maybe being alive is exhausting because
i still wear the clothes i was ***** in and
it takes all my energy to do my laundry

if i swipe right for a man named jesus will he save me?

your hands pressed into my jello sides when you lifted up my skirt and slid yourself into me
i looked into the ****** mary your mama planted in your backyard
into her crumbling marble eyes i prayed that one day i would be a beautiful girl
enough to be touched in the sunlight, feeling your flesh
understanding that your eyes want as much as your blood
enough to feel your teeth digging into my skin
leaving a mark that You Are Here
not just ****** in the poisonberry bush at 2am next to mama's ****** mary
so high that i feel her more than you

when you smoke you meet people every day because we are lonely ******* creatures  people are looking for a smoke to fill the void in their lungs in their heart in their throat in their soul but more likely looking for someone to keep them company in the ten minutes it takes to breathe in all the toxins
a homeless girl comes up to me all ****** up and puts the cigarette i give her behind her ear
it falls and she stumbles trying to pick it up
are you a leo she says?
yes i am, i say.
i can find leo women anywhere she says. we've seen some ****, we're strong, and no man can resist a leo woman.
i finish smoking my cigarette and i feel blessed i feel connected i feel touched in all the right important ways
she's wandering she's lost but she finds the leo women who've been ****** and battered but are still hanging on and we become friends on the side of the road just because of a cigarette
we speak of the men who've touched us in places they shouldn't have and we hug briefly and go on with our days
leo woman you are ****** up on the side of the street with absolutely nothing but a pair of jeans you cut yourself they're uneven. your shoes are falling apart and your hair hasn't been washed in weeks. leo woman you tell me to resist and be strong you're giving me advice to hang on when you have nothing to hang on to.
i am glad the world brought me to you.

let me forget that you ever said you loved me as you bite my chest and tell me i'm a good girl please spit on me and call me a **** so i can forget about our naked bodies becoming a tangled sweaty mess in our sleep please **** me till i claw at your back and you scream about how much you hurt

i don't want to wash your beer spilt clothes from last saturday night
because this tshirt has your spit on it
in my dreams we are reckless and we will share cigarettes so we get the same cancer
i'll listen to the city and get high in your room
maybe we will talk about things
Bigger than Us
and we will touch and every one of my nerves will understand that
You Are Here
i'll cut your hair and feel you in my hands
it's the biggest part of You
you will ever give to me

i have lived with you for an entire year but i don't think i have hated someone so much in my entire life
you have seen me every day but you have never studied my body
i have never seen your shadows
i surrendered all of myself but you just cut off a fraction

our bodies are just vessels for our souls and
dorm rooms are not homes

just shelters we pay for

1
i was in third grade when i was walking with my cousins who were thirteen and newly matured when men screamed at them
i was told not to worry that when i was old
they would do it to me, too
that it would happen to me someday soon
i would get the privilege of a man honking at the sight of my legs

i was in 4th grade when my choir director would wipe my tears and tell me
i wasn't fat when everyone else told me i was
i had the prettiest voice and i
could go digging for chocolates in his pockets
for being the best girl

i was in 6th grade when a boy in art class would slide his hand up my thigh while the teacher wasn't there
he hated me he said
i was fat

it was 6th grade when i was followed home by the man in the yellow house but everyone still says i was just scared
he still looks at me funny

i was in seventh grade when i blushed at my first cat call and held it with pride
i was old enough for this now
some boys didn't think i was fat i was a prize
i told everyone

it was seventh grade when i was at my locker
there was a breath on my neck
close your legs it smells like fish

i was seventeen when i thought i had My Own Moment
how bad do you want it he said
i think you're bleeding he said

i was in the eleventh grade when i tried to make it stop
shhh just enjoy it
i still wear those underwear

i want to know why i hate my body and crumble in fear when i see it
why did i hold my belly and ask my mom if i was fat
at age three

2
i was eighteen when i started ******* to correct the mistakes
taking off my clothes for the men who ask to see my ***** on a pixelated cellphone screen
i'm not allowed to linger on anyone's skin

my purpose on this earth is not to make you ***
there are fires inside me that you could never put out

do not **** me while on a conquest for something better
i am not available at the gas station
on your pit stop to a better place

i want to be ****** in my favorite dress
by someone who takes the time
to learn my last name

anxious bugs attack with ice picks to the back of my head and go
crawling into the labyrinth
do not let them dig into the Very Bad Thoughts in the back of your head

the reason i watch so much tv at night is to stifle the racing

(just drift)

some eyes stare at the tv in that certain way when they're ****** that they look like serial killers
eyes bulging with no feeling as if  they just stabbed their lover fifty times because
they are disinterested
i can't help but imagine everyone as stereotypical 35-year-old adults
if i am creating their future selves
does that make me psychic

the moment i realized i Really hated you was when i heard you called me a disgusting feminist
was the moment i realized that you have no respect for my life
or any life besides your own
when i offered myself you gladly took
but never reached in return

i wish my brain could just open up and **** you in
explaining everything i have ever felt but instead
i will stuff my mouth so words won't come out
and i will deal with the pain and pity alone

i see the way they look at the Rest Of You
versus the way they look at me, or Us,
the league of Others
with scaling peeling skin and
sweating glands
red bumps and scars and
curves in all the Wrong places
stretch marks expose me I Am A Tree that has been cut open
every line marks an experience like a ring on wood
I sip my beer and mimic plump lips on a **** locking eyes with yours but you look away because I take up too much space and
I am too visible for you to handle

i would like to cover my face with flowers so i am masked with something pleasant
we sleep with pillows between our legs because it mimics the feeling of you (i hope)

you are a touch i have never felt

if i was a flower i would be gifted with every touch

a short beautiful life that gets to crumble away when ready

you are your mother's daughter
separately

i know the bites on your neck were wrong i was told not to leave traces of my Self
because i do not belong

sorry for screaming your name
(but i guess it was worth it)
when you choked me and said quiet down

the stain on my ******* looks like the ****** mary
(i think she's mad at me) because i begged you to **** me  
sideways and backwards
digging screaming sweating pounding sighing
the ****** mary is crawling out of my ***** trying to make me
pure

you are the closest tangible thing and you don't even exist