14
And all I could think about
Were names and their invention
And application
Who told y'all about male
And female names
And why we always have
To complicate even the little things
Like meet my girlfriend
James; and my brother
Elsie; but humans
Forever stereotyping
Till we are six-feet no more

I've always been afraid I wouldn't see 30. It felt like a long trek to a promise, even though for much of it I felt lost, struggled, made mistakes, Continuously tried to take my life, and caused others pain and scars in the process.

I've always looked forward to 30. It felt like a time for me to stop and take stock of my journey in life; A time for me to look forward and forgive, and hope to be forgiven too. A moment of accountability to tick off all the goals I've reached and set new ones.

Far from perfect, I'm not even trying to be. Not fulfilled, not even close to it. But that's the thing about growth isn't it? It's a continuous process and the greatest gift to myself with this new year is to acknowledge that and keep going, keep learning and keep growing.

I was 8
Breaktimes at school were the best
I remember the small field-not-pitch
Where we played football
Not as a game of 22 players
and referees and rules
It was a game of 44;
No, 46 self acclaimed stars
It was a game of the whole school
Everybody against everybody
Indiscriminate of ***
Or skill
Of height differences or body frame
Tackled by your teammates for dribbling too much
You could pick up the ball and run
Rugby style to the opposition post
Then kick to score and most likely, miss
Or get mobbed even before you get to the post
It was all so exciting;
Such disorganization;
So much fun.

I was 9
House wasn't really home
Home was at grandmas
Tales by moonlight meant More
Than the world; all the world I knew

Gathered under the shed at night
Moon or not
Story night must go on
The other kids swarmed
In mini circles
Breaking kernel, not me though;
All I did was eat them

The tortoise was my favorite
Albeit a fictional cun,
the tales did justice
To his poise, and I started
To believe that slow was good
Slow and wise was the vogue
At the expense of the arrogant dog

The lion was my favorite villain
Loved him for his hair and voice
"The lion said to the tortoise" right?
Of cos he had a voice, how else
Would he have spoken?

All too often my thoughts go back
to those times
when 9 wasn't just my age
But a time for tales

Day and night,
All I think about
Is you,

Apparently
You feel the same way too

Cos all you think about
Is you.

Woke up this morning with a screaming headache
It’s 6am and I have to be at work by 8am
Feeling like I didn’t get enough sleep but have I ever?
Say a short prayer, that should make it all okay
I clean up as fast as I can,
but not without hurting my gums while brushing
Maybe once I had something to eat, it would all be better
Opened the fridge and the crate of egg falls off, Hol’up
I wanted scrambled eggs but not in this manner for sure
Aaahhh, I need some tea even though coffee would be ideal
But I did run out yesterday. Sigh.
Water’s boiling and I’m trying to get some of it into a cup
But the kettle cover falls off and the hot water spills on my hands
Burning me; today surely isn’t my day is it?
Tea’s ready, but I’m running late now, so I’m taking it to work
Got into the car, humming a feel good tune and sipping tea
Returning the cup to the holder now and again
Then I hit an unfortunate gallop, and the tea spills all over the car
It’s exactly 7.30am and my whole day looks like the mess in the car
I get to the office, couldn’t clean up the car, traffic enroute, made sure
I was more than 5 minutes late; I sign the register before the lateness line
Is ruled; something relatively good yeah? Yeah?
I’m walking to my office door, and somehow the key to my office breaks as I’m
Trying to open the door, no kidding.
They say they will fix it later and I pitch in one of the other empty offices
I’m on my desk, slow day so not much to do
Loud crashing sound, I’m awake and hurting on the office floor
Cos apparently I dosed off and fell off my chair
It’s not until break time and even more, the absurd amusing gazes I’m getting
That I realize I’m wearing different legs from two different shoes colored differently
And of cos my pants got torn at the back from the fall earlier.
Imagine how I looked and to think the day was only half spent.
Where could I have possibly gone wrong today?!

Food isn't my first hunger
And nights aren't for sleep alone
There's so much in my head to ponder
Like why you are where you are
and I am left to sleep alone.

