous loquacity derisory deplorable critical decimations tithe cynic frivolity frolic derriere easel emasculate emaciate linguistic depravity berate scold scorn scoff rail rebukeness  brawl vapid hamster spleen sequiter sequacious sequesterous flatulence impressible herbaceous impropriety veneration ignoble fatuous phatic journey acrid pungent fetid fiendness gamut ire irascible graffiti irk tedium diminutive minutia iota iterative reiteration self inductive interpolations objectified interstitial extrapolation trepidation tumultuous tortuous adjunct turpitude salient viable seethe conflagration lexical etymology idolatrous affectionate ****** caress craw swell surge flow flux amorous enamor endear ardent ardor cajole piquant poignant prescient puissant presage apex crux citadel pinnacle vertex vortex matrix ****** peak languishing lurid larcenous licentious lascivious squanderous squaloring wallow in the furrow confluence wretched infelicitous trajectory sordid warp strong raw war resume quirkness ***** tinker **** fink stink ******* eccentric pinky suit idiomatic cognate somatalogy virtuoso concurrent intemperance obsessive habitual addicts psychosomatic pathological psychopaths diabolically maniacal dementia panoramic tableau tediously meticulous laboriously beleaguering excruciating exacerbation autonomous avarice oscillating ostracism adrenergic analeptic adumbrate obdurate aberrance genocidal xenophobic prospectus personification of sartorial perfection visage picturesque vision of spectral grace picture of positive prosthesis protractive analysis cyborg ebullition ne plus ultra monad cybernetics prognosis prognostication clambering clamorous clangor hectic mayhem pulverize annihilate pompous bombastic query squash squawk squish squirm sprocket squeal squelch staunch statuesque steadfast steep stench stint strategic logistical tactician stratum stolid stoic stodgy viscid tumult stray streaky stretch strenuous striated strident stringent strive structural strut subjugate subjective substratum substantiate subterfuge subvert sultry sulk sundry superlative superfluous superficial syllogism soliloquy superovulation superfluity superfetation superfecundation suspicion swig superstratum sycophant ingratiating surrogate suspension swindle swallow swanky swath swill sympathetic symbolic synapse synchronous syncopate synoptic synectics syndrome synonym syntax systematic larceny lecher oligarchy ribaldry rigmarole intoxicate tangential tectonics tantamount telepathy tantalize throng tactile taint talisman talesman squabble brash torment temerarious terminus thrall torpid torpor torque tousle  traduce transform transubstantiate transpire transmute transmogrify transport trapezium traverse treason tremulous trendy trivia trifles trounce turgor truculent tuft turf turbid turgid tussle twain twang twinge twerp twit twitch tweak **** procedure vernacular posthumous spasmolytic propagate prolific proliferative profusion profundity proliferate profligate cogent fecund secund secular thick trick quick mystical silhouette sojourn excursion genre engender jaunt pilgrimage prophet trek waver wrought waxy waylay weave weary web wedge ***** wend whang whet whimsical whir whinny whereupon whish whisk whoosh whizbang whoop whorl wield wile wilco wild whence wingspread wiry wiseacre wherewithal rapacity wolf whistle wrath wraith wrack worship wrest wretch wring wriggle wry shyster shylock phone roan tone zone bone hone loan drone known own moan cone done groan koan gnome dream gleam cream seam beam          team serene ravine green gene careen tellurian terrene quaff query quiescent radishes reciprocate raunchy raspy rascal rampant rampage ravage ****** ravish rebuke rebuff rend reave recourse reconnaissance reconnoiter rectify recompense rectitude reconcile regime reintegrate relegate rejuvenate remission remonstrance reparation replication reprieve reprisal nocturnal emission repose remunerate resonant retort revelation revision grandiloquence cleft fissure crevasse rift rill robust rouge niche
crack tromp stomp chasm crevice trudge rostrum rout roust row ruckus sagacious salacious sapient satiric sarcastic sartorial sartorius scalawag screed scrutable contemptible scurvy scuttlebutt seditious seduction sect segregant sequacious psychic reverie subterfuge serenade sequiter serendipity shuck shylock sibilant shush signet simulation siren skeptic sleek slick slinky snare ****** sneeze sneer snide smug intrados loquacity spandrel iambic sonorous spatial spatiotemporal telemetry spectral spry spectrum speculate solicitor sprout spoof specular splendiferous sporadic spurt binge spree ***** squalid forte fortitude Gumby emit war  time raw umbrage ultraism ultimatum unary unbridled uncanny unanimous ambiguous biased unabated uncharted articulate deviating undertow congenial feint feign unity predicate unprecedented paradigm unscrupulous brash dire unfathomable unlimited urchin usurp utmost utilize fluctuate vague vacuous vanity vanquish vantage veer vast advent veracity verbatim vertex vortex vertigo vestige vex vigor vitalize virile vicissitude viscous visceral virtuous virulence vital virago vivacious vivid livid splurgeness stag vituperatively vociferous volition void voracity waft vulturine wacky waifs wainscot waive wallah itinerant wand wane lavish wanton wonderlust warrantee warn warp warlock warren wastrel wastage warranty dicker insidiously sinister flagrant verity maniac pack mendacity abscissa ordinate yacht yearn yaw yare yen yelp yin yonder yoni yore yours yolk zany zest zeal  zenith zingy zooid treatise hyperbolic lingam blasphemous farcical fugueness and estranged ensemble orchestration rendition various assorted forms of related stranger weirdness traveling down this obtusely overt contusion in my vehicular contrivance convection convolution abalone absolute acceptance accurately acquiesce acquire actually adamant additional adequately adherence affiliation affinity against aggressive allegiance although allusions amendable analogous analysis anchor ancient animation annihilation appeared approach appropriately archaic assembler assimilation assuage attain attempts attendant attribute audience aura auspicious authoritarian authoritative barbeque before belligerent binary blazing Buddha bulwark carousel ceaselessly ceremony chaos character charisma Christmas chronological cite classification classify clutter cocoon cognation cognizant comment communal complete conceive conceptual conclusion conducive conquered consciousness constituent construction continuum contrarily convenient corporeal collage creates credibility crystalline culture curious curriculum decadent decide deferred deified deity deliberately delineate deluded delusion demagoguery democratically descriptions desire destroy destructively develop dialectic dictates difficult diffuse disappeared ecstasy ecstatic efficiency elaborate elliptical empathy endeavor engaging equipment escape especially essence eventually evolutionally excellence excitement expectorant expedience experience extraneous extremity façade facet fashions fever flatten forgotten frailty framework gapping glimpse grandiose graphically groan growing hedonistically hierarchy hobby holocaust homogenous hovering ideology imagination immaturity immediate imperative impertinence important inadvertency inapplicable indispensable individually infancy initiate innate interpreters intervene intricacy intrinsic irrelevance jagged kaleidoscope lit literally lose ludicrous macabre minstrel meld mischievous model monstrous mores myriad mystic necessity negativity Newtonian normalcy nuance nullify obnoxious obscure obvious occasional officiate ominous omnipotent oppose optimizes oscillating ostracism paradoxically partially participants pebbles perceive pervasive phenomena portrayal posses preceding pretty prevalent pregnant primitive prism processional progress prominent proprietor psychic psychological purpose pyramid quandary rational receptacle recumbent redemption refused reiterate relatively relativity relevant reminiscent renaissance revere schemes schizophrenia separately sequence serious severe socially spontaneous stalwart stimulus stomach struggle stunned succession superimpose supplement suppose surround swimming switch symmetry sync taubla tapestry tenacious tendency tyrant terrestrial torrential totally tomorrow transient turbulence tyrannical ulterior ultimate universally unwarranted vicious weather yankee whether soliloquy amenity ambivalence ameliorate aggrandize aghast agrapha barnacle gerrymander jasper jasmine obfuscate obdurate castigate metaphysique cyborg appliance intrepid intrigue mystique impetus volition gumption motivation inspiration metaphor parable leprechaun leniency secund hefty endogenous exogenous lozenge irrefragable recalcitrance fecund jaded seal ordinand obdurate aberrance ignominious interface consent imbroglio embroilment lethargy impressionism agitator treacherous lurid allure obstreperously abstruse subconscious squanderous squalid anomalous punitive incendiary infrangible extemporaneous incognito (succubus , incubus) incongruous incredulous indemnify indigenous infernal infidel iniquitous secular funky spunky Rosicrucian epicurean phlegm levity levee lubricious loath loathe frigid **** ******* lick fenestration dire ****** brash crass rash aggrandize tactile acuity bridge rude crude bandy randy monad positive indenture obnoxious obtrusive obtusely overt indemnities annuities cavalier dawdling gallivant bought naught fought caught ought dribble rip zip gig blond entropy catalyst cohort cavort chronological sublime purvey pander meandrous extravagant exorbitance ***** vicarious endear eccentric cognate frolic frivolity fawn agnate aggregate junction function conjunction conjecture conjugation adjunct contiguous constituency cohesive coercion covert maestro maitre d mastoid newel minx murk monad muss muggy mull mirador bartizan musky meager demonstrative anarchy iconoclasm misnomer mimicry minaret mimetic monocracy pungent mordant mnemonics mangle maim mutilate mesomerism morpheme nepotism nurture vexation anxiety vindictiveness vendetta moot void null meringue laconic obliterate papaya proboscis podiatry polemist porcupine palindrome pandemonium presumptive procureness ploy **** paltry pander paphian pummel puny presage felicity parley parturient potpourri partisan peccavi verity goad penumbral platitude platonic proxy photic pharos perdurable preemptory posh perfunctory perilymph phoneme phenetic phantom permeate proximity phantasm phalanstry delusory apparition pietism oviparous expiate vindicate extricate  exonerate absolve posthumous prehensile prerogative presumptive prestissimo preterite retroactive primacy prevaricate equivocate primordium primeval puissance  pristine prescience prompt prodigious protagonist prurient pyre lurid pshaw guffaw purlin purloin quirk pith quark ***** tip put temerarious userp asymptote pirate tiny hat  thief tine slow slide slim hide me effigy infinitesimal slink slick paw
flaw craw claw heuristic swum cuckold climb locuna live **** sly **** sequacious expeditious sequesterous glove glaive glade
don’t dale  otter glue equestrian gog rift cog gone lean had good gold ride ode *** house pine low law earth *** guilty slime negligent torrentially torrid tortuously tempestuous einzeln function truckness presumptive procureness ploy **** off the line cyborg cylon live antonym exogamous dimorphism pry rap gape homogeny gap dudely cruel incredulity ergo apropos ipso-facto pith tip push where keeky geek peek peep glib jive gawk talk dudely cruel off the line but off it !  pit ego colossal incredible fantastic great outrageous amazing fabulous terrific stupendous splendiferous glorious God grandiose orgiastic magnificent ne plus ultra astounding astonishing bodacious marvelous exuberantly ecstatic subliminal nostalgic allusions subordinate ancillary conjectures similar analogous configurations exotically ****** quixotic render proof orchestration rendition unicorn railway mainsail ebullition monad girdle thigh spasmolytic heuristic sartorious sartorial discrepancy amendment rip reave rive tear rend esoteric erudite beleaguer hype synch torque your ringer occipital sync ubiquitous eucharistic oblation obeisance oblate obelisk ubiquitous edifice ******* efficacious salacious lubricious sagacious expeditious grief  orgiastic paroxysmal orthogenesis overture repertoire quagmire quandary poshly plush lushly lustful longevous loquacity hunky-dory harbinger guzzle gyro gyre exult heuristic awkward humph haberdashery hauberk huarache bourgeoisie dichotomy greave zealot goatee cavalier humerus gumption hors d’oeuvres coalescent hysterically delirious coercion nullify correspondence corral coral architrave archaeology ardent ardor arduous awry askew asinine altruistic allure allude alluvium aloof egress effulgence ephemeral apathetic anxiety antonym existential exigency exodus expiate esoteric exacerbate evoke exact exult excerpt exorbitance cajole argent apriori arbitrate appliqué aqueduct presumptuous prestige precocious precursor preempt predilection premises premonition preoccupy preponderance prescient pretentious perineum peristyle perpetuity pervade pertinent portent elicit pursuance putrid quasi queasy quaver quarrel rampart ransack voracious rapport ratchet raucous ravenous reciprocal rectitude emanate imminent perdition erudite erogenous scarp lambent reticent vehement auspicious austere consternation construe contingent convection convolution convenient cocoon coerce collaboration collude vacuum vacillate vestibule vicarious recalcitrant repudiate resend resilient resonance purvey wreak writhe wreath fortuitous fulminate fuscous cudgel futurity gable gallivant gallant embellish gauntlet scavenge scandalous scarify scatter schlieren scholarly scoundrel scowl unmelodious scramble scrabble scraggly craggy cephalic fallacious fallible absurd cutaneous synthesis commission extreme  conscientious adherent proponent subtlety diligent receive interesting abhorred exorbitant arrangement intelligence surprisingly important encompass contributes asymmetrical excellent elliptical collaboration straddled collapsible spanned feasible oriented pervasive artistry instructor precursor innovate adrenergic adumbrate queasy acclimatize accommodate acceptive accordant accrue accusation acrimony actuarial acuity adduce adjective adjunct admonish adroit aerobic aesthetic prosaic affiliate affluence aggravate aggregate agnate agonize airy albeit alchemy allege allegiance allegorical alleviate allocution ambience ambivalence amenity amenable anaclitic analgesia anacrusis analeptic anathema subordinate ancillary anecdotist animism animosity annulet announce anomaly anonymity antagonize antecedent subsequent antefix antenna anterior pathos antipathy antithesis aperture appall adorn pertain appreciate aquifer arbiter arbitrage arboreal frantic pedantic febrile fanatic quixotic hegira to xanadu frenetic zealot zeal eucharistic oblation occipital ubiquitous omnipresence opulent effluent affluence larcenous overture orgiastic paroxysmal ornithology orthogenisis gleam sheen English bird treacherous lecherous asinine dumb foolish stupid inane ignoramus absurd idiotically imbecilic silly unintelligent dense dingy crazy insane quasi slow epos epitomize epochal era gemma schema lemma jargon idiom colloquialism vernaculars peer quay pier pair appearance insipid vapid insidiously insolent pompously bombastic blatant flagrant chaparral epopee pseudopodia actuator militantly mercenary covert adumbrate intimate obfuscate abet abeyance proxy fugue edict advocate détente anticipate angary amentia terse inabsentia expurgation imputation impugn exculpate eugenic euphenics incumbent incipient accidence acoustics acquittance amore malign asperse amok amuck allegorist pervert aspect aorist wrist expiate asylum epigynous anovulant antenatal antidote antiquity antitrust antithetical argufy apartheid apocalyptic apologist apothecary apomixis appreciate aposteriori apostrophe protractive analysis parabola avidity liberty concise tine albeit life still arrogance coherent abandon abate abash abase abdicate abduction abject abominable abominate abomination abound abrogation absolution absorption accentual accession accede accessible accommodate accomplice accomplish accrual accursed acerbity acrimony accredit accustomed actuality actuate addle adamant adjutant adventive adultery adulterate adventure adversity advertent adulteration venturesome advocacy eyrie aerie aerial affix affront aggressive agile acuity tactile nimble agnostic agog agonist aghast avid avarice agrarian curtilage Arian airhead peterbrain alacrity alchemize alibi allegation allegory gorge ally allocate aloof altercation ambition amatory prelude amaze amateur  ambidextrous ambient amble amiable amicable amorist amulet analeptic analgesia analytics anathema android amalgamated anemometry animism annals chronicles annex annul annoy anonymity antecedent arcade armature arson articulate ascension assiduity asperity asynchrony augmentation audible auger aural areola auspice austerity authenticate autonomic astronomical enumeration auxiliary avenge avert economist autonomist autonomy aviatrix axiom avow avouch bifurcate bigamy bend bind bent bisexual berate bereft hype due behave behaviorism ******* behest bereave beholden biologism bureaucratize circumvent conscribe bacchae backslide backswept badland baddy bagnio baize balky ball hawk balmy bambino bamboozle banal bandwagon baneful banishment bankruptcy banter bandy barbarism barbarous barratry base pay bang bash bastardy bawdry lewd obscene ***** bawl beamish beatitude ****** beat beautiful bedlam beggary begrudge befuddle perplex behalf beleaguer beneficiary benevolence benighted bequeath bequest berth betroth bevy birth bitchery bivouac blabber blandish coax blah blither blare blazon bleak blear blighter bliss bloomy blot blunder blotch blooper bludgeon gag blurt blush bluster bonkers bosh boulevard bout brat browse brunt brute buck passer buffet bungle bungalow bunk bunt buoyancy burglarize burnish burp belch burlesque bureaucratize sorrowful lamentation baleful caterwaul
true clench closet queen constitution provocative soap menagerie melee cirrus camorra caboodle cabotage cabriole cacophony
