[CW - sh]
The first time,
Just needed them to notice
That I wasn’t fine
I was feeling hopeless
Didn’t really know what I was doing,
But I did it
Back then, I was fine with breathing
There was nothing wrong, wrong with eating
I didn’t really care for feeling,
But I was fine with the fact
That my heart kept beating
The next time, the thoughts.
Too loud, drown them out
With the pain, with the hurt
A new cut, an alert
That once again, I needed help.
That time, still fine with breathing
However, had some struggles with eating
Wished I could just ignore my feelings
But I still found nothing wrong with
My heart still beat- beating
The third time, the worst time,
Chain reactions to and from
Watch as a big problem becomes
So. Much. Worse.
By then, I was aware of breathing
Had too many problems with eating
I hated all the things I was feeling
And I always had the knowledge
That my heart kept beating
The fourth time
Scar still lingers,
More annoying than stressful
First relapse in five months
Five, six and seven,
Not a big deal, not deep
Faded away through sleep
But I was struggling.
There’s worse to come.
Then eight, nine, ten.
Worst times of my life
Friendships falling apart.
Thoughts ripping me apart
I was dying inside.
I almost died.
And at that point?
Oh, I wished my lungs would stop breathing
And wow, I was barely eating
Wished I could stop feeling
And almost stopped my heart from beating.
I’m doing better now, it’s true
Still fall sometimes, but still
I get back up, I keep going
Never alone anymore, maybe I never was
For for the first time, in a long time,
I’m glad my heart is beating.
This poem never really ends, but this is where I was a few months ago
