I've always wanted to be
To be everybody for somebody

To be every thought
In that every moment

To create those very moments
Moments that make them smile or cry
In laughter.

To be the lightening in their thunder
That spark that lights their way

To be the loved in their beloved
Throwing myself in the face of the danger
The dangerous arrows from cupid's unwavering bow

I'd never settle for someone for everybody
I'd rather be everybody to someone

But who am I to be picky

No one.
At least, not to anybody.

I've lived off pressure
Ridden on expectant falls
Derided by some

I've been loved without measure
Tripped over some hearts
Hated by some

Whatever it is you do
There are expectations to flog you with
But always bear in mind
That humans
We never stop judging

Dressed in stereotypes
To our burial sites.

Your eyes are like the ocean
On a sunny day at the beach;
I'm drawn to them
But just close enough
So I don't drown in them

The first day we met
Your bright smile
Made me want to say
All the cheesy things
Like
Hi Summer
I'm autumn
And I'm coming after you

Woke up without my memories/thoughts dispersed, I'm scared/agitated

Woke up with you by my side/didn't know twas you

Didn't know twas true how I dreamt of having you there/but now I barely even know myself

Those who remember it thought we were perfect

Lost in my memories/lost without them I'm still

Not sure what to do/I should be lost without the love they claim we have, we had/but I don't remember, I may as well be dead, reborn, undead

Those who remember it thought it too good, unreal

And now my nightmare's caught up with me/I feel like I woke up in my bad dream, still dreaming I wake up how I slept

How could I forget a life so dreamy they say/I must have been playing hide not seek in my head, and now I can't figure out where my memories at

Yet I'm sure someplace within my mind, if it's any consolation/I'll always love you, even if I never remember

And maybe one day, maybe never, I will remember/and when such a day comes or not, please remind me never to forget again

My fatal fetallity

If I said I wanted to leave you

because I don't want to know

Again, the feeling of being left

Alone, would that make me selfish

Or foolish

You would say it's the latter,

But I say, maybe you are right

These days I live to be a fool another day

... And when
They promise you forever
Don't overthink it.

Forever is a second,
an hour and a day.

Forever is until it ends.

So,

Cherish every moment.

I can't sleep
Everytime I remember your words
They snap and recoil
And hurt me awake
Next time when someone
Promises me forever
I'll just smile
Look them in the eyes and ask
How long is forever to you.

The next step
isn't always the best step for you
And this I learnt with experience

Picture me
Standing in front of the train tracks
Thinking of taking a step forward...

The loud chatter
Amidst the silence
The pounding of my heart
The whispering of the wind
The charade of my thoughts
The rustling of the leaves
All bubbling in dilemma

Been down this road before
The spectra of light
The magnificent ambience it creates
Piercing through the depths
To the core of chambray
Now filled with thorns of distaste
Glooming with total darkness
Gnawing at the standing hairs on my skin
I squeak at the emergence of my shadow
The horror holds no bounds

The piercing cries of my pain
In the distance
Screaming for mercy
I still hear
My heart bleeds profusely
Into the crepes of my soul
No
I can’t go back  
A River of tears
Flowing Past the bridge
Forming tributaries along its course
I have to let go

I got to set them free
Erase the blemishes of my sorrow;
The horror of the nights

I got to face the darkness
The fear of the unknown
Choking me to misery
With my shield made of thorns
This is the only way
Running through the storm
With the speed of the light within
Towards the edge of glory
That’s the only way
To be free from the cages
Holding me down

I feel so much for you,
Yet never enough,
How much more
do I need to love you
for my heart
and yours
to be filled; fulfilled.

I've never claimed
to be the kind of strong-
Who stands
in the face of someone
That has caused them pain
And asks, why?
Why do I hurt?
And why are you the source?