cadge cahoots cagey cairn calamitous calculate calibrate  caliginous caliper calyx callet cameo campestral canard candid candidacy candelabra candor canker can’t canter canteen canoe capitation captivate capture carapace caribous carnal carnival carny cartomancy casque castellated caste castle catacomb catatonic phonics caustic cavernous celibate censor centric centrifugal centripetal certify cervixes cestus chalet chalice chameleon changling chaperone charlatan chary chaste chastise chastity cheeky cherish chesty chide ***** chintzy chivalrous chinch chomp choose chortle chromatic chronic intrinsic chroma chump chutzpa chute cinch conciliatory ciliary ciliate citadel citation civility clank clammy clang clairaudience taciturn reticent classify inveterate claudication cloven cleft cliché click clinch clement clip clique ******* cloak & dagger clobber clog clone clonk cloth clothe clothier cloture redolent clout cluck clump clumsy clunk coadunate coalition coadjutor coaster brake coax cochlea chronology inundate **** coexist anachronism coercive coitus coincide collinear collateral collegiate collision collusion coma combinatorics comfy  commandeer  commensurate comensal commend commerce commence commodious commotion compatible compensatory competitive compile complexional complicity comply connotation compost composure compunction compulsory concatenate concoct catenary concubinage condolence condemn condescending conducive cavalcade confidant confession confirmatory confiscate conformity confrontation congruence congeal congenial conjure connection connivance connote conquest conscript consequence conservatism consistent console consolidate consort conspire contagium contention continuity controvert conveyor copulative cordial cordon cornucopia coup couth coy crag cranky craven cringe crud culminate cumulate cursive credulity credulous infidel gullible diatonic perturbed derogate edict delict rage tirade irate vehemence denouement denounce tire dervish dictatorial diction proof desolate deontology Kant indenture defray detinue douceur amuse disseminate eustachian daft dainty damnify dapper dastardly dauntless daymare dead heat dead horse debauch debacle decadent debauchee decamp declamatory declension decorticate deductive default defeasance defenestration defunct defrock deformacy degeneracy deft deforce hipster mesmeric deification deist deleterious delimit deltoid delve deluge delusion delirious demimonde demesne demiurge demoniac demonetize demonstrable denizen denegation denigration demur demure despot desperation destine despise detect determinative determinism detersive deterrent detest determinacy detectaphone devout devoid detract desultory detrimental detour deviate deviant devastate devotion devious devisee devolution devolve developer dialectic dharma diagnosis prognosis matriculate diacritical differentia diffraction digenesis dignitize dignitary dilly diligence ***** dilemma dilapidate diminution **** ding diphtheria diphthong dent dirge dirk disaffirm discontinuity disclaim discern discord disconsolate discourteous discredit discontinuance discretion discriminate distain disenfranchise disenchant disencumber disenthrall disembody disgorge disgrace dishonest disguise disengage disinfestant disjunct disillusion disinfectant dislodge dismal disloyal disoblige disobey disparity disparage dismantle dismay dispatch dispel dispersive disproof dispute disrupt dissertation disrepair dissipate distillate distort distract ditto ditty diverge divaricate divert divest divulge dominion doohickey dormer doss dowdy doughty dowry drastic douse drat dray dread drawl dreary drippy drifty drivel droll drown drowsy drudge plan dubious dude dudgeon dulcify duct ductile drakeness ducky duel dull dusky tawny dynamic dwelling dwindle derisive bombastic primordial integumence parenthetically pragmatically prosaically practically protractively portion premise portent pervasive perpitude phenomena hierarchy predicate metaphysique endoskeleton ectomorphic dour droll dismal dank dreary bleak stark Electra complex lore epigone epigraph epsilon epistaxis epilation earnest earthshaker earthward earwitness eclectic ebonize electroacoustics ciphony ebullience eccentricity echelon echoic eddy edgy edify edit educe edition eerie edacious effectuate effeminate effete efficient efflux effrontery effluent effusion ego defense eidetic ejecta elaborate elapse electioneer curtail elocution elucidate elegant eloquence Elysium emancipation manumission detinue osteopathy elucubrate emasculate emaciate embark embargo emanate emblazon emote embellish elusive enhance embracive embouchure emergent emendator embryology emit emissary emitine jacquerie empathy empennage emphasis emphatic emigrant empirical emulate emunctory encephalic enclitic yuck junk funky junkies enchant enchain enclosure encroach encrustation encumber endergonic endorse endowment enduro enfetter enforce energetic enemy enema enervate engender engage propensity preternatural proclivity prestidigitation gesticulation equilibrate equilibrium equilibrist preterite rendition retroactive engross engulf enhance enjoin enlightenment enlist impressed enormous ennoble enrich  ensheathe enshroud ensnare ensnarl entanglement enthrall enthusiasm entice entity enthuse entrap entreat entrance enunciate envoy envy envisage epigynous epigraphy cipher epilogue episodic epitaph epistolary epithet equate equestrian equity equivocal equivocate eradicate erosion eroticism errancy erratic erroneous ersatz erumpent erudition erythron epistemology espalier essentialism progressivism esprit espy estimator estrus estuary etcetera ethnic ethos ethic eternal ethereal eugenic euphenics eustachian tube salpinx euthenics euthanasia evacuate evaluate evasive eventuate evaporate evict evident evil evert evolve exact exaction exult exaggerate exasperate excel excerpt exception exclaim exclude exculpate excursion excuse execration execution exempt exhume exile exhaustive exhibitionism exhilarate exegesis exert exonerate expense expletive explicit exploitation exponent export exposition exserted exposure expound expurgate ubiquitous extemporize extenuate exterminate extensive externalize extinct extort extradition extrasensory extraordinary extol extract exuberate extrude foible fasciculation twitch flinch fenestra Fabian falchion falangist Phillip felly ferro falsie **** fess fink out festinate ***** bustle fourragrere fimbria feduciary fabricant fable fabulist façade facile facilitate facsimile facture faena fain fairing fallopian fallow fascinator fash fatalism fastidious fastuous fatidic fatigue Faustian fatuity faux pas feasible faze ******* facilitate feline feeler ferocity fertile fervid fervor fetor fetus fetology fetish feverish fester fetation fetch fiat fief fiasco feticide obnoxious fiacre figment fickle fictitious fiddling fidelity fidgety fierce fiesta  filch filly filthy finale finesse fingertip finicky fang finite firmament flabbergast fixation flak flashy flagitious ******
flashpoint paroxysmal retrograde flaunt flasher flask flat flap flaw fledge flee fleece fleet fleshy flighty flick flexible flimsy  
flimflam fling flinty florid flora ****** flourish flotsam  flub fluke flurry flush focalize foist footing foray forfeiture forgery foreign
forensic formalize format formica formulate fornication forsooth forswear perjurious fortify forte fortissimo fortuity forum abjure
abnegation fossil fosterling four flush frame up freaky frazzle frenulum fret frigidity frigate frill fringe fritter frontal fructify fruition frump frugal fuel fulcrum fulgurous fulham sable furor furring brazen furtive fustigate future perfect fuchsia find roan gauntlet gamut gatecrasher havoc glass jaw glare glass eye gabber gadzooks gaff gaga gage gaggle gag rule gainful gainsay gait gala gale gall gallery gallivant gallop galvanic gambrel roof gander gammon garb garish garble garnishment garrulous garter gasp **** gaudy gauge gaunt gavel gear fad gee haw gemma gender genealogist geotropism germinate gestation ghost writer ghoul gig gigantic gill gimmick gimp girlish gist gizzard glaive glamorize glance glaze glean glint glitch gloat globe gloomy glitter glom glob glop glorify gloss glower glutton glum slum glue hue gluteal gnash aphorism adage gnosticism gnome goggle gnomic gold digger psychic golem gore gorge gown gossipy gouge grasp greedy frigid gremlin greave grieve grin grime grim grind gripe ***** groom gross grit groin grove grout growl grumpy grunt guck gruntle guide guile guild guilty guise gull gulch gully gunk gushy gust gussy up gulp gusset gush gustatory gung ** gusto gutsy gyne gyre gynecocracy gyve guy  aceimnorsuvwx  bdfhklt  fgjpqyz atheist goblin Godiva grog hang up disinter gamet zygote hunks hunkers haunches black white life death lithe heart rending miserly greedy stingy frugal habitation propinquity habituate hackamore hagride hairbreadth halftrack hallucinosis hamstring handicapper handless hangin hand woven hanker hanky panky haphazardry hari kiri **** harangue harass harbinger harem oviparous residual harmonic harpy harsh hast hassle haggle hasty pudding haugh haunt haversack haversian canal hawk hazard heady heal headway heap hearing hearty heave heathen heavenly heavy duty heft heir heinous heifer heist helix enliven glue hellion helm hemlock hence heredity primitive anachronistic hangover heretical heritage hermit recluse heresy primordial integumence skull hernia hue hex heuristic hirsute hireling ally hint **** hoard hoax hitch hoist hokey hoot horizon hornswoggle horologist hostile hostage housebreak huckster hovel huff humeral hurtle hustle hutz pah homage homogeny exogamy hone honesty honkies hooky hutch hypercritical hypotaxis hysterics incoercible idiosyncrasy impugn idolatry ileum imagism idempotent ides ichor icky icon ics ictus ideational identity crisis matrix idea iffy ignescent illustrious immaterialize imitation inextremis immanentism immolation mollify impeach impedance impecunious impassion immutable retrograde recumbence inabsentia impious impenitence impinge implore impotent paroxysm impressment impute impromptu impoverish improvident imprudent improvise imputation inanely inanimate inauguration incorrigible inappreciative inconsequential irreverence inconsolably disconsolate irreparably irreconcilable incorporeity ideally ideogram inferential illicit incarnate incestuous inch incident converse incipient incite incognita incommodious incompliant incommunicado indagate incursion incus incumbent indecorous indecent exposure indecipherable indefeasible indenture indictable  indicative indignant indiscrete indite indolence indubitable induce indulgent industrious ineffectual inane inert inertia infamy infanticide infest infinitesimal inflect inflict infringe encroach infrastructure inflation influential informant inimical iniquitous innumerable innuendo inquisitor injunction injudicious inkling innocuous insolent insidious insipid inept phatic volatile instigate insinuate instinct intangible interdict intentional interject intimate intimidate intricacy intrigue intrinsic intrepid introspection introvert intrusive intuitive inviolate invade inundate invalid inventive inveigh inure defeasance foist isomorphic isthmus fistula jabber jackal jackleg jag jaunt jeer jerkin jest jetty jettison jiffy jig jilt jive job jack jolt josh jostle joust jovial judicious juggernaut jugglery jumble jumpy junctural jungle junk ****** jurisdiction justice justification jute jutty juvenile delinquency juxtaposition kale kalimba kangaroo court kaput karate karst kayo keel keep kempt kept keynesianism kick in **** kindle kinetic kink kist **** kleenex kismet kirtle kith kithe kitsch klaxon knack knavery **** knout kobold koan kneed king cogent adroit lollygag lummox languorous lanyard limbus lotic loquacious lesbian lam labial lambaste lampoon landmark bilk lang syne languish languid languor larder larky larvicide larynx lascivious lateral latent recumbent lapel laud lavish layette lecher leeward leer leech legacy legate lefty lest lewd avant-garde levant avaricious liaison libido libertarian lien ligature lilt list lisp liturgy livid loiter loom loophole lubricity lubric lucent lugubrious yuck lunkhead dolt lurk luscious luster luxury lynch lysis legerity lemma lickspittle limnetic ankh maverick mare liberum marabou machete machinate machiavelianism magniloquent macroevolution macrogamete Magdalene mantis mantra maniacal manubrium mare’s nest maenad majuscule maladjustive malfeasance maleficent malefactor malevolence mash malm malocclusion manipular manifesto mastectomy maw manacle manifest Manitou mana marrow pith manumission constitution marsupial mare nostrum masseur pervade perpitude quark master plan master race mastoid glitch exiguous skimpy scanty sparse masticate matriarchy matriculate escutcheon nombril mere mathematics matrix matinee impetus maxim axiom meatus minimax mediation mediocre medley metabolic meddle ménage a trios menagerie mendacity meroblastic menial meiosis meliorate memorandum memoir memento mori menace mesne menarche menorrhagia meninx mesh mesomerism mesne lord metal methodical meticulous mettle miasma microcosm militia mingy minion koan mirage mire misnomer modality mockery ****** mongrel monstrance morbid morose mortify mortise martingale motivity musky mushy murky muse mutuality muzzle myopia mystique mesomorphic nabob nadir narcosis nark native natty navaid necking pilaster neigh neuter neutrino nexus ****** nihilism nimbus nimiety nitty gritty noisome nominalism nonconformity non sequiter nooky noose nostalgia nostrum notch notion notorious noumenon nous nuance nubile nymph nympholepsy numinous ***** obliquity oblivion ubiquity eucharistic oblation obligee oasis oath obbligato obligatory obliterate obnoxious obscene obstreperously abstruse exude obviate ochlocracy odium odalisque ominous awesome omnivorous onerous onus opprobrium opprobrious optimal opulence orifice ornate orotund ostensible osteopathy oust outlier overawe overt **** ozone procurator pagan palingenetic pallid pallor paragon pagoda palpitate pander pandemic panhandling paraphrase paternoster pathetic paunch pavilion pawky peachy peculiar pedagog pedal pedantic peart peccant peeve perception intuition peremptory perdition perdurable detinue perfective
perfidy perforce periphery perjure perk permeate permute perorate perpetual perpetrate perpetuity perplexity persecute
perspicacious perspiration pertinent perturb ******* pesky perky pester pestilence petrify petrous phalanges juggernaut              
phenomenal phylogeny phobic phony photosensitize phrenic physicality ***** physicalism pick pictorial pious piety piffle pilgrimage pinion pithy placate placid plaint planetoid plasma platitude platonic plenipotentiary plucky plunderous poach plenary plummet polemic polyphonic postulate pouch polyandry polygamy populist pounce popsicle potentate pout practicable chatter prattle precarious precedence precess precious predetermined predicament preen prelusive premonition prefix preposterous prevail prevalent presumptuous **** prim priority depravation probity prodigious profane promulgate proffered prohibitive projective promiscuity propagandize propagate prophetic prosthetic propinquity prophylaxis protocol proprietous propitious haggard proxemics prosecutor prospectus protensive proximity pummel pundit prejudice piranha punitive purgatorial purificatory putschist kitsch quag quantum jump quarrelsome quarterstaff Quetzalcoatl quickie quirt quoit rescind reverb revile mnemonics retuse rabble rachis raconteur ratification radial radix raffish raft ragamuffin railroad raiment rake ramify ramet ramus rank rancid **** rapper rapt rapture rarefy rarified rave ravel raw raze razzle-dazzle razzmatazz realm ream reap rebuttal rebuff rebuke receptaculum recital recess reconcile recondite recourse recriminate rectilinear rectify rectitude recumbent recuperate recursive redeem redolent refer reek reeve reflective reflex refraction refulgence refuge refuse relativistic reliquiae remedy remorseless remnant repertory replicate reproach reptilian repugnant repulse repulsion rescissory residue resignation resolute restitution retraction restriction restraint resuscitate reticent retentive retinue retreat retribution revel reverberation reversal revert revulsion rhapsodic rhombus rhomboid rictus ridgy rifle riff rigorous ritzy rival roan roam roar rive robust rodent rodeo roguery rollick frolic romp rote rouge rout ******* rubble rubric rumpus rumor rural ruse rustle Ruth sitzkrieg superciliary supercilious surfeit suture bravo bravado seminal vesicle sacerdotalism sacroiliac sagacious saga safari saguaro salpinx salubrious salvo salve sanction sanctify sanguine sashay satchel satiate saucy savory scads scalpel scandalize scapula **** schmaltz schlep schnook scorn scour scoff scowl scow scram scrounge screak scud **** scuz seclude ****** seer selfish seminiferous senility sedition smear sycophant sensitize sensorium sentiment sequester sequential servile sham shindig shoddy singular screech situate skedaddle skew sketchy skittish skivvies slang slight slogan slovenly slouch sneaky snub soffit solvency sophistic spangle spar spawn spew squall squamous steeple logistical tactician strategy stupor subjunctive suborn subvert the clarity of criticism can create credibility comprehension can cause conducive consciousness supremacy surly burly squirrelly schema temporize tai pan tup trochlea ulna taboo taciturn tacit tacky tact talus tamper tang tamp tangible tangential tank tankard tassel tawny ****** telepathic temerity telos tenable tenet ternary terra-cotta testy topos tiercel theocracy tempting thew tizzy trite thirl throng thundering tantrum tonic torso topsy-turvy torus tour de force touristic **** tout tragus tractive trance tranquil traject transcend trample transducer transfix transgress transition transposition transude transpire treasure treason trek trenchant tremendous tributary trigeminal  trollop triumph tropic tropism troth trough tractable tract strumpet trove trump trustless tribunal twang tweeze twinge twirl twaddle tunic typecast tyrannical tyrannosaur traction padness tyrant tympanum twist ukase ultraism ultima ratio ultrastructure uglify umbilicus umbra umbrage unabridged unconditional unambiguous unanimity uncanny unceremonious uninucleat union unique unison unity farce sham unmannered unremitting unspeakable upsurge upstage urchin urbanist usherette usufruct travesty usury utensil ****** utmost ut uvea utter uvula utility uxorious usurp surreptitious vagabond vagarious vagile vagrant vagrancy vale valor validate vampire vanguard vas deferens vast vaunt vector venery venial veranda venture verbalist verboten verdant verdict verge vertebration verve vexatious fierce vigil vigorous vile vilify villainous vindicate violent virtue vitalist ***** vituperative vogue vomitus volunteer vouch vulcanization vulturous vulgarism weld **** volume decimate wahoo waive wangle wee weepy welch whammy war wharfage whereof whereupon wherein wherefore whereon wherewithal whine whopper wild goose chase wishy washy wisp woeful wrathy wrought wrong xenophile ******* fornication phantasmagoria fluent voluble yammer yelp yes man yummy zany zealotry zilch zing zombie zooidal zoom zounds zygomatic contiguous constituency confluence contiguity continuum concurrence conjunction conjugation métier quintessential

