it's crazy how
a year and two days ago
I went on my first date,
a year ago next week
I had my first kiss
and
it almost killed us,
a year ago next month
I did something
I can't decide if I regret or not,
and a year ago this July
I leaned that I was head
over heels for someone
who was already three steps
ahead,
moving on.

it's hurts, she said,
knowing everyone else
is okay and here I am
falling down that dark
tempting path again.
somber and delicate
as she described it,
you could see her face fall
and paralyze with fear.
she was afraid.
afraid she was getting
bad again.
i feel numb, she said,
i see the pain in my eyes
when i look in the mirror,
the desperation.
but i can't
stop, i close my eyes
and pretend i don't hear
my gasps for help
as i drown.

i don't want you gone,
but i don't want to hurt.
i want us to be okay,
i want to rewind.

i want to hate you so bad it hurts.
i want to
         f
           or
               get
     everything about us.
i want to forget
the sound of your voice
and the way your arms
           s
                  n
               a
                     k
                           e d
around my waist.
i want to forget
what it felt like to have your
hands
       tangled
in my hair.
i want to forget
what your cologne smelled like
but instead i sit in your jacket
that you didn't ask for back.
i want our memories
to
f
               a
                               d
                                                 e
a w a y ,
    just like you did.

i love you.
you, my friend,
are something
      special,
something different.
you, in some sense,
        saved me.
like bright lights
on warm water reflecting
            auburn.
I found myself,
in spite of my love for
                 you.
auburn love in the depth
of winter is what we are,
                     were.
I love you in colors
I can't describe, see or even
                          feel.
though as seasons go
feelings seem to, I suppose,
                          change.
and once again here we
go around and around,
                     dancing.
dancing numb hoping love
is still vibrant and radiant in
                  color.
no longer dull,
in black, white or stubborn
             grey.
I fall and I fall, into the
rhythm of our waltz,
         alone.
we spin in circles
around the issues of
       love.
I love you and
I've loved you but yet
   I lost you.

bright eyes
messy hair
falling fast.
each
         longing
       g
   a
   z
       e
and stare.
you catch
my eye,
   b  l  o  w
a kiss,
take my
heart,
and here
we go.
flying,
bright eyes
into the stars
falling fast
into
nothing
but thin air.

wandering hands;
searching for
the unknown,
feeling for
perfect emotion,
wanting to
never
let go.
electricity
pulses through
your veins,
you know
it's right,
it's so
wrong
that it's
*absolutely
right.