Am I crazy or awakening?
Coming alive or loosing grip
Will I get what I want?
Truth, love, contentment, peace, eroticism
Eyes open
He wants fantasy to energise life
I want life to be energising
Life to be ******
I am showing up
I show up
Folllow folllow follow
The re enlivened desire to message
Not the same charge
Don't give your power away
See it all
Feel it all
Let go

I dare you to email me
I dare you to message and put yourself on the line
I dare you to take a ******* risk and send a message
I won't
Not this time

Radical self responsability
Stop trying to get him to
Exercise
Meditate
Read books
Feel purpose
Move every day
Stop stop stop
It's not my jounrey
Not my fight
Come home
Fight the only fight I can
Which is the fight in my own heart
My own being
Trust that everyone is on their own journey
Live true to self
Never compromise your heart
Can't make someone else wake up
It wastes your precious life energy
Their journey is theirs
Let them live it
And you live yours

I want you to love me so bad
I don't want to admit this
Not even to myself
I don't understand it
I try to push the need away
It's ridiculous
Why do I care if you love me or not
But I do care
And I feel you don't
I feel you are angry at me
Or worse you are disinterested in me
You don't see me
And that really hurts
I don't know what to do
Don't know how to play this game
You represent mother
That is becoming clear
You are not my mother
You do not hold my key
I hold my key
I can love and mother myself the way I needed
Comforting my inner child
Loving her, meeting her, holding her

It is painful to love you
Your face
Your brightness
Your energy
Your sensitivity
Your playfulness
Your aliveness
Your curious questioning way of being in the world

I could never get inside you
Never felt you open to me fully
Never felt able to open to you fully
I so wanted to
In *** we could

I believe I am everything you could want

At the station
I thought you saw me
Thought we were playing hide and seek
Then I looked again
You were chatting and laughing with the coffee girl
I had your attention and then I didn't
Another had it instead
I felt worthless in that moment
Confused and young
Having to wait whilst you flirted
It wasn't ok for me
Unable to name my hurt
Unable to grasp what I felt in that moment
Ashamed and embarrassed
I said nothing
But inside it hurt
I don't quite understand why
But I recognize this place
It is a familiar feeling for me with you

When I email you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that emails
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all

What is in you is meant to be expressed
Needs to be expressed
For self and other
Undamn the ****
Let the words flow

There are things I cannot put into words
Things about myself
Feelings I feel

Why are some things so tricky for me
Seeing people
Being with people
Interactions with parents

A protective shield that stops me sharing this with people
A pride that says I can deal with it
You won't get it

Underneath a longing
To be truly known

Help
To the girl with so much inside her
Hang on
Hang on child
That bigness
That desire
That longing
Give it space
Let it breathe

Desire, longing, intensity
What's beneath it?
I don't know

Catches my breath

What's he doing?
He is doing/ creating/building so much

I want to, I want to create my own thing

Scared my creativity is vanishing
It's not Sasha
You're ok, you're ok

It's ok to miss people
It's ok to miss them
Let yourself feel it
Feel it all
Open wide don't push it down
Don't push it away
Allow the feeling
I miss you
What is this missing?
Let go of needing to know
Allow it when it comes
Alow the love, the missing and the longing
Allow the regret
And the disappointment
Allow it all
Welcome this feeling
Give it a home
Give it expression
Do not suppress or judge it
People touched your life
They touched your heart
Allow it
Don't make it wrong
Don't try and wrap it up as if you understand
Let go of needing to understand
Allow the mystery
Allow it to flow
I love
I miss
I feel
Nothing needs to be done
Open up and allow it expression
Allow it to bring you alive
They mattered to me
They deeply mattered to me
And I miss them

She said imagine yourself fully self expressed
See yourself on stage reading your poems
See yourself in that sweet vulnerable spot
Where you can feel the world
And the world can feel you
That excruciatingly painful beautiful spot where you are seen
Fully seen
She said take all that desire you feel and channel it into creating
Do the scary thing
And watch how your life opens up
Dream the future
Don't live in the past

