what should i believe in?
could it be religion,
a thing i was raised with,
but now i question,
ironically,
religiously.

what do i believe in?
could it be in nothing,
and no-one,
thinking that we are
mere mortals,
and there is nothing for us after this.

what can i believe in?
when the god i have been told
loves us all,
shuts out so many people,
for their wants,
their desires,
their love

what is left to believe in?
i guess only myself,
and what a terrible
terrible weight
that feels.

melting minutes
into memories,
in to mayday parades of
everything i should have done,
everything i couldn't,
everyone who said i had to.
the days are starting
to feel like distant places
where my past self lives;
it is a miracle that i made
it here, it is a miracle
that i'm leaving,
it is a miracle
that my muscle memory
hasn't made me ruin it.
i've been thinking about
those first days,
the majestic trauma of
eighteen now the
monstrosity of twenty-two.
ahead of me lies a path of
i don't even know what
but i made it here,
i can make it anywhere.

Gone I am.
After all these years
Spent on the earth,
I walk among the dead.

Coin under tongue,
I pay for passage
To cross the Acheron
Into the underworld.

I then enter the gates.
Fate at the hands of three,
I wait for their call
To where I’ll stay forever.

Thus I ponder,
Unknowing where to go.
All depends on my deeds.
What do the gods think of me?

Have I gained their favor?
Have I gained their disdain?
Have I naught but their indifference,
And be forgotten like most?

Will I be brought to Tartarus,
And spend my days in torture?
Surrounded by wrongdoing souls
In everlasting anguish.

Will I be brought to the Asphodel Meadows,
Where I’ll drink from the river Lethe,
And forget of my past,
Both what I love and hate?

Will I be brought to Elysium,
A place worthy of the righteous?
All peace and eternal bliss
No hardship to deal with.

I still wait for their decision
To pick out my destination.
Thoughts run through the mind
Of what I’ve done throughout my life.

You were there,
always by my side
Never doubting
You'll leave my side
But a raindrop fell
And I reached for your hand
But you were gone
Nowhere to be found
Echoes heard
Instead of answers
In an instant
You were gone
Leaving me thinking
Why?

Why is it
That just as my skin begins
To feel the coddling warmth
Of the emerging spring sunshine
That I long for rain?

i'm scared of the future
of opening my wounds
tearing up my sutures
of what's coming soon
of anything i don't know
can't tell where i should go
how long will this last?
am i going too fast?
the pacing of the show

if i think too hard i'll just freeze
and get pushed down by a single breeze
i don't have enough people who believe
such a short list that it doesn't include me
wish i could just run and be free
but nothing's that easy
afraid that this plane won't take off
too many tails to shake off
and i don't have insurance
so i choose avoidance
every time and always
until i run out of ways to say
sorry, not today.

The certainty that gives
the clarity to see
a path lies beneath
the current uncertainty