I wonder how it feels
To be in line with your sight
All the time, even just for a while

I wonder how it feels
To receive the smile you give
To someone dear, oh joy in your eye

I wonder how it feels
To have your hand, enlaced with mine
Safe and sound, even just for a while

I wonder how it feels
To love you freely boy, and not be told
You’re not worth my precious time

I sat by the window side at the bus
And ate some chocolate cake with gusto
Headaches from last night's partying
And suddenly I dozed off while eating

How strange...

Someone tapped me on the shoulder
I ****** and opened up my eyes
And saw you with your gentle smile
My face with smudges of chocolate

How embarrassing...

You asked if the seat beside me was vacant
I nodded unable to speak for shame and fear
Of opening my mouth full with chocolate cake
Too conscious how my teeth would look like

How pathetic...

Side by side, hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder
Instantly felt the warmth of your smooth skin
You glanced at me and smiled again very slowly
My cheeks were blushing of my indecent thoughts

How pitiful...

You asked softly if where my destination was
I answered politely afraid of looking directly
Too distracted by the musky scent you have in you
I wanted to ask what perfume you were wearing

How awkward...

The journey was tediously long and I had hangover
We sat there for five hours in companionable silence
But my insides were screaming with excitement
By your mere presence, I felt I was safe and sound

How weird...

"Excuse me sir, may I pass?" I nudged you respectfully
Your eyes widened a little bit and nodded in silence
I got off the bus and stared as it continued on the road
Regretted that I never even dared to ask for your name

How hopeless...

I know there's something wrong but I don't know what.
I know I have to change but I don't know how.
I know that I'd stop crying but I don't know when.
I know some people hate me but I don't know why.

Nobody loves me, that's what I'm starting to feel.
Nobody needs me, that's what they made me feel.
I am but a burden and that's what I'm feeling.
Torn between the thought of dying and trying.

I wish there is someone who'll listen to my rants.
I wish there is someone who will understand cries.
I wish there is someone who will tell me I am right.
I wish that someone would tell me: everything will be alright.

I wish to cheer people, when they have to deal with life.
I wish to be useful, to the ones who brought me here.
I wish to be someone, who would listen silently.
And not to be someone, who is selfish, nags and rude.

I wiped my tears, but they didn't stop falling.
I faced the floor and they just kept pouring.
I stopped hiding my tears, 'cause nobody noticed.
I cried 'till tears ran out and blood started falling.

I don't want to live dying, but I don't want to die living, like a corpse in daylight, walking.
Life is beautiful, life is cruel
Life is a gift, with endless burden

I should've been selfless, and learned to appreciate.
I should've understood them when I wished to be understood.
I should've been more careful, with the things that I have said.
I should've been a good kid, and listened to my parents.

If only I wasn't me, with a different family.
If only I had something I could do so perfectly.
If only my steps, had the right foot to start with.
Would I still be sitting here, waiting for my death?

You're the faintest memory,
But the strongest one.
Ended without a sorry,
Also ended with none.

You're the prologue,
That broke me so bad,
You're the epilogue,
Of the days we had.

You're a short chapter,
But the most memorable one.
What sorrow more sweeter?
When to you I never won.

I'll never forget the feelings we made up
To keep each other alive, survive another night
Everything of us, all just myth
Medicine to heal but power to destroy
Greatest addiction to be released
Finally at peace
with these unsaid words
This would be our final goodbye
Everything of us, all just a myth
Bittersweet it was, to overcome
the closest thing to real love
I wish you the best as you continue
Prayers for your next love
To be blessed
Nothing like us, all just a myth
Ending with burned pages
But instead
Ending with laminated chapters

What is being honest?
When the ones you love are hurt?
You try to be transparent, but you're messy from all the dirt.

A Constant battle of head and heart.
Some things that cross the line.
You conjure up feelings you never knew existed
For Want of something that  never will be mine?

The definition eludes me the more I try to
Deflect,
The emotions that surround me from the moment we met.
Ambition is one thing, as success is another,
Turning new leaves,
with nothing left to uncover.
To live freely without love or be loved with a whole heart.
The grass is never greener when we go back to the start.
Be honest to yourself, to your woman or your man.
If you don't be strong now
prepare to be a part of someone else's plan.

You were, you are, you always will be my chimerical vision.
For a while, I had always thought things should be tacenda, but then I realized how stupid of a thought that was. I mean you came into my life and became my dépayśe. I was completely taken out of my comfort zone and put in some place unknown; some place near you, yet so far away. I have this wish where you and I find the light together, but I think I  always knew it was a velleity. You're so soigné, and I'm just homely. When I close my eyes, I picture that first mamilapinatapai and wonder why I couldn't have just spoken up. I've become a mad man over this serendipity which lasted a short time only to last forever. It was just a halcyon, those few moments we awed over, and I was just to sick with evasion to ever light a spark. Now, all I can do it drown in this chimerical vision alone.

                                                         (j.a.r.)

The day plays over in my head
The conversations I had
The ones I didnt
The people I saw
Those I ignored
What I did
And what I could have done
These are the midnight thoughts
That plague my restless mind
Robbing me of my sleep
And making me second guess everything
There is no peace in midnight thoughts
Only hope that tomorrow I will do better
So that when I face tomorrow's midnight thoughts
I will be plagued less than I was tonight