My world has turned grey,
My soul is crying,
My heart is irreparably broken,
I thought you could be my cure,
A ray of sunshine
To light up my days.
I am sorry.
I know I need to let go,
And someday I will be able to.
You were something
You are not anymore,
While I’m the same as always
Pretending the past is still present.
My words are flat,
A decomposed body,
I lost the right way,
If I ever found it in the first place.
How to recognize
When you go from a prodigy
To a wilted flower?
I had always been invisible,
But banal?
A curse, sent by my
Worst enemy,
This is the only solution.
I lost my flame,
My lighthouse,
I feel like I lost you,
But you didn’t lose me.
Please, come back.

ruffle my hair and maybe i will fall asleep
do not strangle me for calls i forgot to return
because i will always do that
i must
i'll write love poems when i wake
and like i once did before
remind you that your lap is clouds pillow
i mean i know
that you do not know
how to make me feel those slippery chaotic feelings i make you feel
but do not love me like i do, i might hate it, love me just how you do
don't shy though
do not hold back, grab me, ***** me
or lull me, whisper to me, stab me maybe
how is all and any of that hard
do you like me more when i am insufficient?
for i can light myself into silver flames to do better
but i am tired

so let me just sit for now
breathe,
but i am afraid to knowingly breathe
what if i suddenly don’t know
what if i only can knowingly breathe
and i forget to


i like the windows open but i like the curtains closed
i like the curtains lifting slightly in the wind
i like the little i see through them than when it's open
i'd rather watch the world out as the curtain lifts for a few seconds

You gave me a rose - a fragile thing ; a glorious gift. You told me to treasure it as that will be the last time, the last gift I will receive from you.

You told me to wait, but I don't wait for love. Why should I wait? When it's there right in your hands. That grasp it. Not told in words. No poem. No script. That three worded sentence - I love you.

Love doesn't wait, if you wait it may be too late. It can also be poisonous. A darkness. A void - shadows that lurk and grab you by the shoulders.

This rose rots. It is no longer fresh; vibrant and pure. It's shape a carcass - reminiscent of a dead crow. This crow was cruelly hunted - shot and blood spilling.

Petals crumble. You crumble, falling to the ground, curling into yourself. You crave safety like being in your mother's womb again. Soft and delicate.

You poison yourself. Thinking is this what love is? Not being able to live anymore without them. Thoughts are just burdensome. A bottomless pit of shadows; a darker self creeping in the black.

I wake up, feeling sick. Nauseous and dizzy. To realise poison flows through my veins. I see you , curled in on yourself - stillness in your bones. I question myself with the dagger in my palms. Love is dead - rotting away.

You are the dagger in my palms - the blood in my body, the blood inside of me. In veins. You are the wound - just like the beginning of our story. Predicted and needed.

I'm emotionally sectioned, yet I still perceive all your calls and beckons. Why? Why do I feel the need to please you, with every action that I do, and how does this doubt I have still seep through?
Pain... Pain is the periodical assault into my neuroqurtex, in other words I'm trapped into this vortex that is you. But that's my fault, for this, this is a self inflicted issue.
I broke down when I wrote down my feelings on parchment and paper surrounded by haters that laugh when I cry, and I'm emotionally bound so when my tears start flowing and they start gawking, I wish they would all just die. But looking back at my previous issues and problems I realized I'm stronger because I have solved them. Strong enough to write this for you, explain my feelings I have twords you, yet this is all my fault, I should have for warned you.
You pieced me together. Made me realize that no matter the weather I'm stronger that ever. Hell, with your pretty smile and eyes and a few thought out actions made me realize that my thought processes should be compromised.
Love... Love is the longing of volatile emotions. Love makes my heart warped like a cataclysmic contortion, yet without your love  my life is no better than an abortion! Like I said before, I feel the need to please you, but if you don't have these feelings that I do, like a golem I'll be standing, waiting silently.
But you've enchanted me. Now I have to revert to fantasy, live life like it will never be a reality. So I sit down and write out using verbs and pronoun's to describe how I feel now. These words... They may never reach you, but to be honest, I could never muster up the weakness to mistreat you. Compassion is my guiding action, no selfish thoughts or evil plans hatching. But I must be respectful and I pray these actions I take never make you resentful. That's the truth... and if the truth hurts then the truth works, and since I'm stuck here astonished how could I not be brutally honest.
When its all said and done if its too much just tell me, because its your cross hairs that took aim and fell me, because its your captivating glance that withheld me, and I get it I'm a tad bit subsonic, but when it comes to my emotions I know that I'm on it. That's my piece, no yelling or screaming, like a golem I'll be standing, waiting silently.