All my life,
I've only known
how to withdraw from pain
Like hand to fire
Burnt
but not scorched
Hurting
But hopefully not for long
And that's why I disappear

Everyone talks about
Love and its effects on them
For some, love has made blind
For others, it's the euphoria
For me, it's something unusual
It's made me eat more
And not in the stress eating kind of way
Loving you triggers my hunger hormones
But it's not just the food I want to eat

Wish I washed my breath with ***
That last time I told you twas over for sure
So maybe you would blame it on the bottle
and not on the stony nature of a non-existent heart

Wish I swam in the ocean of whiskey
When I told you I loved you
so maybe you would blame it on the demon
that pushed me in the bottle
and not on the fact that I was incapable of love

But maybe, don't blame me at all
cos i'm certain you wouldn't walk a straight line
if not, how could you have ever trusted
a little child, with a bow and an arrow

Of cos you'd get hurt

...cos as you struggled to hold on to life/ life that was never there for you/ you wouldn't stop smiling / smiling like it's all OK.

I remember spending that last night crying/ crying to shed the pain/ pain I never think I do survive/ survive the night I begged you still.

And now that you are gone I've learnt/ learnt that some of man's losses shape his destiny/ destiny he wouldn't stumble upon otherwise/ otherwise it's not OK that you ain't here/ here to see me become the person you always wished I be.

Gravity is depressing!
I would rather fly
exchange my shoes for a glide
A million places to go
watch me soar
now life's a bit interesting
blissful flips and somersaults
just at times when I'm quite sad
or just because I can
and you can too.

Gravity is depressing;
Gravity is expensive!
Take my car for instance
the one I see in dreams for instance
Or the stress of sending up a satelitte
a job that 10 flying men would enjoy
So it's a yes for space exploration
Would have been easier if
we all went to Mars sometime
visit Saturn for summer
orbiting around it's many rings
of cos there will be a warning around mercury
I hear you might mistake it for the sun

Gravity is boring!

Keep your head up
My father said to me
Young redhead troubled
by the world around me

So when you think I'm nodding
In agreement; I'm sorry
You only misunderstood; I can't
Hear you, you see

When life burdens me and my
Head drops
I bring it back up because
Heads up
That's what my father taught me

Young
Red head
And
Positive

That's the lizard in me.

Let's sit and pretend
Like we haven't lost it all
Everything we built; it's tsunami season afterall
But keep it coming,
you are the wind and I was warned  
Take a sip off of your teacup and smile
like the charming witch you are
Yes witch
Because say whatever you will
Hearts, no matter how broken,
Aren't supposed to hurt like this

I learnt from Nipsey's sad demise
That most times
All it needs for your story to get told
And appreciated
Is just the mere act of dying

So I ask, is there something
You wish to say to me tomorrow
If you hear that I'm no more?

Could you share?
I shouldn't have to die
To feel like I've lived

Please

It's crazy isn't it
Forever started with a hey.
Can you remember what it felt
Did you feel your heart thaw
Or melt.
That call out of the blue
It felt so right
Like you were one out of the crew.
The convos at night
Sleep became a secondary function
I think I've seen the light.
And when I have a bad day
And my heart is broken
You say
If you are sad what would
You have me do and you
Make me laugh
my sorrows away
Not before you would threaten
to mend my heart and beat me
For staying sulky
Now I can't stop laughing.
Laughter may be the best medicine
But you are my physician

If you hear me speak of home,
It is of a place small and tidy:
A desk of half-a-dozen half-read books,
Of neutral colored sheets and cottons,
Of a barely drunk can of water,
Just beside empty cans of cider
Of a mostly empty bed,
My PlayStation and my workstation
A place where my comfort
Is not up for negotiation

We build walls around us and call it home
And why not, that's where we feel safe and secure
But we struggle when the facade fades
And feel alone and why not
A wall around us is still a wall
And while we sometimes act like home is a decision
It's more than safety and comfort
It's about community,
About risks and risk taking
Without which we could never experience the adventure that is life

The rain sounds nice doesn't it?
And all the usually pointless things
That begin to make sense
When I'm with you

Hope
is the lengthy rope
We hang on to
That helps us cope

When all of mine is used up
And all everyone says
Is hang in there

Where exactly do they mean?