Jelly fish sting in the day
Awakened in the night
Terror
I'm going to die
Guilt coursed through me
What if I die and he reads those messages
He would be heart broken
I couldn't live with that
That is no longer who I am
Truth, Love, Liberation
Is what I stand for
What I embody
It was a gift showing me where I was out of alignment
In the light of day the mind rationalises
In the dead of night
The truth rang blaringly clear

Am I where I am supposed to be?
Am I on the right path?
Am I serving those I am meant to serve?
Am I loving who I am meant to love?
You think there is a right and wrong child
There is no right or wrong
There is moment by moment alignment
Moment by moment alignment
Feeling in this moment does it feel true
Not oh is there somewhere else I’m meant to be
Someone else I’m meant to be with
Those thoughts takes you away from NOW
Right here, right now is the place
Where you are is exactly where you are meant to be
Commit to each moment
Commit to this place
Love all in
Show up fully and watch as your life becomes an offering
As it becomes what it is meant to become
Meet each moment
Meet the being who is in front of you
And love and laugh and dance
And do all the things that bring you joy
Let go of worrying if you are where you are meant to be
Let go of worrying about am I reading and writing enough
Truth is you love to read and write
It won’t go, it can’t be lost
Even if it’s clouded over for a bit
It cannot be lost
It’s right there
When you can you’ll come to it
Trust the process
Trust it all
Everything that is happening
Everything that has ever happened
And everything that will ever happen
Is in service of the greatest good
It’s bigger than you can comprehend
Trust in that which you cannot see

She reached out her hand to him
Her inner child
Reaching for his
Come with me
We’ll adventure and play  
We’ll dance and make love under the stars
Give me your hand
I know you’ve been hurt
Let me love you
Let me show you how good it can be
There’s nothing to fear
Only fear itself
Let love lead, let love lead

I don’t know how to be happy
How do I reach that place
Of peace, of contentment, of purpose, of love
You have to feel it to create it
I don’t feel it
And I don’t know how to
I’m bored with feeling this way
Like a trapped animal
Desperate to get out
But out to where I don’t know
I feel trapped
Trapped inside myself
Sad and confused
Lost and emotional
What is my why
Love, love is my why
I’m in service to love
**** it’s hard to hold onto that
Keep going
Through it all
Keep going child
It will get easier

The time has come
On this Aquarius new moon
As my blood prepares to flow
My tears tell me so
Time now to draw a line in the sand
To no longer carry the weight of the past
The time is now
The future is calling
Draw a line in the sand
Be free, be joyful
Kiss what was and set it free
Honour the love and the lessons
Written on my soul
Carried in my heart
Forever grateful
Forever changed

I speak
I really want to listen
To hear your heart
What it needs to feel safe
How it’s been hurt
And what it needs to heal
Turn toward me in the dead of night
Whisper your secrets
Let me learn you
All of you
To hear what you don’t say

My mama
gifted with a gift
dream weaver
deep seer
her soul called into the night for a long time
with no promise of retribution
her longing has been met
in the most beautiful, surprising, life affirming way
the mystery that she has so bravely courted and opened to
is now welcoming her home

Crawling in beside you
wrapping my body around yours
forehead to forehead
under the covers
feeling your breath
smelling your smell
lips reaching for each other
your tongue finds mine
tears of longing and elation stream down our cheeks
you pull me even closer
I surrender in your arms
my heart whispers
no more fight
let me stay here
I choose you
these eyes, this nose, this mouth, these arms, these hands
no other
let these be mine
let me be yours
give up the fight baby
stop keeping love at a distance
let the walls come down
let me love you home

No need to understand
In this moment I feel no kindness
No desire to reach out
Disowned anger
Needing to be owned and embodied
Holding just as much wisdom within it as love
Letting anger, rage and numbness teach me
Slowly revealing their gifts
The refugee aspects of the psyche
Needing to be felt
They have lived repressed
Locked up in the dungeon of conditioning
Labeled as unacceptable
Opening to anger, rage and numbness
Welcoming them home to my heart

Deep dark volatile rage
Nothing more to do
Don't make me be nice anymore
I want to rip your face off
To call out the smiles
And the niceness
Mine and yours
Give me something more truthful
More honest
More real
Bravery
Show yourself
Get on your knees and show me
Show me through your actions
**** your words
**** your excuses
Let them burn
Let it all burn
And then lets see what is left.

