Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
When I was twelve years old 
(Twelve, for crying out loud!)
A woman messaged me, informing me of a modeling deal that I could be a part of. 
She had me call her on Skype and pose in my underwear in front of the camera.
I was going to be a bikini model.
The woman's screen was black. 
She told me to do innapropriate things to my body.
"I am just checking out your potential." 
So I did them, because this girl thought I was good enough to be a model.
And when I was twelve Years old, nobody thought I was good enough for anything, myself included.
Only after the call ended did I realize that there was no modeling deal,
And that it wasn't a ******* the other end.

When I was thirteen years old, 
A boy messaged me and showed me the type of attention I never recieved.
He called me beautiful and sweet and asked to see my face. 
The boy called me over video chat and began to touch himself in innapropriate ways in front of me. 
I didn't like it.
I shut my eyes and listened to music and lyrics in my head.
Half an hour was wasted of him telling me to lift up my shirt and me shaking my head no. 
I finally did it, and then I shut off the camera,
Because I did not want this boy to tell me I am beautiful or that he enjoys my breast shapes.
I just wanted to be left alone.

When I was fourteen, I got tired of being so alone. 
Another guy messaged me and asked if we could be friends...
I really wanted a friend.
He asked if we could hang out as friends.
So he picked me up and we went to the mall and shopped around like friends,
And when he told me to get in the dressing room with him,
I thought it kind of strange but i did so anyways.
Maybe this is what friends do! 
But my "friend" began to touch me and kiss me like no one ever had before,
And I did not like it,
And I told him no,
But he did it anyways,
And I suddenly did not like this friendship, anymore. 

To get that rotten taste out of my mouth,
I kissed a new guy
And this guy kissed me way too fast and too much 
But I told myself that I wanted to kiss him so that it wouldnt feel as bad. 
And when he took off my clothes and told me to touch him in places that I hadn't touched anyone before,
I told myself that I wanted to, so I wouldn't feel as bad. 
I told myself that I was overreacting when he kissed me rough and I cried into his mouth.
I told myself that I loved him when he threw me onto the floor when I finally said no. 
I told myself the only way for him to love me back would be to do what he says with no questions asked. 

When I was fifteen, in order to stop myself from slicing my skin into bits or binge eating at one in the morning,
I snuck out my bedroom window and met up with a twenty-something man 
Who told me we were going to go see a movie.
The movie turned out to be seen in his bedroom and we didn't watch very much of it. 
I snuck back in through my window hours later
With bruises and marks covering my neck,
And no matter how much I brushed my teeth,
I could still taste his lips on me. 

The safest thing I have learned in life,
Is that guys go after vulnerable girls,
And I guess I am one of them.
This is just something that crossed my mind.... And I realized just how true it was.
My shirt was too low.
It does not matter
If I fought back
Or said no
I was asking for it,
My shirt was too low.
He is the sun on a rainy afternoon.
He is the voice that fills the silence in your car.
He is the strong and the humble and the proud.
He is the laugh in the back of your throat.
He is the hand that gives you support.
He is the song that you keep coming back to, years after your first listen.
He is the insomnia that keeps you awake at three in the morning.
He is the clouded memory in the back of your brain.
He is the kind of love that you don't even know exists until you've had it.
This poison has taken over my body
I stumble and I fall
I laugh and then I cry
I wish that I could fly -
And so I test it
When did I get here?
What's with the white sheets?
I don't need medicine
Medicine can't fix me
Blur, it's all a blur
I think, I think I jumped
No, no wait, I was pushed
I don't remember, I can't
I can't remember
Love, why do you do this to me?
Your desperate tears mean nothing to him
For all he knows, the second they are wiped away
You go back to your happy whim
Your damaged eyes amount to little
For all he knows, the second they are hid away
You're no longer feeling brittle
You don't seem to understand
You can't just down the whole bottle and ask for my hand
You don't seem to get the picture
You can't just swallow this poision and add me into the mixture
You don't seem to comprehend
That you're just buying these lies
Even though my faith is on the other end
You don't seem to really care
That you're underaged for such things
As long as they bid you (and only you) fair
clock in
somewhere between midnight and eery silece
peeling my eyes wide, can not close
(they can't)
have to keep busy
busy, busy, busy
my mind is always busy like it's a job
no time for breaks
no happy thoughts
the one laying next to me is rich in slumber
resting from his day of work
I am wide awake,
my mind working quickly, my eyes watering just on que
it's all part of the routine
I have to never forget you
it's okay, my dear dreamer
sleep well,
I will take the night shift.
My thoughts - jumbled and mixed together.
I understand this is hard for you
A woman whom could not govern her own
So as to reside in a greater power
In which this hope has rescued you
I understand your concern
That I will have no such one to place my blame on
But oh, you must see
That much more profound happiness
May very well be found elsewhere
In a world that which does not provide
Such an easy excuse to these troubles
You must understand, simply as I do,
That one or both are wrong,
So that these endless quarrels are useless
Let me believe in my logic and you in your fairytales
And fulfill your hunger for strife
You might get it. You might not. That's okay.
try, try, try once more
you can't be perfect but don't be a bore
try, try, try and see
one day soon this fear will leave
try, try, with all your might
maybe one day you will be thin and lite
try, try, try the pain
pretty is still pretty when pretty's in vain
Next page