in just one day
i think about so much
that i really
dont have time
to think at all.

I really do wonder if I am just going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it's just a very long faze
I've wondered this for years
always thinking
"well next week will be better
next month will be better
next year will be better"
and it's not
I've been so unhappy lately
the kind I can't quite put my finger on
I know I've been lonely
and feeling insecure lately
about everything
my looks
my job
my relationship
my son
my car
Etc etc etc
I honestly have days and weeks where I feel unstoppable
I could handle everything at once and not blink
but then all of those highs crash into deep dark lows and I feel too weak to climb back up

tilt back
tears slide
back,
back,
back into your eyes, from the harrowing place
they were siphoned into life. they
seep through your skull,
slide down your throat,
swallow.

just swallow them, like they are
pain,
sugarcane.

sand and soot in oysters whirl
creating iridescent pearls
the lotus roots through dirt and mud
to blossom from the smallest bud

out of darkness, beauty grows
though the process, arduous and slow
without pain nothing is created
and so my growth is long awaited

could it be?

it’s been almost a year since I opened that door
the bolted, scared and chained door that boxes my heart
he carelessly lied all over it
he let it whither by refusing to whisper back to it

could it be you creaked it open in a year
i didn’t know what you’d do
could it be I feel something for you
do you do too?

these smirks and glances
could I play my chances?
your affection and care seem more
or am I so empty i pray they are
am I so deprived of feelings since being a ***** that your kindness is mistaken for more

could it be you want more than what we have?
because I sure do
When you left her, I knew it before you told me
my stomach dropped and ached
swirling like Poseidon’s pools, trapping victims in its gushes
I thought, I hoped it was for me
but you must still love her

I think about you, about us, about words left unsaid in our lingering goodbye
when you called me your best friend - you paused- you looked into my eyes and opened your lips- why didn’t you just say it
why didn’t you tell me more
instead I defend our friendship
I’ll make you a dozen playlists darling if it helps you feel lighter

could it be you feel something more for me?
because I’m afraid to say it out loud
but I may have fallen in love with you

strange places I visit in dreams
complex structures
don't make sense

tied to familial lineage
ownership, inheritance, & secrets unknown

deepening fears unresolved

driving on an empty tank, without gas
how much time do i have to pass

itching skin
the tender areas of my heart lay untethered — released

I hope you return my query — my shot in the dark

it's been so lonely without the sparks
of our love — the promises broken,
shattered and left on the floor.

Is it my turn to sweep up the remains?
Or will the pieces just stay the same.

We said goodbye to ruins called home.
how much time did we spend filling in cracks —
the space in between shifts like tectonic plates.
Am I an eruption of pain and heartache,
or am I interrupting the slow and natural flow?

Alone I stay, sans reply, where are you love with your alibi?

So much time spent missing you,
so much time dedicated to the form you knew —
who you thought I was — no someone new.