I see your dazzling light from far away.
Yet to think on it leaves a mark, a cut, a bruise.
And now I’m covered in those kinds of scars.

I sit here and ponder what could've been mine,
If I did something different.
If I’d said the right thing,
Spun the right lie.
Would you have held me then?

The sound of your laughs drifts through the days,
And chases me down, and takes me screaming into the night.
Where the wolves are waiting.

The only chance worth taking,
Is the one that leads me straight to you

To hear it straight up,
Your plans for your life,
The hollow room where your feelings should be,
They scream with a silence that's louder than words.
The wails of the nonexistent noise.

Your warmth pins me down and holds me tight
It strangles and suffocates,
My feelings won't drown
In the waves of your truth
In the waves of my pain.

The truth of your feelings,
The truth of your hollow ballroom that you hold me locked up in chains,
That dig into my wrist and impales me with spikes,
The days bleed into further longing,
And all i want to do is turn to you,
Fall into your embrace no matter hold much it hurts
For the jacket of outward spikes,
That you wear just for me.

Specially designed torture devices,
That leaves me screaming for days.
Showing more blood and bone than skin
And in my wails of pain,
You can find my heart left exposed,
Only to you.
Waiting and wanting to be hurt again.
For your presence is worth the pain.

The image burnt into my mind.
Of your hands on someone else.
Blushing at their compliments
And laughing at jokes not funny
Dancing and staying up late.
Tackling them and ending up in a heap on the floor,
Then kissing them because you want to do nothing else.
Saying you care about them more.
More than anyone.

The things I've said to you,
The dreams I've dreamt of you.
The parts of me I wanted only you to see.

Yet you turned away and swore to fate,
That you wanted their quirks over mine.
You want them.
You don't feel anything like that towards me.
You are not okay with me wanting you.

You do not need me.
You could turn away and never say hi again
You could turn away without a care in the world
Never look my way again.
Erased from your life without a backwards glance.
Be honest you say
Be open, you say.
Want me to be honest,
I HATE YOU.
STOP RUINING MY LIFE

Just please get out of my thoughts, my life.

Hate and love.
North pole and south pole,
Either side of my globe.
My planet of emotions for you.
Hate and love bind together in ice and fire.
Deadly.
But you are in another universe,
And the planet of you and me is empty.
It's just me.

All alone.
Burning in eternal fire.
The only person on the entire planet
And yet your false presence is there
Cradling me in a soft embrace.
Your kind words and your open laugh.
Love.

You are there in the harsh word of reality.
They slice through my life with a razor sharp blade.
In the 2am words that doomed us forever.
Hate.


Moving on is hard.  
We have to rewrite the narrative,
Rewire my brain.
Never. Ever. Shall I forget this.
The magical mystery ride of you and me.

From more to less on your demand.
Let me strip away my heart,
At your command.

I will get over you.
See you as my friend.
Take the necessary actions to ensure there will be an us in our future.

But what if it's too hard?
This rotten fruit of my love,
That I want nothing to do with.
This gross feeling of betrayal.
Will it ever fade?

Will I ever look at you without that mess in my brain?
Without hearing those words.

I will.

I won't be that person who doesn't want friendship, only wants love.
Too shallow.
Too broken.

I will fight for this, not for you, but for us.

To give up hope.
To give up on love.


For you.

The one who doomed us from the start.

Long ago, I opened my heart.
I let someone in.
They didn't quite fit though.
So I paused, and then promptly expanded my chest,
Expanded my heart to fit in your love.
It didn't work out, but my heart was now too big to be shattered.
I was still so full of hope that I refused to let go.

I put a sign out that said:
“All welcome.”

