When I was twelve years old 
(Twelve, for crying out loud!)
A woman messaged me, informing me of a modeling deal that I could be a part of. 
She had me call her on Skype and pose in my underwear in front of the camera.
I was going to be a bikini model.
The woman's screen was black. 
She told me to do innapropriate things to my body.
"I am just checking out your potential." 
So I did them, because this girl thought I was good enough to be a model.
And when I was twelve Years old, nobody thought I was good enough for anything, myself included.
Only after the call ended did I realize that there was no modeling deal,
And that it wasn't a ******* the other end.

When I was thirteen years old, 
A boy messaged me and showed me the type of attention I never recieved.
He called me beautiful and sweet and asked to see my face. 
The boy called me over video chat and began to touch himself in innapropriate ways in front of me. 
I didn't like it.
I shut my eyes and listened to music and lyrics in my head.
Half an hour was wasted of him telling me to lift up my shirt and me shaking my head no. 
I finally did it, and then I shut off the camera,
Because I did not want this boy to tell me I am beautiful or that he enjoys my breast shapes.
I just wanted to be left alone.

When I was fourteen, I got tired of being so alone. 
Another guy messaged me and asked if we could be friends...
I really wanted a friend.
He asked if we could hang out as friends.
So he picked me up and we went to the mall and shopped around like friends,
And when he told me to get in the dressing room with him,
I thought it kind of strange but i did so anyways.
Maybe this is what friends do! 
But my "friend" began to touch me and kiss me like no one ever had before,
And I did not like it,
And I told him no,
But he did it anyways,
And I suddenly did not like this friendship, anymore. 

To get that rotten taste out of my mouth,
I kissed a new guy
And this guy kissed me way too fast and too much 
But I told myself that I wanted to kiss him so that it wouldnt feel as bad. 
And when he took off my clothes and told me to touch him in places that I hadn't touched anyone before,
I told myself that I wanted to, so I wouldn't feel as bad. 
I told myself that I was overreacting when he kissed me rough and I cried into his mouth.
I told myself that I loved him when he threw me onto the floor when I finally said no. 
I told myself the only way for him to love me back would be to do what he says with no questions asked. 

When I was fifteen, in order to stop myself from slicing my skin into bits or binge eating at one in the morning,
I snuck out my bedroom window and met up with a twenty-something man 
Who told me we were going to go see a movie.
The movie turned out to be seen in his bedroom and we didn't watch very much of it. 
I snuck back in through my window hours later
With bruises and marks covering my neck,
And no matter how much I brushed my teeth,
I could still taste his lips on me. 

The safest thing I have learned in life,
Is that guys go after vulnerable girls,
And I guess I am one of them.

I say so many
Stupid things
I am ridiculous and
Impetuous,
I am unarmed and
Unyielding.
When you decide
To scar my heart
Or let it sink
In the wake of
Your absence
I will offer it up to you
Without hesitation.
Why do I wear it
Bare around my wrist,
Embedded in the fabric
Of my sleeve?
Why do I foolishly persist
When I know that
You will leave?

T'lah kumiliki nurani bopok dan renta
Warisan ibu ayah
Membungkus kasih, dengki, segan,
damai, resah, amarah
Begitu bancuh dan arau

Sang aku berbagi pada kekasihnya
Sosok gagah terpercaya
Aku dan gagah melanglang
Beriringan menggandeng nurani
Nurani amat bahagia
Demikian puas ceria

Hingga sosok gagah itu mulai muak
Jemu, bosan katanya
Menghempas jemari aku
Dan mencampakkan nurani serupa buangan
Cakapnya aku bersalah
Tak jago mengenyangkan

Tak tega setilik pun menengok nurani
Menepis muka, aku bertanya
"Apa nurani tak apa-apa?"
Dengan terisak, nurani menyinyir menjawab
"Terlihat nestapa dan pilu dari matamu
Aku tak seberapa
Pikirkan saja dirimu"

May I tell you a little secret
But please don't let anyone know

That I am not strong
But actually weak

That I don't know
where I am going
Lost in rough sea
I cling to my tiny boat
With no life jacket

That if you look at me closely
You see my house  
Is made of cards
And not brick

That every day I turn of the sound
Holding cotton to my ear
As the world sings a song
My mind doesn't want to hear