A loud siren noise blared through the room. “Ughhh! 5 more minutes!!!”, Addison grunted. “Ria, can you get that?”, Addison said. Soteria was lying at the foot of her bed in the form of a black cat. She just turned away and licked her paw. “Fine.”, Addison said. She sat up and her palm landed on the snooze button. She rolled off the bed and accidentally hit her head on the nightstand. She winced in pain, rubbing her head. Addison heard footsteps coming up the stairs. “Addyyy! Breakfast time!!”, someone said in a sing-songy voice. Addy looked at Ria. “Where is HER snooze button! It's 6 am! It should be forbidden to wake up this early”, she thought. “Coming Aunt Gemma!”, she shouted. She quickly got dressed and rushed downstairs.

Gemmaline turned to Addy as she walked downstairs. “I made your favorite! Enchantaberry Waffles!”, she said.  “What’s the occasion?”, Addy said, as she put a waffle in her mouth.
“Your first day of high school silly!”, Gemma said in a joyful voice. Addy slumped into a chair. “Was that today?”, she said in a muffled voice. “C,mon Addy. I know you are scared but-”, Gemma said, but was interrupted. “No, I'm not scared. I’m just... not a people person, ya know?”. “Not a people person, huh? What happened to the Addy that used to run around with other kids at the playground pretending to cast spells?”, Gemma said in a smug voice. “Oh, she’s still there. Just deep, deep, deep, deep, DEEEEPPP down.”, Addy replied. “Just- promise me you’ll at least TRY to have a good day”, Gemma said. “Ok, fine. I'll try.”, Addy said. “Thank you.”, Gemma said, as she kissed Addison on the head. Addison smoothed her hair out and walked towards the door. She slumped her bag onto her shoulder and unlocked the door. “Bye Aunt Gemma”. Gemma blew a kiss as Addy walked out the door.

Addison took a deep breath and headed towards the bus stop. She sat on the bench and looked down both ways of the cobblestone road. She pulled out her magic scroll. She started swiping through old pictures of her as a kid. One picture caught her attention. It was a picture of her holding her first wand. It was a basic starter wand, with a safety strap. “Was I really that danger-prone?”, she thought. The next photo was one of her dangling in the air, hanging from her wand. “Nevermind”, she thought.

Gemma~: Autres Temps,  Autres Vertus~~

A young girl, so innocent, so new,
Cheerful and happy in any place,
Sat alone in her room, beneath the argent glow of the moon
And whispered to the jewels that glittered the sky
        “I am beautiful, I am me.”

Now that she's older, the world around her has become colder.
As she sits in her bed, beneath the lunar glare,
Silver turns to red,
While she whispers to her familiar jewels
        “Am I beautiful, am I me?”

The moons go by, and her jewels remain ever changeless.
This time she stands on a chair, illuminated by the metallic gleam of the moon she held so dear
With one last breath and one last glance, arms wide open, she whispers
        “I want to be beautiful, I want to be you,”
And welcomes death.

The moon continued through its phases, and the stars stayed their course.
He sits alone in her room, in the argent glow of the moon
And whispers to her jewels that glitter the sky
        *“To me, you were always beautiful, to me you were always you.
        There is no one to blame, but the world who ought to hang her head in shame.”

i don't really know why the dub-step genre died so early
on, i mean: there were some truly authentic,
atmospheric artists residing in London,
Burial from south London for starters,
Benga - but **** on me, nothing ever came close to
DISTANCE, songs like: night vision, my demons...
the double album Repercussions -
     but the genre died a premature death... i guess all
that ******* regarding "the drop" before all hell broke
loose...

i must say, you tell me to move a tonne of brick:
i'll gladly do it, hell, it means that i don't have to do
100 push ups...
of course i'd rather ******* and do some cycling,
it's a passion, i never cycle for vanity,
i cycle for the thrill of traffic, i love to loiter behind
large vehicles moving to the right of them
so i don't find myself lost in the blind-spot...
right in the middle of the road...
large vehicles, esp. at roundabouts...
   momentum buffers...
always: the nearer i am to death the more of life
i draw... and perhaps it has always been like this:
while men feed off adrenaline,
women feed off anxiety...
how many times did i grunt beneath my breath
when approaching a roundabout and there'd be
a nervy driven afraid to join the traffic:
move *******! move! go!

- you will sooner find my dead than at a gym...
i'm still thinking about going swimming...
then again... the Thames at Cold-Harbour looks
very enticing... the Thames... a river that doesn't flow...
just sits there, like some weird *** elongated lake...
perhaps even a Loch... must be the tide in tide out...
yet... i always wondered...
what the hell happens when the river enters
the sea... is that some sort of inter-aqua osmosis
buffering dynamic or something?

gym bruh vanity projects my ***...
yeah, had this one "friend" who decided to loose some weight...
went to the gym... lifting weights?
when you want to lose weight?
bad idea... a very bad idea...
why? excess skin leftovers... you want to lose
weight: ******* for a swim or get on yer *******
bicycle... do the cardiovascular...
it's all relative: you're engaging your entire body
rather than parts of your body...
gym ******* comes after... for toning...
it's like art... first you paint the canvas:
the cardiovascular stuff... then if you're going
to have a couple having a picnic on the canvas:
that's when you go to the gym... or like me...
you do push ups... move bricks around or...
whatever...

if you're fat and hit the gym? expect to later have
problem with excess skin, like some ****** tattoo
of an ex-girlfriend's name on your buttocks...
and... time, patience... time, patience...
cycling or swimming... nothing else beats it...
- ha, the current climate of cycling while standing still...
Mr. Big's death on his peloton: peddle! peddle!
but don't go anywhere! ha ha...
i'd rather watch paint dry or buy myself a hamster
and a hamster-wheel in all fairness...

alpha-male ****-boys...
                                    hey, i'm not going to brag:
get it while it's cheap, but to hell with dating...
i dated once, but i was already ******* her...
went for oysters... and scallops... she was so desperate in
her hypergamy to stand above her fellow peers /
student flat cohabitants that she ***** herself into
my flat... bypass all the *******... there's only one thing
i feel like eating most of the time...
a fat juicy ****...

- but there really an art concerning the ironing of shirts...
i don't know why i didn't realise this prior...
it almost feels counter intuitive but i managed to get more
done than expected...
rubric:
1. collar
2. the yoke of the shirt
3. the sleeves
4. the cuffs
5. the lower front
6. the upper front
7. the entire body back

   i hate ironing shirts... but finding out this hierarchy
of what's to be done first... it has become
almost as pleasurable as shining my shoes...
arbeit macht frei: *******...
weird, isn't it, how that motto has changed in recent
times under my supervision...

- i only noticed... wait, what was i writing about?
well it's easy to get 100K+ views on a video,
people can ingest a video passively...
   i'm looking at 42K+ for one poem, given that i am
an alcoholic but also a workaholic:
maybe that's why i don't dream...
i just sleep... i fall asleep and "dream" of
a great amass of nothing, i wake up:
oh, look... a bunch of sparrows...
a pair of robins... perhaps it's different on the content
but if you've lived long enough in England...
it's eerie... watching crows fly past in pairs...
Huginn & Muninn... plus... it's not like you
get to see crows courting each other like pigeons
might... watch some ******* is a bit like
watching some pigeons try to get it on...
99% of the time the male fails...
do crows mate in the night, away from prying eyes?
they must do, they're very priestly in their daily affairs...
they not exactly prostituting themselves for
the eyes of man to peer at...
but i can understand videos getting so much views...
i watch videos passively,
i'm usually drinking or smoking
perched on a windowsill with my cat i've started
to nickname Rousseau... he has more nicknames than
is necessary... oh, sure... if i'm about to leave the house
and he's in the garden: QUORUS! the 10kg maine ****
starts dribbling his shadow home...
he sniffs my head... we head-****...
eh... i suppose having a child might have been
a fulfilling escape route: a completion...
but then again i had no siblings:
i was raised alongside an Alsatian and a Dobbermann...
i sometimes talk to my shadow:
what's happening in the underworld?
mein kleine: kleine betreffen...

           speaking English wasn't going to be enough:
it still isn't... i use it casually... i use it proficiently...
but i'm not satisfied with using it...
i need some etymological rooting... i need to go elsewhere...
English culminated itself into existence
from a range of sources... German, French... the Norse
Brigade... i'll go down the Germanic rabbit hole...
why wouldn't i have a fetish for some Deutsche?
oh ******* with the Russian... Cyrillic was always the ugly
sort of Greek... the alphabet looks cheap...
if the Russians are going to use the Latin A...
but invent some ****** version of D... to counter delta...
no... of course i can read it: but i don't want to...
yet...
         even at work, some coworkers tell me of the time they
spent in the USA... why isn't it called the FSA?
the federal states of america?
it's not like California has the same laws as Texas...
united, by... what? flag alone? support for the Olympic team?
i'm going to start calling it the FSA...
even though: it would clearly make the Bruce Springsteen
song sound less pop... born... in the eF! eS! A!

- am i somehow emotionally stunted for not having
children?
i've come across the people will children...
the plums of their eye... whatever the metaphor is...
very trust-worthy... when you bring children into
the world you showcasing a level of trust goes up...
it's almost an unacknowledged bias...
then again: this is England...
you have two factors to consider...
the over elevated concern for common knowledge /
common sense...
but there is that undercurrent... of common courtesy...
two-faced *******: but polite regardless...
i like the Thespian overtones in English society...
at least there's that fake middle-ground anyone
can grasp...

cats are not children... but if you can get a cat to
greet you with a head-****...
you're onto something...
           i don't think i could **** up a cat...
but i could most certainly create a Frankenstein's monster
from a child... that would be disappointing...
i sometimes across children: most of the time they
look mesmerised: by my posturing...
sure... the next generation is coming...
but i wouldn't want to put my gene-extension through
the washing-machine whirlpool of leftoid *******:
to begin with... trans-gender issue blah blah...
i'll go as far as to say... born on the Eve of Chernobyl...
my offspring might grow a third arm or something...
i know that i was born is a mark of Cain on my right
shoulder at the back...
some tissue was removed... intelligent body...
now i have excess muscle growth on collar blade arch...

to be a father, would seem like fun: it's all fun...
until you arrive at the point where the child realised
they have full: individual autonomy...
the happy to go to parents... i want to see them
as tired old people in about... oh... i'd say 10 years...
i'm patient....
not that i'm writing this nefariously...
but reality usually bites back...
what's reality going to bite me back with?
i can't go mad twice... you usually go mad once...
lucky for me that it happened in my youth, when i was 21...
now i can just sit back... watch a little:
ignore most of it...
i'm not even going to mind stating a: 'i told you so...':
shh... it's a big surprise... i don't want people missing
the great surprise...

on the market? women with three children
from three different fathers...
right... and me going to a brothel is a b'ah... bad "thing"?
even among my coworkers i tend to stick around
the women... football hooligans and their ideas
that just by being women: they can calm a crowd of rowdy
teenagers down with the words:
i'm your mother, your sister, your grandma all in one...
because i'm a steward... listen... love...
just let someone who's 6ft2 and 100kg in mass come in
and you... ******* somewhere... watch the moon
or something...

i couldn't be a surgeon if i didn't have a steady hand...
but when **** hits the fan... i already brought it up...
we're not here for an easy, wage...
we're ultimately here to prevent another Hillsborough tragrdy,
no?
that message didn't even recoil with a positive affirmation...
i stand around these female coworkers and they
might want me to feel intimidated...
someone, very much elsewhere might be reading me...
i might add... you know i felt less intimidated walking
into a brothel and waiting to choose among
7 different prostitutes who i was going
to bang for an hour? so what's this?
a ******* raspberry doughnut and a hot coffee scenario?!

am i bragging? i don't know... i tend to attract a lot
of ****** males and females just feel "hugged" around me...
i'm still thinking about Gemma...
yeah, i know that i mentioned that she was
on the defensive: she was on the defensive...
but then my parents are going on holiday for two weeks
and i'll have the whole house to myself...
last time that happened i brought back a Thai surprise
that i picked up from a park bench...
i played her some jazz on vinyl and ended up
******* her in the garden...
she gave me some memorandum items... rings... what not...
she disappeared into her size when i
put on one of my jackets on her...
******* Thai surprise became a Thai ******,
hobbit no less... walked her home... blah blah...

i need to bang Gemma... if i don't bang Gemma in
the next few months i'm done for... she's a 39 year old
single mother with an ex that brought her into 8K+ into debt...
she had a kid with him, the kid doesn't want to know his
father... i want to **** her as much as i want to teach the kid
to play the guitar... appreciate Ezra Pound...

of course i'm a loser by all modern, cosmopolitan standards
of dating... i live with my parents...
not exactly an Ed Gein scenario...
but... i do the gardening, i do the housechores,
i do the cooking, i even iron shirts... i hate ironing shirts...
but as i already mentioned...
i found an extra left hand in how to best get it over and done with...

i pay rent, i pay for food... otherwise, who would i live with?
flat share with some fellow milenials?
someone needs to inform the 60+ crowd about being
hip throughout... obviously they're not going
to listen to the music i listen to...
no: MATTA: chaos reigns... but... hey...

i love the idea of not telling my backstory...
i already know so many...
no one has yet managed to cough up the courage
to ask me anything personal at work...
would i tell them?
yeah...                once you've been in the presence
of 7 prostitutes all lined up showing off...
what's 3 female coworkers to you?!
a Victoria sponge cake, by my estimates...
something tame, something that would gladly welcome
being caged...

i like to wander the streets at night, sometimes
i come across a fox, sometimes a harem of deer without
a stag... sometimes i wander into a forest and start hitting
a tree with a branch imploring:
let me in! let me in!

chaos, regiert! die nacht regeln!

once more! einmal mehr!
English is not enough, tourists speak English...
Wankees speak this filth of a zunge!
follow the flow of history,
from the word up! anfangen!
hier! uns! jetzt! schnell!

                    vieh für ein art auf ein menschen...
das beste gehalten im linie...
  schäfer-von-menschen...
         alt.: hirte-auf-männer...
              
English has become... undermined... calmly said:
"plagiarised": that's somewhat elevated...
useless when it comes to its own affairs...
a lingua of / for visitors...
beside the accents... what is there for the origins: folk?
if Heidegger thought he was lucly writing at the time
of the National Socialist Insurgence...
where, the ****, am i?

   perhaps i speak a barbarian tongue from my...
mother's side, and my father to tow...
purity... what's that word in Deutsche?
   REINHEIT!
EINIG! GEHEN! SCHNELL!

******* linguistic  "mongol" mongrels!
ich reflekiert.... for a while..
the ungleichheit: the disparity...i almost joked...
i scribbled something in my notepad... seeing a commercial...
you know how English is spoken
is very much different to how English is written...
French: Fwench is even worse...
well then..
this one adcert stoood out...
it wasn't exactly special...
  
Licorice Pizza... that's what it red: read: reed..
right... so... first hurdle:
not thirst hurdle(s)...
ZZ? stop... you don't have the capacity to speak this...
just say **** over and over again:
Hugo Boss attired them blah blah...

liquid rice...  blacks for vinyl...
lick-or-ish...
     lick-a-Rysh?!
or an EE combat vest?!
you write one way, but speak another...
standard ******* from either the French
or the English... no phonetic clarity...
i'd better be suited learning some:
Hungarian, if i were to be terrible honest...
but now... i'm here.... this is now...
i'm enjoying the whiskey... *******... hello tomorrow.

