Can breathing feels like death?

Because I'm stuck
The gravity, my bed and my brain
makes a quick sand.


I'm scared of time I invest,
What if the schemes are scam?
I don't want to put my pieces on rent
Just so they know how it taste.

Is it alright to freak out?
Cuz everybody has to do it.
But skin of their face is motionless
And I'm tearing apart.

I don't want to regret that I didn't live 16.
I don't want to regret that I didn't try to make it better.

Can someone tell me before
Lost of what hurts less?

Will death feel like breathing?

That knowing freedom is beyond the door
Suffices not that you get up and walk
For there must be light and you've eyes to see
And you're not chained nor door's a devious trap
To tempt an escape to increase the sin
And fear whispering of uncertainties
Of vast unknowns and stranger unseen yet
And perhaps the door leads to just more doors
Better well-fed and cared-for but a slave
Then free, hungry and lost, and soon all dead
For freedom is for the living and free

maybe if I try to write,
I would feel sincerity again,
drowning into the pages and lines
of truths and fallacies,
maybe if I learn how to dance,
all doubts will shed along with pain,
maybe if I sing a song,
I can compose and express but not to please
maybe if I paint an artwork,
I would accept having you as my lovely subject,
in sceneries of memories, at the stroke of tender nostalgia
maybe if I interfere in the duel of both my mind and heart,
one takes over freely and I venture a new start.

but who am I to even stand armor-less,
battling against the uncertainties?

IA

he planted an uncertain feeling in her heart.
he watered it every single day with drops of hope
until she became exposed to a little ray of sunshine to make it grow

stronger

higher

and brighter..

then he suddenly cut it before it blooms.
he left her wilted
until every surface of her heart
has gone dry again~

I wished to start over.
Love become to much.
For my taste.
I left the past behind.
Along with it.
My uncertainties.
Life become simpler.

As everyone knows.
It won’t remain.
For long.

You made a move.
Without my knowledge.
It felt unreal.
Things become certain again.
Love blossomed.
Though tough times we faced.
It felt good.

As everyone knows.
Even happiness.
Doesn’t last.
Long.

Distance become your forte.
Silence your words.
Your mind else where.
Heartache approached.
From no where.
When questioned.
Answers become clear.
With reasons unforeseen.
Love still in the mist.
But uncertainties over took you.
And gave us its end.

You are the love I found.
And.
I am your love you gave away.

In the shadowy, silent street I walk
The darkness of the night engulfs my spirit
Like the soddy soils covering the rock’s
Brilliant colour of ruby, red passion.
The daring dreams for the future
Has caused my soulful eyes to ashen-
Blinded by the present reality-
The dreams begin to fade.

In the shadowy, silent street I walk
The mind has lost its mentality
And strength to wade
Through the current bleakness of life.
The midnight shadows of the street
Have caused me to lose sight.
Can the faith of the heart bring light?

In the shadowy, silent street I walk
The cicadas buzz bitterly in the quiet street,
Stirring memories of mundane voices
That has caused me to cheat
Myself from making personal choices.
I cry silently in despair
For fear has swept my sense of direction.

In the shadowy, silent street I walk
A distant street lamp lit up the solemn street
Providing me with a sense of protection
The heart burns with a passionate heat
Providing strength for my body to move with affection
Towards the mystery of the shadowy, silent street.

(c)2018 Joanne Chang

everything will be okay
a reassuring phrase
used by
people
that don't possibly know
the outcome
or
the future