It is time
To listen to my body
To not over ride her
She knows the way
And I am willing to be led

There are things I cannot put into words
Things about myself
Feelings I feel

Why are some things so tricky for me
Seeing people
Being with people
Interactions with parents

A protective shield that stops me sharing this with people
A pride that says I can deal with it
You won't get it

Underneath a longing
To be truly known

No need to understand
In this moment I feel no kindness
No desire to reach out
Disowned anger
Needing to be owned and embodied
Holding just as much wisdom within it as love
Letting anger, rage and numbness teach me
Slowly revealing their gifts
The refugee aspects of the psyche
Needing to be felt
They have lived repressed
Locked up in the dungeon of conditioning
Labeled as unacceptable
Opening to anger, rage and numbness
Welcoming them home to my heart

I wish I could make contact
I don't want this
Trying to stay strong
To not crack and reach for you
To stay true to what we said
To dig into my motives
Question my intentions
For reaching out
Simply I miss you
I hate no contact - it makes me want it all the more
I don't want it to be like this
Can you hear me
Can you feel me

At times her crazy feels like a particular brand of crazy
Unique to her
Soul and ego battling it out
Ego bows to soul
Held in the complete embrace of the heart

I notice the group of homeless people I see every morning
However this morning they are fully involved in some sort of drama
I notice how one man puts his arm around the other man
I notice the humanness, the support, the love and care

I notice the woman with the **** on her back
It pushes her fully forward so she can't see the sky
I notice her and her husband walking along by the sea
I notice how he is holding her hand
The sight fills my eyes with tears
I hope they go and drink a coffee and share a slice of carrot cake
I hope he kisses her cheek and tells her he loves her
I imagine a blanket of love enveloping them both

I notice the woman with the gold sandals and bunch of floweres sticking out her bag
I notice her dishevelled hair and clothes
I sense her aloness
Her sandals and floweres make me smile
I hope they make her smile too

The moments of beauty
The human need for love, beauty and support
These moments are all around
Within the sadness and dark realities
They are there
The magic is there

Be open to my closedness
Resistance comes in many forms
Fear – is my resistance fear?
Fear of opening up, fear of going too far
Write, just write it all down
How it felt when she kissed my head and thanked me
Thanked me for speaking, for sharing
How it feels having a blanket placed over me
How it feels to have found a tribe
How to stay with self?
Just like this – by doing it
Answerable to no-one
Nothing to prove to anyone.
Relationship with men comes from relationship to father?
Don’t let them see all of me
Keep the wild, the introvert, the poetic soulful side back
Fit in with them, how they want me to behave
Don’t ask the challenging questions
Don’t hurt them
Don’t bring up hurtful topics
Don’t leave him – it will hurt him
Is it hurting me to stay?
Still don’t know
The other is constantly there.
Think of the possibility merely the possibility of resistance becoming connection
Don’t have to understand that sentence – don’t make sense of it
Merely consider the possibility.
Resistance becoming connection.
Can feel my mind working out the time, thinking about food
It’s all fine, observe the thoughts, don’t attach
The medicine is working, it is working
Don’t have to do anything
Go with the rhythm, trust the inner rhythm.
I can feel me here – no past, no future, just me.

I want you to love me so bad
I don't want to admit this
Not even to myself
I don't understand it
I try to push the need away
It's ridiculous
Why do I care if you love me or not
But I do care
And I feel you don't
I feel you are angry at me
Or worse you are disinterested in me
You don't see me
And that really hurts
I don't know what to do
Don't know how to play this game
You represent mother
That is becoming clear
You are not my mother
You do not hold my key
I hold my key
I can love and mother myself the way I needed
Comforting my inner child
Loving her, meeting her, holding her

Radical self responsability
Stop trying to get him to
Exercise
Meditate
Read books
Feel purpose
Move every day
Stop stop stop
It's not my jounrey
Not my fight
Come home
Fight the only fight I can
Which is the fight in my own heart
My own being
Trust that everyone is on their own journey
Live true to self
Never compromise your heart
Can't make someone else wake up
It wastes your precious life energy
Their journey is theirs
Let them live it
And you live yours

Sweet sweet nectar of surrender
Of arriving home
Of peace
Of a nervous system coming to rest
Of hot tears that anoint and wash clean
That hold close the little one
Serious in her purple jacket
Beautiful
And so alone
Never inside
But outside
In a barren land
Of not being understood
Those big eyes
Taking it all in
Those big serious soulful eyes
That can now rest
Can now turn within
She could not stand the harshness
The discord
The loudness
The ugliness
The vulgarity
She wanted to vanish
From those lunch tables
It disgusted every part of her
That needed beauty
Harmony
Quiet
She needed peaceful gentle holding and seeing
For her sensitivity to be noticed
To be cupped like a butter cup
Softly, gently
Allowing the sun to bathe her in its golden rays
Her life has been a journey to those rays
Those nourishing rays
The warmth of the sun
The simplicity of alone
Of peaceful quiet and sweet surrender
Yes darling yes
Her exile was her becoming

Wishing I'd waited
Paused for a second
Stood still
Gave you a chance
I couldn't of known you'd come
But how I wish I'd waited
Breathe
I have a choice you point out
I don't feel like I do
I feel the longer I am here the more entwined with another I become
The further the distance between you and I
I'm scared you meet someone
I know you need to
It's only fair
I want you to have that
But I want it to be with me
I know you want that to
I have the choice you say
I wish I didn't
Reading your poems
How your past is a hurricane
How we lay together with our child playing bare foot under the moon
These images cut deep into me
I want to hear it all

Let it pass through
Let it wash over
Feel it, write it
Live it
Be it.
Don’t hold it, stuck inside
Taste it, feel it, trust it
Let go of the holding
Know that it is real
How I feel, who I am
Is real.
Express it
Give it voice little one
Release that which is not mine to hold
Release that which is not mine.