A picture from the past
That lingers black and white
In my hollow memory
Which loves to forget loves
Hates goodbyes
Sings backwards in time
To Gemma

Sixty Seven years they were together,
until only death did part.
It is difficult for Him to deal with:
Death rends asunder human hearts.
Until this happened his mind seemed clear
in spite of his advancing years.
Then his daughter got the call
That nearly broke her grieving heart
Her Father asking for her mother’s number-
He’s lost Gemma’s number and needs to talk.
He needs to hear her voice again.
To tell her  that his love is true.
Through tears his daughter answers back;
“ I ‘d give you  the number if  I knew.”

as someone who used to fall asleep listening to Christopher Young's soundtrack for Hellrasier II: hellbound each night for almost a year... i've spiced it up a little... le chant des templiers - chant of the templars... unless it's raining... then falling asleep to the sound of rain... i sort of allowed myself to focus on something i'd best call an: agreeable veneer... each single time i try to avoid banter with colleagues: yeah, i know i sort of must but the mere thought of banter makes me feel ill... i'm not here to make friends, i'm not here to get into a relationship with someone i'm working with... well sorry... so much for a woman's excuse when dealing with football hooligans: oh but you wouldn't talk to your mother, your sister or your grandmother like that... well i'm all three of those things... yeah... sure... and like there aren't men who would *****-slap a "steward" on a ******* whim... while i have the whole 6ft2 and 100kg worth of defense... i'm not here to make friends... we used to have friends in high school, tightly knit friendships, very idiosyncratic in-group / out-group preference... i don't think i had any friends at university: perhaps one Japanese guy, Tomikuni... but by then superficiality kicked in and people were branching into hierarchies and chances of seeking out nepotism... now? again: an agreeable veneer, but deep down i'd rather speak a robotic hello how are, enjoy the match to a crowd of 200 strangers than pretend to be friendly with colleagues... even today i was *******... sure, there was a shortage of stewards, so instead of initially patrolling the crowd upon entry via the park we were spontaneously put on the turnstiles, great! an adrenaline rush... then after we finished that task we were allowed to go back to our original designation... i radioed the control room: control, control, park 3 returning to designated position... copy... the park had 6 stewards designated to patrol it... for a good 40 minutes? who was there? me! and only me... **** it... came 9:30pm and a demented Quasimodo was ringing the bells like there was no tomorrow, i sat on a bench in the graveyard, took off my right shoe and readdressed the situation of a folding sock on my sweaty foot... if these sub-Saharan pseudo-Arabs are thinking about work as: loiter... listen... they once spinned the narrative the narrative that Covid was a "racist" virus... you know how many of these copper-necks i've watched... go into the toilet... do their either no. 1 or no. 2 deed and walk out without washing their hands?! too many... that's how many... pretty much all of them... at least the blacks are actively willing to integrate... imagine if the blacks didn't integrate... would they be singing in the Baptist choirs?! would these blacks even sing, if they remained chained to their African tongues?! and? oh my god, the blacks are the cleanest, most pedantic ******* out there, they can almost compete with white neuroticisms... that's how good they are... but some of these *******... so i sat there for a while drinking too much coffee listening to the bells of All Saints' Church... footsteps: my own... the moon, almost full... alle das ist die nacht! all that is the night! the forever hardly any flow of the Thames... is the Thames a river, or a makeshift: pond?! oh sure, i'm agreeable, at face-value... what i've learned from the English is the double-edged sword psychology... being two-faced... at least a Russian might tell me outright: oi! ****! oh, no no, not among the English... polite comes first, anything else comes second and of note: with dire consequences you were never going to expect... see: flimsy ****... an agreeable veneer... i'm actually gagging for the moment of confrontation where i roll my eyes back, hide my pupil and iris and merely show my eyes as fully sclera entombed before grieving an over-hyped teen... tensing my muscles... over-sizing myself... that's yet to come... i'm currently leaving each shift slightly disappointed... not enough adrenaline... i want, more! but to hell with the current whereabouts of the action... even if i were raised a catholic.... don't protestants get confirmed? sorry, i "missed" being confirmed... i was reading some Gnostic literature... i "forgot" to get get church "approval" or, "disapproval"... whichever... do i care? my current top three tier "guys" to emulate... Jason, Michael... Pinhead... i abhor people that are satisfied with being safe... i hate weakness as much as a **** might abhor keeping to a standard of germs... i abhor, weakness... a lag in responsibility... in drives me nuts! i could almost **** for a thrill of knowing that i'm killing something; lesser... i'd be killing it by also inquiring into myself as... paradoxically being: kind... it... yeah.... oddly enough... "it"... i abhor weakness in people... which is why i am a face of an agreeable veneer...so many ******* are just weak... pencil-pushers... hierarchy-minders... the weak might have inherited the earth... but what "earth" are we speaking off? this, *******?! oh, wow! dementia prone bollocking, right, this one? i need to sleep, i need to remind myself of my romance with the night...

nights like these are so rare... i drink more than i write,
i don't actually care about writing,
sometimes i just want life to sink in...
i left the house after doing some minor chores:
preparing a mushroom soup - oh, not creamy,
none of that English cream soup *******...
clear... a dollop of cream can be added later,
the mushrooms were not blitzed up, sliced... floating...
the broth was based on extracting as much from
a carrot, a parsley root, some celery...
a leek... if only the local shop sold some celeriac...
a bay leaf, allspice, a pinch of cinnamon
some paprika... one or two cloves... fresh leaf parsley...
a mushroom and a chicken stock cube to counter
the need to salt: i still salted the broth a little...
black pepper... obviously i also had to cook some pasta
to later float in and around the mushrooms...
garlic... with its skin on... oh... about three teeth's worth...
all rounded up on a decent amount of butter:
after all... if it's a clear soup... you want some oomph!
since no protein is being used, you need to counter
that lack with some fatty lubricant...
ha... the commute... if i'm lucky an catch an express
train from Southend Victoria into central London
it takes me about 8 minutes to travel from Romford
to Stratford... then the central line to Victoria...
then the victoria line to... ****... two stops... oh...
right... to Victoria station, then the district line to Putney Bridge...
today i had to get a district line to Earl's Court
so i could catch a district line from Edgware Rd.
toward Wimbledon...
just this once i wasn't feeling it...
all afternoon i was exhausting myself while thinking
of Gemma...
******* butterflies, didn't eat anything, drank a little
whiskey... and to think: i used to love coffee with cream
or milk... now? always black... with the added dollop
of whiskey, two sugars...
i saw her again... but **** me... the butterflies weren't
there... i fall in love easily...
but i fall out of love even more easily...
reality kicks in these days... i think i have aged:
falling in love with the idea of love...
reality is bound to disappoint me...
to think that i might be with a woman - earn money...
in order to pay for unnecessary **** is... giving me a limp ****...
that women are the prime instigators of any economy:
what would a man spend money on?
whiskey? bicycles, spare parts... the odd shoe...
some socks?
capitalism is not going to survive the onslaught
of emerging bachelors... skint *******... i know:
i'm one myself... no wonder women need to be propped up...
paid more... why? they'll spend the money!
men won't spend jack-**** on... jack-****...
i still have a mother, i'll sometimes buy her flowers...
but to hell with buying a birthday card...
a kiss on the cheek and a few words...
why would i buy flowers? when i can have daffodils
randomly spurting up in my garden some February?!
am i... going to chew on vinyl: that licorice plastic?
- first time i came across Gemma she was so giddy...
flirty... and that was only on Saturday...
on the ride home she would rest her elbow on my leg...
get a headache... stare at me when i pretended
to not be looking through the side of my eyes...
i mean: for a 39 year old... most 20 year olds don't look
at pretty...
today she was so reserved... cold...
oh... right... well... thank god i had an ideal in my head
rather than what could possibly come...
a sort of scenario was playing out in my head
from the movie: As Good As It Gets...
a single mum will always put her offspring first...
regardless of whether the offspring was conceived by
an abusive alcoholic ex that beat the kid and choked her...
sure, sure, i'll allow all people to have that *******
luxury of being existentially filled by having children
they can subsequently ****-up...
me? i'm just happy when i grab the eyes and full attention
of a 4 year old girl looking at a glowing marble /
fluorescent squid that i become momentarily...
at least in their eyes... perhaps this current job i'm doing
really is a stepping stone to becoming a secondary school
chemistry teacher... oh **** me... if i got into a primary
school environment: i'd have my fun...
it's also good that i have an underground sort of mindset...
to the brothel i go: eerily 'appy oh oh...
- since Saturday after first meeting Gemma
i sort of forgot to ******* - oh, none of that only-fans
crap, scented candles, ****** or streaming...
like i once noted: on the throne of thrones...
take a **** which oddly enough is always predicated
by ******* while sitting down...
*******? i sometimes need to relax the **** muscles...
******* helps... and then a quickie in the shower...
yeah: but after our second encounter today:
with so much reservation...
it was going to be either Kendra Lust or Samantha Saint
on my mind...
why do all the pretty ones always go down
the route of ******* or prostitution?
is it the sort of mentality that beauty ought to be shared?!
i mean: **** me... an oak tree is beautiful...
it can / has to be seen by almost anyone...
is that the same with women?
- so we stood there talking *******... me...
one lesbian (if i were a Don  Juan... she could perhaps be
a nun... but a lesbian? "conquering" that?
eh... not exactly ugly... but a butch mentality...
slap some make-up on, close my eyes... most definitely
****-able) - we ended up talking about bones...
where are the smallest bones located...
i suggested the wrists... the parts of the body most
flexible... Gemma retorted... no... the smallest
bone in the body is in the ear...
now i'm going to google that... to see... ****...
she was right... the smallest bones in the body are
the: malleus (hammer), incus (anvil) and the stapes (stirrup)
and they are located in the ear...
then onto the turnstiles... oh god... the turnstiles at
Fulham are like a century ahead of the turnstiles at
Oxford... ******* Brummies... lovely folk...
almost if not more lovable than... Scousers...
GEORDIES / MANCUNIANS are not SCOTS!
   don't even get me started on those south western
***** from Bristol...
yeah... well that was great... i felt like a teenage boy for
about two days and now my honeymoon period
is over... reality bit back...
   all my dreams and fantasies crumbled...
                  whatever initial attraction she gave me...
she now was fulfilling her role,
she had a job to do... i was reduced to a status of:
less the person to initiate her, to comfort her to someone
on her plateau, hardly any "superior"...
it's nice to be sober up on this reality-juice...
it makes all the more sense to seek ideals like:
that's a bottle of whiskey that i'm calling ms. amber...
fraulein bernstein etc.
there are always the prostitutes...
it's not like i was going to play a good uncle Caesar
and profane myself with surrogacy of a child that isn't my own...
i don't have the sort of resources.

fascinating and most amusing parts of fashion week.

And as Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week kicks into gear in Sydney, it’s celebrities, all-important buyers and retailers, editors, stylists and a whole lot of self-anointed fashion bloggers who make the A-row cut.

The posturing and posing that goes on to secure a coveted front row seat at each and every one of the 47 shows can be hilarious.

No matter how high a heel you wear, how big your sunglasses are or how smartypants your designer blazer is, no-one gets seated front row if they can’t, literally, bring something to the style marketing table.

The main front row players are definitely editors. And buyers. Hands down.

But bloggers and digital media players have made their presence known over the last few years — with the better ones considered front row deities when it comes to seating.

Designer Kym Ellery snared the opening night slot of fashion week with the likes of Lindy Klim, Kyly Clarke, Margaret Zhang, Bambi Northwood Blyth and every magazine and style editor that mattered in the front row.

Model Gemma Ward attends the Tome show at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Australia 2015 sitti
(Photo:www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses)
Meanwhile, Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, marieclaire, Sunday Style and Elle are the main front row magazine players.

“The Ellery front row was an impressive mix of international guests, local fashion media and buyers and Sydney celebrities,” says Vogue Australia editor-in-chief, Edwina McCann.

“It was a well dressed crowd who turned up the following morning to the first show, Tome, looking equally well turned out and ready for business.

“Gone are the days when hangovers were in fashion!”

Yup, late nights, for real fashion workers, just aren’t in fashion.

McCann says not everything that is actually ‘on trend’ ends up in the front row.

“Flat shoes are well and truly in this season, but I didn’t see many front row,” she adds.

“At Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Australia it seems heels are absolutely always on trend.”

One of the world’s leading fashion commentators says he is genuinely knocked out by the improved calibre of dressing on this year’s front row.

Godfrey Deeny from Paris (he writes for Le Figaro) hasn’t attended the Australian event in five years but was overheard commenting that the front row looks better dressed and more sophisticated than his last visit.

As far as seating the front row, there are a solid group of public relations people working with their designer clients to put together each seating plan.

One of these people is Nikki Andrews from the NAC media group, who says seating can be a game of cat and mouse.

“It is like piecing together a big jigsaw puzzle,” says Andrews.

“Each designer has different priorities with key press and key buyers and of course celebrity still the main priorities.

“There is always a juggle on the day and of course a few extras that always insist on front row.

“But it is usually those who request front row who don’t really deserve it,” smiles Andrews.Read more here:www.marieaustralia.com/cocktail-dresses

i've recently become a big fan of the Dune movie
from 1984... two year before my birth,
i won't go into the details...
but one detail really grew on me...
the idea of making a word a weapon: somehow
telekinetically charged to release a missile /
a laser shot: whatever...
where have i heard this "line" before... hmm...
oh... right... Revelation 13...
although... the beast didn't blaspheme against
the Hebrew deity: he would most likely
make foul oaths: *******, mate, e.g.,
i swear by the powers invested in me that
i will call the name the name: ha-shem...
but i will not utter the name

   Y       H
       Æ
   W     H

thinking cap on (well... a hat i found, female,
with a pon-pon, that's my 'czapka niewitka')
the Qabbalists might refer to the above
schematic as a magic sq.
a sudoku puzzle might be considered
a "magic sq."

Æ? how did we begin, as sexless creatures...
self-reproducing,
   of the Adam and the Eva of the union...
that's how i see it... but i will not utter the name...
even if i uttered it, i wouldn't utter it like
Hindus of the Raj insert surd H's into their
words... dhal... e.g. you don't hark
you don't trill the R... you language is a *******
babble...

like the French like the English:
the people who have lost the clarity of phonetic
distinction, they were already sleeping together
given tongues concerned...
i'm the ******* barbarian who can speak...

ha... that thing with orcs... that meme...
they're supposed to represent black people...
you sure? i always thought of the Orcs as somewhat
Slavic, if not Slavic then mingling with the Turks
and the Mongols... only now... just now...
have the Africans started migrating...
all those years prior, sitting on their ***** in
the sunshine of the equator...
but the Slavs: the Russian menace?
the knocking on the door of Europe by the Mongols
and the Ottoman Turks?!
Caucasian folk... most of the time i think that
Africans are docile creatures...
esp. up North during the winter months...

you really have to get used to the cold:
to build up an acute sense of something...
in the warmth: no wonder the former great civilisations
are now ****-holes...
you can do so much more in the warmth...
check your ******* privilege...
up north, when winter comes...
good luck with staging intellectual discussions...
good luck painting, writing...
sure... the desert can also **** you...
but there's a slight difference between
being cold and being hot...
ask the insects... where the **** are they?
oh... hibernating, returning to their embryotic strategy:
waiting it out...

right... Orcs depict black people... huh?!
ah ha ha ha ha!
deluded western liberals...
  i don't even know what that word means...
even if i prefix it with: classically liberal...
what the ****'s that?!
i don't literally know, i always thought myself
as liberty first: liberty thirst...
i don't even know...

those lines from Revelation 13 though and Dune...
the weapons they used... they used words
channeled psychically into a weapon and: whoosh!
a blast!

Revelation 13: 5 through to 7

5
the beast was given a mouth to utter proud words
and blasphemies and to exercise his
authority for forty-two months.
6
he opened his mouth to blaspheme god,
and to slander his name and his dwelling
place and those who live in heaven.
7
he was given power to make war against
the saints and to conquer them.
and he was given authority over every tribe,
people, language and nation.

does anyone even know how many people of
this world currently reside in London?
my last estimate read at counting over 200+ tongues...

i just told you that i am celebrating the name
of the god of Abraham - i will not utter it...
i'll say ***** little ****-wit ******* but
i will not utter that name,
or for that matter all the names bound to the tree
of life...

it seems like fair reparations for the Hebrews being
expelled from Europe in the manner they were
expelled... someone (like me) comes along
and has the nerve, the senses the intellect
to appreciate the Hebrew teachings...
oh look... it phonetically coincides with "something":
this "something" being akin to the name of
the Hebrew deity...

because what have the replacement "Jews" brought?
funny... Malta is an ultra-catholic nation...
island... yet their language is a bit ****** up...
they call gott: allah... true... check it out...

i mean: since the 19th century! there has been an identity
crisis, if not beginning with Nietzsche,
then unto not...
i could possibly pull of looking like
the depiction by Luca Signorelli...
if i grew my hair long once more... eh...
long hair... too much hassle... plus donning a beard
and having long hair is not befitting a man these days...
long hair + a beard = no, no... no no... a bigger NO-NO...

because there's a horde of people who "think"...
whatever it is that they "think"...
beside the cosmopolitan messiah's preaching...
expulsion of the Hebrews from their land,
the exodus up north summated by a genocide...
it's not even like the Hebrew constructed the barracks
and the chimneys of the crematoriums,
or the ghostly gas chambers...
so... where are the supposed pyramids of the north?!
nowhere to be found...

good enough that while i write this i have auditory
hallucinations: that i speak two tongues...
one tongue silences the other tongue....
i hear LOSER... that word gets lost, somewhere:
"somewhere" in my labyrinth...
i'm yet to find a psychiatrist that might
talk to a bilingual schizophrenic: supposed "schizophrenic":
the entire world is more mad than me...
i'm pretty tame by comparison:
i'm about to make some pork schnitzels, poach young
tatties and make a miseria (a cucumber salad)...
some asparagus on the side if anyone might be gagging...

that the people kept crying wolf...
wolf and wolf did come...

oh Gemma, Gemma, Gemma... can i call you mother Gomorrah?
i'm not even thinking about ******* her...
i am thinking about ******* her, but...
like the ancient Roman tradition of surrogate fatherhood...
i'm actually thinking about her 11 year old son...
that's how things we done in the past...

because how is passing on my genes
important when... those same genes get halved
in their immediacy, a half becomes a quarter,
a quarter becomes an eighth... an eighth a sixteenth:
so and so ad nauseam...
but passing on an idea...        mein gott!
it's like gambling with your own body's
disqualifications to reproduce properly...
to breed Spartans... perhaps not even so much
as to breed... pickling-intellects of Athens...
something... in-between...

              imagine that, working on a little Frankenstein:
sure... not my own... all the better...
the woman is always a side-"thing"...
i'm curious about the child...
maybe that's what makes single mothers so attractive...
there's a chance i can mould a child
in my own image...
you know, dear reader, where this is going:
and god made man in his own image...

that's what making me so butterfly-riddled in
the stomach... the fact that she's 39 and still attractive
is one thing... i took note when she took note
that at Oxford two younglings... 18? petite blondes
took interest in me... she had to double down...
well... that's certainly bragging:
i'm bragging that i'm observant...
sure... you can have the Lamborghini and the yacht...
i'm pretty content with my lungs,
my eyes, my arms and my legs...

i nawet krucjaty dotarły do mojej ziemi!
a więc sam czas dotarł do mnie: aby mnie obudzić...

people have taken the matter oh too lightly...
Hey-Zeus knows... if i might just tease him a little....
he might just come round a second time...
the wandering stars are proof...
i believe this might be translated as:
searching for a host...

                   i'm currently working with a... wow...
a Latvian... better learn some Latvian...

