Hold on! Let me try to explain...these feelings, the mash of feelings brewing and disturbing my soul...
I can see it in my mind, as if I have been backed into a corner with no escape. No escape makes me feel panicked; claustrophobic. When you feel trapped with no way out, you start to fight. So now I am saying whatever it is I think I need to say to talk myself out of this corner. Begging, lying, and then fighting words. I will bring you down so that I may jump over your back and run, run so far. Instincts are beginning to overrun my mind, like a lack of oxygen causes difficulty to think, I'm nearly 100% fight or flight, with one option removed. I don't want to run from you, from us...I don't want to fight, either, but I fear that should I try to remain visually indifferent, that will result and far more chaos then I will cause when I stop biting my tongue from within my corner.

I tell you I need space. It fell from my mouth without me having thought it. That lack of oxygen as a fresh panic attack rolls in stops me from keeping calm and collected. Now voices are raised and arms are flailing in an attempt to visually explain how distressed we each are, we look like crazy italians. The battle is short before you decide to let me have my space, if that is so what I wish. And so you are gone. However, my feelings remain the exact same. There is no calm, no peace, or anything short of a need to run, or fight. I still feel backed into a corner.

I sat for quite some time reflecting on that, only to realize that I myself have backed me into a corner and made myself feel all these things, and tried to blame the one person who could save me from myself.

The reality hath hit me
That today couldst be mine last day
Or tommorrow,
At least I canst sayeth
I showed love whilst I was here.
As im feeling the sickness and the pain hit me again,
I don't knoweth
What's to cometh next.....

I wanna be asleep
But i don't wanna go to bed.

I wanna do something intesresting
But i just wanna stay home

I wanna socialize
But i don't wanna be social

I wanna listen to music
But i just want silence

I'm hungry
But not in the mood for food

I wanna get over this..
But most of all i don't want to do this anymore.

So much work everyday,
Yet I can't back away.
So much stress,
Can't the work be any less.
Ain't making much progress
Won't reach success
Because procrastination is what I possess.
The work may depress,
Due to the amount being excess.
Is the person obsessed?
The work, I'm impressed.
Having up 'till recess.
I gotta confess,
That's right you can guess.
What you're thinking, yes.
I'm in such a distress,
Everything's in a mess.
If only the work were lesser,
Everything will be better.

I feel like there are crumbling cinder blocks where my beating heart should be, and Im trying to explain to you how it feels but it's so chaotic and now it doesn't feel like cinder blocks it feels like someone used my torso as punching bag from the inside out cause I can't breath.

it's so hard to  just breathe sometimes.

You wake up and complain about school cause your bed is warm and you're too tired, my bed is warm too and I'm tired too but I never sleep. My mind likes to run marathons when I think about you and how many times you probably kissed her that day. And I like school, I get out of this house that is referred to as "home". If this is your love, I don't want it.

It feels like my world will stop spinning if that person isn't involved in it. your voice silenced the anxiety and the pain and the anger and the insecurities and the voices. Those fuckinggggg voices. And your eyes were chocolate brown but u were only sweet when you wanted something.

It feels like fighting the urge to punch every mirror before you can see your reflection, and every wall cause he didn't reply to your text yet. Bruises would be so special and beautiful if they were inspired by you.

It's so conflicting because my anxiety makes me feel like everyone is paying attention to me but depression taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that those girls at the end of the hall are probably not laughing about me cause I'm nothing to no one. But this anxietyyyy, any interaction feels like my world is shaking and I forget how to breath and my hands won't stop dripping.

It feels like somebody is playing darts with my heart and twisting shards of glass even deeper. It's frustrating to try and convey how i feel cause to you it must seem crazy that the darkness can be ground shakingly loud and my body can feel like a million heavy pieces about to shatter if I move. I can't explain and you won't understand any way because even I don't have an explanation as to why my brain feels like an ocean during a ******* storm.

It's eating me alive cause everything is splashing around in my mind and i can't make it stop or even slow down and on the outside I'm trying so hard to keep it together and play it cool when on the inside there's lightning and thunder crashing and probably some  sunshine but I'm too busy worrying about if that branch is going to crack and fall on me or if your paying attention to me or texting her back and I look you in the eye and I can't help but wonder if you can see what I'm feeling.

I'm pressed and stressed, my
Heart
Pounds, echoes across the far-flung corners of the world
Where you stole away my heart, then
Dashed it against the ice of your own,
Beyond hope of recognition. I wish there was a chance
That a small fragment of me still clings to your cuff,
that you might still carry a part of me with you.

i’m so sorry for being such a mess
for not having the right words
or any words at all
but i’m trying
i really am
trying

*(s.m)

everything hurts
i can’t seem to find the reason
just wanna scream my lungs out
i need someone to lean on
someone to depend on
i need a hug
but yet i just wanna be alone
away from everyone
it feels like i’m about to break into a million pieces

*(s.m)

Will I still be stressed when I'm 74?*
Aren't things supposed to get better when you get older?

I've been at this whole depression and anxiety thing for far too long and it's like how many times do I have to keep pulling myself back up when life knocks me down