is it too much to ask for someone look at me,
and realize why i have bags under my eyes?
to see tears glistening like diamonds,
on the richest crown?

is it too much to ask for someone to listen,
as i allow my words to flow, as i say them,
and just hold my hand and understand?

is it too much to ask that i know my sadness
-that i know i did the right thing?
then, why, do i feel like i’ve given up a dream?
because that isn’t true.

is it too much to ask to come back,
allow myself to just come back,
say hello,
see again what i miss?

is it too much to ask for content,
that feeling of happiness and fulfillment that i had once?

is it too much to ask for love,
for some beautiful person to notice me,
some person i love in that way
-because i feel many eyes watching and none have made a move.

is it too much to ask,
that someone wish they could fix my problems all at once,
that someone other than my friends loved me,
wholly?

is it too much to ask the stars to glitter like they used to,
bright, and promising, tantalizing, inviting me to see them one day?
they seem dull, as if they’ve turned away,
as if i’ve given up on them.

i am one of those girls.
today, my hair waves softly,
and looks exactly right.
today, my shirt was tied exactly right,
so you could barely see the soft skin beneath.

today, i left.
i walked away from a pedestal
-yes, i would have been good,
yes, i loved it.
yes, i was amazing.

yes, i was tired and
couldn’t do it anymore.

i stand in the rain today,
on walkways where wet orange leaves are plastered to the ground.
i sit inside, scratching my pen on soft paper,
watching the sky darken grey and cold.

i am one of you.

i am the girl, standing on the bleachers with her eyes to lights.
it is friday night.
i am the girl who wears her school’s shirt,
on leggings and with pride.
i am the girl, who relaxes,
stands guard at the pool.
i am the girl who does her homework,
and always asks questions.

i am lost. i miss this,
the glory and the feeling. i miss being that good.
but i am content, my heart is at ease.

and don’t worry, the world’s still gonna know my name.

she is drowning again.
this time she knows the truth
-she can’t do this anymore.
and this time she knows that her mother’s hand is not the hand she needs in hers,
and that she walks alone on the only road she’d ever known.

as the road diverges, her feet are spread further and further apart,
so she’ll fall into a deep crevice,
or jump.
she’ll fall before jumps.

maybe there will a river at the bottom,
so ice cold.
but she’d move along,
and she does love to swim.

maybe it’ll be ground,
and she’ll break all her bones.
then she’ll pick herself up,
keep walking.

what if an abyss is just an abyss?
a pit of nothing,
a pit where you’re falling and you don’t know,
how low you’ll go.

and if you expect wings,
how would you create them on the way down
-no one cares enough to strap them to your back,
because no ones cares.

she knows, it’s all her fault.
you know.

she’s been told she’s everything,
and she wants to be everything.
but her heart is gone.

her appetite is gone,
and the once hungry girl
is left picking at her plate.

She's my walking rose
Walking down the road
Discussing right and wrong
Trying to figure out how to stay strong

She wants to grow,
She wants to know
How it's supposed to go,
She turns her color on
Turns a shade of pink yellow white black or red
Only the rose knows,
walking as she goes,
her time is brief
she thinks maybe that's a relief

Her road is long
When she's in the middle of it,
She knows though
It's all a dream as it passes on by.

My rose
She wilts in the dawn
Rises in the night,
I tell her I have one more road to go
My walking rose
She whispers, "I know."

i have a question,
before you ask me why i’ve done this to you.
do you know what i felt that night?

i wanted you.
just you.
you were everything.

and then, i couldn’t breathe.
but i wanted you.

i woke up,
and you were there,
and you were mine.

i woke up,
and then i wanted your head on my shoulders.
us standing together, laughing.
forever able to do that.

because i had doubts, and to keep going this way would mean,
an inevitable,
ugly,
end.

and i want to be able to share an apartment with you in new york city, if we want.
make fun of your art that will be wonderful or at least better than mine.
i want to be able to watch games with you in the dark, and turn and try to explain them,
then laugh about how we don’t know ****.

i want to be able to sit with you among our friends,
turn around and see you laugh.
i want us to be able to go to concerts and walk the streets and think little of it.
i want us to be among friends, and think nothing of it.

and if i love you,
i want to love you for years,
and i want to stay.

and if we’re never what we were for these three weeks,
then i want us to be happy.

i don’t know what i’m doing anymore
-who am i falling for?
is it her,
the one i loved, who i am so afraid to lose?

is it the one at lunch
-the unattainable girl who directs her words to me,
or is she just looking for a kind ear?

maybe it’s just me again,
looking for someone to make my heart race in the way i want.
maybe it’s just me again,
afraid to lose what we have?

i’m falling again,
i hope.
i’m always falling
-that’s the thing about me,
i’ve never not been in love.

i fall,
at first, with a whole heart.
with you, it was the whole heart.
and then i fall to fall.

and oh, dear i think we were good.
but i confess that i confessed something,
and never thought about it.
never realized that my pining would amount to something.

do i love you? would i love you months from now, years from now?
do you love me? or am i breaking your heart?

i wonder if we even had time,
to do this thing,
to wonder.

i wonder if i’ll ever sit with someone on a porch swing,
my old hands clutched in their trembling ones.
i wonder if i can love someone long enough

-without the fear.
the doubt.
the fear,
all over again.

always, i end up here
-me wondering why i move on.
or if i move on at all.