SVEIKI DRAUGS (hello friend)...
    KAA IR JUUSU DIENA (DZIEŃ)
aha... dzusu or yusu?!

sorted... it's unavoidable to merely ask about
so many coincides coming together,
the great fire of London come 1666...
come on... if anything is to be more blatantly obvious...
it's this, it's this: now... diese: jetzt!

i mean: i could be considered an egoist,
a solipsist... but then again: i share my head
with a quadratic, two tongues and hallucinations
(auditory) in two tongues, towing shrapnel of
Latin and Hebrew... mostly presuppositions
and conjunctions of the latter two tongues...
i once owned a cat, kid you not,
that between meows and other onomatopoeias
spoke to me the word: JABEŁ:
in english the translation would read
as y'ah'b'eh'w... the "stand-alone" W doesn't
have to be a "double-u": it can be a dive into
a simple word like W'hen... or W'heather...
you just don't say the word, just stress the first sound
about to be made...

too many coincides have come together to be called
coincidences...
oh Gemma... why am i thinking about Frankie?
i see them at football matches,
Leeds fans... some drunken dad going mental
over a football match... the young boy he has with him
sort of feels embarrassed...
i yawn... because: it's a football match...
i'll enjoy the game... but: support a team?
you'll sooner find me dead than in a football jearsey...

because: like i ******* care...
i care that i'm not reading Locke and instead decided
to take up the German Idealism route of
sorting boxes from rocks... mountains from seas...
that's me!

Orcs are a depiction of black people... ha ha...
what was the last place that Africans invaded?!
Rwanda was close... having invaded themselves...
that's how the Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth
was dismantled... the elites of said: entity
became sado-masochists and wanted to hurt themselves...
it's always the same:
and their own do it unto their own because...
they're just "out of it"...
some people just want to see the world burn
around them...
                                 they are psychopaths, sociopaths...
whatever you want to diagnose them with:
basically cowards... cucks...

they experienced too much of life to know what
merely existing implies:
deriving pleasure from merely thinking is a good start...
but, no...
that's not on the table...
like yesterday... a trip up to Oxford became revelatory...
i had a quasi-Ramadam teaser...
i didn't eat anything from sunrise to sunset...
sure, i had a coffee and a cigarette... but no food...
after sunset i tried to turkey-feed myself
some vegetarian wraps...
can you imagine how painful it was to ingest anything?

to hell with a ritualistic month...
i'll do a Ramadam on the sly, impromptu...
i figured... well at least being hungry allows me
to focus on other things...
being filled, being nourished might leave me sloppy
when observing people for potential danger;
so i do that.

Fitz
Fritz
Fido
Sandy
Spencer
Chaplain
Bernard
Jesse
Snoopy
Charlie
Charles
Fred
Freddy
Bones
Remmy
Ren­a
Reno
Tony
Julian
Julie
Frisco
Meghan
Addison
Robby
Buddy
Rudy
F­riedrich
Fredrick
Bernie
Rudolph
Adolf
Ferdinand
Rose
Cassie
Cassidy
Lee
Balto
Little *****
Allen
Alvin
Jake
Demi
Randy
Alex
Richard
Alexis
Kenneth
Ken­ny
Chris
Jose
Josey
Rodger
Moe
Joe
Emilio
Walt
Emily
Emma
Maddie
­Anna
Jafar
Aladin
Jasmine
Genie
******
Amber
Gracie
Ramen
Gordy
G­ordon
Jordie
James
Bucky
Huff
Manny
Sam
Samantha
Mary
Marie
Tila
­Rita
Cathy
Tammy
Mickey
Cam
Amelia
Rene
Jeb
Dan
Bagel
Tommy
Donut­
Bubbles
Blossom
Buttercup
Mark
Cody
Andy
Cristo
Andrea
Whiskers
­Mike
Bill
Billy
George
Geo
Joy
Mitch
Trigger
Tigger
Stephen
Archi­medes
Anya
Duncan
Nitro
Crash
Bub
Crystal
Egor
Bernadette
Cammy
T­immy
Antonio
Natasha
Natalia
Ivan
Abbey
Abdul
Carly
Aaron
Omega
F­inn
Nina
Debby
Tomato
Tabby
Artie
Archie
Noah
Kyle
Alfie
Alfred
Conrad
Conner
******
G­unner
Fry
Fries
*******
Constance
Connie
Frank
Fran
Candice
D­andy
Lucy
Lou
Louis
Quincy
Doogle
Dubie
Dakota
Ace
Casey
Barry
Te­rry
Trenton
Gabe
Laurie
Cornelius
Kabob
Sky
Skylar
Rufus
Louie
Ba­rton
Kimmy
Angel
Capri
Basil
Cy
Ruby
Emerald
Eleanea
Elenor
Barth­olomew
Jazz
Dreamer
Thunder
Topaz
Amethyst
Salsa
Meril
Dodo
Toto
­Eric
Barbera
Hannah
Katie
Zoey
Ben
Pinto
Squanto
Columbus
Columbo
Porgy
Bess
Clark
Savannah
Ken­dra
Marco
Leise
Toby
Trevor
Tresten
Treven
Adrienne
Caleb
Carlyn
­Ricky
Gibby
Donny
Han
Solo
Hans
Gabby
Dirk
Spot
Sebastian
Dee
Sco­oby Doo
Shaggy
Polly
Reginald
Burger
Steak Sauce
Ethan
Bradberry
Lucky
Fergie
Cheese
Boxer
Napoleon
Snowball­
Gerald
Jeremy
Benji
Gemma
Pal
Mal
Preston
Jack
Jackson
Molly
Mac­kenzie
Alexie
Alicia
Dora
Olivia
Salvador
Beast
Beauty
Oliver
Dal­e
Rim
Marley
Diego
*****
Bobby
Ralston
Zeke
Rooney
Plato
Cole
Nep­tune
Sailor
Frida
Rico
Dali
Veronica
Victor
Copeland
Swift
Riley
­Tubs
Lassie
Yo-yo
Harvey
Lemonade
Coke
Pepsi
Tanya
Camille
Token
­Laser
Beam
Seamus
Dorthy
Ian
Moby

igloo:
me-glue,
# @ ~sick ice     seems like bypassing the 502 bad gateway is getting trickier and trickier... no problem: where there's a will, there's a way (however cliche that sounds)...

i still can't believe that i've managed to study myself
ergonomically - i'm like: wow...
i have literally perfected the art of ironing shirts...
i used to hate ironing, now i get a little tipsy
and i'm like: shoom! the iron sort of glides of its
own accord... first the collar,
then the yoke, then the cuffs, then the sleeves...
then the front without buttons, then the front with
buttons, then the back... bam wham: thank you ma'am!
it is truly sinister that my modus operandi
is stressed with the infamous: arbeit mach frei...
i know it, everyone else should also know it...
but under the banner people were given
pointless tasks... concentrations camps made a joke
of work while beneath the "veneer" they were simply
utilised to slaughter people...
but even doing menial work: chores is releaving
as a release... i can automate my body...
i don't have to watch t.v. (or Plato's cave)
or for that matter fall into the Cartesian cognitive
"insomnia": am i really a "thinking" thing?
sure, i once had this pristine narrative in my head...
now i just comes across shrapnel pieces
of "narrative": mostly just... oh, right, i...

my to be father-in-law... the ****** that messed up
my guitar.... my acoustic Martin & Co.:
she was a stunner... anyway...
he called me a charmer...
   i like him... i was truly fond of him... up to a point...
later... well that diabetic fat **** get eat his
pudding while i spray dust into the atmosphere...
again: what is wrong with me?
oh Gemma, Gemma, Gemma...
a single mum, a boy in the background,
9K in debt... and i'm flirting with her...
as subtle to the best of my abilities...
what, is wrong, with me?!
perhaps i've had too many roller-coaster rides
of thrills in the ******* brothel...
but she's petite and that special hue of ginger...
might as well lodge a ***** onto my forehead...

point being...
apparently women still listen to astrological
demands... like there were any to begin with...
zodiac signs...
zodiac signs "tell the truth"... next time i work with
her i'll ask... if she's a Libra: no...
if she's an Aquarius... no... if she's a Cancer: YES!
if she's a Gemini: no...
                     i am yet to meet a Leo...
if she's a Sagittarius, YES...
                             being a Taurus etc.

but if women are so concerned with these matters
i figured... beside the showcasing of history...
construction of the pyramids,
the Mongol sacking of Moscow,
the ****** sacking of Moscow...
the burning of the great library of Alexandria
by the Christian in-breeders...
whatever the hell happened with the Mongols in
Baghdad...
the defeat of the Mongols
at the hands of the Mamluks...
the battle of Lepanto
that gave us Don Quixote...
      the twilight of the Aztecs...
             how ancient Greeks became rigid
Byzantines... etc.

o.k. so that's a sample of history...
me? well if i'd really want to experience everything /
understand everything or anything through
the lense of Darwinism... i could, but... no...
i can't be bothered going that far back...
Jung's ideas were always more concise
for me and the lived experience...
English thinking is not for me,
whether it be Darwin or whether it be Hobbes or Locke...

sure... the Englishmen can sing...
Milton... Shakespeare... but please don't give me any
English ideas... they run on objectivism for
the most part and i don't deal with
objective language... with "fact checking"...
i need language to be nuanced...

history through the lens of etymology:
the origin of words...
or, rather... to live in accordance to the meaning
of one's name...
Matthew: gift of god (from the Hebrew Matisyahu)
Conrad: wise counsel (Germanic)...
this ******-all of the question that's:
what's the meaning of life...
well, live... and find out along the way...
but primarily... live up to your name's meaning...
not everyone can live up to the meaning
behind the name akin to Alexander
or Xerxes...

                        i'm literally surprised that there might
have been a Peaches Geldof...
but not a Gomorrah Smith...
          fitting to the times... but even i'm not immune...
pronoun-bollocking and all that
reincarnation pillage of a blocked toilet...

i'm going to pursue charming her...
even though: it's certainly not good for me...
why? oh, you know... the thrill...
and the disillusionment that comes with it...
even though i have a phallus and a pair of *****
between my legs i need to feed into the tingling
sensation that i have a ******,
or that she's thinking about me while i'm thinking
about her and she might be *******...

as weird as that might sound: at least when growing up:
when a grew his hair long he was most likely
into metal / rock music... it would never *******
stick / translate as taking up a transgender
offensive!

what the hell happened to metaphysics in western culture?
i'm starting to doubt whether it ever existed
in the first place, then again; if a language
has no study of orthography... Charlie, ****-squat-ens...
perhaps in the 19th century you could
elevate calling a spelling mistake an orthographic
mistake... no! that's not how orthography works...
for orthography you require diacritical marks!
English doesn't have any!
little and litle is hardly an orthographic mistake:
it's just a spelling mistake:
English is almost a phonetic arithmetic...

    let me show you how an orthography looks like:
gówno     & not guwno... i.e. ****...
chudy - thin (masculine) chuda (feminine)
    that's CH as X - i.e. ha...
but then the oddity of a X without a C...
heroizm - heroism...

maybe that's why i never heard of anyone with
dyslexia in Poland... i've heard of a bad orthographical
aesthetic but never about someone with
dyslexia... after all: dyslexia isn't a complete and utter
illiteracy... it's the end result of the language
being written one way, while spoken another...
because if you were to write English as it's spoken...
well... it wouldn't be aesthetically pleasing to the eye,
would it?

the supposed argument "against" ******,
i.e. "there are too many consonants jumbled together"...
if you know how to divide a word
into prescribed sounds that correlate to the letters....
akin to the English SH and CH
     it is a language gifted with the trait of:
written as it is spoken.

coming back to Gemma... i'm about to launch a full-on
charm offensive, only yesterday i sent her a link
to what i was listening to (with a photograph of my perched
on the windowsill with Quorus - the maine **** -
sitting with me) - the prophecy theme from Dune
by Brian Eno...
she's looking for meditative music... well then...
i'll give her meditative music, medieval music...
i'm going to charm the pants off of her...
i know she's a single mum... i know that there are too
many pitfalls...
                              but i can't get rid of the butterflies in
my stomach when i think about her....
i might as well shoot myself in the foot...
no matter... this was going to happen, anyway,
i'm a fatalist after all: i know i will come off disappointed,
hurt should i fail or for that matter: not have any success...

but i like the way she smiles like a matriarch...
what links will i send her?
well... the obvious... chants of the Templars...
some Jordi Savall - stella splendens in monte,
    laudemus virginem mater est...
hammock's ketonic album...
godspeed you! black emperor's - F# A# ∞

oh for ****'s sake, why am i in love?!
   why now, why with her...
                 i've seen what love does to me...
it's hardly pretty... but i have in me the sort of
"thinking" process best associated with
creatures at the lowest point of an existential
hierarchy... after all: even tapeworms and viruses
are charged with a will to preserve their
existence without question...
     it might be morally apprehensible to want to sleep
with her given the fact that i might
**** up her boy a little bit more...
then again: what am i? i don't have the sort of income
that might pay off the debt her ex left her with...

at the end of the day: it's what i feel that is more important
than who i know or, for that matter: what i know...
i need to feel this... i need to feel more of this!

Her hair, beautiful.
Eyes sparkling, lips smiling.
I love this woman.

Mr Parsons made it sound exciting.
But mum told Joan that she was wicked.

She wasn’t allowed her dolls for a week,
a week she spent bemused and resentful
and she refused to poo for three days
until mum relented and gave her Barbie back
– but the rest would have to wait.

It had begun with Mr Parsons at Sunday School
with the story of the blind man and the mud and the spit.

We’d sat on the adult chairs in a circle
Me, Joan, Gemma, Charlie, and the Brown sisters.
knee to knee in a circle in the corner of the hall,
the one with the draft and the stacked chairs reminding us
that we were the remnant of a once thriving community.

He told us how Jesus made a paste of mud and spit
[Charlie thought this hilarious and spat at Gemma,
so he had to stand with his nose on the wall for the rest of the lesson]
and how Jesus slathered it on the man’s eyes and then told him
(unnecessarily we thought) to go wash it off.

It hadn’t worked first time – was that a first for Jesus? we speculated
and the second time the bloke saw people again
but he was told to keep it secret, which made no sense.

So that afternoon, after dinner, Joan got mud from the garden,
and pasted it onto Barbie’s legs which were abnormally long and made her topple over
and on my action man’s face on account of his ****** scar
which I thought looked cool, but was curious to see what happened.
She pasted it on Ken and Sindy too, but not for any specific ailment.

She followed the prescribed method, slather, wash and then repeat
(which I think she enjoyed a little too much to be honest)
but after the second wash there was no sign of any healing,
perhaps because, like mum said, she was so wicked,
unlike Jesus of course.

I’d never seen mum go that colour – she was livid,
she told Joan to go wash the mud stains off her hands
and to put her dress in the wash.
Joan couldn’t be Jesus and it was wrong to think she could.
That sort of thing wasn’t for little girls.

The next Sunday Mr Parsons seemed a little miffed.
He and dad and mum sat in the hall, knee to knee for ages.
I thought we were for the high jump,
but afterwards mum looked like a school girl caught stepping out of line.

Mum was very quiet and at dinner dad said that she had something to say
- to our horror, she apologised in front of all of us
and she told Joan it was okay to try and do what Jesus did.
It was what he would have wanted.

We were so ashamed for my mum
- neither of us tried to be Jesus ever again.

Audrey, look out the window and see your dreams.
Brydie, lay on the carpet and think of home.
Charlie, stand in the garden and let the rain wash the pain away.
Danielle, shout at the skies for this awful weather.
Ellen, smile as you see a rainbow in the distance.
Fiona, stick out your tongue to soften their fall.
Gemma, pretend there's nothing falling from the sky.
Hannah, dance in the rain in that favourite dress of yours.
Imogen, jump into puddles, one after the other.
Jade, wave to the people going past in their cars.
Keri, open your hands to cup the cold water.
Laura, laugh as the neighbour's umbrella turns inside out.
Molly, hope the grass is better for football tomorrow.
Natasha, sigh as you drive through it all.
Olivia, read a book by the nice warm fire.
Paige, sleep through the hammering of the droplets.
Queenie, scream as you dash through the storm.
Rhianne, fall back onto that squishy armchair inside.
Steph, pray for the sun to come out soon.
Tuula, watch the leaves huddle against the kerb.
Una, listen as they patter patter on the rooftop.
Victoria, take off those sodden shoes.
Whitney, snap another photograph or two.
Xandra, run to get back home to your family.
Yasmeen, follow the trail of the water on the window.
Zara, give up waiting for the rain to stop.

On the sixth day of the month,
Being the fifth one of the year,
We congregate to celebrate
The wedding of the year.

Not a week too late (that was Wills and Kate)
But our own dear Phil and Gemma,
Who, in ceremony, have duly vowed
To be as one forever.

