How long does it take for the world to see how depressed you are?
How long to see the emptiness, the false air?
How long can someone pretend without losing themselves in the process?
How long does it take for someone to go numb?

Just keep swimming, Dory said to me
As I gasped for air under the sea
I'm now at the surface, looking around
Water everywhere, land's not to be found
I move, I cry, I surge back with a wave
When will this ocean finally behave?

For how much longer
do I have to wash my hands?  
                      sleep in the burning house?              
                      carry this heavy heart?
                      weep?
                      bleed?
                      ask for bandages?
                      hide my scars?
                      see my therapist?
                      lose touch?
                      force a smile?
                      see my reflection?
                      try to fix the brokenness?
                      adjust to new meds?
                      wish I was dead?
                      wash my hair?
                      trim my nails?
                      write these lines?
                      avoid my birthday?
                      fight the urges?
                      endure myself?
                      cling to this life?

Something is at war inside of me

Someone said to me
Unless you are
Tired
Stressed
or overworked

And I wanted to say
You just described
My average day

And I was afraid to say it

Afraid not to say it

Afraid I would be a downer if I said that

Afraid I would seem holier than thou if I didn't

Afraid that if I didn't say it I would seem like I was left out of
Or too good for
Our culture

And then I wondered

How did we get here

That they way to fit in
In our culture

Is to be tired, stressed and overworked

And how ****** that is

I'm tired but let's do another day to see if things change.

death is insignificant
im still the person you know
but the mere difference is how my soul glow
im still the same old fellow that laughed and cried

death is just a word
you can still call me by my name
after my death, im not a shooting star
nor another life passing by

death is just a scary words
not an existence
death is just the purgatory
between living and resurrection

death is nothing
just a state where you rest
just a time to enjoy and explore
how you live without living at all

i am a planet with no existence
eyes with no will
i am nothing but a god
i am alive but i have no reason to live

Sometimes, I can see them
shimmering on the edges

My vision blurs
not able to be straight on

Foreign thoughts and feelings
struggle and fight against me

Blinking hurts
even making the tiredness worse

Then a light sparkles
then another and another

Suddenly there's dancing spots
eddying around me

I try to connect one to the next
spark flitting across my room

There's too many
I get confused

The lights all begin to gather into one
beam of light as I awake the next morning

I'm hungry, but I can't eat.
I'm tired, but I can't sleep.
I'm sad, but I can't cry.
I'm suicidal, but I can't die.