Let's talk about the unexpected
That infectious Joy of yours
And the unrelenting manner
You speak about the things
I'd rather not hear about
Like love
and other drugs
The stolen glances;
Those aren't the only things
You've gotten to steal
The strange space on my shoulder
The one you left there even after
I told you not to forget a thing
And then the dent you've left
In my resolve
Not to love or believe in its futility
But you look at me and say
"Don't worry, your great Wall
Is still intact"
I hope that I'm strong
Enough to retain hope
That i'd be strong enough, yet
You've left me weak enough
To hope that I'm not strong enough
To resist all the uncertainty you bring
And hope you are the one to take me
To my ninth of clouds

Do you see me at all
When I come home stressed
Wishing you could kiss away
the frown on my fore
And hug away the stress
I know you see the hunger in my eyes
If only you'd run me a hot bath
to calm my nerves
and squeeze my hands with a smile
I know you won't, but I wish you could

I know you hear me
When I talk about my fears and worries
If only you do listen with a smile
And let me know you've got my back
Hold my head to your chest as I vent
I know you won't, but I wish you could

You laugh when I laugh
Your voice resonates in songs
and your dance is infectious
You laugh uncontrollably
at my jokes and teasing
And hit me with the pillow
when I'm not looking
I know you want to let go
I know You won't, but I wish you could

You say you believe me
when I say
I love you; I need you
Sade means nothing,
and she really doesn't
You say you trust me
You should be saying
I love you too
But you won't, and I wish you could

Cos when I say I'm stressed,
you think I'm being manipulating
When I express my fears and worries,
you think I'm playing mind games
When I'm happy,
you think it's cos there's another
And when I talk
about my love for you,
you think it's cos
I'm hiding something else
Oftentimes It feels like
you want to let go
Every other time I see the futility
of trying to set you free
You could set yourself free,
but would you?

... Because love is the opposite of easy.

Night-times with you
Star-gazing at the skies
Red crimson moon and rainbow colored stars
Those dark times were the best

All of a sudden; yet inevitable
the moon disappears
the stars too
What is this sad blight
The morbid feeling
Of évil in light
Irony's come to play

The light comes and my dreams elope
With the darkness; And you with them
How Beautiful and equally perplexing
My darkness in light

Around you,
I guard my breath,
with chains and locks,
I keep losing them;
you keep stealing them.

I can't always hold it in

even the coolest
Of people
Lose it now and then
here and there

I have hope
Serving as strength inside of me

it comes out in strands of positivity
Especially in the midst of pain
A smile within the recession

I'm not done, yet

I've only lost but a few

Even the times I'm stressed out
And it's obvious on my demeanor
It's Ok
I'm Ok

I'm still standing

It may not be how it used to be
but maybe it's true

There's always a beauty;
An art to be found
in abandoned ruins

1
2
3
4
5
That's the number
of bottles it takes
For me to remember
I hate just how you taste
5
4
3
2
1
That's how many
seconds it takes
for me to forget
And reach out for you
Never once
Stopping to think
"You are bad for me"

Where men have treaded and failed before
And the world has given you no chance at all
There you shall find light and wings to fit
And fly into the horizon where no boundaries abound
Just the sun, the wind and success at arm's length
But only if you Believe.

Broken vases, broken glasses
The only thing that isn't shattered
Is my mind and it's lit
Up in flames, smoked; in hades
No shades, no streams
Of what my life could possibly be
If you didn't opt and leave
This world; no joy, remains
Of peace, of mind, with you
I was incomplete and just perfect.

As a child
One of my biggest morning fears
Was, having soap in my eyes
Now an adult,
Among other fears
that come with the dawn
Is that of waking up
On an utterly important day of my life
And somehow
not being able to get out of bed
Stuck, Staring at the ceilings for stars...

One of the most consistent lessons
I've learnt
With life and living is that
There are a couple
More things that are
As certain
As constant
As change;

The sun will always come up
And people will always let you down

I want a house with walls, two windows and a door
Says the child who never lived in one before

I want to know what red feels like
Says the child who was born blind

I want to know what clean water tastes like
Says the child who has lived in drought

I just want a home, some food, water and some color
But another name for the universe is chaos
And we are expected to be content
Afterall, all it ever promised us, was life
And even that is never guaranteed.

I want a house with walls, two windows and a door
Says the child who never lived in one before

I want to know what red feels like
Says the child who was born blind

I want to know what clean water tastes like
Says the child who has lived in drought

I just want a home, some food, water and some color
But another name for the universe is chaos
And we are expected to be content
Afterall, all it ever promised us, was life
And even that is never guaranteed.

Pictures of us on my wall
Remind me that you're gone
So, I take them down to burn
Now the empty Walls won't let me be
Now, they remind me of a time you were in
The picture on the wall and my future
And that I'm still stuck chasing
The shadow of your ghost.