But the two of you may be asking,
On this happiest of days,
"How do we keep romance alive?
O tell us of the ways!"

Well, the secrets of a happy marriage,
They are a secret still.
But these few tips may bring success,
So heed them if you will.

If you fall out in bitter temper
Don't  go to bed at night.
It will be far worse come morning,
So just stay up and fight.

A man should keep romance in bloom
With flowers and gifts that gleam,
And also, most importantly,
Keep his internet history clean.

A woman should pay attention
To those little things that matter,
Like vacuuming and ironing,
And when football's on, don't chatter!

And if your husband's eye might stray
Upon a lady passing by,
Why, 'tis only to remind him
That you're much fairer to the eye.

So it is said by those that know,
With certainty undiminished,
That two in love are incomplete,
Until, in marriage, they are finished.

Two months post break up
you finally admit,
“I’ve never seen you as happy
as you were with him.”

What you didn’t know
is that was everything I both needed
but didn’t want to hear,
so on came the tears.

Addison decided to take the long way home, through the forest. She ran into Xia punching a tree in anger. She saw Addison. She turned to her. “Stay away from me you ******!”, Xia said as she stepped back. “Oh, do I scare you?”, Addison said in a smug voice. “You don’t scare me!”, Xia said, straightening her posture. “Oh ok.”, Addison said in a sarcastic tone. “I bet I'm way more powerful than you! My magic element is one of the strongest ones there is.”, Xia said proudly. “And what is that, the element of insecurities?”, Addison said. “That's it, newbie! I challenge you to a battle! No wands. Just our own magic.”, Xia shouted. “Why would I waste my energy on you?”, Addison replied. “Oh, looks like somebody’s scared”, Xia snarked. “Fine. Only to shut you up.”, Addison said.

They walked to the restored training course. Addison dropped her wand and Xia did too. Xia shot a fireball towards Addison. Addison dodged it with ease. “Fainfol Istium!”, she said. “What’s that suppo-”, Xia started before she fell to the ground. “Somebody needs a nap.”, Addison said. She put her bag on her shoulder and started walking home.

When she opened the door, Gemma squeezed her. “How was your day? Was it ok? Did you make friends? What did you do? Did you learn anything new? Did you get in trouble?”, Gemma said quickly. “C-cant...b-breathe”, Addison said between gasps for air.  “Oh. Sorry, sorry”, Gemma apologized. Addison coughed then took a deep breath. “My day was actually not that bad. But I'm going to my room to take an eternal nap.”, Addison said as she wobbled up the stairs.

i was pretty sure there was no album they (the red hot chilli peppers) released between Californication and By the Way... but i stumbled upon something curious today upon waking... oh... i do know that they released a single in between the two albums... or was it after By the Way? Fortune Faded... well... i just found the Fortune Faded album: 1. starlight 2. save the population 3. fortune faded 4. bicycle song 5. runaway 6. leverage of space 7. rolling sly stone 8. brandy (you're a fine girl) 9. 50fifty 10. mini epic (**** for your country) 11. black cross 12. i feel love 13. flea's trumpet treated by john 14. tuesday night in Berlin...

again: this terrifying heat: best leave watering the garden
till after 10pm...
a b.b.q. dinner: black kiшka with onions...
what's a black kiшka? a cross between black pudding
and Haggis...
                         "cultural appropriation":
i wonder who borrowed from who...
                        well... it's not a ******* sombrero so:
i'm taking bets on the roulette...
             this weather only allows cycling after 8pm...
last time a car pulled up to me and a guy
hollered out of the window: there are your lights?
what lights? exactly... and drove off...
******... prior to that a woman screamed out of
the window and started driving off...
i caught up with her and screamed back:
******* *****... showed her the finger and disappeared...
fair enough... i'm riding in hours nearing
the kingdom of nocturnal creatures...
i fixed a back light today... there, better, *******?!
no... not good enough...

i have this one particular route... it takes me about
one and a half hours...
i call it: el clásico... why? i used to take it almost
every day after school after i turned 16...
there was this one summer... a magical summer...

it was a summer where i would usually visit my
grandparents...
mainly my grandfather: we'd go fishing...
we'd go cycling...
he would introduce me to his friend who also liked
to cycle for long period of time...
all retired people... and we'd cycle
via Bałtów: picking up goat's milk from this old
lady in a proper out of the way ****-hole of
a place to live...
             anyway... that summer back in 2002
i had a plan... i was growing my hair long:
in school there were jokes: Chewbacca... blah blah...
why don't you grow your hair into a mullet?
ha ha...                    ha ha... it wouldn't look good
on someone as fat as i was...
i finished my G.C.S.Es as a a chubby chub...
   after the summer... i came back weighing in
105kg... coming back to 85kg...
  
                     wow... how the dynamic changed...
a new girl from Australia started eyeing me up
as we started our A-levels... i suddenly became
visible...                    but? i still remained myself:
i was playing cards with the guys...
  perhaps the nerdy guys i used to hang around
swapping Pokemon cards with ended...
that time this girl in English class started flashing
her legs in English class: thighs... the thighs of Gemma...
she was intending to flash them at the guy next
to me in the bench... he got off with
running to the toilet for a quick ****...
while i looked and was immediately scorned...
"told off"... pervert...
   it's like a match-make made in heaven of Islam...
the girls don NIQABS and the boys don sunglasses...

how i was told off...
until another Gemma from Thailand told the
other Gemma (Laporte) to cool off...
stop flashing... but... hey WHITEWHITEWHITE...
magical summer...
   i lost the weight... the sun allowed my hair
to grow long enough to grow long enough
to be able to give me a French braid...
like that one donned by Johnny Depp in
Chocolate...

                           realisation period... now i was
changing the dynamic of worth...
       i started bringing weirder and weirder fruit
for lunch... pomegranates... passion fruits...
kiwis... well... kiwis are not that weird...
                             i was still playing cards with the boys...
the sudden spike in the girl's interest
in me i sort of ignored... i was ignored prior...
focused on education and education it was...
but i was already spotting all the examples
of the ancient fable of high school sweethearts...

obviously after university some people thought
they were born in a small town in a small world
in a snail world...
   they had to move: London's not enough...
New York over here... South America over there...
try being born in ostrowiec świętokrzyski:
now i'm the king rat of London...
                   on a bicycle at least...
i don't need to move...

come on... it's not like i came on a banana boat
from "x"... but it's not like i'm a mr. smarty
from Warsaw: from one capital to another capital...

i don't like writing about this...
after all... i wasn't too "bad boy" enough:
oh i get it... i sometimes lend myself to "the narrative":
i'm being sold a narrative of Darwinism that:
apparently doesn't play out in reality...
my deficiencies? i drink... but i self-imposed that...
on myself... survival of the fittest?
i'm 6ft2... 100kg... chances of me "catching" cancer
are slim... i have 20-20 vision...
   i blast music on full volume on headphones
sometimes on hours on end... but i can still
hear an electric car creeping up on me when cycling...
i have basic morals...
    
     it's not that i think that i'm the perfect catch...
god's gift to women...
i just think that the prescribed narrative of Darwinism
for man is a load of *******...
survival of the mediocre... cattle...

i'm using the sort of objective language that's
expected of me...
             this is what Darwinism provided:
there are no rules in place:
when there was once humanism there's now only
some version of animalism...
we lent out attention to make the world
coherent by employing animals to explain
our... disgruntlements...
    our objections... me? i'm trying to find the man in
man: ontology...
rather than finding a man in animal...
i find finding the man in animal: slightly boorish...
perhaps even boring...
but we borrowed from too many animals
in order to clarify how we are to behave...

this is exclusive to the English-speaking world...
in that case? i'm a ******* BEAR...
i'm a "loner": are bears, "LOSERS"
because they are loners?!
                           i'm a bear: you ******* chimp!
how's that? who would win a ruffle-and-tuffle
between a gorilla and a bear?
am i even asking this question?
                    
медведь (niedzwiedz) vs. горилла (goryl):
exactly... what's дь? dź...
                     and дъ?           dż....
                              soft via acute
          hard via the otherwise hiding caron...
swapped from RZ between R and Z
or with the case of coupling D and Z...
well: "who knows"...

                        the Copernican revolution made
sense... but the revolution the morphing
of Darwinism: man looking into a telescope
while at the same time looking up into the "telescope"
of an ape's ****...  is another matter...

never mind... i had this route...
   a surfer's body...
   and hair to prove it...
                 we ****** off elsewhere after high school...
i was the only one that went as far as Scotland...
the "king's route": after all... didn't
William gain an education in St. Andrews?
i was in Edinburgh... dangling like a spider
atop Cow's Gate...
                          this could: just work...

but what is "the" el clásico?
a route i used to take after school almost every day
after having lost all that weight...
this was a different variation...
an extended 'un...

starting from Collier Row...

1. up the B175
2. down B 1459...
3. Collier Row Road
4. onto the B174...
5. onto the A1172...
6. New N Rd toward Hainualt St.
7. A123
8. at the Fairlop roundabout staying
   on the A123...
9. coming to the A12 on the Gants Hill
keeping to the A123
10. gearing up to Winston Way...
11. the A1083 roundabout...
12. straight onto the A118...
13. it's still the A118 Seven Kings... switches names
from High Road to... London Road
(cycling in reverse... London Road would be known
as Romford Road)
14. at the roundabout take the A125...
15. turn into Exchange Street...
16. via Western Road onto Eastern Road
17. stop at the headlights...
       18.  cross the A1251 like a pedestrian
onto Carlton Road...
19. cycle up to Gidea Park station:
     20. Balroges Lane
  21. Station Road..
   22. then unto Upper Brentwood Rd.
23. until "returning" unto the Main Rd.
              the A118...
24. the onto Pettits Lane..
25. crossing the A12... onto Pettits Lane N.
26. at the roundabout onto the B175...
   then into Wallace Way...
then into a service road... then... home...

the "incident" happened at point 9. on the A123...
at high street Ilford...
my god... how much it has changed...
little ******* Bombay...
it used to be a predominantly Jewish...
but now? the whole world settled here: it would
seem... one Turkish restaurant one Indian
restaurant after another... fair enough:
i still don't have my headlight on...
because a road-bike is not made for noctruanal
musing... Nietzsche might have envisioned
walking to be the catalyst for inviting thought:
i tend to keep to cycling to wake up
my sleeping-mind...
i remember this one motorist slowing down
to "excuse me from giving excuses"
for not having tail-lights: yeah... thanks "dad"...
but this old man was trying to do
something unimaginable in terms of English traffic
laws: he was trying to prove a point by:
jail-walking...
he just stood there astounded and exclaimed:
where are your lights? i cycled past him
and pointed at my rear:
what the **** is this? look! that's at least
one half of the lights necessary,
so? *******!

   that's the first time i became insolent to an elder...
why? no one else in makeshift Bombay seemed
to care...
there's a billion of them: a billion more
will come...
         you don't make critique of me while
i cycle: i turn into a Hydra...
one the adrenaline kicks in... i become a notorious
*******...
i pointed it out to him:
perhaps he had good intentions...
perhaps... citizen-policeman my ***...
if i had enough time i would have suggested:
so... is the Redbridge Council...
saving money... on not turning on the street-lights
at the appropriate time?
then again: would you?!
could you make the same **** comments
concerning those Deliveroo electric cycle couriers
who don't bother?!
just because i'm white i'm supposed
to keep / meet high standards?!
*******: old man...
      
you will pass making this sort of comment
because "someone" is Indian... while
i get the brunt of your "civic duty" because
i'm white? to hell with that sort of *******!
you may be old: but you should understand
someone telling you to ******* like someone
telling a baby to *******...
because you can mouth off your fellow
European: like a diseased creature of defeat
when it comes to your fellow...
but: cower: before the altar of ******* HINDUSTAN!

i am a monster! people tend to create those...
isolated instances of insolence...
i can't give two-***** two care
whether English girls get ***** by Pakistani
gangs in Rotherham...
i can't... i told a man to get off my case...

you may: criticise me when walking... kneeling...
sleeping...
but this old man just chose to be iritated
by something already hanging...
too late to correct? me?

there's a fury in my thought as much as there's
a wind to couple it with!
but... you wouldn't dare...
to make this suggestive-correction
for some Hindustani "******* compatriot":
some ******* Sikh baron?!
white man easy access to white man...
THANK **** I'M NOT ENGLISH
AND THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY POST-COLONIAL
GUILT TRIPPING TO WAIT FOR ME...

me? i'm in CAMP ****... **** it...
go all out... this makes absolutely no ******* sense...
but this old man: did he think old age would
save him, from me turning around and telling
him to *******? did he?
he wouldn't have attached so much
concern for "traffic": cross the, ******* road:
at the allocated segments... your ******* prune...

oh but i love the anger: it's invigorating...
it's no longer angry white man...
it's the angry anonymous cyclist...
   but it's forever the ******* desperate black man...
anger *** desperation...
what a cocktail!
        borrow from the Darwinism... ha ha...
not by the focus of what's man's "plan"...
              
WHITE VS. WHITE...
of course he wouldn't have commented on some
deliveroo courier cycling on an electric bicycle without
lights... i had the rear covered...
but no! white on white "guilt" implies:
i'm the one who's to keep standards:
no one else is... why, should, i?
i can be nice to old men... drink a beer...
chat with them on a bench... about their grandchildren
and their pets... not... NOT... when i'm cycling...
you try taming a monster...
you tell me i'm a ****** cyclist...
   the end...

                      my sclera and my iris disappears...
i literally turn blind with rage...
at a time: begging for the borough of Redbridge
to turn on the: ******* street-lamps...
no... 9pm not good...
       this old man should have shut his:
******* mouth...
now i feel sorry that he had to hear:
******* from me...
                 i shouldn't speak to elders like so...
but if one: ******* akin to him
had the ***** to tell one white boy:
to keep his headlights up-kept... while ignoring
all the Hindu-*******-stan "couriers"
the "pass"? for fear of racism...
              *******... old, man...
no no... you should have been crossing
the road at the designated place...

ENOUGH! OF THIS POST-COLONIAL ENGLISH
ANTI-RACIST CLOWNING!
you have your little, *******, inter-racial escapades...
your little inter-*** trans-gender fetishes...
sooner will the Russian invade the Ukrainian
than see this ******* be sieved to the top!
no! niet! nie!

if i were adorning a darker skin tone...
if i wasn't a my usually "self" copper-neck of suntail
imprint... would this elder: pseudo-elter
make such a remark?
          oi! bruh! where'z your simmer framez?!
Cannes the walk but Cannes the: ******* talkz?!

for a minute i thought he cared... a minute later
i realised: citizen-policeman...
citizen-;policemen belong in the crowd of
*****... cultivating ulterior tactics of submission...

i didn't just exchange a ******* too with
my grandfather... my grandfather would have said:
cycle on... this petty ******...
i'm exploring my hands...extending my fingers
in a way that will not allow a handshake...
first: purses... and fists clenched...
"hello"...

why is it an "el clásico"?
the distance takes under two hours...
adding the wind? and after having eaten a dinner?
not bad...
no... though: no...
this "white guilt" *******...
i'm not buying it... the RUSSIANS are not buying it...
i'm with them... i'd sooner a fellow ethnic tribe:
akin to me: suffer... than leave them for the pastures of
the cancerous ideas of the "west":
mind you... i simply can't care about Ukraine:
thank you... Ukraine... for Chernobyl...
an atomic BOMB is a BOMB...
but a nuclear REACTOR? is a ******* nuclear REACTOR?!
why does my mother blame me for her ailments?!
why did the Jews receive world war II reparations
while the Polacks didn't? why didn't we receive
Chernobyl reparations? why does my mother blame me
for my birth? if the ******* trees...
changed colour from spring to autumn during
this advent... she blames me: she doesn't
blame Chernobyl...

*******: weningmenschen!
                        menschen von hafer: und knabbern!
the Russians will sooner wage war against
their own ethnically minded:
than succumb to the mindset of the:
eroding west! and i would too!
     mind you: i think i already have!
i would wage war against my own kind
than make them succumb to the most ******* worth of
scrutiny: unlike the propaganda of Orwell...
this "double-think" is an an "extra-think"...

the English don't believe in ethnicity:
they believe in race....
me? i believe in race...
that's why i deem myself as an compound:
Anglo-Slav...
was it that hard, for Anglo-Saxons to emerge?!
I'M, *******... ASKING...
you might as well give me a ******* reply!
no reply?! good! TOLL!

zweigesichtmurmelnkastrat:
that's how i see the natives of the land i live in...
i don't even need to bring
the Zeppelins, either...

mein blut ist sieden:
zu punkt von auferstehen die toten!

ich bin wildbeäugt!