How long did it take
For you to realise
The only demons
That were real
Were the ones
Within you.

I'm reading a book about
How to love
I hear at times it starts with a crush
But how do I even begin to
Fall for the idea of a person
Someone most times unrealistic
Grappling with a feeling I have no control over

I think I know what the problem is
I've dug myself into a hole I've forgotten how to get myself out of
I need to keep digging till I can find light in the form of a lover
But my mind has to be receptive of an idea to cultivate it

So here I am, stuck
Trying to make sense of this book about love
When In reality it reads like a book about despair

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in books of fiction
Of life in fiction
Of pain from fiction
A fragment of my being
I am nothing without a book

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in comic books
Whose mind comes alive in their pages
Of heroes and their sidekicks
Of villains and their lovely vile
I am nothing without a book

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in rock as a religion
It's transitions and it's leads
Metal as a denomination
So electric; I come
Alive over and again
I am nothing without my music

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in Mangas
Their Naive heroes and their half clad villains
Their pervasions and their strengths
Their one-on-one battles and defeats
Their awesome storytelling and the twists
I am nothing without my Manga

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in video games
The difficulty levels and their walkthroughs
The vibrations and the boss fights
The sleepless nights and the highs
The shouts of victory and the barrage of curses
I am nothing without my Video games

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in surfing
The endless chasm of the world wide
Web, of knowledge and terrifying ignorance
Of horrors and uplifting humor
From one end to the never ending
I am nothing without the Internet

I am proud to be all of these and more

I Am Nerd.

Sometimes I wish
Hearts had warning labels on them
That showed on faces

Like mine for example
"Soft and fragile
Handle with care"

And yours for example
"Hard and brittle
Don't come any closer"

Othertimes I wish
There was a hard reset
And I could choose
whatever setting I wanted
At different times

In this moment
I hate you
So much
Yet why
Do I miss you
So much more?

I'm in love

I miss writing poems
Painting pictures with my words
Condensing my whole page
of lives lived,
failed love trysts,
into sentences;

Pay witness
To memories rising
From words on a page

My ex always knew
I was gon' leave her
Was it just casual premonition
Or do I have this look that says
Look, he's never gon' stay?
Or are those the same insecurities
That pushed me away?

... In you I found something
But all I ever wanted was nothing

Flushed
Cheeks,
and all things face and pale
Butterflies
Stomach,
and places they have no business breeding
Racing
Heart,
but no ones chasing
Laughter
Loud,
but the joke was missing
Beauty
Eyes,
yet I'm blind, I wasn't even looking.

Love
Makes me feel and see
The things that aren't there
And amplifies
the things that are

And I absolutely surrender
to it's utter violence.

the yearning, unending
the distance, unaffecting
days turning into weeks
all gone in a blur
yet it's you
you are all that I see
dream
and drown in.

Do you know how confounded i get
when i hear you say,
Get out of your comfort zone.
As if Comfort zones weren't meant for comforts, so why would I leave them?
Why should I open up my mind to love and it's complications? Why do I have to?
You persist and insist; you say "what are rules if not to be broken"
To which I reply "why make rules only to break them"
We will never agree not even to disagree
Until the day that I fall in love
And you finally get to say
I told you so
I hope I don't get my heart broken and have to say the same to you.

I'm jealous
Of everything associated
With you
That isn't me.
Like how the sun kisses you each morning
And I haven't even kissed you once
How the wind caresses your skin
Your hair dancing in careless rhythm
How do I have you all to myself?

The baricades on these bridges look so much shorter today
Jump maybe?
And the cars are going fast enough too
Jump don't you think?
The train station is empty
Surely you gotta jump?
It's the 6th floor and there's no one home
No, for real jump?
How scary is it to hear voices when no one's talking?
And when all they say is jump?