I've never claimed
To be the kind of strong-
Who stands
In the face of someone
That has caused them pain
And asks, why?
Why do I hurt?
And why are you the source?

Colour view;
Only just
Found out how much
This sounds like
I love you
It's convenient isn't it
For our forbidden kind of love
That we find other ways to say
I love you

Colour view too
Mouthed and air kissed to you
For all the times you feel guilty
For loving me
But deep in love
too much with me
That you can't help
But try to say it
I get it
At least it reads like
I love you

Colour view always
It doesn't matter to me
Or you, how we say it
When you are in love
The only thing that matters
Is that the other person
Knows it too
Regardless
of how it's said.

Colour view forever.

I did think we were a match
Made in heaven
And like a match
Made in heaven
Only you can light up this fire
That burns deep in my soul

I stayed in the shower
for 2 hours last night,
until the running water outnumbered my tears.
Congratulations, you've brought the pain back, and with it, my poetry.

Good riddance,
Farewell
Or not.

Just how long
Did it take you to learn the reality
That
The sky doesn't turn black
The sun doesn't stop giving light
And it's you that's moving
Around the equator of life
It's just how nature will have it
Does that make it more acceptable?

As we travel the path of life
Dawn is assured
No matter how long
The dark of the night lingers
And no one person
Is a monopoly of
Good and bad days
It's just how nature will have it

I hate it here, she started
I hate it everywhere
I'd like to seize
To exist as a human - as if
We were ever given that option
I think to myself - I'd rather be
The clouds or the wind
She continues

Wind. I interject
I like the wind
Moving as I wish
Never a dull moment
Throwing down a few silly kids
Who don't give a **** anyway;
I add for comic relief.
I'd never imagine you as the wind
I say,
Why not? Ash asks - making a playful face - Well,
You look like you can handle your storms
and sunny days
Never the kind to be bothered

Haha, Ash laughs
I think the clouds have
A magical wonder to them
Sitting pretty
Chilling all day
Only stressed when it rains or thunderstorms
And still come out even prettier
When it all passes
But you, you will definitely pass for the wind.

Everyone thinks

I have the perfect smile

But no one stops

To check

If it's real

So it must be true

Crooked Smiles

Tell it all.

We are the same
But different
Made up of the same parts
Yet unique
In our different pieces
And when we crumble
We crumble differently

When I was a child
I saw dark clouds gathering
For the first time in my life
On a hot afternoon
Shielding me
From the sun's unforgiving heat
I thought it so beautiful
And a miracle
Even though seconds later
The rains came
And the thunder too

Now an adult
The only dark cloud I see
Is you
Dark
Beautiful
A miracle even
But with as much rain
maybe; even more thunder

Please help with an answer...


... What does it mean for us
If my fear of losing her
Is more than my love for her?

I once got an inspiration
for a poem about depression

fingers, once excited to hold a pen
lingered over my notepad, unsure

confused by the topic in question
I felt myself get irritated enough
to put the idea to pension

writing used to be fun; not anymore
and so began my days and days and nights
of falling into unnecessary self-written traps

sleepless nights and yawning dawns later
and a few random tears for no reason that I could cater

I realized I was already writing it

DEPRESSION IS NOT A MYTH.



#IamMentallyAware

As I lay here in bed
Reminiscing about the past few days
I think of the way your voice
Cracked last night and
How it broke me to bits
As if I wasn't already shattered and in pain
Because every time you hurt
I feel it all, along with my own pain
Can we never fight?

My days are not the same when
You aren't happy; and I usually stay
Away, not because I'm enjoying it
But cos I don't want to acknowledge the fact
That again, I've made you cry
And it kills me even more because
I am not there with you, physically
To dry your eyes and kiss each drop of tear
To hug you and hold you
And kiss you with the kind
Of force and fervor
That says all of these things at once
That I love you more than life itself
That I miss you more than words can say
And I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you.

Discover within yourself
The whole truth.
Because truth be told,
That half truth
Is nothing but a lie too

How did it feel to say I do?
The rush of blood to the head,
The whirlwind of emotions,
The walk down the aisle.

What was going on in your head
Even as you said your wows
And the I love yous
And the right backs
Where has all that feeling gone
Now, that you are fighting to be gone

Vows are what they shouldn't be
Words, with echoes after, without heart; ceremonial
For better for worse didn't you say?
So stop being a wuss and fix it eh?