Meet me at the back of the crowd
this could be our time to slip away
you say the bigger you dream
the smaller your street looks in the rain
ah come on now
you and I both know this is so much more now
than just being bored

Si pasce di se il fiume, bruca
serpeggiando
le sue
quasi essiccate sgorature,
visita
le sue
quasi aride pozzanghere,
si trascina ai suoi già putridi ristagni
finche, poco più oltre
un poco lo confortano
misteriosi trasudamenti,
lo irrorano frescure,
umori, vene
dal più profondo
del suo cuore sotterraneo
ed eccolo
rinasce esso dalle secche,
ora, si lascia dietro la sassaia
della sua quasi estinzione
per il suo nuovo cammino -
si muove verso se stesso il fiume,
si sposta dentro il suo cangiante bruco
ed entra, fiume nuovo
uscito dalle sue ceneri
nei luoghi dove opera
la primavera e non c'è
fiore né gemma, non c'è ancora
ma c'è quella radiosa incandescenza
di luce e opacità nel bianco dell'aria,
c'è, ed ecco si diffonde, quella trepidante animula
e quel chiaro sopra la linea degli alberi,
quel già più festoso scintillamento delle acque.
C'è tutto "quello". E c'è
lui fiume,
ne vibra intimamente
il senso. C'è questo, c'è prodigiosamente.

and at the end of this session, i'm going to gorge on homemade banana cake, and a glass of milk; hmm, so that's that.

hannah hallysem, chloe vevrier, rosalia verne, dakota skye, nadine jansen, milena d., katrina jade, alison tyler, sasha foxxx, noelle easton, shay fox, kourtney kane, aletta ocean, lexi belle, aria giovanni, maritza mendez, silvia loret, laura lion, ashley graham, latex lucy, alexis texas,  dana dearmond, abella danger, karmen karma, jezebelle bond, keisha grey, karmen grey, jelena jensen, carmen croft, aneta buena, ines cudna, ewa sonnet, emma green, louisa marie, ivy nedkova, karolina pliskova, emma green, louisa marie, ivy nedkova, rooney mara, claire forlani, kelley scarlett, malina may, amirah adara, phoenix marie, foxy di., kenya lust, kiera winters, christy mack, paige delight, faith nelson, darya klishina, sand morris, alysha newman, silvia saint, adele stephens, deven davis, ewa wyrwal, tanya song, synn wagner, christina lucci, hunter leigh, lynda leigh, gemma atkinson, mulani rivera, sarah harding...
        
   all those "expectations" mingling with a *babuska...
gotta have a babuska after a list like that...
      looks nice, doesn't it?
         see how honest other people can become...
      that's as honest as you're going to get:
i'm hardly an out-of-the-closet gay / intellectual...
and this is hardly the most desireds genetical "encyclopedia"
worth reciting...
      but at least there's no closet,
and certainly no skeleton in it...
  to be honest, i'd love to see a compendium of
a woman's favourite *****,
   oh sure, i can switch off...
    i just start thinking about cow *******
and milk sacks; not that hard;
  ugh... furr... itchy... stroking a cow is like
scratching your skin after the barbers...
milking a cow: ah... another subject
of investigation...
                        why do men not bother being
breast-fed, to out-compete the babe?
seems a shame to leave a vacuum for
capitalism to not investigate, don't you think?

Ruba a qualcuno la tua forsennata stanchezza
o gemma che trapassi il suono
col tuo respiro l'ombra che sta ferma
di fronte ad un porto di paura
quel trascendere il mito
come se fosse forzatamente azzurro
o chi senza abbandono
che non sanno che il pianto dei poeti
è solo canto.
Canto rubato al vecchio del portone
rubato al remo del rematore
alla ruota dell'ultimo carro
o pianto di ginestra
dove fioriva l'amatore immoto
dalle turbe angosciose di declino
io sono l'acqua che si genuflette
davanti alla montagna del tuo amore.

title: no baguette
body:
chilly banquet:
pigeons chuckle
and... no coo.                  bad gateway bypass, again.

less of a Nietzsche in me than an Alfred Jarry...
although i'm not that short...
and i wouldn't be close to fishing on the Seine...
although: Paris would be lovely...
managed to get a slot for 3pm with Nicky...
this... bombshell of a woman:
fluctuating bloom of a body...
   how women become irresistible at a certain
age... when they're fully matured...
a bit like... the infatuation i have with autumn's
decay perfumery...
i guess that coy glance her assistant gave me
when she booked me... poor little thing...
probably in her teens... eh... i'll pass..
but this full bodied oomph! my god...
sends a man crazy...
               so booked in for 3pm...
   cycled back to the library and picked up
a bundle of orange recycling bags...
walked into a supermarket and stocked up on
whiskey and pepsi...
in the background... hmm...
          i know this song...
          the 1990's age of new innocence...
  Shanice Wilson - i love your smile...
          oh my my... music used to be so much fun...
back when... fun was around...
        when capitalism was capitalism
and communism was: well... not Chinese capitalism...
fun times... fun time to be born...
the internet wasn't even liquidating minds
into hives and taboo and pseudo-tribes...
  whatever... fun times... you still had grounded
telephones... dial: dial...
           you could ******* into the world and
be sort of... em... "uninterrupted"?
mobile... i.e. that's called a bicycle... not a smartphone...
but there was a precursor to all the nostalgia
i can associate with that song...
men... women...
is masculinity introspective...
   while femininity is retrospective?
                just juggling an idea...
sure... i have the capacity for memory...
                 i think back... but... i never learn from
past mistakes...
   i learn from... shutting down... withdrawing...
that's: introspection...
no... no... it's not that clear-cut...
   i think it's a "dichotomy" a compound... complex...
of introspection-retrospection...
but i never know which is which when
looking at old people...
     old men seem rather conflated with introspection...
while old women...
well... they seem to be bewildered by...
something from the past...
    their youth? their predicament of being...
well... classical depictions of philosophers...
old men... bearded... fading but with enough bite in
them to make you chuckle at their prescriptions...
old women? fiddler on the ******* roof:
match-makers? agony-aunts?!
      i'm lucky in that respect... at least men try to
give genuine advice...
        well... it's more: give genuine narratives
of experience...
    i don't even focus on the men that tally up their
count of women slept with...
sure... that would be great... but... ugh...
the idea of the... the antonym of the horcrux...
splitting one's soul by... no... not killing someone...
loving someone... that too can split your soul...
if it wasn't with the prefix hor-...
   meta-, tetra-, ortho-... para-...
                       ah.. right... hor- for horizontal...
ergo... the opposite "magic" is...
    ver-: vertical... the vercrux...
            what's my vercrux count? oh... i'd say...
in the decent count of 10...
                     but... hmm... Isabella...
Priya... Promis... Ilona... Tamara...
               Milena... Samantha... another Samantha...
Gemma... another Gemma... Janina...
Fiona...
               ah... and i'm with neither...
               what a relief...
i see my father and think: to harrow all the while
in order for a woman to keep the economy
afloat... shoes... this... that and something other:
beside food, alcohol, vinyl... barber shops...
bicycle shops...
                  i'm such a primitive creature...
brothels...
           cigarettes...
                     life can be so pleasant when its
simplicity is cherished...
                   gust of wind... taking a ****...
holding onto *******... waiting for a dark alley
to do the deed... or a cubicle...
        ooze... ooze...
             furry stuff... like shaking off some sweat...
brr... that's the best estimate of what i'm thinking of...
or thinking about etymology like a "counter-argument"
against the rigid Darwinism of: history died...
because... the ape has become an impasse in
the mind of man...
               predictable whittle man...
   rigid psychologism...
                               that the expectations of predictability
are rife... well... no wonder history is sort
of... on a whim: a whimsical: maybe(?)
   what with the journalistic insomnia...
with no Sabbath... Monday... Monday...
nothing ever happens on a Monday - in newspapers...
the slimmest editions...
   - and it is a sunny day... and it is windy...
perfecto! now to the barber shop  to the Turk
for a trim of the beard & moustache...
   & more whiskey...
measured drinking tonight...
     but... tomorrow: tomorrow... after i finish at 1am
and probably get some around 4am...
an **** of drinking...
             last time i heard only the central and victoria
lines were striking their nightshifts...
so i'll be good to go using the jubilee to get back to
Stratford and buckle into snooze
on the N86 back to Romford...
          buzzing... priming myself for a knockout...
life: has oddly become, once more...
quintessentially bearable... i feel rejuvenated like
a child; looking at other people in the public square...
i think that's rare.

I will only give encores to an all female audience.


This is dedicated to all the beautiful women in the world;
Especially those I have had the pleasure of meeting.


Oh my!  Maya;
Would you be mine?
I am in love with you truly;
You are the light of my life.


Much love to the beautiful woman with the blonde braids,
To every beautiful face,
To anyone who ever thought I was worthy;
To red hair Rachel from the Surgery.


To Gemma; you are beautiful.
Much love to the Dark Night Girl.
To Vicky you know who,
I will always love you.
To the beautiful redhead who always has a boyfriend;
I’m over you at long last, so let’s just be good friends.


To every gorgeous woman who ever looked twice at me;
For the beautiful black woman, who smiled just for me,
As I turned back a second time, to defy love at first sight.
For Sarah…only thanx for saving my life.


For every woman who I have ever thought beautiful.
I love you all truly; I give you all whatever you wish for.


(C)2013 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

I am sat here by the river on the roots of an old beech tree,
The birds sing, the river flows. The delights of natural beauty.

There is no sun today, there is no warm breeze to comfort me,
but i did see a rabbit letting me know you are watching over me.

What laughs we had, what smiles we made, what wonderful times we knew,
I just wish they were not over, and i did not have to live the rest of my life without you.

Many things i wish but alas they can not be,
My little Gemma your hand print is on my heart for all eternity.

502 bad gateway byways short:

Paul's *** never
favoured itself as a prized
asset for making
gazpacho...

this is not an album review per se, that's just the cover, my true intentions for writing this come after... but at the same time: it's a thought experiment - concerning attention spanning... if i continued down the path of being my own pretend radio DJ... listening to songs from as many possible artists i'd lose track of the beauty of listening to an entire album in one sitting... i find that most people these days are unable to listen to an entire album by one artist... it's difficult... i can give an example of one album that trained me to be patient... my father was a big fan of King Crimson... in the Court of the Crimson King is always the album i go back to to regain my concentration skills when it comes to something i haven't heard before...

the first few words will be difficult...
      i'm just not feeling them...
                  i left my feelings elsewhere...
i'm already elsewhere...
    it's truly impossible to make music this good...
what was the album i listened
to last... when all of the opening 5 songs i really
liked? there's usually a high...
   then some middle ground... some low with
a ballad or equivalent... perhaps a stadium filler
anthem: most of Queen's stuff was the latter...

1. holy peak
   2. television
     3. small dogs
       4. i've had enough
         5. ambition...         o.k. fair enough
     this is the first track that i'm not feeling...
but after four tracks that pumped me up...
i need to slow down with the hype... fair enough...
          
now i'll need to take a break so that the music
will catch up with me writing this...
thankfully there's that glass of sharpshooter whiskey
and pepsi and a cigarette about to be lodged between
the index and *******: and the coolness
of the night...

            6. dance macabre - also a welcome interlude...
sort of reminds of the madness of Gong's
flying teapot (radio gnome invisible part 1)...
    during the time i was dating this Russian girl
and every time i put this record on: she freaked
out and told me to turn it off...
                  that's almost like this one guy i knew
and when i put on Greenskeepers song Lotion on
he would immediately tell me turn it off...
so much for adventurous stoners...

   7. valley of the dolls... a song trying to regain
energy... this is the moment in the album
i was reflecting on the prior two songs...
but come...

  8. stars wars... we're back to the energy of the first
four songs... the bass has become relevant once
more...

   the album will finish with two cover songs...
a Bob Marley and a Serge Gainsbourg songs...
i haven't heard them yet... so i can't say: refill!
need more ice... this heat-wave isn't helping anyone...
at least in winter you perhaps wake up shocked
to wake up in the dark in the morning...
but at least you don't wake up exhausted...
there's only one plus of this heat-wave...
a lack of appetite... what did i eat today?
two eggs on two pancakes...
                                     and... a mixed berry milkshake...

mind you... i also made raspberry sorbet...
but clearly people have got it all wrong
when it comes to sorbet recipes...
i'm so glad i didn't follow it to the exactness...
people use too much sugar...
clearly:

250g of sugar
250ml of water... the sugar is to be melted
    in the water... the was: obviously heated...
juice of half a lemon
400g of raspberries...

i didn't use 250g of sugar...
i must have used about 200g but i wish i used
even less...
and i didn't use half a lemon...
i used the juice of two lemons...
and i didn't use 400g of raspberries...
after tasting the slush... i decided to blitz
up probably another 100g of raspberries: if not more...

sorbet shouldn't be sweet... it should be tangy...

9. get up, stand up... well clearly it isn't
a reggae cover... it's a new wave take on reggae...
   it is what it is...

10. moi non plus...
                  i do know all about the ad hominem
response toward ol' Serge... i'll be honest...
               i'm not that familiar with his music...
                      refill...
well... walking back up the stairs was rather
interesting... now i have to listen to the original...
but not yet... the best part being:
REWIND...

track 1...holy peak... twice on repeat...
                now i'm satisfied... i couldn't rewind
on that song alone haven't i listened to the whole
album... that was great... 40 minutes well spent...
hmm... new wave post-punk has always been
my place to go: the origins of punk are...
3 chords? 3 minute songs?
           music for people with short-attention spans...
just like i could never get into rap...
hip-hop: sampling jazz: yes...
                                    death metal too... i can't stand
that ****...

no to lift my mood concerning what i was actually
going to write about...
Faun - Seemann
   the night is looking ****...
                        that rhubarb and strawberry cake
i baked today was also sort of ****...
plus the added sorbet... but on a Sunday as hot
as it was today: what else is there to do?
perhaps watch the World Athletics...
                     oh man... i'm dreading working
the shift at Wembley for the Women's Euro finals...

i don't have a problem with female tennis:
i actually enjoy it more than men's tennis...
i remember a time before the great trinity arrived
that male tennis was all about the serve...
hardly any ******* rallies...
                 yawn...
                          but women's tennis was always more
interesting: for me, at least...
and the "asexuality" of the Olympics was always
appealing...
                but... pushing this ******* agenda
of: women will be as great footballers as men sort of
shakes the myths associated with names
according to Bobby Charlton... Pele... Maradonna...
any other sport... but not football...
not rugby... not boxing...

                tennis is a ladies game... it's beautiful!
golf is boring for either party: i don't see what the big
joke is: except i do... when Robin Williams explained
the invention of golf...
the stats are in... what's troubling is how people
love to lie to themselves...
sure... perhaps in Spain: where the women's Barcelona
team can fill the Camp Nou: unlike in club football
in England where the only people attending are...
small children... friends and family and "empowered"
women...

that's why at female football matches
people with S.I.A. licenses are not given shifts...
no one expects trouble at a woman's football match...
you have too many children...
not enough rowdy teenage boys...
so the risk of violence is minimal...
                     i don't get it...
   women had access to sport... they always did...
they also had access to literature:
who did Marquis de Sade write for? men?
i don't think so...
                     but certain sports are certain sports...
how many sports are there in the Olympics?!
i'm not even bother counting...

so i was watching this World Athletic Championship
today...
hmm... those heptathlon athletes look pretty...
snap of the figure: the idea is gone...
because i stop focusing on the women
and focus on what they're doing...
the same with tennis...
                 ****... Eugenie Bouchard /
   Monica Puig is playing...              i can't....
     concentrate... snap of the fingers...
                       the initial idea is gone... i focus on the tennis...
when i watch a women's football match...
those knee-long socks...
sure... they're not playing in skirts... but in shorts...
but... in England schoolgirls do wear those long
white socks...
                too much ******* hair in the air...
i don't watch women's football for the football:
i watch women's football for the women...
plain as a lost shadow come noon
   on a desert platitude...

let's face it... there are areas where women excel
beyond any man...
gymnastic and ballet...
men are props in ballet...
       tarty-socked-up buffons...
              a sort of Spinal Tap spin-off...
but gymnastic? the agility: the pliability
of their bodies... men's bodies are rigid-strength
structures... in gymnastics a woman's entire
body is used... in the case of man?
his prowess: his upper body strength...

are women's bones made from chewing gum
or something? or are they actually possessed
with an exoskeleton?
i guess girls that aspire to be footballers
only wished to be able to play football with
the boys in school... but the boys said no...
so the girls were like: Mr. Big Brother!
give us a league! give us a league!

but they're so... "unattractive" in their pursuit...
given: looking at the crowd that attends...
thank god this is not the world cup...
i'd hate to have to spot my favourite female
player... what?! because she plays fantastic football?
Hazard player fantastic football at Chelsea...
moving to Real Madrid ruined the poor sod...
i'm talking about...

Alexandria Morgan... football? eh? there's a pitch?
there's a stadium? there are two goals?
what are you talking about?
   i'm not here for the football...
                  ANY OTHER SPORT...
South Korean women at the Olympics in the sport
of archery...
yes... i know it's a woman...
but look at her skills...
     football is hot-wired into a man's head that:
women shouldn't...
i don't care... Alexandria Megan and... something's moving
or something's not moving...

too much history with football hooliganism...
in a time when people are indoctrinated
into what football team they support...
******* club tattoos...
                a grandfather takes his son to a football
match: fanaticism...
and then the father takes the grandson to the football
match: cycle - on repeat...
not all sports... seriously... not all sports...
it just can't be done... otherwise i just switch off...

it's not like girls are inspired by ballerinas or
gymnasts... but apparently some are...
there's nothing inspiring about women football players...
the attendance statistics prove just as much...
it's a niche mentality... pre- or post- feminist?
when is this tirade of a "philosophy" of:

one shoe fits all: unus calceus omnis vicium
going to end?
isn't there one?! feminism ought to be a prefix...
because it's a meat-grinder of ideas...
there's always going to be a counter
to say... existentialism...
there's going to be feminist-existentialism...
the feminist-enlightenment...
the feminist-stoicism...
  the feminist-cynicism...
the feminist-Platonism...
             catch me if you sort of mentality?!

as a teenager i used to dream about women...
i woke up between the ages of 13 and 16
and be like...
Valentine's Day... stop there! coward!
you're brining roses for Janina today...
in art class... Janina became a face i wanted to sketch...
and i did... it was a sketch...
eyes as shapes... the presupposed sclera...
but no pupil and certainly no iris...
peering into a mirror with her as an old woman...
Gemma was another i asked a photograph
off so i could sketch her...

all: worth: jack: ****!
         so i cured myself of woman with women,
with prostitutes...
  now? it should be the song Freebird...
but it's Sweet Home Alabama and me thinking:
cinema *****... a tight ***...
cinema ***** a tight ***...
               i still love... with a grave to distance me
and a "her" apart...
    because if coffee dates are so stupid...
if art gallery and cinema dates are so stupid...
i'm not willing to pay for food and a maybe...
go straight down the river and pay for the ***...
at least: chances are...
she might like you so much
that she'll let you try ******* for the very first
time aged 36...  and you're like...
well that was ****... i'll gladly return
to my cup of coffee and a cigarette for...
this snorting paracetamol is doing **** all for me...