That the bravado of a ******* man
Swinging a shirt above his head
Hides a little boy
Who was bullied at school

That I am like the little girl
Who slept with every guy in town
But was actually scared  
To sleep with just one

Or the guy who could
Have every single girl
But to scared to take his pants off
So hid in the Loo

That every day I close my eyes
As I walk a narrow path
With a shear drop on either side

That I scale a rope bridge
Across a great raven
Made with a decaying wood

That I sometimes do things
I wish not to do
I will even be your play thing
If it helps me fit in

That I do not possess Rhino skin
It is actually paper thin
Every word can break my skin  

That my heart doesn't roar
But hides like a
Little Lamb stuck in
A Lion's den

Thank you for letting me
Share my little secret
But please don't let anyone know
That I am not strong
But very weak

You ran your hands through your hair
Just as you do every day.
Closed your eyes for a moment
Took one last inhale
Before you shed your certainty.

You stood before me,
Vulnerable.
Your voice shaking,
The absence of confidence
Tangible.
I sat there in a daze,
Twirling my hair around a pencil
Then untwirling
And twirling it again.
And as your soul extended out to mine
I felt an internal warmth
A flutter through my core
Its tickles radiating through my face.

And as I turned to you
You were already there
Your eyes met mine
In a moment of silence
A moment of solitude
A smile painted along
Your beautiful face

As we simply stopped
And stared,
And started.

You've noticed a change huh? She doesn't text you as often, she never calls you anymore. When she does text you, she never says sweet things to you no more. She takes her time texting you back. When you try and start an argument you can tell that she really doesn't care. She makes you feel pathetic. Guys post on her wall and she actually responds now. You notice that she's moving on, talking to other guys and going on dates. And now your starting to realize how beautiful she really is. She's amazing isn't she? Well too bad, cause you lost her. There was a time when you were her world. Her everything. She really wanted you but you pushed her aside and failed to realize that unlike the rest, she wasn't afraid to walk away. She was strong enough to let go. And now suddenly you love her? Do you even know how much pain you caused her? A lot, so don't come around with your "I miss you stuff" she's gone and moved on...

Don't let them see you cry,
Don't let them see you're vulnerable,
Don't let them see how you feel,
Don't let them see you're weak.

You’re weak! I’m not weak! You don’t know what I’ve been through.
You’re weak! I’m not weak! You don’t see what I see.
You’re weak! I’m not weak! You don’t feel what I’m feeling.
You’re weak! I’m not weak!

It is really terrifying
I have no walls;
no lines that you cannot cross;
no doors you are not allowed to open.
you are allowed insight to every piece of me
my heart is yours to hold and yours to explore
please don't drop it for it is fragile from being broken before
please love what you find on your exploration into my soul
for others have turned away after seeing what hides inside
I pray that you can hold my heart better than others have in the past
I pray that you will love me better than others have in the past

I'll shut you out,
because I love you.

I'll keep you away,
When I can't keep my thoughts at bay -
because I love you.

I won't call you up,
I won't let you worry -
or even know
that I'm descending
into a dark pit -
because I love you.

I'll fight them on my own,
I'll defeat them for us -
but,
I'll make sure that you're not a spectator,
of the gory battles I seldom fight -
because I love you.

I wrote you a poem,
But you never saw it.
All those years ago,
Folded in my pocket.
It didn't say much.
It was short and it was sweet.
It said just enough,
Explained my thoughts complete.
I can still remember
Just how it goes:
I said that I loved you,
But now you'll never know.

I meant to be cliche,
Slip it in your notebook.
Something you could read
When you were alone, but
I guess I chickened out,
Or perhaps I just forgot
Because the next thing I know
I sent it through the wash.
Couldn't read a thing.
Ruined, had to go.
I wrote that I loved you,
But now you wouldn't know.

Never was the one
To discuss my feelings.
Couldn't open up,
Reveal vulnerabilities.
So instead I wrote them down.
It seemed safe that way.
But I knew if you read it
The result would be the same.
So I never tried again,
I let it go.
Still knew that I loved you,
Relieved you'd never know.

Perhaps it was fate
Or the things I couldn't say,
But we reached that point
Where you went your separate way.
Now I only write
For myself and strangers.
Anonymity means
Very little danger.
And I understand
Why you had to go,
But I'll love you forever,
Even if you never know.