And someone came in with sunshine and cheer, an enthusiasm I wasn't expecting.
And yet again, they couldn't fit.
So I expanded my heart once more.
Pushed out from the inside
To let them fully in.
But while I was under renovations, the doorway swung shut.
They were barred from the door.
There's only room for one in here and I haven't fully moved out the ants,
They crawl and creep and fester and weep.
So I pulled on my mask and pulled out the poison.
Ready to **** anything and everything in sight.
To destroy every crack and crevice, filling it with hate,
Ready to be done with the festering creatures.

But was disrupted by a little knock.
I suppose I never took the sign down.
The sun wasn't in sight and the former prospect was gone.
Only the silver rimmed clouds and it was starting to rain.

The fat heavy drops that drowned out the sorrow.
Made it feel a little cozy inside.

But standing there in the soft quiet rain.
A boy.

Waiting to see me.

Maybe he was always there.

Maybe he’ll never leave.

But I opened my door and stepped into the rain.

I dont think I’ve ever felt soft drops on my skin,
Don't think I’ve ever felt something so real, something so fresh.
And it didn't matter that the sun was gone because a light shone from your heart so bright.

Too bright.

Too good.

I should've known it was all a lie.
A web waiting to catch those innocent flies.

But I will never complain, for the ants moved out the day that you knocked.
Maybe they knew the rule about one.

They shuffled out the door single file.

And yet when I went out to invite you out of the rain,
When I stood aside to let you come in,
You pulled away.
Only ever so slightly, a miniscule flinch.

You peered round and called it beautiful.
You made my little heart feel ever so special.

But it wasn't special enough.
And so the boy in the rain chose the rain over me.

Sometimes I hear him calling my name.
I don't know if it's him or only a shadow,
But it lights my heart with a small fire, and fills it with a stifling heat.
It feels like a way of drawing me out.
Into the rain.
To let it slide down my cheek.
Fall over my brows and into my eyes, then down to my lips.
Occasionally I step outside, just to see.
If any of it is real.
And there seems to be a melody that whispers on these nights.
A soft little tune.

And the rain turns to you, and then,
It's you sliding a finger down my cheek.
Pressing my shirt to my chest.
Running your hands through my hair.
I’ve never felt so alive.

But then, almost as fast,
I twirl around and you're gone.
In a small little flash.

So I run to my heart and throw open the windows and doors,
In case you decide to stop by.
And dance a little as lightning flashes by.
To my own little tune that I invented just for you.

But soon, the rain stopped, and there was still no sun.
Just endless grey clouds threatening to come in.

So I put my heart on display and now people walk by, and occasionally pop in for a second or two.

To look around the massive shell I have in my chest.
Some press their ears to it to see if they can hear the ocean.

They don't know that the only echo of water around,
Is the dried tears that I spilt, all over the ground.

I suppose the clouds eventually got in,
But the shadow of the downpour never quite left enough room for two.

People stand and wave a safe distance away, and maybe the blanket of clouds is a blessing, and a cover from the sun.

And maybe the sun was forever waiting behind a blanket of grey.
Maybe I was only waiting till night when I could pull back the clouds and reclaim the sky.
Decorate it with fully formed constellations. Maybe I was destined to find shapes and meaning when there was none.
And maybe that is why I could never let it be night.

But it cannot always be day.

And as times turn,
my heart starts to feel awfully hollow,
And my head is full to bursting.
Praying on repeat,
For the rain to come again.

But forevermore, my heart shall be ruled by the final ant that won't leave, and the shadow of a boy who never intended to stay.

You kissed my scars..
Then mocked the blood.

You wanted a girl,
To replace the one you lost
Not grief
Not pain,
Not me.

You saw my soul,
and flinched..
I cried and begged for you,
Till I choked on my poison which was you,
And you said, “too much.”

I shattered and you said I was too loud,
I begged,
You lied,
I broke.

Here stuck in stagnant fog and cold,
My solace is to cling to you.
Clutched to my heart, the chill abates;
And yet, I know what I must do.

Though you'd carry my heart away,
I know that you may never be
Suited for life on this here ground;
For that cause, I must set you free.

Let God's breath fill your lofty wings,
Winds raise you up towards open sky!
Be free, o wingèd spirit fair,
If fate so beckons, you must fly!