Lose your doubts, not your partner

For the first time
In a long time
I looked at the mirror
And saw myself
Or a reflection
Of what's left of my shadow
And I realized
Life is a soundless song
And I have forgotten
How to dance
To its tune

There you are, sitting, feeling pretty
And I can't breathe
... Not because of you though
My sinuses are just blocked

I used to wake up sweating
On cold winter nights
From nightmares
Of demons past
Then you came
And my dreams returned
Of flowers and beautiful endings
You promised they would last
Then you left
And I fell apart
In a sea of questions
How did My saving grace
Become my sleepless nights?
How can you take away my nightmare
And replace it with another?

At night
I dread the empty space
On my bed
That you left
But Dawn
Comes with a reminder
Of the dread
That your existence
Assured

Dreams.

There's one and the other

The one I'm chasing and

The one I'm being chased in

I don't bother about sleep these days

My dreams wake me up anyway

And it's not the one I'm being chased in...

How ironic
... That at night, my dreams keep me awake.

I thought for a moment, maybe more
That you could be the one
When we spoke, my heart
It responded in rhythmic murmurs
And I danced to the joy of the possibility
Of me and you
But now, it's goodbye
Before we even try
Farewell
Have a good life.

She was survived by a husband
two kids and a dog
Yes she lived with an animal
Check the first line for some clue

She was survived by her friends
Some who she lost
When she wouldn't go
And her family
Who made her stay
So that people don't say

She was survived by her Instagram page
And her pictures of a perfect home
Like things were so goal
And her pride never let her go

Here she lies in wait
But all she had to do was leave.

Eclipse
The only time I get your attention
For real, I try
Can't say I don't
Littering all over the ocean's bed
Light that wasn't even mine to give
Even as I take several shapes
To get your genuine attention
Not just because you are a werewolf
That's about to turn
Or cos the month's about to end
Or cos you are
getting fed up with the fast
But because for once I cover
Your precious sun
It doesn't yet make up
for those nights
where the sun denies me
and you of its light

The legend of the elements
And their evidence in our living

The earth, our home
Of it we are made; To it we go back

The air that we breath
Without it we wouldn't live

The water in our throats
Life giver, life saver

The fire in our eyes
In our bones to keep us warm

I swam all the way
To the bottom
Of the bottle
And the next
Then the next bottle
Looking for relief
But all I found was more emptiness
And then it drowned me

And if you speak to me about hell
I will tell you and I will say
I've been there,
Hell,
I was born there.

And if you ask me how I know for sure
I will tell you and I will say
All the demons are here
Hell,
There's more than one devil too

Hell is here
Hell is home.

Not sure who you've become or who
You claim to be
Stuck between your shadows
And your unraveling
Begging to be seen by all but
Yourself, life couldn't have been better
Looking in from outside.
Dressed in irony and brass hope
Crowning yourself with filters
Uncrowning your endowments for all to see
Steadily wishing away that part of you
That everyone sees but you
Your heart is all I'll long for
All I'll be looking to spend the eter' with.

What does it feel like to be brokenhearted
A question for an answer I've never sought
Til' that night at your place for dinner
When you said it was over for real this time

The heart does need time to break
Endless nights of wondering
If this was meant to be, but hoping
Love's a conqueror when it's for real

I loved you, but what about me
That's why I will never get over
The way my stomach felt As I stood up to leave, The process didn't start tonight

I couldn't breathe; the back of my eyes were burning and I couldn't help but scream; nor would I ever know if it was deep inside or vocal
as my heart drowned in the sea of its tears as blood

What does it feel like to be brokenhearted; I won't say that I know still
As though the pain might let up; but the scars, they never go away

Now I just wonder, if she felt the same or worse
The she that I hurt before there wasn't you
Even as I drown in the sea of my own Karma

Ever heard of teardrops
That shattered a heart
A story of love
and the pain that accompanies it.

We started like a fire
A Stray from its path
I wasn't sure about our direction
Didn't know it would turn out so

I'm not here for long I told you
But you gave me your heart anyways
And mine came unstuck and
Followed you

In your hands it turned from stone
To ice, to glass
Delicate but beautiful and ready
Just like yours
To be adored; To be broken

Now I'm leaving but not for good
You still have my heart you see

But that didn't stop the tears and
From you they came
In drops of sadness
As I held you close to my heart

Now I'm left to tell the story
of how teardrops
Fell on my now delicate heart
Shattering it.

Ever heard of teardrops
That shattered the heart?
I wish it was fiction
I wish it was fiction.