When I message you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that messages
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all

So tender
The largeness of the feeling
Longing to express
To undamn
A well spring of love
Over flowing
Not meant to be contained
Life times of containing
Apologising for the ferocity of feeling
The tenderness that breaks
Cracking open
Surrendering control
Choosing to open instead of close
The pain of reaching out
Needing to be received
Let the reaching be enough
Let the longing bring you home
To feel, to love
It is everything
No apology
Love harder, love softer
Love always love

At times her crazy feels like a particular brand of crazy
Unique to her
Soul and ego battling it out
Ego bows to soul
Held in the complete embrace of the heart

Bear the void
Let it teach you
Watch what arises
Watch the fear
Which is lack of trust
Allow something new to be born
Bear the void
Let go

Shame is present
Over reaching
Leaving centre
Come back home
All is coming
Deep integrity
Births deep love
Deep truth
Deep healing
No more self abandonment
No more reaching
Let it approach
In its own time let it come

I forgive my baby
She has done nothing wrong
She reaches out
She sends a silly emoji
It communicates nothing of the truth
Nothing of the depth she is really feeling
She doesn't express her true need
That lies behind the emoji
The true longing to communicate
To speak truth
Let it be what it is
Let go and let flow

To be sat crossed legged face to face
Learning each other a fresh
Nose to nose
Looking into each others eyes
A playful loving freedom envelopes us
Deep trust commitment and devotion
Knowing that we never left each other and now we are home
The journey begins
Of waking up beside you each and every day
Of facing our shadows together
And laughing and loving through it all
Of living into the people we are destined to be
Freedom to play, grow and fall apart in each others arms
Freedom to explore each other’s mind body and spirit
Nothing held back
Heart and soul
Deep peace, deep feeling of belonging
Of here, here I belong, here I choose to lay my head

It is time
To listen to my body
To not over ride her
She knows the way
And I am willing to be led

Wishing I'd waited
Paused for a second
Stood still
Gave you a chance
I couldn't of known you'd come
But how I wish I'd waited
Breathe
I have a choice you point out
I don't feel like I do
I feel the longer I am here the more entwined with another I become
The further the distance between you and I
I'm scared you meet someone
I know you need to
It's only fair
I want you to have that
But I want it to be with me
I know you want that to
I have the choice you say
I wish I didn't
Reading your poems
How your past is a hurricane
How we lay together with our child playing bare foot under the moon
These images cut deep into me
I want to hear it all

Who is the one that knows
The one underneath the one that controls
The soft animal
She
Where is she
How do I reach her
Has she been so over ridden that her instincts are frozen

I’m so hungry for you
To be driving fast
Along an open highway
Wind in our hair
Music blaring
Feeling so free
Together and alive
Pressure builds in my chest
I’m terrified
So much anger
Consuming me
Clouding my vision
What to do
Bear the tension
Burn clean

Boundaries not barriers baby
Protect but don’t shut out
You feel you have to close the door
But please don’t lock it

To allow all the different parts a voice
To allow them all to speak
To fully express their truth
No judgement
No weight
Simply freedom to express
Once they are all heard
Then truth can emerge
The small deep voice underneath all the others

What can I give
Not what can I get
What can I give
Live from soul
Not ego
Trust in love
Not fear

I wish I could make contact
I don't want this
Trying to stay strong
To not crack and reach for you
To stay true to what we said
To dig into my motives
Question my intentions
For reaching out
Simply I miss you
I hate no contact - it makes me want it all the more
I don't want it to be like this
Can you hear me
Can you feel me

I don't want to be weak
Don't want to be unfair
Don't want to be confusing
To you or to me
I miss you
I want you in my life
Does it have to be this way
Is there a kinder more compassionate way
To stay open to eachother
To keep loving
To keep being there
Being brave enough to stay
And allow an unfolding
A deepening
To keep learning and growing
Relationships can take many forms
It doesn't have to be black and white
I don't believe it has to be all or nothing
I don't want that

