why do I always need to be told what to do? I've been asked this more times than I can possibly count. I always respond with a shrug, stating that I'm simply just indecisive.
I mean, what else could possibly be the cause?
it couldn't possibly be from the nights when my face was flushed red and my eyes were pouring. The nights where the skin on my face burned and stung from the salt, where my face was frozen in an expression of fear and...disgust?
was I disgusted by them?
no, silly.
I was disgusted by myself.
I was shaking, from what I have no clue, and I shouldn't assume the cause.
But how could someone whose touch was once warm and comforting, now feel so mind-numbingly cold? how could this place which used to be a safe space, now have me in constant fear?
How could a promise made to me at birth, be shattered so easily? I was told I lost their trust. I was told I wasn't good enough. I was told that they wished I had never come into their lives. And I listened. Because they're right. I'm not good enough. I never will be.
The nights where I would sit with my back to the wall, screaming silently at myself. I would curse myself, for how I was always letting people down How I could never shut up and listen, and that was the reason I was always wrong.
Countless nights spent wishing that I wasn't myself.
But- of course, this couldn't be the cause. after all, he told me to stop assuming.
he always said "when your mouth opens, your mind shuts down"