AND I'M STILL NOT WRITING ABOUT
WHAT I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT...
thank you... Thomas Bunce... my English teacher:
he used to teach English via way of digression...
what grammar i handle is my own self-taught...
he had the principle:
if you can write like you speak... you're good to go...
but... he didn't really state that:
you can also write like you think:
and never speak like you think...
which is why writing is a two-edged sword...
i don't even know how to write like i speak:
i write like i think...
and i never speak like i think...
so writing is a "third-man" dimension of me...

HELL... I'M STILL NOT WRITING ABOUT
WHAT I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT...
maybe now: here's my chance...
yes... it begins with the Roman poets' overtones
of conversation, casual:
nothing modern: over-exasperated
performance propaganda related:
western-leftist ideology:
      i come from a sturdy stock...
it took **** Germany and Soviet Russian
longer to conquer Poland than it took
**** Germany alone to conquer France...

and? i have no sympathy for the Ukrainians...
zilch... their Cossack uprising undermined
the concept that was the Polish-Lithuanian
Commonwealth...
you can only take so much...
Swedes from the north...
the Ottoman Turks from the south...
  German mercenaries from the west...
Russian tickling from the east...
                IF it was so ******* bad?
you get what you deserved... no?
that's why i will never get a tattoo on my body...
i have plenty of historical dates
to be mindful of...
          1648 - the Khmelnytsky uprising...
what?! in England people celebrate one date in
particular... 1066...
weird date to remember and celebrate...
while all prior Viking invasions failed...
  this Viking invasion actually succeeded...
and it's... ******* celebrated...
                    i remember when i was wronged:
not when i was conquered...
or at least a fraction of me...

                  I'M STILL NOT WRITING ABOUT WHAT
I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT!

digression... the best momentum for writing:
and drinking...
but of course i know what drinking alone
does to people...
my grandfather, my best friend...
the man i went foraging for mushrooms with...
the man i went cycling with to the lakes...
the rivers... the man i walked our Alsatian
with... the man i played golf with...
the men i went sight-seeing Cracow:
Warsaw? cool name... probably beats
Bangkok... it's a saw-of-war...
                      who went fishing with me at am...
he was an alcoholic...
me? i charge my drinking into writing...
i drink and i write...
i contain the beast...
   he didn't... he drank for the sake of drinking...
i remember him ******* his trousers...
behaving like a lunatic... he couldn't keep control...
me? i have an elephant's memory...
someone tells me i did something...
i usually have written proof: no i didn't...
i was writing: THIS...
alcoholism is painful if you don't have a creative
output... i wouldn't recommend alcoholism
to anyone who doesn't have any outlet in
writing or painting...
i did an NVQ 2 course concerning crowd safety:
oh man... the return to the formality
of language to gain some bogus qualification...
drinking while taking this course
would be painful: the unoriginality of language
was unbearable...
but i wept through it....
   "wept"...

I'M STILL NOT WRITING ABOUT WHAT I WANTED
TO WRITE ABOUT!
when is this digress mechanism going to end...
is there a PRESS: THE END button anywhere?!

i'll try to pretend...
that this is the end...

                                                 right... breath... a long:
carrying breath... both body and soul...
   ambo corpus et anima... et spiritus-visus...

come 3am i ought to be sleeping...

so... i came across the garden come 11pm...
needing to be fed water...
i wish i owned cattle... flowers are plenty...
Sim... one door down came out...
with a black bag... how many rats did you kills?
i killed about 5... perhaps 6...
a narrative starting running in my mind...
i thought he thought: who's watering that garden
tonight? oh... it's Matthew...
it's not Miroslav...

                                   i drank a Beck's... smoked
a cigarette... started to water the garden in the cool
cold night of repose...
right...                 problem...
            i should have been a painter...
            the Walter Sickert exhibition really impressed me...
the early works and the nudes...
who isn't impressed by a painter's nudes?
so i'm watering the garden... a light comes on in
the bathroom of my neighbours' house one door down...

what's that term? for the glass? used in bathrooms?!
obscured... obscuring glass...
as if glass and water mingled...
or as if glass and water and air and fog were mingling...
i could see a shape...
at first i thought: oh ****... it's their mother...
but then i waited for a while...
the... the... i don't purposively "forget" nouns...
some nouns are just not practical:
i'm not about to use them!
  Heidegger's hammer metaphor shouldn't be solely
concerning: two labourers talking about philosophy
while labouring...
it should also be concerning:
two intellectual forgetting nouns...
allocating sign-language to explain...
that fidgety-"thing"... you know... i know?!
they... close door... language anti-verb all hieroglyphic
noun! OWL = NIGHT OPEN SLEEP....
that sort of *******...

        i'm drinking and i'm ***** again...
the glass used for windows of toilets...
what's her name again? i know she's Indian...
that's tragic... i have an oyster's spot of Indian and Turkish girls...
there comes a madness i can't control...
i hyper-focus on raven hair...
i used to hyper-focus on blonde hair:
enough blonde-hair rejections cured me of my childhood
past... now? i just own a blonde moustache...

in the gilded cage of the glass that's used for bathroom
windows...
she looked like a big girl...
at first i thought i was looking at her mother
washing herself... but then again: the "LUFCZIK"
was wide open... after she took her shower
she started pandering herself... applying cream
to her body... she raised her hands up...
ah... the most ****** aspect of a woman's body:
her hands...
i tend to look at a woman's hand's first...
hello: handshake-Geisha...
i count the arithmetic of knuckles...
girl: you must be missing my pinky knuckle...
i see... by the size of either of your hands
that i have the index, the middle and the ring fingers...
but you're missing the pinky extension...

clever Ovid: i might be envious of the "esteem"
of other men... but in your hands...
i'm: normal...
     "expected"....
                    i was supposed to water the garden...
i was... watering the garden...
but i took breaks...
it wasn't a pretty outline...
she looked like a ++ girls... bulging...
a beached whale type... contorts of her *******
as she detailed them with hand movements
making it necessary for them to be nurished
with moisture...
                   of cream of coconuts...
               this Sikh girl is my kind of stuffing...
i'll go mad for anything with her sort of
olive-complexion... with raven hair...
with eyes that discuss the origins of
                               the Sahara desert as:
once upon a time being an extensive mountain range...

i succumbed to a: pinguis-caput...
   fat head...
                 a headache without a headache...
my head was bulging...
                what's caput in ******?
that's it!
                   that's what it means...
so i'm watching her...
what do i see... her hands raised...
tender little Geisha "oopses"...
silver bracelet... to boot...
this glass is not a mirror...
                         contorts of her hair...
her torso... i best have been born a painter...
her ******* as she olives up...
i get drunk on the mere idea of drinking...

she looks like a big girl in the glass...
that's supposed to not invite onlookers...
i shouldn't be the one watering the garden...
not when she's taking a shower...
she's taking for ages...
i can wait...

           and she looks purposively:
she's pressing her ******* and ***
against the glass...
                                  it's like the universe
inverted upon itself, no?
i don't feel inclined to ingest
more hard-core *******...
i'm seeking subtler "stuff"...
                          something more mythical...
hide a naked body behind a strange glee
of glass... but just expose the hands...
the hands of a woman...
            modern ******* is a turn-off for me...
i'm always wanting to turn today
Italian classics... this modern "****"?
there's no float, there's no boat...
it's all sink... sink... sink...

                i was watering the flowers!
but she took almost 40 minutes out of my life
oiling herself!
                i'm thinking: the love of a brother for her sister...
when your sister is unwanted by other men....
and you need to find... an outlet: equivalent of
the qualification of man: to accept your sister?!

it takes me 1 litre of whiskey to fall asleep...
but i need to write first... concentrate...
my grandfather was an alcoholic too...
but... he didn't write under the influence...
           i can't imagine drinking without writing...
without...
            my god... her ******* seem so enlarged...
her torso... i wish i were a painter...
thank god there's no painting in existence
concerning what i saw...
mein! mein alles! my! my all!

at least my garden is illuminated...
all demons welcome...
                                      i don't even think i can
ever be "bored": i'm just the best "side" of...
"soaked" in what's exacting: soaking...
            a bite into an orange...
a bite into a watermelon...
                                      a wetted beard is easier
to brush with a comb...
                                    cats don't behave like dogs
should you have a rat problem.

Going to meet with Gemma!
Did you pack my special pants?
We can pack when I get back!
Don't touch that bag!
See ya later!
Maybe not!
College tomorrow.
I'm so gone.

No words can express my love for him, or describe how I feel so sad,
So instead, here are a few words about the things that made him my Dad.
That huge precious smile when you bought him his favourite apple pie,
The fancy golden clip he would use when he wore his smart shirt and tie.
The way he used a bar of soap to slick back the sides of his brown hair,
His warm wholehearted hugs that fully engulfed you in his love and care.
The pure happiness and pride on his face when I received my degree,
And I don’t think I ever heard him turn down a single cup of tea.
The way he would shout out loud to me “Gemma, what’s the Liverpool score?!”
That cute excited face he would pull when visitors came to the door,
“Don’t leave it so long next time” he would state when guests had to say goodbye,
Watching Beauty and the Beast there would always be a tear in his eye.
The way he would sing along to Elvis Presley loudly in the car,
The many different stories he would give to explain that same old scar.
His love for a gammon steak, always swap the pineapple for fried egg,
Showing me he needed the toilet by gently tapping his right leg.
A bacon sandwich every Saturday, lots of butter on his bread,
The way he’d nuzzle into his pillow when I tucked him into bed.
Our TV was so loud you could hear John Wayne at the end of the street,
The way he would dance along to music while still sitting in his seat.
Playing the lottery twice a week, convinced that one day he would win,
How his kind blue eyes would light up alongside his famous cheeky grin.
Good natured and happy, always smiling and rarely grouchy or sad,
There will never be anyone as wonderful as my dear old Dad.

well, the day ended in a spectacular fashion...
no, not really...
my bus home was pulling up
while i was aiming to get on it,
some colt was ahead of me, we slightly bumped
shoulders... he began with with kissing
his teeth like a black girl in high school...
i just turned around and showed him the *******...
that shut him up... i didn't hear a peep-squeak
or anything...

you, sorted, mate? i wasn't going to give him
the cryptic three finger salute of: read between
the lines... i really wasn't in the mood for a conversation...
a simple ******* sufficed...
the girls at the bus stop giggled... well yeah...
seriously... i'm not in the mood...

i was going a shift at Fulham today and we had
a cardiac arrest during the match,
the whole event was broken up...
CPR was given in the stadium and then later in
the ambulance...
we had riot police and we had police on horseback...
previous creatures... i always loved how
dogs interact with larger mammals, esp. horses...

i had two girls run up to me... sisters...
i've bruised my finger... my nail is bleeding...
run along to the toilet...
wash it up... get some tissue, wrap it round...
put pressure on it... walked up to the public toilet
and waited for them to come out...
you're alright? great... on your way...

that's what i really love about working...
i can write about... easiest subject matter on the planet...
esp. when you're shepherding people
to a major event like a football match...
good afternoon... smile, giggle... have all the appearances
of a welcoming person in a high-viz...
sunglasses on, sunglasses off...

X party... i spent most of the time with her today,
as if we were on a first date...
she taught me some Arabic...
she's supposed to give me a cookbook since...
well Egyptian cooking is unlike Moroccan cooking
and Moroccan cooking is unlike Persian
cooking... the Egyptians use a lot of rice...
but they have the sour notes... not the Berber sweet-hearts...
of apricots...

i love working as much as i think that
this "rhymes": arbeit macht frei...
                              weird, isn't it?
hello! good afternoon! enjoy the match...
i told said X... look at it... the Thames...
it's a river that always appears as if it's not flowing...
sure... the winds were coming to 80mph...
so it looked like the river was flowing...
it wasn't... the Thames always looks like a *******
pond... even though there's a TIDE-IN
& a TIDE-OUT...

what the **** did we cover? pretty much everything...
oh... yeah, i was into horse-riding...
terrible on the *******... but at a gallops' pace...
cycling in heavy traffic comes close...
favourite birds... i said mine were crows...
birds of death? well... i owe myself a mythology
to the crow...
which is not journalism which is not history...
it's... myth! it's archetypical building...
that's Huginn... & that's Muninn...

       the proverb read: lies have short legs...
lies don't walk on stilts...
Gemma... that ******* infatuation for the past two days...
premonition came...
only last night i was putting out cigarettes on my
left hand's knuckles... enjoying the pain...
from the burns... today i was smearing some
antiseptic cream on the wound...
one of the coworkers asked me... what happened?
i said don't worry...
why would i lie about getting those burns
from making pizza... even though i was making pizza?

this was bound to come up...
one ***** talking **** talking about another girl...
using a man as her... phalanx shield...
i'm getting the *******...
yeah, i drink, prior to the day i'm working...
but i don't drink on the job...
but then... doesn't all cologne utilise alcohol,
so it lasts longer, so it's more potent?
me, drinking on the job?

oh, because all the other girls had to start calling
her all the slurs...
**** this and that...
i just called her a serpent, a snake...
i told them all... wait... don't react with so much
immediacy, i'm cool, i know i have just been
slandered... i'm in bed with this female version
of the worst of the worst...
i'm the male version of the worst of the worst...
if she's apparent this psychotic mental case...
guess what... i am too...
but i don't keep in so ******* publically open...
i back down... listen to some pop music...
backstreet boys...

premonition though, eh?
i was loved up for about 3 days...
day 4 i was putting out cigarettes on my knuckles so the
******* roller-coaster in my stomach could
****** off... riding a bicycle and doing
stomach crunches didn't help...
what helped? being told that lies were being
told about me...
the amount of detail i put toward personal
hygiene...

what a beautiful sunset overlooking the Thames...
once the crowd was leaving...
two boys addressed me... waved... have a good night...
i extended my hand... did a pseudo-wave
by folding my fingers into a fist... you too mate...
then... **** me...
a Greek guy... who was selling hot-dogs in the stadium...
first shift, last shift...
too messy apparently...

    by definition: if Greek... historically pederasts were rife...
well, it was a nice compliment:
i like you beard... some serious ****** tension,
some "chin wagging" / conversation,
he touched me, i touched him,
you look like a Greek orthodox priest...
wow.... just... wow...

once the spectators were leaving
i was having a head-spin...
              the sunset over the Thames was beautiful,
but this, right now?
too many ******* people...
we only interacted for about 2 minutes...
i sometimes wish i was gay...
esp. today...
with the women available...
i wish i was gay.... I WISH I WAS
HOMOSEXUAL... why?! it would imply i'd get
more "traffic"...

oh esp. if they're Greek hot dog stall providers
and they come up to you
telling you... your beard...
i like your beard... you look like an orthodox
Greek priest!
                              like, what the ****?!
oh, **** me, i'm going to own that...
right then and there and all the more simple!

the way he touched me... a comforting touch
of the arm... i was seriously surprised that he was walking up
to me...
oh... hello....
well thank god i had that premonition concerning
being slandered... i smell of alcohol?
no chance of my drinking on the job...
fasting? smelling too much of cologne?
sure...

there are two single mothers...
their boys are best pals... i'm not about to **** it up...
let it go... i said: let it go...
wait for her to make a second mistake...
even though i didn't have sniffer dogs on my ***
this shift.... i was asked by supervisors to sniff
my ***... like they sniffed my ***...
i spoke some French and i spoke some
Latvian... sveiki draugs! etc.

i love work...
you get to meet so many people! i love it!
ich liebe diese!
ich liebe arbeit!
you been away from it long enough...
i ought to have joined the army...
well... if i haven't joined the army by
now... this is going to be my next, new,
cohort... today i watched how 10 stewards
were turned down from their shifts
for simply turning up late...

i even said... *****-slap to the face...
i even slapped myself... seeing them walk-away
from the shift... oh well...

i was so loved up for almost 4 days...
thank god, or whoever i sobered up with
putting ciagarretes out on my knuckles...
            i enjoy pain... i really enjoy pain...
like i told this one ***** that slandered me...
oh... but you don't know who you're dealing with...
do you? she can riddle me with her
******* sop story all she wants...

           i have a sop story of my own...
to hell with getting tattoos...
i'm out here to get scars...
  how's that?!

          each of my left hand's knuckles have
already been exposed to cigarette **** burns...
why? i enjoy... the pain...
pain is the ultimate signature of reality!