Today, I sat by the window in the bus, and the voices told me to Jump.
Today, on the top floor of my office building, I kept hearing them say it; jump.
Today, i went to the beach to cool off; a different voice this time, Jump in, and let the waves end it all for you.
Today I sat within the crowd, and felt like squirming away; my heart thumping away.

Jump.

I didn't feel like staying with people; I wanted to be alone.
But when alone I remember: the misery of my past,  the pain from disappointments, the agony of heartbreak, the missed opportunity, the shame from my illness, and every other miserable thing I could summon.
Or sometimes I don't even remember at all; just an emptiness inside my void.
So Jump?

Today I decided to end it all, I knew I needed help, I was walking out that door, to speak out; to get help.
I needed Attention I didn't want, but I need to do everything to stay alive before I stop wanting to.
Today i decided to not be part of the negative statistic; one of those lost to mental illness and it's perceived ignonymity.
Today
#IamMentallyAware

... She turned to me
with tears in her soulless eyes and asked

Do you know that feeling
That comes with trusting someone
With something so fragile
And they return it in pieces so broken
You tell them to keep it?

That's what you've done with my heart.

Keep it.

I knew I shouldn't have
Bothered with a hello
But you looked so much
Like a memory from my dreams
Like him you hated breakfast
And people, but loved coffee
Your eyes had answers
To questions unasked
And those eyes they
Betrayed my resolve
I was clinically obsessed
But you warned me didn't you
But what's love
without the thrills of the risk
So I carried your cross
Across My chest until
I hanged by it
You had a lot of baggage
And you added my heart to the loot
Now you are no more
But so am I.

They say with written letters,
Your blood takes the color of the ink.

Makes me wonder
Why we don't write them anymore.

Life is sometimes like a basketball game.
Everything you need to make a shot is there
The rims to guide the ball in
the board as a platform for those shots that seem to be going in behind to get back in
Essentially, all you need to do is just to take that shot;
Practise on precision and learn to make use of what's available in your environment.
Do not overlook anything at all.

You are my light
You illuminate my existence

Take it from me
I've been to hell and back
The ghost of the choices
I made in the past
Come haunting
My dreams, day and night
Taunting
Unrelenting
Even as I wallowed  
In utter contentment
How could I not be
When all I've known
Is the dark


Take it from me
The only thing that's positive
About the dark
Is how much it helps you
Appreciate the light
Never again opting
For the dead
Among the living

You are my light,
The way your soul reflects upon mine
Drying up my fears
Giving meaning to my living -

- You illuminate my existence.

The mistake
You made
Was In thinking
That I could
Live without you
And yes I Breathe
But I'm dead

Curse the times I say,
When our laughters become spoken words
LOL
The demise of the beauty that is unspoken joy.

I think you ruined me for myself

I think you ruined me for everyone

Waking up to your smiles no longer

Now I'm in desperate despair

I think the new one looks like you

Petite, dark hair, lightskinned

But she doesn't laugh the same as

You, doesn't half make me feel

The way you made me too

Maybe the next one will be better

Maybe no one ever will be different

Enough to be you

I know you've ruined me

But I would do it over and again

With you

Invest
Don't invest
Invest
Don't invest
Thoughts
Like a pendulum
Self-pity
Why do we lose people
We have given everything for
Anger
Not going to happen again
I'm done giving value
To people
who only value themselves
Grief
My heart's dressed
In black, I imagine
Mourning all the time spent
Giving away much of me
To someone who would one day say,
thank you, but I didn't ask you to
Acceptance
That there's nothing abnormal about people leaving
It's when they stay
That's a miracle
People leave, people always leave
And those left behind
Are left to pick up the pieces
Of lessons learnt
Distrust,
Hearts, buried in Ice
A Normal response
To a normal life event
A growth process even

Never to invest, ever again
Loss made me do it
Loss made me this way

I think
That the least talked about
Thing about heartbreaks
But one of the most painful
Are all the songs lost in the process
Because they bring back
Memories best left
Forgotten

Because love is a type of ******

...a sacrifice of self for another.