When I was twelve years old
(Twelve, for crying out loud!)
A woman messaged me, informing me of a modeling deal that I could be a part of.
She had me call her on Skype and pose in my underwear in front of the camera.
I was going to be a bikini model.
The woman's screen was black.
She told me to do innapropriate things to my body.
"I am just checking out your potential."
So I did them, because this girl thought I was good enough to be a model.
And when I was twelve Years old, nobody thought I was good enough for anything, myself included.
Only after the call ended did I realize that there was no modeling deal,
And that it wasn't a ******* the other end.
When I was thirteen years old,
A boy messaged me and showed me the type of attention I never recieved.
He called me beautiful and sweet and asked to see my face.
The boy called me over video chat and began to touch himself in innapropriate ways in front of me.
I didn't like it.
I shut my eyes and listened to music and lyrics in my head.
Half an hour was wasted of him telling me to lift up my shirt and me shaking my head no.
I finally did it, and then I shut off the camera,
Because I did not want this boy to tell me I am beautiful or that he enjoys my breast shapes.
I just wanted to be left alone.
When I was fourteen, I got tired of being so alone.
Another guy messaged me and asked if we could be friends...
I really wanted a friend.
He asked if we could hang out as friends.
So he picked me up and we went to the mall and shopped around like friends,
And when he told me to get in the dressing room with him,
I thought it kind of strange but i did so anyways.
Maybe this is what friends do!
But my "friend" began to touch me and kiss me like no one ever had before,
And I did not like it,
And I told him no,
But he did it anyways,
And I suddenly did not like this friendship, anymore.
To get that rotten taste out of my mouth,
I kissed a new guy
And this guy kissed me way too fast and too much
But I told myself that I wanted to kiss him so that it wouldnt feel as bad.
And when he took off my clothes and told me to touch him in places that I hadn't touched anyone before,
I told myself that I wanted to, so I wouldn't feel as bad.
I told myself that I was overreacting when he kissed me rough and I cried into his mouth.
I told myself that I loved him when he threw me onto the floor when I finally said no.
I told myself the only way for him to love me back would be to do what he says with no questions asked.
When I was fifteen, in order to stop myself from slicing my skin into bits or binge eating at one in the morning,
I snuck out my bedroom window and met up with a twenty-something man
Who told me we were going to go see a movie.
The movie turned out to be seen in his bedroom and we didn't watch very much of it.
I snuck back in through my window hours later
With bruises and marks covering my neck,
And no matter how much I brushed my teeth,
I could still taste his lips on me.
The safest thing I have learned in life,
Is that guys go after vulnerable girls,
And I guess I am one of them.
This is just something that crossed my mind.... And I realized just how true it was.