Count the years, last I had a girlfriend –
not the same count since I last kissed a girl
but I could name the bunch I kissed (not a lot)
no grand numbers to express a body count;
though I’VE met a lot of people, but still haven’t
been around. Cried a little more this year, then what
I plan to begin with every year – tasted a drop of lust,
swallowed every piece of a tear (cut my tongue)
acted worse than my young- ****** up (a lot)

Thought of suicide more times than the reasons I had to
**** myself- did a bit of exercise for about a month
not for my health; my stomach was sticking out.
Fed myself a taste of lips, lost my tongue in the sound
of their hiss, got to hold onto someone’s hips- still never
found the appeal of calling a girl your ***** (isn’t that
an ick)

Been called out by those whose ears could never hear
a ring; tried to delete my Google when I though the search
for love was over- now I laugh instead, while using Bing.

I’ve had my full of this year, don’t expect me to be hopeful
for the next, I’ll just take it all as it is. Even if I don’t have all
that it takes, I hope I never lose what it takes to give…
my heart.

there is energy in
the spaces in between
the stillness as
moments of frenzy
Thresholds
have to be broken
to start a reaction
-
Notice the energy
In the spaces
between glances
Some eyes refuse
mine beg
Long even,
The room is still
But also it stirs

I am conscious this time of year is hard
Heart is broken and badly scarred
Joy scarce
Only regret found
Negative thoughts in head spin around
Heavenly sensations sought in vain
Where there was possibility there is now only pain
Swallow mistakes but stick in your throat
Suffocating without antidote
Minutes slip by struggling to breathe air
Poetry is to make you aware
Hiding confrontation will never succeed
This a reminder that life you do need
Ghosts are real walking amongst the living
Dream of getting rather than giving
Who battle demons lying in bed
Propaganda spread throughout their own head
Excuses readily kept at hand
When things do not work out as planned
Drinking despair like alcohol
Until problems seem so small
Under dissection truth discovered
Full well knowing the damage not covered
Give explanation flimsy and weak
In the daylight may as well not speak
Called out on ******* you shift your gaze
At silence I am always amazed
After our history still stare at the sky
Ashamed to tell me the reason why
Honesty makes you seem naked and scared
Vulnerability contained you refuse to share
Manipulation and blame tactics you use
Tools implemented to deceive and abuse
I once was unsuspecting and naive
Dangerous games taught not to believe
But deep down I decide it's because you've been hurt
Past is why you treat others like dirt
Passing heartache painstakingly along
The agony remains
Increasingly strong

Beneath the surface of everything that exists;-
I find myself one breath away from losing my sanity,
and not making another one, until I die. Continuously unsure if
I'll ever create something new before, my time is up;- living by
the inevitable ticking of time's clock.

I've been living on the outskirts, trapped within
the confines of my own mind, constructing dreams of the past
for those who still hold onto hope, hoping that what I do will
be cherished as something unique and irreplaceable, like a rare gem
amidst a sea of ordinary stones. But now, I find myself drowning in
a sea of thoughts, longing for a shore where I can find solace instead
of conforming to the world's constant demands with a forced "sure."

Sometimes, I feel like I exist beyond the boundaries
of this physical realm. I am dedicated to carrying the weight of
everything, as if it all rests solely on my shoulders. I commit myself
to helping others and loving those who have wronged me, without
any limitations.

Yet, I feel trapped by it all, still entangled within
the web of expectations. In the midst of it all, I must remember
that I have to go through this journey to understand why I am here.
I have tasted love, its sweetness fleeting and its bitterness lingering.
I feel somewhat used by this kind of love, but mostly, I am left feeling
confused;-  drained and perplexed, pondering the worth of
entwining myself in a web of a jealousy, masquerading as  
now being a mere companion. I have been betrayed by those
I loved the most, let down by my own family, as if they were
the last people, I expected to break my heart. Feeling the sharp
betrayal of a backstab is a crippling pain, but the anguish intensifies
when you see the perpetrator, carving that very scar.

I am amazed by the immense depth and breadth
of how a few months of disappointments can feel like a
year's worth of pain. I cannot possibly quantify the extent of
this excruciating experience, but I can count every tear shed along
the way. The first half of this year has presented an array of
challenges worthy of a lifetime.

Nevertheless, I remind myself that it is a journey,
that must be taken one day at a time, handling whatever
comes my way. It is difficult to always be happy, but I strive to
find moments that bring a smile to my face, conserving my energy
to heal from the tougher days instead of pretending that
everything is fine.

Easter already
this year has slithered down the drain of time
where it will hide until Christmas
and have its babies

The final day,
To a year of sorrow.

Weakness,
Now seen as strength.
Roads seem no longer bent.

A clear way,
I now create.
For change is ahead,

It is never too late.

what a privilege it is
to celebrate with fireworks.

to hear thundering booms fill the air
and not simultaneously be full of fear.

to have the sky painted
with vibrant dazzling colours -
not the grounds stained
with new shades of red.

to hear the calming whistle
and anticipate a euphony -
not a cacophony of
cracks, bangs, screams and cries.

what a privilege it is
to have never heard the latter.

what a privilege it is
to associate explosion
with new beginnings -
not an impending end.

what a privilege it is
to celebrate with fireworks.

1 I attended with my new suit
1 I barely made it to and back
1 I watched from a screen
1 I missed the train
1 I've been preparing for

2018-2023, 5 years.

I'm 25 years old
My dads getting old too
My mom I had to convince to come
Eyes of familiar faces to watch me stand or stumble
I just want you all to know, no matter what, I love you

A son, step-son, brother, half-brother, nephew, grandson, grand nephew, boyfriend, partner in this same suit
You made me who I am

Farmor, especially you.