Am I where I am supposed to be?
Am I on the right path?
Am I serving those I am meant to serve?
Am I loving who I am meant to love?
You think there is a right and wrong child
There is no right or wrong
There is moment by moment alignment
Moment by moment alignment
Feeling in this moment does it feel true
Not oh is there somewhere else I’m meant to be
Someone else I’m meant to be with
Those thoughts takes you away from NOW
Right here, right now is the place
Where you are is exactly where you are meant to be
Commit to each moment
Commit to this place
Love all in
Show up fully and watch as your life becomes an offering
As it becomes what it is meant to become
Meet each moment
Meet the being who is in front of you
And love and laugh and dance
And do all the things that bring you joy
Let go of worrying if you are where you are meant to be
Let go of worrying about am I reading and writing enough
Truth is you love to read and write
It won’t go, it can’t be lost
Even if it’s clouded over for a bit
It cannot be lost
It’s right there
When you can you’ll come to it
Trust the process
Trust it all
Everything that is happening
Everything that has ever happened
And everything that will ever happen
Is in service of the greatest good
It’s bigger than you can comprehend
Trust in that which you cannot see

Help
To the girl with so much inside her
Hang on
Hang on child
That bigness
That desire
That longing
Give it space
Let it breathe

Desire, longing, intensity
What's beneath it?
I don't know

Catches my breath

What's he doing?
He is doing/ creating/building so much

I want to, I want to create my own thing

Scared my creativity is vanishing
It's not Sasha
You're ok, you're ok

As she screamed
Everything she knew fell away
As she screamed
She screamed herself into a new reality
As she screamed and screamed and screamed
Every old outdated insidious pattern let go
She screamed her way to freedom
She screamed until it all cracked
All the thoughts and questions and fears cracked
Her scream penetrated everything
She screamed and screamed and screamed
Until she was empty
Empty of everything she had ever swallowed down
Empty of every unsaid
Empty of the rage and terror and the desire to hurt
Empty
Empty
Empty

for the first time i can see
how it was all about me
my needs, my wants, my fears, my insecurities
a constantly questioning mind
throwing up reasons why our love couldn't sustain
fear driven, faulty programming that couldn't trust
couldn't allow love to deepen and unfold
heart break and loss have cracked me
tears on top of tears have washed me clean
i now see through myself
how it was ego needs and wants
killing the love and possibility of the present moment
fear driven
instead of love driven
my manipulating grasping ego has been shattered
leaving love, no more fear, no more defenses

i love you
without a need to be with you
i love you

regardless of outcome
i love you

I want to stay
I thought you were going to be the one to show me how
I thought that despite everything
You were going to love me enough to stay

I thought that you would see through my self sabotaging *******
That you would understand the truth
Which is that I don't know how to stay
To stay is terrifying
To leave is my default
Leave you before you have a chance to hurt me

Show me how to stay
Don't let me back away
Keep coming for me
Keep loving me
And I promise you all my ******* would melt away
Like snowflakes
The ******* would evaporate

I'm with a new lover
One who loves me in a way my soul has longed for
He pulls me close
And their your face is
Swimming into my consciousness
I no longer try and push you away
Instead I let you be there
Hoping that by not pushing you out my mind
You will eventually stop appearing
When I'm alone I kiss your cheeks in my mind
Touching the white flowers I let the tears stream down my cheeks

Surrender angel
Feel the love
Feel the heart break
Feel the heartbreak of regret
       For hurting someone you love

it's when the sun goes down
and the end of the day approaches
that she wants nothing more
than to be cosy on your couch
tucked up under a blanket
whilst you do your thing
sitting crossed legged on your kitchen counter
chatting breeze whilst you cook onion rings
when you come lay with her on the magic couch
take off happens
she’s transported
exquisite peace and happiness
kitten curled up on the heater with a belly full of cream, utterly safe, utterly content
at peace with the world
no where she'd rather be

sun down, the time now, is when she struggles
her being reaches out into the night for you
despite these feelings rising and falling
she’s digging deep
learning to stay with herself
hold herself
it's not the same
she can't pretend it is

she's aware enough to see the dark gift
she needed to be alone
to learn to not be afraid of the dark
but the truth is
she’s not built for alone
she’s destined to be the kitten who got the cream
curled up beside you on the magic couch
paw to paw
ready for take off

When I message you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that messages
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all

I choose to wait and allow my love for you its full term
I choose to wait before jumping into the arms of the next great distraction
I choose to be the person I would want to be with

What is in you is meant to be expressed
Needs to be expressed
For self and other
Undamn the ****
Let the words flow

She is yours and you are hers
Why pretend otherwise
Be with her
Take a gamble
I have a feeling it will be the best bet of your life

What can I give
Not what can I get
What can I give
Live from soul
Not ego
Trust in love
Not fear

Jelly fish sting in the day
Awakened in the night
Terror
I'm going to die
Guilt coursed through me
What if I die and he reads those messages
He would be heart broken
I couldn't live with that
That is no longer who I am
Truth, Love, Liberation
Is what I stand for
What I embody
It was a gift showing me where I was out of alignment
In the light of day the mind rationalises
In the dead of night
The truth rang blaringly clear