He was lying on the floor
She was sat on top of him massaging his back
Giving him what she was able to give
Communicating with him in the way she knew how
Running her hands over his body
Feeling his strength
And how much he'd endured
When her hand found its way to his
He grabbed hold of it
Communicating his love and his pain
Holding on so tight
Her fingers encased in his
She could feel it all
Everything said and unsaid
Baby she silently whispered
Wanting to lay down beside him and never leave
For everything else to melt away
For it just to be simple
For it just to be them

I wonder what we will do
Without wine or TV to distract us
Let's lie on the couch you say
Something in me freaks at the simplicity
At the wide open space and presence you are offering
As I lay there in the quiet stillness something begins to happen
The deep darkness within me begins to open
It emerges into the light like a small animal
The tears start to fall
You stay right by me stroking my face
Telling me I can talk if I want to but that I don't have to

I'm with a new lover
One who loves me in a way my soul has longed for
He pulls me close
And their your face is
Swimming into my consciousness
I no longer try and push you away
Instead I let you be there
Hoping that by not pushing you out my mind
You will eventually stop appearing
When I'm alone I kiss your cheeks in my mind
Touching the white flowers I let the tears stream down my cheeks

Her body was tight
Resistant to move
Invisible armour surrounding her heart
Offering it to the darkness
Removing all pressure
She began to move
And it began to melt

She sits on a stool in the kitchen
The last of the evening sun caressing her face

She spent the last 2 hours dancing
Her body being moved by the music
Freedom flowing through her veins

She couldn't talk that day
All she could do was allow her body its voice
Trusting it to show her the way

She lit 4 candles
One for each of them
Her mother
Her sister
Her grandmother
And her

Her body moving
Freeing each of them as she moved
Past present and future dancing
Secrets whispered and revealed through her body

I feel like me
I feel happy
Is it that simple?
Do I just need to be held
To be seen
To be kissed and told
'I see you'
'I  know who you are'
To feel his strong body on top of mine
To have my complexity not only welcomed but celebrated
To be pulled so close in the dark
To feel the sweet safety of him
To be kissed and kissed and kissed
Deep and hard and true
To share emotion and longing through our lips and our tongues
Not through words but through our kisses and our touch
Your kisses speak a hundred words
Telling me what your words cannot
Stroking my hair, my face, my *******
Pulling my *******, bringing me alive
Sweet arousal wrapped up in the sweetest holding
Strong and soft
Rough and gentle
Pain and pleasure
You give me it all
Except you don’t
This is a false safety

Shared trauma
Deep bond
Killer attraction
Magnetic

I want to destroy you
NO
I want to destroy all that is weak and false
I want to destroy all that is 'nice'
Be real I call
Be ******* real
Admit it
See it
Be woman enough
To look
To face it
To hear it

I've seen a ****** up version of love
And you've seen a solid version
I want a family
Solidity, love, belonging
I want a trust I have never known
I believe in love
With every fiber of my being I believe in love

Sweet sweet nectar of surrender
Of arriving home
Of peace
Of a nervous system coming to rest
Of hot tears that anoint and wash clean
That hold close the little one
Serious in her purple jacket
Beautiful
And so alone
Never inside
But outside
In a barren land
Of not being understood
Those big eyes
Taking it all in
Those big serious soulful eyes
That can now rest
Can now turn within
She could not stand the harshness
The discord
The loudness
The ugliness
The vulgarity
She wanted to vanish
From those lunch tables
It disgusted every part of her
That needed beauty
Harmony
Quiet
She needed peaceful gentle holding and seeing
For her sensitivity to be noticed
To be cupped like a butter cup
Softly, gently
Allowing the sun to bathe her in its golden rays
Her life has been a journey to those rays
Those nourishing rays
The warmth of the sun
The simplicity of alone
Of peaceful quiet and sweet surrender
Yes darling yes
Her exile was her becoming

She is yours and you are hers
Why pretend otherwise
Be with her
Take a gamble
I have a feeling it will be the best bet of your life

cards on the table
no games
no pride
no protections
i love you
everything about you
and buddha knows you are not easy
i want to always be challenged by you
to fight with you about whether anger is right to express or not
to make the sweetest filthiest soul shattering love
Which neither of us can speak of

i'm tired
i surrender
do as you will
love always love

i 've never said i want you
to admit i want you
means i could lose you